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Post by DryCreek on May 15, 2018 16:22:32 GMT -5
Incidentally, elynne, the party idea sounds awesome. I chuckle just imagining it. But harshly, it would be worth rescheduling the party if that's what it takes to put yourself first here. It's that important. (Or, rope in a close friend to take over logistics while you tend to the legal necessities.)
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2018 16:52:37 GMT -5
Knowing you would be busy with the birthday party is the kind of shit that these people pull. Control is the air they breathe, this does not exhaust them, it's who they are. Fight back and be prepared to fight hard and long.
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2018 17:08:12 GMT -5
Do not be afraid of asking friends for help with things like the party. Friends were a big help to me during my divorce.karma. You are a nice, compassionate person. There are probably people in your life who’d happily help you. You don’t have to reveal your divorce to request their help.
Also keep in mind your kids can help, too. You do not have to do everything.
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Post by flounder on May 16, 2018 5:26:45 GMT -5
He could be moving assets out of his name for a relative or friend to hold until after the divorce. -h
This happens a lot. I have been sending my sister 50 bucks a month for the last two years. Just in case.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 16, 2018 6:10:01 GMT -5
He could be moving assets out of his name for a relative or friend to hold until after the divorce. -h This happens a lot. I have been sending my sister 50 bucks a month for the last two years. Just in case. My ex did the same thing, $1000.00 a month for two years. (along with other 100's of thousands of dollars) Here's the bad part. (In the USA) I could prove when it happened, and who did it, all through on line bank statements, however the burden of now proving where it is, or what it was spent on, was on me. My ex was questioned about the why and where,during her deposition. Her continuous response? " I don't know, I have no idea". Sadly she was legally able to get away with it. There was a positive side, it showed that my "zero trust" was confirmed, and that my ex could easily afford to pay me thousands a month in alimony until she retires.
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Post by h on May 16, 2018 6:27:38 GMT -5
He could be moving assets out of his name for a relative or friend to hold until after the divorce. -h This happens a lot. I have been sending my sister 50 bucks a month for the last two years. Just in case. My ex did the same thing, $1000.00 a month for two years. (along with other 100's of thousands of dollars) Here's the bad part. (In the USA) I could prove when it happened, and who did it, all through on line bank statements, however the burden of now proving where it is, or what it was spent on, was on me. My ex was questioned about the why and where,during her deposition. Her continuous response? " I don't know, I have no idea". Sadly she was legally able to get away with it. There was a positive side, it showed that my "zero trust" was confirmed, and that my ex could easily afford to pay me thousands a month in alimony until she retires. My father did similar things in the lead up to my parents' divorce. He sold a bunch of land to his brother for a dollar and also kept a big stash of cash in a lock box that he gave to his brother to hold until the settlement was over. My mother will get a chunk of his retirement from his first job but he's worked enough other jobs where he can do without it. He's just spiteful enough to not collect his retirement from that company just to keep her from getting it because there's no death benefit from it. These are all possible things to think about when planning to divorce a controller.
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Post by nyartgal on May 16, 2018 10:14:13 GMT -5
elynne you will look back one day and realize this divorce is the best thing that ever happened to you! You will be better than fine. Big hugs!
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Post by shamwow on May 16, 2018 16:47:13 GMT -5
hopingforachange is right. He could have been planning this for months. He could have been setting the whole process up so he could blindside you. Or years. Ask ballofconfusion about that
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 6:08:35 GMT -5
hopingforachange is right. He could have been planning this for months. He could have been setting the whole process up so he could blindside you. Or years. Ask ballofconfusion about that I will. Seeing him cry Monday at therapy really shook me. I’ve rarely seen him sad before, and never saw him cry. He broke down thinking about telling the kids. Shoulders shaking, hands over his face. It called up all my soft and protective feelings for him. I’m really at a loss. So I went through all my notes about our arguments. I made a list of the things I think he’d like me to change. I asked him if he’d review the list with me to make sure it was complete. We sat down last night and had a short but productive conversation. Surprisingly, he didn’t have anything to add. And a few of my points he said weren’t so important to him. He did say, “this seems a little forced. Maybe it is.” I replied, “you know organization isn’t one of my strong suits, but when I was a portfolio manager, I had a system that worked. Create a complete list of all action points. Create a plan for dealing with them. Do a weekly review to assess progress. If necessary, change the action plan to address issues that need attention. I’m applying the same methodology now. I won’t bring this up again, but you can see over the coming month if there is improvement. Then we talked about a few dates coming up where we needed to sort out logistics for the kids, a trip he has coming up, etc. Then he went to bed. I walked the dog and then went to bed too. He had a busy call. Lots of phone calls through the night. If I woke from one of his calls, I would reach over and stroke his back or lay my hand on his chest. Normally we sleep with our backs toward each other, but he faced me more throughout the night. But this morning he told me he needed more space in bed, that I was crowding him. It brings back the beginning of our slipping away from each other. He wanted more space in bed, no touching. I was either too hot or too cold or too close. But early on we slept entangled in each other’s arms. I usually started off with my head on his chest with his arms around me. I also wonder if he’s found someone new. He’s been running more, biking more, doing push-ups and sit-ups every morning. He has a new cologne. Has been buying new clothes. Since our talk last night, the close moments where things seem peaceful, or silly things that refer to our early happy days together, get initially a positive response, then a few moments later I hear him softly utter a deep sigh. If things really are over, I’ll know I left everything on the field. Gave saving our marriage and our family my all. And I’ll be terrified to be on my own. I wouldn’t be so scared if I were back in the US. I’ve got enough education, contacts, resources in the US to totally land on my feet. In Holland, I’ve never been on my own. My US degrees don’t get me as far here, and we’re too far from an international city for me to realistically commute and go back into international banking IT. I don’t know if trying to save the marriage is based on fear for my future or if it’s realistic. I don’t need a lot to be happy. And the Netherlands is good about not letting people slip through the cracks. There is a decent safety net for people who are struggling. But I don’t know the system, how to navigate it, and I’m not even eligible for assistance (like rent subsidies or help finding a place to live) until I get my citizenship. Thank god I had the foresight to start that process last August. I’ll call today and see if I can find who to call to get a status on my citizenship. Anyway, I think the ideal situation would be to find each other again and build the sort of relationship that we both thought we were entering into as naive and hopeful newlyweds, but that we’ve never actually had. And if that’s not possible, to find my feet, my balance, my strength and build a life that fulfills me without h by my side. Underneath I don’t believe I can, but I also know that can’t be true. I am smarter than the average monkey. I’m nice, I’m kind, I’m resilient, I’m dogged when I’m focused on something. I’m a great problem solver. I look at these facts, and I know that if other people survive and even thrive after divorce, I can too.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2018 6:24:18 GMT -5
“So I went through all my notes about our arguments. I made a list of the things I think he’d like me to change. “
Please, please make an emergency appointment to see your therapist.
Your husband is ABUSIVE to you. He has been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. He also is extremely manipulative and so controlling that you cant access your household’s financial accounts.
There is every indication that he has long been planning to divorce you and the marital counseling is a sham.
TALK to your lawyer. Now.
This is not the time for you to be what your h wants in a wife. What he wants is a submissive, passive woman who agrees with him and without complaint does everything to make his life easier while he does nothing for her.
Wake up! While you are making your useless list of what’s wrong with you he is continuing his plan to divorce you and leave you with as little as possible.
Please talk to your therapist and lawyer today. By inaction on these things you are making things worse on yourself. Your marriage is over. Your decisions now will determine how difficult it will be for you to financially and emotionally survive. Taking the offensive will help you obtain the confidence, wisdom and strength —and finances- to easily live a happy, comfortable life after divorce.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 17, 2018 6:30:09 GMT -5
Oh elynne... I say this with a lot of love and empathy: You are hoping for an unrealistic fantasy. And you may very well be fucking yourself over in the process. He holds all the cards and by you continuing to try to “work on it” instead of taking action you are not only delaying the inevitable but also causing yourself more pain (and confusion) as you likely set yourself back even further. Your ideal situation of “finding each other again” and building a relationship that you’ve never actually had but that you WANTED to have is unrealistic. For that to happen you would BOTH need to change (not only be willing to change, but also capable of it, and to change in the ways that the other person wants and needs) regardless of who you both are and how you’ve lived your lives up until now. You need for him to become a different person in order to be able to communicate together the way you need for a healthy marriage and for you to get the love and respect you need and deserve in your marriage. Based on your years together up until this point, do you honestly think he will be capable, or even motivated, to do this? You have shown us in SO many ways that you are willing to mold yourself to him and what he wants and how he treats you. You have shown us ZERO instances of him trying to do the same for you. A final thing to keep in mind is that your ideal situation is based on what YOU have always wanted and envisioned. It’s quite possible he never wanted the same, and never will. ((Hugs)) dear. I really hope you will reread this thread and take everyone’s advice to heart. It’s not a coincidence that every single person here is saying the same things to you. Please listen.
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 6:46:36 GMT -5
Oh elynne... I say this with a lot of love and empathy: You are hoping for an unrealistic fantasy. And you may very well be fucking yourself over in the process. He holds all the cards and by you continuing to try to “work on it” instead of taking action you are not only delaying the inevitable but also causing yourself more pain (and confusion) as you likely set yourself back even further. Your ideal situation of “finding each other again” and building a relationship that you’ve never actually had but that you WANTED to have is unrealistic. For that to happen you would BOTH need to change (not only be willing to change, but also capable of it, and to change in the ways that the other person wants and needs) regardless of who you both are and how you’ve lived your lives up until now. You need for him to become a different person in order to be able to communicate together the way you need for a healthy marriage and for you to get the love and respect you need and deserve in your marriage. Based on your years together up until this point, do you honestly think he will be capable, or even motivated, to do this? You have shown us in SO many ways that you are willing to mold yourself to him and what he wants and how he treats you. You have shown us ZERO instances of him trying to do the same for you. A final thing to keep in mind is that your ideal situation is based on what YOU have always wanted and envisioned. It’s quite possible he never wanted the same, and never will. ((Hugs)) dear. I really hope you will reread this thread and take everyone’s advice to heart. It’s not a coincidence that every single person here is saying the same things to you. Please listen. I hear the advice. And I know you and northstarmom are responding with sincerity and with my best interests at heart. But one last effort seems like the best course of action in this moment. It may prove foolish, but I’m fairly well protected by Dutch divorce law. I do have a very good lawyer if it comes to it. I have family with financial resources to help me get back on my feet. It may well be overly optimistic, but that’s a big part of who I am. Even if the glass is empty, I still have a glass! I’ll be ok if we end up divorcing, but I need to see if it’s possible to find what I want and need with h. It may also be a bit of needing to prove that he can love me. I just don’t know. And another thing weighing on my mind is my period is over two weeks late. It may be stress, it may be that we had sex a few times a few weeks ago. If I am pregnant, there is no question that I’ll terminate it. But hormones may be playing a role in feeling like I need to try one last time to make our marriage work. Off to call the city hall to see how I can get a status update on my citizenship. That’s becoming a critical issue.
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2018 6:51:42 GMT -5
Did you make a list of the way he needs to change?
He could be cheating the signs are there or he's getting himself in game shape to re enter the dating world.
You are smart but right now you are letting emotions decide your life instead of logic.
I actually wouldn't file yet. I'd buy myself time, play nice, act like roommates and accept that the marriage is over because it is whether you realize it or not, get my citizenship, save money, talk to your attorney and make a plan.
Let him think you are fine with status quo and then when he least expects it have him served, this could even be a year from now. How old are your children? (I forgot sorry).
I think right now you have a lot of fear driving your decisions and that's not smart. When I filed for divorce I had no clue where I would live, but I knew I could always get an apartment for the kids and I. I wound up renting a large townhouse from a man privately and things fell into place but I was prepared.
Success is where opportunity meets preparation.
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2018 6:53:48 GMT -5
Oh elynne... I say this with a lot of love and empathy: You are hoping for an unrealistic fantasy. And you may very well be fucking yourself over in the process. He holds all the cards and by you continuing to try to “work on it” instead of taking action you are not only delaying the inevitable but also causing yourself more pain (and confusion) as you likely set yourself back even further. Your ideal situation of “finding each other again” and building a relationship that you’ve never actually had but that you WANTED to have is unrealistic. For that to happen you would BOTH need to change (not only be willing to change, but also capable of it, and to change in the ways that the other person wants and needs) regardless of who you both are and how you’ve lived your lives up until now. You need for him to become a different person in order to be able to communicate together the way you need for a healthy marriage and for you to get the love and respect you need and deserve in your marriage. Based on your years together up until this point, do you honestly think he will be capable, or even motivated, to do this? You have shown us in SO many ways that you are willing to mold yourself to him and what he wants and how he treats you. You have shown us ZERO instances of him trying to do the same for you. A final thing to keep in mind is that your ideal situation is based on what YOU have always wanted and envisioned. It’s quite possible he never wanted the same, and never will. ((Hugs)) dear. I really hope you will reread this thread and take everyone’s advice to heart. It’s not a coincidence that every single person here is saying the same things to you. Please listen. I hear the advice. And I know you and northstarmom are responding with sincerity and with my best interests at heart. But one last effort seems like the best course of action in this moment. It may prove foolish, but I’m fairly well protected by Dutch divorce law. I do have a very good lawyer if it comes to it. I have family with financial resources to help me get back on my feet. It may well be overly optimistic, but that’s a big part of who I am. Even if the glass is empty, I still have a glass! I’ll be ok if we end up divorcing, but I need to see if it’s possible to find what I want and need with h. It may also be a bit of needing to prove that he can love me. I just don’t know. And another thing weighing on my mind is my period is over two weeks late. It may be stress, it may be that we had sex a few times a few weeks ago. If I am pregnant, there is no question that I’ll terminate it. But hormones may be playing a role in feeling like I need to try one last time to make our marriage work. Off to call the city hall to see how I can get a status update on my citizenship. That’s becoming a critical issue. Nothing wrong with trying one more time if that's what you want but set a timetable and save money.
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 6:56:08 GMT -5
Did you make a list of the way he needs to change? He could be cheating the signs are there or he's getting himself in game shape to re enter the dating world. You are smart but right now you are letting emotions decide your life instead of logic. I actually wouldn't file yet. I'd buy myself time, play nice, act like roommates and accept that the marriage is over because it is whether you realize it or not, get my citizenship, save money, talk to your attorney and make a plan. Let him think you are fine with status quo and then when he least expects it have him served, this could even be a year from now. How old are your children? (I forgot sorry). I think right now you have a lot of fear driving your decisions and that's not smart. When I filed for divorce I had no clue where I would live, but I knew I could always get an apartment for the kids and I. I wound up renting a large townhouse from a man privately and things fell into place but I was prepared. Success is where opportunity meets preparation. Kids are 9 and 11.
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