"We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidante, my emotional companion, and my intellectual equal."
--This is something I feel bballgirl has the one-up on: Not requiring her H to be the only person to fulfill her needs. Very few of us seem to be ok accepting having multiple people fill those roles.
"...we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires because this is the culture where 'I deserve to be happy'. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce [used to] carry all the shame, today choosing to stay when you could leave is the new shame."
"Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage."
I really like Perel and her Ted Talks to think outside of the box.
Here's the thing - when I got my divorce I wasn't of the philosophy to have more than one person to meet my needs. I came to this realization after the divorce, after dating awhile, and most importantly realizing what I wanted for myself.
What I realized about myself and it may be just the way I'm wired is:
1) Relationships are a lot of work and it turns out I didn't want to try with a new relationship
2) I didn't want sex with anyone except fwb.
3) Sex it turns out is just sex for me, it makes me feel wanted and desired but not loved and cared for but that's me.
4) Words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service are my main love languages not physical touch and gifts
5) At the end of the day my family is back together and this is the choice I want for myself
This is just scratching the surface and everyone is different- there is no cookie cutter solution for everyone but again I would not be where I am now if I didn't divorce Mr. Bballgirl
I've been listening to the podcast series with Esther Perel - Where Should We Begin - which is basically one marriage counselling session with a series of different couples. It's kind of amazing. I started listening to it because I thought it would basically be Maury/Jeremy Kyle for people of my socio-economic bracket and but it's much more thoughtful than that. My partner and I have been listening to it together and talking about our own relationship. Which is great because I've been thinking about going to counselling with him - but it's hard to ask when I don't think anything wrong. I do not have a single complaint in our relationship other than he puts general kitchen utensils, whisks, kitchen knives, garlic presses, etc into a drawer which before he came along was reserved only for table ware.
Actually that's not true - I do have a complaint - and that's how we handle our ex-partners. What makes our relationship great and how we handle each other does not work at all in our relationships with our former spouses. We suck at dealing with high conflict people and it has spill-over into our lives.
Anyway - we will carry on listening and it's providing me with a lot of insights into my own behaviour and the historical baggage I take into this one.
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5