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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 30, 2018 14:41:28 GMT -5
Here's my reality:
I am currently researching divorce lawyers online so I can contact one for an initial consultation.
At the exact same time I receive a text from H (who is traveling for work AGAIN): "Love you [pet name]! Hope you're having a great day. I miss you!!"
Sigh. We are just SO disconnected. I do not miss him, I never miss him anymore, though he is gone more than half the time. And I honestly think it's bullshit that he even misses me. Pretty sure he misses his recliner and having dinner on the table every night and the kid taken care of. We don't even talk. We don't touch. We sleep in separate bedrooms. What's there to miss?
I can't tell if he's not going to see this coming (i.e. me filing), or if he just thinks we're going to continue this whole facade indefinitely.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2018 15:29:51 GMT -5
I blind sided my ex. It's tough but I was in put the oxygen mask on myself mode so I didn't care how he felt. There is life after divorce for both.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 30, 2018 15:55:07 GMT -5
Online research is okay, word of mouth and reputations are much better. My best advice came from our child psychologist who has seen plenty of families in court cases. Also the people at my local divorce recovery groups.
Sounds like the FOG is lifting?
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 30, 2018 16:00:55 GMT -5
Here's my reality: I am currently researching divorce lawyers online so I can contact one for an initial consultation. FWIW, pick 3 if you can get free consults. They will have different styles, which will become more evident by the 3rd one. And by the 3rd one, your questions will be more pointed as you have time to think on the prior consults and what questions you have left, and facts / strategy you want to confirm.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 30, 2018 16:03:23 GMT -5
Your husband is a smart guy, but I am not sure how smart he is in the human relations department. As obvious as it is to the rest of us, he may not "get it."
My stbx seemingly missed every clue, too, and there were some pretty big ones in comparison.
In the end, him not "getting it" is just one more indication that you are on the right path.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2018 16:03:23 GMT -5
It's like I had to become strong and tough with him but in a mean way. I had to be someone that I'm really not to get through the divorce. He even said I was like an unemotional robot and I was, but I accomplished my task. It was the hardest two months of my life from telling him I want a divorce to having him served.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2018 16:08:15 GMT -5
Here's my reality: I am currently researching divorce lawyers online so I can contact one for an initial consultation. FWIW, pick 3 if you can get free consults. They will have different styles, which will become more evident by the 3rd one. And by the 3rd one, your questions will be more pointed as you have time to think on the prior consults and what questions you have left, and facts / strategy you want to confirm. Yes I interviewed 3 attorneys and I went with the one that was agressive and played devil's advocate with me. I asked him a question about me getting alimony and he answered with " well there's no guarantee and if I was your husband's attorney...". I liked that there was some fight in him. In the end I didn't go after alimony and when signing the papers at the end my attorney asked "remind me again why we aren't going after alimony"?
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 30, 2018 16:20:36 GMT -5
Sounds like the FOG is lifting? greatcoastal - very very slowly. Or more like, I'm consciously pushing it out to make room for hopefully sunnier skies. It's like I had to become strong and tough with him but in a mean way. I had to be someone that I'm really not to get through the divorce. He even said I was like an unemotional robot and I was, but I accomplished my task. It was the hardest two months of my life from telling him I want a divorce to having him served. bballgirl I'm beginning to understand that that's the way I will have to be. Part of the issue for me is that I really have to overcome my emotions related to this because I DO still love my H. I just know it's never going to get better so I need to use the logical side of me to push through this tough time because I know it is the right path.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 30, 2018 16:28:43 GMT -5
I agree that word of mouth recommendations from people who have used divorce lawyers are best. I interviewed in person 3 lawyers and picked the one I liked best. I wanted a fair divorce for both my husband and me so didn’t want a vindictive lawyer or a pussycat. I ended up picking a woman who had divorced her lawyer husband.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2018 16:29:23 GMT -5
Sounds like the FOG is lifting? greatcoastal - very very slowly. Or more like, I'm consciously pushing it out to make room for hopefully sunnier skies. It's like I had to become strong and tough with him but in a mean way. I had to be someone that I'm really not to get through the divorce. He even said I was like an unemotional robot and I was, but I accomplished my task. It was the hardest two months of my life from telling him I want a divorce to having him served. bballgirl I'm beginning to understand that that's the way I will have to be. Part of the issue for me is that I really have to overcome my emotions related to this because I DO still love my H. I just know it's never going to get better so I need to use the logical side of me to push through this tough time because I know it is the right path. Yes it's like you have to numb your emotions. I told my H that I loved him but I wasn't in love with him. However a lot of nights even during the divorce we said "I love you" before going to sleep. We even slept in the same bed up to the end. My entire situation is not typical but what I have in common is I had to focus on myself, I needed to be divorced, and I figured out what's best for me.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 17:34:30 GMT -5
Your post reminded me of two things. 1. I saw a cartoon once where a spouse came home early from being away on a business trip and was wearing a "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" t-shirt. The spouse at home had on a t-shirt too "Familiarity Breeds Contempt". 2. There is a dynamic in some relationships where expressions of love (or other feelings) come easy but the correspondent actions do not. There are also relationships that are the opposite. Back when I was in a why-chasing mode (some of my 20's, all of my 30's and half of my 40's for God's sake) I noticed that she could not express feelings well but would do a corresponding action. However, the action wasn't what spoke to me...she's more chore based. In my case, I could express my love but my actions weren't right for her either. I adjusted to the "love you--follow up with appropriate action that she recognizes" but she never did want to hear that what I wanted really was as simple as an unsolicited hug, kiss other than the obligatory AM cheek peck.
It is a sad disconnect, especially that any vulnerability is too threatening. It's not like I've been flakey as a husband so a little emotional intimacy would seem to have been in order. Nope. I have been very close to divorce in the past and I know she just didn't see it. To her, our life looked the same but to me things were very much about over.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 30, 2018 18:05:50 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold Your comment of a "dynamic in some relationships where expressions of love (or other feelings) come easy but the correspondent actions do not" is right on the money when it comes to my H. He is away a lot. The texts and emails he writes while he's away are sweet and heartfelt and vulnerable (and getting more frequent as time marches on - whether that's due to him getting tired of traveling or if he's sensing that I'm slipping away, I don't know) but his expressions of love are a COMPLETE mismatch with the man I am *actually* married to. He expresses none of that when we are together, focuses on work or his phone, ignoring me most of the time, seeming to be mentally anywhere else but present in the moment. I can't wrap my brain around it! When he's gone apparently he's missing our "perfect marriage" - HA! When he's here it seems like he wants to be anywhere else.
I do think that to him, our life and marriage look the same as they had been. I'm not sure if he's noticed how much I've pulled away and he's trying to ignore it hoping it will go away/change, or if he honestly hasn't even noticed. I'm not sure which one is more pitiful.
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Post by ted on Apr 30, 2018 18:23:56 GMT -5
Listen to their actions, not their words—especially when the two are in conflict.
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Post by h on Apr 30, 2018 19:05:24 GMT -5
I would say, he likely knows something isn't right but doesn't know how far off the rails the marriage is. He's probably hoping it just blows over and the pressure goes away if he just waits out the trouble long enough. He will probably be blindsided by the divorce not because he's oblivious, but willfully ignorant. He won't see it coming because he has chosen to stick his head in the sand.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2018 19:44:56 GMT -5
I'm just floating this idea out there for you to mebbe think about Sister choosinghappy - and it doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong either - but is it possible that your rearview mirror is a bit warped ? Is it possible that the two-way connection you think was there back in the day really wasn't, or was not present at the level of intensity that you recollect ? A little anecdote for you ( I think it came from Sister @unjusted ) She maintained that her and her spouse did a lot of rooting early on as they wanted to have kids. At the time they were divorcing, she was cleaning out stuff, and found her fertility calenders from back then. She even photographed them on posted them (this was on the old EP group) The time she recalled as "rooting a-plenty" was not borne out by the facts. There were 4 months of data with X's on the calender to note the days of rooting. They revealed that for 3 or 4 days a month they had a root - during the period of fertility - and even then, not always. There was no time of lots of rooting, though she recalled that there had been. Anyway, I am just pointing out that we can sometimes put on our rose coloured glasses when reviewing things.
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