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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 24, 2018 14:53:34 GMT -5
How do you get past the anger you have for your refuser spouse?
I admit I have an underlying level of anger and resentment about this SM and it colors every interaction I have with my H. The little things in a marriage that would normally be shrugged off without a second thought turn into much bigger annoyances/problems when there’s little connection or intimacy between us. And there’s not even the option to work off that energy through sex!
What do you do to move past/through the anger so it doesn’t begin to ruin your life?
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 24, 2018 14:57:57 GMT -5
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 24, 2018 14:59:01 GMT -5
Honestly, my biggest strategy is shutting down/putting up a wall. I’ve detached from him emotionally so I think it helps the negative things have less of an impact because I simply don’t care as much.
But it’s not always true that I don’t care. Honestly I am just unhappy and it comes out in various ways, like anger at the situation and at my H. Silent anger that I’m worried is going to explode one of these days before I’m ready to have The Talk.
I try to tamper it down by focusing on things like: -Exercise/my health -Meditation -Hobbies -Good relationships with others -Focusing on my exit plan
But those things don’t always help in the moment. Any other suggestions?
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 24, 2018 15:06:16 GMT -5
Thanks DryCreek. I missed this thread. I certainly am dealing with the companion issue of resentment too, as well as the anger, so this is helpful. It’s frustrating that my H wouldn’t even be able to begin to understand the emotions I’m feeling since he is asexual and sex just isn’t a part of his life! He doesn’t know what he’s missing (or rather, what *I* am missing) because he is happier without it. He can’t understand how it compounds and eats at me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2018 15:29:21 GMT -5
How do you get past the anger you have for your refuser spouse? I admit I have an underlying level of anger and resentment about this SM and it colors every interaction I have with my H. The little things in a marriage that would normally be shrugged off without a second thought turn into much bigger annoyances/problems when there’s little connection or intimacy between us. And there’s not even the option to work off that energy through sex! What do you do to move past/through the anger so it doesn’t begin to ruin your life? Why are you angry at him? I don't mean to be flippant, but from what you've said he is not being mean to you. He's not trying to punish you by withholding sex. He actually likes you. Your H is broken and cannot be fixed. So are you angry at him or at your situation? Or at yourself for not realizing the problem years ago? Maybe an honest appraisal can defuse the anger. Apologies if I've misread things.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 24, 2018 15:39:53 GMT -5
Thinking of my H as “a broken boy” incapable of being & doing what I had dreamed of - well, it helped sometimes.
Owning my own choice to stay (temporarily until I had executed MY exit plan steps) - that helped often.
Therapist, individual- helped me tremendously.
Finding ways to “not play along” with his plans, his idea of my role - helped at times.
Find a variety of these cognitive approaches- because most only work some of the time. But with a large enough variety, maybe you’ll have one that is effective for whatever the situation is.
Understand that silent anger is the worst kind. Your health will be the only thing that suffers by keeping it in. If you can’t express it to him, then a therapist could be a good surrogate.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 24, 2018 15:47:56 GMT -5
Lets say that your anger is due to feeling like he has been educated over, and over again about the problem and you are now seeing it as meanness, punishment and a blatant avoidance of him facing his fears . Just enough to see that your needs don't even make it to the table . This leaves you resentful and disrespected. Their is only a smidgen of trust, communication, and truth going on. (putting up a wall doesn't help, it only kicks the can down the road)
Here's a small example: someone says a sentence to you and you don't understand any of it! So you say to that person," can you say that different , I didn't understand any of that?" Then you say "thank you, what was that last part? say it again?" Now you understand it better. You can agree, disagree, give your opinion, listen to more etc... You can communicate. How did that happen? You where brave/bold enough to do 3 things. Submit, be bold, and seek truth, all by asking " say it again ,I want to understand". (boy did I learn that a lot speaking with my attorney!)
I believe your next step will be to replace the anger with sympathy, that he is broken and can't be fixed. Then you can be thankful.
Thankful by telling yourself, "Thank you for being your true self, I now see it for what it truly is. You continue to confirm that this is not my problem, but something much bigger that I can not fix. I can only fix myself. I'm giving you a priceless gift by setting you free. I am no longer going to be supporting your logic while brewing anger against you, that is not fair to you or me, or the family".
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 24, 2018 15:49:28 GMT -5
Thanks DryCreek. I missed this thread. I certainly am dealing with the companion issue of resentment too, as well as the anger, so this is helpful. It’s frustrating that my H wouldn’t even be able to begin to understand the emotions I’m feeling since he is asexual and sex just isn’t a part of his life! He doesn’t know what he’s missing (or rather, what *I* am missing) because he is happier without it. He can’t understand how it compounds and eats at me. Sigh. Yes. I've come to realize that W can't even relate to what I'm saying. It's like trying to describe the color 'orange' to a blind person. She literally doesn't understand why I'm going on about it. It makes me sad for her; she's missing out on one of life's great treasures. I can't fix it for her, and she's not interested in exploring. And, yes, I get the anger boiling beneath the surface that erupts for seemingly irrational reasons. More than once I've found myself pissed at being preempted by some routine task, and realizing that if I wasn't so agitated her request would have been no big deal. From where she sits, I might seem like a real asshole sometimes, because she doesn't get how emotionally destructive it is. Some weeks are better than others, for sure.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 24, 2018 16:27:10 GMT -5
Thanks DryCreek. I missed this thread. I certainly am dealing with the companion issue of resentment too, as well as the anger, so this is helpful. It’s frustrating that my H wouldn’t even be able to begin to understand the emotions I’m feeling since he is asexual and sex just isn’t a part of his life! He doesn’t know what he’s missing (or rather, what *I* am missing) because he is happier without it. He can’t understand how it compounds and eats at me. This comment got me thinking and while my H was not asexual, he had a low libido, chose porn because he's lazy, has a neglectful lifestyle and now he's impotent due to his health. Sex with H was never great so I'm fine to never have sex with him again. He might as well have been asexual because the sex was lousy. So the part of your comment that made my mind go was the part about him not being able to relate and empathize for the way you feel and the loss you have suffered. So I wonder if there isn't a hobby or something that your husband is really into. My exH loves baseball. How would he like it if I said, "I don't like baseball anymore and so you can no longer watch it anymore". How would he feel? He would miss it so much, I swear that man loves baseball like I've never seen. My point is if you can have a discussion with your H and relate it to some activity he enjoys so much then maybe he can relate and empathize for you.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 24, 2018 18:00:25 GMT -5
choosinghappyI want to speak to the two questions you asked because I had so much anger and resentment. I was in a SM for 23 years and faithful and naive for two decades so I was robbed of great sex during my 20's and 30's, it was emotional abuse whether or not it was intentional, and the romantic love perished slowly like a plant slowly dying. How do you get past the anger you have for your refuser spouse? I accepted that my H loved me the best that he was capable of. We were sexually incompatible but we are compatible in a lot of other ways. At the end of the day I know he loves me and he will always have my back. After I divorced him he still called me to talk about news events, sports, complain about his mother who I no longer had to deal with lol, and just to talk. He would take me to dinner with the kids occasionally after a ball game and we were able to remain friends even though we weren't living together anymore. To my surprise after a year and a half - I missed him. I missed his daily companionship, I missed us all being together as a family, and I did not want that companionship with any other man. I texted him and asked if he would want to try again and he immediately said "yes". There definitely is a huge sense of comfort I have being back with him. We know each other better than anyone else and there are petty things that we both do that annoy each other but in the end we love each other. What do you do to get past/through the anger so it doesn’t begin to ruin your life? I think for me the philosophy of take lemons and make lemonade is what worked for me. If my H would have had sex with me once a month maybe even 6 times a year then I would have never met my lover. I would have never known what great sex is. Even last week when we met we tried something new that I had never experienced. We are close friends and it's just easy and fun with him. I got a divorce and tried out dating. I went out with a lot of men in that year and a half and I had sex with some of them. Ninety percent of my sex was with fwb but he encouraged me to date. This allowed me to learn a lot about myself, to grow my confidence, and realize what I really wanted for myself. I know relationships are hard work and no relationship is perfect. Sometimes we can't get 100% from one person. Sometimes that's out of our control and we shouldn't worry about things that are out of our control but focus on what's in your control and focus on that and what makes you happy in life. Think about what things your H does that brings good things in your life. I will admit that at times anger and resentment creeps in but it's manageable now and I can't change history I can only look forward and enjoying my future.
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Post by baza on Apr 24, 2018 19:35:39 GMT -5
This is completely obvious Sister choosinghappy , but getting out of the environment that caused your resentment and which continues to fuel your resentment is a really good strategy to reduce your resentment levels. Further down the track - after (if) you get out and can start seeing your ILIASM shithole for what it was - your resentment level will really start to fall away. Be aware though, that it never completely goes away. Sometimes, even now (out since October 2009) I think of my old deal and still feel mildly pissed off / resentful of the time I burned. But that pissed off / resentful feeling is directed more at me than anyone else. A realisation comes - in time - that your spouse was who they were (they weren't deliberately being a dick, just being themselves), and you were who you were. And the combination was not a match. Learn. Move on.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 24, 2018 19:55:34 GMT -5
How do you get past the anger you have for your refuser spouse? I accepted that my H loved me the best that he was capable of. We were sexually incompatible but we are compatible in a lot of other ways. At the end of the day I know he loves me and he will always have my back. This. I overlooked this in my reply on the other thread, and it's pretty core. Simply put, W and I have very different definitions of love. Hers is much closer to platonic BFFs, while mine includes verbal and mental foreplay, sensuality, arousal, intimacy, and spontaneity. Emotionally, it helps to accept that she really is "all-in"... to the extent that she's capable. In my case, she's not doing this intentionally, and my anger and resentment aren't directed at her; rather, at the situation I got myself into. But that still rears its head. I hesitate to draw this parallel, but perhaps not unlike having a child with a major disability... You wouldn't blame them for their condition or the burden it's created for your life. But you might still get angry at the universe for dealing you a shit sandwich. choosinghappy, I suspect your situation may be more like this one than the stereotypical bait & switch.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 25, 2018 1:03:11 GMT -5
I think planning to get out of your ILIASM deal might help with the resentment. Also, as others have said, perhaps accepting that he's doing the best he can and is just kind of incompatible with your needs could help.
And, could it be that the resentment you feel towards him is really anger or frustration with yourself for not seeing "warning signs" before marrying him (if there were any, I can't recall your backstory at the moment.) Perhaps you need to let yourself off the hook and give yourself a pat on the back for making the best decision you could at the time in marrying him. Don't beat yourself up.
Finally, I think time helps.
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littlelamb
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Post by littlelamb on Apr 25, 2018 1:29:38 GMT -5
I oddly have no anger, and havn't experienced anger. I understand and feel it might be justified to be mad...but I'm not and havn't been... for me its not anger its just pain. I see a therapist, I talk about it, I cry a lot. and try not to overly question/doubt his commitment or where he's been or if he is cheating because I feel that will just make things worse or push him away more. I try to be calm. I used to masturbate and that helped me feel alright for a while because I was frustrated but I don't really have it in me for that anymore, it's just about getting through the day and avoiding thoughts of low self worth and trying not to let it be so important for now.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 25, 2018 2:01:05 GMT -5
Moving ahead is the only way to get over the resentment and anger. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. I'm still dealing with the consequences. But I am happy now. It is easier not to feel so much resentment. But I can still feel anger. Anger is a motivation to move, to do something. It's ok to be angry (it's not ok to take it out on people who don't deserve it). While resentment and anger are dwelling in you, you are not fully available for joy. You must listen to the anger and you must respond to it. Stuffing it down will only eat you up, emotionally and there is a good chance that all that stress and stress hormones will cause you health problems, too.
You have to go.
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