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Post by flounder on Jul 20, 2018 8:52:02 GMT -5
Started wild. And hot. Over the last 8 years,seemed to get less and less each year. She would hit a spurt where it was great for 6 months,then nothing for 6 Months or longer.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 20, 2018 8:55:59 GMT -5
Mine was always sexless. We were good Christian kids and didn't have sex before marriage. I didn't realize that masked an actual aversion to sex until our wedding night. And then I was trapped, or so I thought, because as a good Christian kid I couldn't divorce. Good plan, Jesus. My wife and I have always been good Christians too and conservative upbringing played a role in our former SM as well... my wife and her family being more conservative. The preaching against pre-marital sex is something that *is* just crazy and *drives me crazy* as a "modern day" Christian. Completely impractical and ignores ingrained biological needs and physical compatibility. So what's better to the Christian churches these days: (1) having people abstain from sex and accordingly "gamble" that they are physically compatible, or (2) making sure they are physically compatible so that they don't divorce later, breaking up families / kids and parents in the process?
I didn't believe in divorce either until, after many years, I reached such a breaking point I think the conflict was literally about to destroy me inside. That's when I generously set a 1 year time frame for things to turn around otherwise I decided I was going to separate and then likely divorce. And as fate would have it, in the 11th hour a counselor was able to help get through to my wife that my needs were real and she might want to reconsider her thinking before I head out the door.
Ted - Don't worry about what anyone "thinks" about if you were to divorce (e.g. parents, in-laws, friends, pastor, people at your church, etc.). They don't have to live your life. Divorce *is* an option, despite the "preaching" that you may hear. *They* don't have to live the rest of *your* life.
TL2
And likely you think more about what "they" think about you more than "they" actually do. I'd be surprised if anyone outside my immediate family gave my divorce more than 5 minutes of thought (being generous there)
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 20, 2018 9:41:19 GMT -5
I have to admit that I was the one who stopped sex at first. I’ve been fighting depression pretty much my entire life. About three years into our marriage I just felt fat and ugly. I gained a considerable amount of weight since we got married. I fought getting professional help for years but finally broke down and got on medication. I have to say he was very patient with me through the whole thing. We never got back to where we used to be and whenever I would try to initiate anything in later years is when I started getting refused by him, not that he didn’t love me, he just couldn’t perform. Then I got hurt by the rejection and now I’m not attracted to him at all. The whole situation is pretty f’ed up. I feel that I’ve totally screwed up everything. Kudos to you for seeking treatment for your depression. I too have struggled with depression most of my life and I know firsthand how hard it can be to ask for help. Keep taking good care of yourself.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 20, 2018 17:55:51 GMT -5
We started out a clueless virgin teenagers. But we were enthusiastic, experimental and horny.that lasted 30 years and has been sliding downhill since as far as quantity. But she is not a psycho like so many spouses of our members. On the positive side the frequency of sex cannot get much worse.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 23, 2018 22:42:10 GMT -5
We started out a clueless virgin teenagers. But we were enthusiastic, experimental and horny.that lasted 30 years and has been sliding downhill since as far as quantity. But she is not a psycho like so many spouses of our members. On the positive side the frequency of sex cannot get much worse. Yes, Jim, there's nowhere to go but up on the frequency. It's downright painful to be in a SM no doubt, but it sounds like you had 30 good years in the beginning. I didn't know that before... so that's good. You both know what the good stuff is / was like. Hope you can get something going again.
TL2
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Post by saarinista on Jul 24, 2018 1:21:33 GMT -5
We started out a clueless virgin teenagers. But we were enthusiastic, experimental and horny.that lasted 30 years and has been sliding downhill since as far as quantity. But she is not a psycho like so many spouses of our members. On the positive side the frequency of sex cannot get much worse. I'm coming to believe that the traditional model of one sexual partner for decades of marriage may not be realistic. I was brought up very Christian, with sexually repressed attitudes, but I have a brain and I can see that things were a lot different back in biblical times than they are now. life spans were shorter. most people didn't live as long as they do now, so sexually exclusive marriage for life was not necessarily such a big deal as it is in these days, where people commonly live to 80 or 90. 30 years of great sex with one spouse is a GREAT run. Personally, I no longer think it's morally wrong to have a discreet affair in a situation like yours. Of course you have to be careful and you don't want people to be hurt but sometimes I think it's the best thing. Sometimes, one spouse is just over sex while the other isn't, or they're just over sex with their spouses, though they still like them. in those cases an open marriage makes ore sense than a divorce, IMHO. We need alternative models for marriage and commitment and lifelong sexuality, because the ones we have now are creating a lot of unfulfilled people.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 24, 2018 1:28:36 GMT -5
I have to admit that I was the one who stopped sex at first. I’ve been fighting depression pretty much my entire life. About three years into our marriage I just felt fat and ugly. I gained a considerable amount of weight since we got married. I fought getting professional help for years but finally broke down and got on medication. I have to say he was very patient with me through the whole thing. We never got back to where we used to be and whenever I would try to initiate anything in later years is when I started getting refused by him, not that he didn’t love me, he just couldn’t perform. Then I got hurt by the rejection and now I’m not attracted to him at all. The whole situation is pretty f’ed up. I feel that I’ve totally screwed up everything. No you haven't. It will be okay. You're fighting the stigma and getting help for your depression, as am I. Good for us. You did not screw everything up. This is not a perfect world we live in here. <3
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Post by saarinista on Jul 24, 2018 1:33:56 GMT -5
Mine was always sexless. We were good Christian kids and didn't have sex before marriage. I didn't realize that masked an actual aversion to sex until our wedding night. And then I was trapped, or so I thought, because as a good Christian kid I couldn't divorce. Good plan, Jesus. My wife and I have always been good Christians too and conservative upbringing played a role in our former SM as well... my wife and her family being more conservative. The preaching against pre-marital sex is something that *is* just crazy and *drives me crazy* as a "modern day" Christian. Completely impractical and ignores ingrained biological needs and physical compatibility. So what's better to the Christian churches these days: (1) having people abstain from sex and accordingly "gamble" that they are physically compatible, or (2) making sure they are physically compatible so that they don't divorce later, breaking up families / kids and parents in the process? I didn't believe in divorce either until, after many years, I reached such a breaking point I think the conflict was literally about to destroy me inside. That's when I generously set a 1 year time frame for things to turn around otherwise I decided I was going to separate and then likely divorce. And as fate would have it, in the 11th hour a counselor was able to help get through to my wife that my needs were real and she might want to reconsider her thinking before I head out the door. Ted - Don't worry about what anyone "thinks" about if you were to divorce (e.g. parents, in-laws, friends, pastor, people at your church, etc.). They don't have to live your life. Divorce *is* an option, despite the "preaching" that you may hear. *They* don't have to live the rest of *your* life.
TL2
Can I just say that not every church these days is so sexually conservative like they used to be? If you're feeling dissed by your faith family for needing to take care of the needs of your God given body, go find a different church that's more in touch with your reality. I know that can be scary, but it's worth a try.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 24, 2018 8:22:35 GMT -5
We started out a clueless virgin teenagers. But we were enthusiastic, experimental and horny.that lasted 30 years and has been sliding downhill since as far as quantity. But she is not a psycho like so many spouses of our members. On the positive side the frequency of sex cannot get much worse. I'm coming to believe that the traditional model of one sexual partner for decades of marriage may not be realistic. I was brought up very Christian, with sexually repressed attitudes, but I have a brain and I can see that things were a lot different back in biblical times than they are now. life spans were shorter. most people didn't live as long as they do now, so sexually exclusive marriage for life was not necessarily such a big deal as it is in these days, where people commonly live to 80 or 90. 30 years of great sex with one spouse is a GREAT run. Personally, I no longer think it's morally wrong to have a discreet affair in a situation like yours. Of course you have to be careful and you don't want people to be hurt but sometimes I think it's the best thing. Sometimes, one spouse is just over sex while the other isn't, or they're just over sex with their spouses, though they still like them. in those cases an open marriage makes ore sense than a divorce, IMHO. We need alternative models for marriage and commitment and lifelong sexuality, because the ones we have now are creating a lot of unfulfilled people. This times 1000! Especially the last part about alternative models for marriage.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 24, 2018 8:54:06 GMT -5
“I have to say he was very patient with me through the whole thing. We never got back to where we used to be and whenever I would try to initiate anything in later years is when I started getting refused by him, not that he didn’t love me, he just couldn’t perform. Then I got hurt by the rejection and now I’m not attracted to him at all. The whole situation is pretty f’ed up. I feel that I’ve totally screwed up everything.”
Has he sought medical help? If he hadn’t, that’s what is needed. There is no shame in getting help for ED. Heck, even former US vice prez Bob Dole appeared in a commercial for ED meds. If his ed is due to psychological problems resulting from your rejections, sex counseling involving you both might help.
If he has ED and then doesn’t do anything to satisfy you of course you’d lose attraction for him. But you might feel it again if he is able to perform.
You saw how your life turned around when you got the mental health assistance you needed. He and your marriage might have a similar turn around if he seeks medical and or counseling help for his ed. There may be more hope for your marriage than is true of most others here.
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