littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on May 2, 2018 0:55:44 GMT -5
I havn't tried talking to any lawyers, but I'm glad to hear someone is doing something.... I've had the papers downloaded for a couple years...as the feeling to actually do something about the situation comes and goes but havn't actually printed or anything,..
think it's bullshit when my H tells me he misses me, or other small few far in between sweet things too...It's hard to believe after things... though it still makes me smile a bit...I'll occasionally get an I'll miss you before he goes to work. as I'm still kind of wanting him to somehow fall back to being and acting like he's in love with me again... I tell him I'll miss him and that I missed him every time...daily but lately I guess I'm examining that ...I guess I'm trying to make myself question what I'm missing and to pull back... because I don't miss being rejected and I don't miss emotional abuse or being treated like a waitress/personal chef/house maid when he doesn't want to touch me...
We're still in the same bed, and I still try to hold him, which sometimes he is ok with and sometimes he is not as weird as that sounds....
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Post by northstarmom on May 2, 2018 5:47:26 GMT -5
lillamb,
Do you work? Have hobbies, friends, interests outside of your spouse? Are you close to any of your family? I’m asking to get a picture of what your life is like.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 2, 2018 7:20:18 GMT -5
Just to add to your stuff Sister choosinghappy , it appears from his texting unsolicited sweet nothings 14 hours ago, you may have an attempt at re-set sex to contend with soon. As unlikely as it might seem, it could be worth a few minutes thought as to how you might handle that. baza A year ago I might have thought you were right but now I could be knocked over with a feather if he tried to initiate anything. I cannot tell you what an obvious, visible weight has come off his shoulders ever since he told me last July that he was uncomfortable with touch (both sexual and nonsexual) and I said I would completely stop initiating. If he did though, I would simply tell him that I don’t think of him in a sexual way anymore and don’t want to do that with him. That would be a bit rough I’m sure but also necessary for me. The last time we spoke about any of this (a few months ago) I told him that even if he can get to a point through his therapy where he would want to be intimate again that *I* would need some serious counseling with him to try to get myself back to that place/mindframe. That took him aback. Apparently he just assumed that the only issues that had to be addressed are his, and that my desire for him would never change. Nope.
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Post by bballgirl on May 2, 2018 8:30:23 GMT -5
Just to add to your stuff Sister choosinghappy , it appears from his texting unsolicited sweet nothings 14 hours ago, you may have an attempt at re-set sex to contend with soon. As unlikely as it might seem, it could be worth a few minutes thought as to how you might handle that. baza A year ago I might have thought you were right but now I could be knocked over with a feather if he tried to initiate anything. I cannot tell you what an obvious, visible weight has come off his shoulders ever since he told me last July that he was uncomfortable with touch (both sexual and nonsexual) and I said I would completely stop initiating. If he did though, I would simply tell him that I don’t think of him in a sexual way anymore and don’t want to do that with him. That would be a bit rough I’m sure but also necessary for me. The last time we spoke about any of this (a few months ago) I told him that even if he can get to a point through his therapy where he would want to be intimate again that *I* would need some serious counseling with him to try to get myself back to that place/mindframe. That took him aback. Apparently he just assumed that the only issues that had to be addressed are his, and that my desire for him would never change. Nope. Isn't it sad that they do not realize the damage, emotional abuse, and that there are consequences for their actions or lack of actions. In their own mind some take it for granted that our affection will always be there but like I've always said romantic love is not unconditional it perishes.
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Post by shamwow on May 2, 2018 8:43:08 GMT -5
It happened again! Back to the computer for research just now, H texts sweet nothings again out of nowhere. Some sort of twisted telepathy apparently. Perhaps the sweet nothings are an automated text app. 😯
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Post by choosinghappy on May 2, 2018 9:19:07 GMT -5
The last time we spoke about any of this (a few months ago) I told him that even if he can get to a point through his therapy where he would want to be intimate again that *I* would need some serious counseling with him to try to get myself back to that place/mindframe. That took him aback. Apparently he just assumed that the only issues that had to be addressed are his, and that my desire for him would never change. Nope. Isn't it sad that they do not realize the damage, emotional abuse, and that there are consequences for their actions or lack of actions. In their own mind some take it for granted that our affection will always be there but like I've always said romantic love is not unconditional it perishes. Exactly bballgirl. He is focused only on himself and figuring out his issues. While that is very important, there has been zero thought given to how I'm affected by it all. (Or if there has been, he hasn't expressed it to me.) When we were talking at one point he revealed that his therapist said to him that he "must have a very patient wife". He told me that with no emotion or additional commentary so I have no idea what he thinks about that or IF he thinks about it. But the patience has run out. He just doesn't know that yet (but I'm thinking can likely sense it).
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Post by bballgirl on May 2, 2018 9:38:42 GMT -5
Isn't it sad that they do not realize the damage, emotional abuse, and that there are consequences for their actions or lack of actions. In their own mind some take it for granted that our affection will always be there but like I've always said romantic love is not unconditional it perishes. Exactly bballgirl. He is focused only on himself and figuring out his issues. While that is very important, there has been zero thought given to how I'm affected by it all. (Or if there has been, he hasn't expressed it to me.) When we were talking at one point he revealed that his therapist said to him that he "must have a very patient wife". He told me that with no emotion or additional commentary so I have no idea what he thinks about that or IF he thinks about it. But the patience has run out. He just doesn't know that yet (but I'm thinking can likely sense it). And ultimately he probably senses that your patience and attitude are changing to the point that it will effect his life in a negative way so now he's trying to do damage control. Usually too little too late. I remember I told my H that I wanted a divorce on a Tuesday and that week on Friday night at 2 am he tried to reset me. I told him NO for the first time ever. As far as HIS thought process as to how this effects you - they really don't care, they are avoidant - heads in the sand, they have to be forced to acknowledge their poor behavior. If it's something that you need to hear for yourself then whenever the next "Talk" comes up then perhaps ask him, "why should I give you any affection? For years I received nothing from you? How do you think that made me feel that I wanted you but you didn't want me? How do you think that made me feel?" Follow up question:"What do you have to say for yourself?" He may try to reset you that could be the time to ask these questions if you need the answers.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2018 11:06:45 GMT -5
It's okay to be prepared for a reset, but at the same time it could end up as just a mild concern. Your spouse may just as easily shrug their shoulders and say "whatever" then continue on with their side of the divorce and their one sided "me only" attitude.
You need to be prepared for their continued cold responses, with the armor that" that is who they are, I can not change them, their loss, and I will continue to find greater joy in myself and with others, who can give and receive from what I have to offer".
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Post by WindSister on May 2, 2018 12:57:16 GMT -5
Isn't it sad that they do not realize the damage, emotional abuse, and that there are consequences for their actions or lack of actions. In their own mind some take it for granted that our affection will always be there but like I've always said romantic love is not unconditional it perishes. Exactly bballgirl . He is focused only on himself and figuring out his issues. While that is very important, there has been zero thought given to how I'm affected by it all. (Or if there has been, he hasn't expressed it to me.) When we were talking at one point he revealed that his therapist said to him that he "must have a very patient wife". He told me that with no emotion or additional commentary so I have no idea what he thinks about that or IF he thinks about it. But the patience has run out. He just doesn't know that yet (but I'm thinking can likely sense it). Yes, it is all a sad disconnect, Lonelywifey. It's all very hard and I am sorry you are facing this. That's all I got, but wanted to drop in and send support for what it's worth.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 2, 2018 13:51:37 GMT -5
Thank you @windsister
I had my first initial consult earlier this afternoon. I'm glad I did. I feel informed and empowered and like this is doable. It's a lot for sure, but not impossible.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 2, 2018 13:52:41 GMT -5
Consult tomorrow afternoon! If anyone just happens to have a list of questions or things to think about handy or could even just point me in the direction of a specific post about this stuff that would be super helpful! It might finally be time for me to read shamwow 's neverending T-Minus thread ;-) iliasm.org/thread/103/advice-free-first-consultationIn case anyone else is searching in the future, this thread was also helpful to me when preparing for my first initial consultation with a lawyer: iliasm.org/thread/1985/exit-plan-template
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on May 2, 2018 18:06:31 GMT -5
lillamb, Do you work? Have hobbies, friends, interests outside of your spouse? Are you close to any of your family? I’m asking to get a picture of what your life is like. My life? ok...you asked... just go easy... I'm really low today and I don't need a knock down right now. Just don't judge too fast. :/ I have numerous hobbies/interests outside of my spouse. Lately I'm not regularly motivated to take part in hobbies much though I have been knitting/exercising/preparing meals dishes/other house duties...I havn't been wanting to go out with friends as I've just been really sad and can't talk about much. I don't really go out unless I'm grocery shopping...or visiting my mom It is hard for me to feel close to anyone because there is so much I don't or am not allowed to talk about and it leads to me feeling my friends are more like acquaintances. I havn't reached out or tried to be social for quite some time. I really don't feel close to any friends. I'm good with my parents my mom has been helping me some lately but really They are so busy with my siblings and their own lives.. I'm barely a side note. Which is ok.I'm a middle child and mostly had to be quiet and look after myself through my life but my mom has been helping me over the past few months because I havn't worked in a few months. I had gotten very sick... months ago... and wasn't able to perform the way I would've been expected to on the job and I had to temporarily resign. My H and my mom have been helping me here financially but I also have some gov assistance so I'm not so much of a burden. I see her once or twice a week. I don't think it's right for my H to help me financially when he doesn't seem to be attracted to me. Which I've talked to him about but he still wants me to stay with him whether I contribute much or not, he uses my vehicle daily so I guess he feels we're a little even but I still feel like he's helping me.. I stay with him and he just feels its his bills... I keep wanting to take my car and go back to work but I'm actually pregnant and quite far along...kinda something that I havn't been wanting to talk about here that happened on a reset and just makes the whole thing complicated and harder emotionally (though I love my baby)...My parents fought the whole time I was growing up, this caused me great pain as a child...they still fight...and so I don't want my baby to be a reason to stay (as much as it makes me want things to work out) I feel that staying in an unhealthy situation is bad for kids and teaches them the wrong ways to be treated...but I still very much want things to work,...just conflicted emotions. my H doesn't want me to go back to work at the moment, I had supported him for a long time and he likes it being the other way around I think..also he doesn't want my job to conflict with him needing the car.
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Post by h on May 3, 2018 4:12:32 GMT -5
One thing that stood out to me littlelamb is that you don't talk to your friends because there are things you're not allowed to talk about. Why are you "not allowed" to talk? Who is telling you that you can't? You're an adult and can decide to talk about anything you want to with anyone you choose. I get the part about having acquaintances rather than friends. I'm in the same situation there, but I still have the choice to talk if I want to. Is your h that controlling? If so, that's a huge red flag and you should be worried about your safety. Have you at least told your family about this?
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Post by merrygoround on May 3, 2018 5:55:12 GMT -5
h sadly this is all too common. There is a facade to the world that the controlling refuser needs to keep up and even reaching out to discuss any issues with friends or family is (at the least) discouraged. I had this. He wanted complete transparency in everything I did or said so he was updated with everything - but my friendships were belittled and discouraged, he despised me talking with anyone about our marital issues as it was utterly disrespectful to him and the marriage. Couple that with the same person who completely refused to attend counselling, marital guidance or participate in any kind of action to engage in healthy intimacy, then one is left isolated, feeling there is nowhere/noone to turn to and self esteem bottoms out. Understatement.
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Post by northstarmom on May 3, 2018 6:33:30 GMT -5
“It is hard for me to feel close to anyone because there is so much I don't or am not allowed to talk about and it leads to me feeling my friends are more like acquaintances. I havn't reached out or tried to be social for quite some time. I really don't feel close to any friends.”
I agree with others that your husband sounds very controlling. Isolating a partner from others is a step that abusers take before escalating their abuse. You also are allowing your h control of your car and that makes you more isolated and vulnerable .
You have the right to talk to others about your life. Not doing so is keeping potential friends in the acquaintance zone. Not working also is isolating you.
It is good that you are in therapy so as to get support there.
Your heart seems to be telling you this isn’t the man for you. That is probably why you have left him several tones. What inspired you to leave him? Why did you return?
Please talk to your therapist about your marriage and listen to what that person says. Consider, too, the implications for your child of your living with a registered sex offender whom your therapist thinks is attracted to young people. Your husnand’s Sexual preferences may endanger your child or their friends. It may even keep your child from having friends since many parents google to find where sex offenders are in their neighborhood. A concern that childless people may not have becomes important to parents who wish to keep their kids safe.
Also google to read warning signs of abuse. You are your child’s protector. If your relationship is heading toward physical abuse, you are hurting yourself and your child by being willfully blind to danger. As your pregnancy advances and after your baby comes, it will become increasingly difficult to leave.
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