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Post by solodriver on Apr 25, 2018 3:13:18 GMT -5
I have decided to only ask questions once and the answers are "Yes" or "No". I no longer defend my position and don't want to hear her position anymore.
It's hard to do that after arguing about everything the past 15 years. I have to force myself mentally to stop whenever she makes the decision. I realized she doesn't give a crap about my feelings or desires or opinion so I'm just wasting my time, letting myself get frustrated and angry for no real reason. I guess the reason was that I cared. but she doesn't, so now neither do I.
Example of what I'm saying:
"Do you want to go out for dinner, to see a movie, or visit somewhere?" If she says Yes great we go together. If the answer is No, I go by myself and enjoy it anyway without her.
I started this in January this year and it helps me to enjoy things without her if she chooses not to participate. I enjoy the moment and the people I'm with and whatever road those moments take me down. I will no longer deny myself of whatever or whomever life brings me. I decided I will no longer allow my refuser to let me be miserable. I want to enjoy my time and am not afraid to do so. She checked out of this relationship and I no longer allow her to control me.
I no longer discuss anything that happens to me with my refuser because she's not really interested anyway. In the past her reactions made me mad. Looking back I was allowing her negative reactions to out relationship and my needs to get me depressed and angry all the time. I had to keep telling myself it wasn't me it was all her.
I don't want to be a bitter, angry or depressed person. I try to be positive that each day, I might meet someone who will want to share intimacy with me, but that won't happen if I'm negative. I want to be ready to share myself with someone without guilt or anger because of my refuser. I want to be ready fir that woman who may find me and wants to share with me. That's what gives me the motivation to get up and go each day now. I know it won't going to happen if I stayed in bed and allow depression and anger to control me.
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Anger
Apr 25, 2018 5:43:42 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Apr 25, 2018 5:43:42 GMT -5
"Do you want to go out for dinner, to see a movie, or visit somewhere?" If she says Yes great we go together. If the answer is No, I go by myself and enjoy it anyway without her.“
If she doesn’t give a crap about you why ask if she wants to go out with you? Why not just go do what you want?
About 15 years ago I started doing things solo. I realized I didn’t enjoy doing things with my husband. I made new friends and developed new hobbies. I didn’t do this to meet a lover but to enjoy myself. Five years after starting those solo excursions, I woke up and realized I wanted a divorce. A little over a year later I was divorced and in the most romantic, Caring and sensual relationship I’ve ever had. Five years later I’m still happily in it.
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Anger
Apr 25, 2018 7:54:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2018 7:54:57 GMT -5
I have decided to only ask questions once and the answers are "Yes" or "No". I no longer defend my position and don't want to hear her position anymore.
It's hard to do that after arguing about everything the past 15 years. I have to force myself mentally to stop whenever she makes the decision. I realized she doesn't give a crap about my feelings or desires or opinion so I'm just wasting my time, letting myself get frustrated and angry for no real reason. I guess the reason was that I cared. but she doesn't, so now neither do I.
Example of what I'm saying:
"Do you want to go out for dinner, to see a movie, or visit somewhere?" If she says Yes great we go together. If the answer is No, I go by myself and enjoy it anyway without her.
I started this in January this year and it helps me to enjoy things without her if she chooses not to participate. I enjoy the moment and the people I'm with and whatever road those moments take me down. I will no longer deny myself of whatever or whomever life brings me. I decided I will no longer allow my refuser to let me be miserable. I want to enjoy my time and am not afraid to do so. She checked out of this relationship and I no longer allow her to control me.
I no longer discuss anything that happens to me with my refuser because she's not really interested anyway. In the past her reactions made me mad. Looking back I was allowing her negative reactions to out relationship and my needs to get me depressed and angry all the time. I had to keep telling myself it wasn't me it was all her.
I don't want to be a bitter, angry or depressed person. I try to be positive that each day, I might meet someone who will want to share intimacy with me, but that won't happen if I'm negative. I want to be ready to share myself with someone without guilt or anger because of my refuser. I want to be ready fir that woman who may find me and wants to share with me. That's what gives me the motivation to get up and go each day now. I know it won't going to happen if I stayed in bed and allow depression and anger to control me.
Bravo! Good for you Advocating for your happiness. I can relate and I do this. For me it's important to have time to myself as well as time with my friends. I'm extremely independent and I enjoy my own company. I enjoy doing things with exH too but variety is good.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 25, 2018 8:07:24 GMT -5
I hesitate to draw this parallel, but perhaps not unlike having a child with a major disability... You wouldn't blame them for their condition or the burden it's created for your life. But you might still get angry at the universe for dealing you a shit sandwich. choosinghappy , I suspect your situation may be more like this one than the stereotypical bait & switch. DryCreek What is ironic is that the universe did indeed deal me that exact shit sandwich (amongst others). But I see the burdens from my child's disability in a very different way than the burdens created by my spouse. I could never feel angry at my son for being born with special needs. But to answer @shynjdude's question: I am angry at my H for leaving me with no good option. For lying to me about this for a decade and then after finally "coming clean" about it almost a year ago, having there be absolutely no change in our situation. I feel like he is forcing my hand in this and it makes me mad and sad and resentful. @shynjdude I think it's still reasonable for me to feel angry even though he's "not being mean to me". What he IS doing (or rather, NOT doing) still causes me harm. And it causes me to have to endure something (celibacy and complete lack of affection in marriage) against my will until I am able to leave. Yes, I am angry at the situation; a situation that could have been prevented had he been upfront before we married. I am also angry that he isn't willing to be transparent with me about it; about his thinking, what direction his therapy is taking, what I could possibly do during this time besides sitting around just waiting for him to offer me a crumb of anything. I'm angry that he dismisses my emotions related to this SM and continues to act like everything is okay. This causes me to feel like I have to just swallow my feelings or else live in a constantly volatile and disruptive home environment with me being upset all the time. That is not how I want to live. Therefore, I'm working on leaving. I don't yet know how long it will take but I do know that I need more tools/skills to manage this anger and resentment during the interim. Hence the post. He and I had a talk about this last night. I told him I need more communication and transparency from him. We'll see what happens over the next couple months.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 6, 2018 21:50:27 GMT -5
Aaaand, back to the anger.
In a way it kind of confuses me because I didn't feel any anger for a long time. Even when people here commented about how pissed off they'd be if their spouse failed to tell them about their issues for so long. But now I AM getting angry. I feel like I need to dive into that more fully to better understand. Why now? Particularly since I've made my decision?
I suspect some of the anger comes from me finally allowing myself to stop looking at things with a sympathetic eye. Now that I'm no longer trying to work on things with him (or even hope to work on things one day) I'm letting all of the bad things enter my consciousness. Perhaps I even "need" to do that in order to go through with what I know is the right thing to do.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2018 22:15:24 GMT -5
Anger is GOOD! It's a building block.
it's part of the transition, that means progress!
Grief, anger, letting go, self worth, and transition. All part of the second step towards freedom. 1) Accept that it's okay to feel angry.
2) Learn as many positive ways to expressing anger as possible.
3) Learn forgiveness and other ways to minimize your anger.
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Post by baza on May 6, 2018 22:18:12 GMT -5
The may even be elements where you are angry at yourself Sister choosinghappy ("why didn't I see this before" - or "why did I ignore some pretty glaring clues") In any event, anger is pretty normal at some point in the process - try not to fall into the trap of "being angry that you are angry". Chances are, you were angry back at the time the events took place, but you choked it down (reasonably successfully) Thing is, anger tends to re-emerge sooner or later, and mebbe this is "later". I find writing to be rather cathartic, so a suggestion --- Write about it, and really let rip, hold back nothing, and put it out there. Let your tears of anger sadness and all stain the page and absolutely go for it. Get it out, don't proof read it, just let it rip, in a stream of thought. Leave out nothing and get it out. If you are up for a bit of "new age" stuff, keep what you have written. And in a few days, re-read it. It might be worth keeping, or, you might like to symbolically burn it as a trigger to move forward. Helped me back in the day.
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Post by ihadalove on May 6, 2018 22:22:59 GMT -5
Lately when there have been issues I just feel sad. She says it's unattractive, of course! Not much thought goes to thinking about the cause. I used to get more angry, shout, etc. It didn't do much for me so I've dropped it. My resentment has gone down too, somehow.
That said I'm not sure if I was angry at her or just angry at the reality of the situation. I keep wondering if I'm asking for something impossible. The anger might be with myself.
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Anger
Jul 25, 2018 1:44:04 GMT -5
Post by solodriver on Jul 25, 2018 1:44:04 GMT -5
I hesitate to draw this parallel, but perhaps not unlike having a child with a major disability... You wouldn't blame them for their condition or the burden it's created for your life. But you might still get angry at the universe for dealing you a shit sandwich. choosinghappy , I suspect your situation may be more like this one than the stereotypical bait & switch. DryCreek What is ironic is that the universe did indeed deal me that exact shit sandwich (amongst others). But I see the burdens from my child's disability in a very different way than the burdens created by my spouse. I could never feel angry at my son for being born with special needs. But to answer @shynjdude 's question: I am angry at my H for leaving me with no good option. For lying to me about this for a decade and then after finally "coming clean" about it almost a year ago, having there be absolutely no change in our situation. I feel like he is forcing my hand in this and it makes me mad and sad and resentful. @shynjdude I think it's still reasonable for me to feel angry even though he's "not being mean to me". What he IS doing (or rather, NOT doing) still causes me harm. And it causes me to have to endure something (celibacy and complete lack of affection in marriage) against my will until I am able to leave. Yes, I am angry at the situation; a situation that could have been prevented had he been upfront before we married. I am also angry that he isn't willing to be transparent with me about it; about his thinking, what direction his therapy is taking, what I could possibly do during this time besides sitting around just waiting for him to offer me a crumb of anything. I'm angry that he dismisses my emotions related to this SM and continues to act like everything is okay. This causes me to feel like I have to just swallow my feelings or else live in a constantly volatile and disruptive home environment with me being upset all the time. That is not how I want to live. Therefore, I'm working on leaving. I don't yet know how long it will take but I do know that I need more tools/skills to manage this anger and resentment during the interim. Hence the post. He and I had a talk about this last night. I told him I need more communication and transparency from him. We'll see what happens over the next couple months. lonelywifey, I'm finding myself here now. What tools/skills do/did you use to help manage your anger to keep it from exploding?
And did it help, or did you have explosions anyway?
I get up so pissed off that I'm enduring another day of this shit and when I come home from work I get pissed off because I'm with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.
I'm working on my exit plan, but it's going to take several months to execute due to financial issues I need to deal with.
I just feel like crap all the time now. Even my co-workers have noticed a change in my demeanor, but they see my sadness and have even commented on it.
The songs I posted on Song of the Day from Bob Dylan and The Eagles are now stuck in my head. Not much comfort but it's exactly where I am now.
I do recognize that I'm going through the Anger phase of the grieving process.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 25, 2018 6:05:20 GMT -5
DryCreek What is ironic is that the universe did indeed deal me that exact shit sandwich (amongst others). But I see the burdens from my child's disability in a very different way than the burdens created by my spouse. I could never feel angry at my son for being born with special needs. But to answer @shynjdude 's question: I am angry at my H for leaving me with no good option. For lying to me about this for a decade and then after finally "coming clean" about it almost a year ago, having there be absolutely no change in our situation. I feel like he is forcing my hand in this and it makes me mad and sad and resentful. @shynjdude I think it's still reasonable for me to feel angry even though he's "not being mean to me". What he IS doing (or rather, NOT doing) still causes me harm. And it causes me to have to endure something (celibacy and complete lack of affection in marriage) against my will until I am able to leave. Yes, I am angry at the situation; a situation that could have been prevented had he been upfront before we married. I am also angry that he isn't willing to be transparent with me about it; about his thinking, what direction his therapy is taking, what I could possibly do during this time besides sitting around just waiting for him to offer me a crumb of anything. I'm angry that he dismisses my emotions related to this SM and continues to act like everything is okay. This causes me to feel like I have to just swallow my feelings or else live in a constantly volatile and disruptive home environment with me being upset all the time. That is not how I want to live. Therefore, I'm working on leaving. I don't yet know how long it will take but I do know that I need more tools/skills to manage this anger and resentment during the interim. Hence the post. He and I had a talk about this last night. I told him I need more communication and transparency from him. We'll see what happens over the next couple months. lomelywifey, I'm finding myself here now. What tools/skills do/did you use to help manage your anger to keep it from exploding?
And did it help, or did you have explosions anyway?
I get up so pissed off that I'm enduring another day of this shit and when I come home from work I get pissed off because I'm with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.
I'm working on my exit plan, but it's going to take several months to execute due to financial issues I need to deal with.
I just feel like crap all the time now. Even my co-workers have noticed a change in my demeanor, but they see my sadness and have even commented on it.
The songs I posted on Song of the Day from Bob Dylan and The Eagles are now stuck in my head. Not much comfort but it's exactly where I am now.
I do recognize that I'm going through the Anger phase of the grieving process.
solodriver the recognition is helpful in and of itself. Here are some of the things I did to help myself and avoid exploding: -awareness of the situation and my feelings through meditation, journaling, talking with friends and family. (Therapy would also fit here) -working on my exit plan -doing something small every day to work towards my exit/new life (e.g., putting money away, clearing out a drawer, organizing something, making a list, visualizing being happy) -Avoiding H as much as possible and detaching from him emotionally -focusing on myself, my health/fitness, my son. (Increasing exercise to alleviate the frustration could help too.) -outsourcing I never ended up exploding but it was almost always bubbling under the surface. Once I got to a point where I truly just stopped caring the anger subsided a bit. But with that comes it’s own sadness and stage of grieving as you realize the hope truly is gone. The one time I truly let it out was during The Talk with him when we agreed to divorce. The talk came about a month before I intended for it to but the convo we were having just naturally led itself to that and it all worked out for the best. I did have to exercise some extreme self control during the prior months though. That’s why I found avoidance helpful. I busied myself away from him.
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