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Post by mescaline on May 26, 2018 14:37:26 GMT -5
I relish solitude, so being alone is fine, u don't feel the need to wear a mask or pretend to be something I'm not.
I'm most lonely when I'm with my wife without the kids, that's when it really hits home how little we have together outside of being part of the family unit.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 26, 2018 20:37:29 GMT -5
I'm most lonely when I'm with my wife without the kids, that's when it really hits home how little we have together outside of being part of the family unit. I completely agree. I avoid being alone with my H without our son there. We have no relationship and nothing to say to each other beyond logistical day-to-day stuff. It used to make me feel lonely when I felt stuck and like I didn’t have a choice or any power. Now that I am planning my exit I just use those feelings to affirm that leaving is the right choice. I know now that I would rather be lonely outside of the marriage than in.
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Post by baza on May 26, 2018 20:52:14 GMT -5
Yeah. Being lonely as a single and available person is a waaaay better problem to have than being lonely and unavailable within the constraints of an ILIASM shithole.
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Post by JMX on May 26, 2018 21:22:31 GMT -5
Interestingly, I am so worn out by people by the end of the day that I would imagine loneliness would be a gift. And I don’t even wear a “mask”. I do oblige, but for the most part - at work - I am pretty much myself while meeting people.
I have friends I could call on to go out or stay in, my children are really talkative - especially one...
Honestly, I am a little worn out by all my people. I am blessed, but I am tired.
But, I am still lonely in the way we all discuss here. It’s not just the sex, it’s being that close to someone - saying anything. Cuddling. Being wanted.
I am not sure that will ever happen for me. Sometimes I think it’s something I have to “learn” in this life - like it’s my burden. It depresses me and it makes me feel lonely, even though clearly, I am not lonely.
It feels like it would be cutting off an appendage. I don’t really sexually want him anymore - but in many respects, he is my family. It is *mostly* comfortable. It’s hard to gauge where my “uncomfortable” trumps my “comfortable”. Crazily enough, I am not there yet. It baffles me too.
I realize this sounds co-dependent. I will argue with you about that 😊 I like argument!! All marriages - even healthy ones - are there precisely BECAUSE of co-dependency.
Lonely is hard within the marriage. I suspect lonely is hard as well - if not more - outside the marriage.
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Post by shamwow on May 26, 2018 22:57:46 GMT -5
Interestingly, I am so worn out by people by the end of the day that I would imagine loneliness would be a gift. And I don’t even wear a “mask”. I do oblige, but for the most part - at work - I am pretty much myself while meeting people. I have friends I could call on to go out or stay in, my children are really talkative - especially one... Honestly, I am a little worn out by all my people. I am blessed, but I am tired. But, I am still lonely in the way we all discuss here. It’s not just the sex, it’s being that close to someone - saying anything. Cuddling. Being wanted. I am not sure that will ever happen for me. Sometimes I think it’s something I have to “learn” in this life - like it’s my burden. It depresses me and it makes me feel lonely, even though clearly, I am not lonely. It feels like it would be cutting off an appendage. I don’t really sexually want him anymore - but in many respects, he is my family. It is *mostly* comfortable. It’s hard to gauge where my “uncomfortable” trumps my “comfortable”. Crazily enough, I am not there yet. It baffles me too. I realize this sounds co-dependent. I will argue with you about that 😊 I like argument!! All marriages - even healthy ones - are there precisely BECAUSE of co-dependency. Lonely is hard within the marriage. I suspect lonely is hard as well - if not more - outside the marriage. Codependency is a bad thing only if it results in bad things. Two people using each other for their own needs / gratification is codependent. Two people leaning on each other to face life together and help pick each other up when they fall? Also codependent. We are all codedependent in some way. The manner of this dependency points to whether the codependency is healthy or harmful.
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Post by JMX on May 26, 2018 23:01:09 GMT -5
Interestingly, I am so worn out by people by the end of the day that I would imagine loneliness would be a gift. And I don’t even wear a “mask”. I do oblige, but for the most part - at work - I am pretty much myself while meeting people. I have friends I could call on to go out or stay in, my children are really talkative - especially one... Honestly, I am a little worn out by all my people. I am blessed, but I am tired. But, I am still lonely in the way we all discuss here. It’s not just the sex, it’s being that close to someone - saying anything. Cuddling. Being wanted. I am not sure that will ever happen for me. Sometimes I think it’s something I have to “learn” in this life - like it’s my burden. It depresses me and it makes me feel lonely, even though clearly, I am not lonely. It feels like it would be cutting off an appendage. I don’t really sexually want him anymore - but in many respects, he is my family. It is *mostly* comfortable. It’s hard to gauge where my “uncomfortable” trumps my “comfortable”. Crazily enough, I am not there yet. It baffles me too. I realize this sounds co-dependent. I will argue with you about that 😊 I like argument!! All marriages - even healthy ones - are there precisely BECAUSE of co-dependency. Lonely is hard within the marriage. I suspect lonely is hard as well - if not more - outside the marriage. Codependency is a bad thing only if it results in bad things. Two people using each other for their own needs / gratification is codependent. Two people leaning on each other to face life together and help pick each other up when they fall? Also codependent. We are all codedependent in some way. The manner of this dependency points to whether the codependency is healthy or harmful. I agree Now, what is the litmus test? How far does it go before you can confidently say - “enough”? This is hard for some of us.
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Post by tiredoftears on May 27, 2018 3:26:44 GMT -5
I would never recommend a pet. From what I have seen, people SEEM TO THINK they help, but I fail to see how they do. It's like putting a band-aid on a staph infection or a brown recluse bite. Something dark and ugly keeps festering underneath the surface. Friends I have known that have gotten pets to keep them company, generally start with one, then get another, and another, but then they still always complain of feeling lonely, no matter how attached they think they are to the animals.
A REAL HUMAN CONNECTION is what is being sought, so find it. Volunteer somewhere, join a book club, take up gardening at a public garden and chat with other there, hell - do what I did and join FetLife and go to local munches! Did wonders for my loneliness and lack of a social life.
Maybe I'm anti-pet, maybe I am a realist, but if you are lonely, an animal isn't going to give you what you need. You need human people.
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Post by shamwow on May 27, 2018 9:11:54 GMT -5
Codependency is a bad thing only if it results in bad things. Two people using each other for their own needs / gratification is codependent. Two people leaning on each other to face life together and help pick each other up when they fall? Also codependent. We are all codedependent in some way. The manner of this dependency points to whether the codependency is healthy or harmful. I agree Now, what is the litmus test? How far does it go before you can confidently say - “enough”? This is hard for some of us. God ain't that the truth? Took me decades until that grey line turned to black. Wish it would have happened sooner.
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Post by Caris on May 27, 2018 22:41:21 GMT -5
Tomorrow is Memorial Day. I will either stay home, and do things around the house, read a book, etc; and/or take myself to a place that’s not busy with holiday makers, like a beautiful nature reserve. I will seek solitude on holidays, even though I live a solitary life. I feel more loneliness if I go out alone while others are with family, friends, and lovers, than I do if I stay alone at home.
There are times when I just love my solitude. It feels like a luxury. I don’t have to deal with anyone else but myself. The money I save on Christmas presents is a big plus. Of course, it’s what I’ve become used to. When I was younger, it would have killed me to live like this. Loneliness was soul destroying back then, but I guess I’ve adapted to a great degree with age and life experience.
What I find to be most helpful is to engage my mind in something that, well, engages my mind. Mindfulness is also good for this. Even washing dishes can be done Mindfully. Each person has to find what works for them, but it comes down to being mindfully engaged.
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Post by Caris on May 27, 2018 22:50:04 GMT -5
I would never recommend a pet. From what I have seen, people SEEM TO THINK they help, but I fail to see how they do. It's like putting a band-aid on a staph infection or a brown recluse bite. Something dark and ugly keeps festering underneath the surface. Friends I have known that have gotten pets to keep them company, generally start with one, then get another, and another, but then they still always complain of feeling lonely, no matter how attached they think they are to the animals. A REAL HUMAN CONNECTION is what is being sought, so find it. Volunteer somewhere, join a book club, take up gardening at a public garden and chat with other there, hell - do what I did and join FetLife and go to local munches! Did wonders for my loneliness and lack of a social life. Maybe I'm anti-pet, maybe I am a realist, but if you are lonely, an animal isn't going to give you what you need. You need human people. My pets were a lifesaver to me, and are to many people. I don’t have them now, and I do miss them. I would say you are not a pet person. That’s okay, but it’s well documented that people with pets (at least those who love and want them) fare better with loneliness and live longer than those who don’t. You can make a connection with anything if you have enough love for the thing. Some find love in their plants and garden. Some with pets. We are all connected, and we all need connection, and not everyone has family or a relationship to have that connection.
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Loneliness
May 27, 2018 23:06:53 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on May 27, 2018 23:06:53 GMT -5
I would never recommend a pet. From what I have seen, people SEEM TO THINK they help, but I fail to see how they do. It's like putting a band-aid on a staph infection or a brown recluse bite. Something dark and ugly keeps festering underneath the surface. Friends I have known that have gotten pets to keep them company, generally start with one, then get another, and another, but then they still always complain of feeling lonely, no matter how attached they think they are to the animals. A REAL HUMAN CONNECTION is what is being sought, so find it. Volunteer somewhere, join a book club, take up gardening at a public garden and chat with other there, hell - do what I did and join FetLife and go to local munches! Did wonders for my loneliness and lack of a social life. Maybe I'm anti-pet, maybe I am a realist, but if you are lonely, an animal isn't going to give you what you need. You need human people. My pets were a lifesaver to me, and are to many people. I don’t have them now, and I do miss them. I would say you are not a pet person. That’s okay, but it’s well documented that people with pets (at least those who love and want them) fare better with loneliness and live longer than those who don’t. You can make a connection with anything if you have enough love for the thing. Some find love in their plants and garden. Some with pets. We are all connected, and we all need connection, and not everyone has family or a relationship to have that connection. My point was, again, to not rely on pets to fill a need for human connection. To get out there and make a human friend. You are right about me not liking pets, but those studies are flawed. Look into the actual logistics of the studies, and you will see the reality of the situation. Pets are a placebo. That's it. That's why they don't work but for the few people whose minds are easily influenced. Again, just MY opinion.
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Post by Caris on May 30, 2018 12:46:09 GMT -5
My pets were a lifesaver to me, and are to many people. I don’t have them now, and I do miss them. I would say you are not a pet person. That’s okay, but it’s well documented that people with pets (at least those who love and want them) fare better with loneliness and live longer than those who don’t. You can make a connection with anything if you have enough love for the thing. Some find love in their plants and garden. Some with pets. We are all connected, and we all need connection, and not everyone has family or a relationship to have that connection. My point was, again, to not rely on pets to fill a need for human connection. To get out there and make a human friend. You are right about me not liking pets, but those studies are flawed. Look into the actual logistics of the studies, and you will see the reality of the situation. Pets are a placebo. That's it. That's why they don't work but for the few people whose minds are easily influenced. Again, just MY opinion. To say they don’t work is definitely your opinion. My pets were certainly not a placebo. I loved them dearly, and I would have loved them even if I’d had a good and loving partner. They brought us, and I’d venture to say, millions of people, great comfort and joy. I think it’s just your opinion based on not feeling love for animals. You cannot know the hearts of others. To say, they only work for a few whose minds are easily influenced is really ignorant as well as insulting to animal lovers.
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Post by h on May 30, 2018 13:39:15 GMT -5
My point was, again, to not rely on pets to fill a need for human connection. To get out there and make a human friend. You are right about me not liking pets, but those studies are flawed. Look into the actual logistics of the studies, and you will see the reality of the situation. Pets are a placebo. That's it. That's why they don't work but for the few people whose minds are easily influenced. Again, just MY opinion. To say they don’t work is definitely your opinion. My pets were certainly not a placebo. I loved them dearly, and I would have loved them even if I’d had a good and loving partner. They brought us, and I’d venture to say, millions of people, great comfort and joy. I think it’s just your opinion based on not feeling love for animals. You cannot know the hearts of others. To say, they only work for a few whose minds are easily influenced is really ignorant as well as insulting to animal lovers. I have to agree with this. While I could never have a pet fulfill my craving for human contact, I do know others who love their pets more than people. My coworker has pictures of her pets on her desk but not her kids. Her oldest daughter stops in to visit her from time to time and jokes that her mother loves her dogs more than her. Just because I don't think the same way, doesn't mean others can't.
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Loneliness
May 30, 2018 15:34:12 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on May 30, 2018 15:34:12 GMT -5
My point was, again, to not rely on pets to fill a need for human connection. To get out there and make a human friend. You are right about me not liking pets, but those studies are flawed. Look into the actual logistics of the studies, and you will see the reality of the situation. Pets are a placebo. That's it. That's why they don't work but for the few people whose minds are easily influenced. Again, just MY opinion. To say they don’t work is definitely your opinion. My pets were certainly not a placebo. I loved them dearly, and I would have loved them even if I’d had a good and loving partner. They brought us, and I’d venture to say, millions of people, great comfort and joy. I think it’s just your opinion based on not feeling love for animals. You cannot know the hearts of others. To say, they only work for a few whose minds are easily influenced is really ignorant as well as insulting to animal lovers. Again, I think you are misconstruing what I say and choosing to be offended. I am saying they can not, should not, and do not not take the place of people.
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Post by cecilia on May 31, 2018 18:04:32 GMT -5
I have been working more and started some hobbies that keep me busy until very late at night so I don’t have to go to bed when DH does and lie awake frustrated or crying from lack of regular sex and pretty much zero intimacy.
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