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Post by saarinista on Apr 25, 2018 1:16:42 GMT -5
Thanks Lonelywifey...I appreciate your honesty. The slow evolution of the SM in my case is probably what is most troublesome to me. I can still remember the good times and therefore hope that they will return...hope is my prison. Just remember you are also the warden. And you are the judge. Can you honestly say the sex was good in the beginning? I ask because my H and I had a lot of sex in the first years of our relationship, but honestly, it was never (or almost never) very good, at least for me. And his heart may not have been in it either. I think we both were lonely and had sex because we wanted to be together, when we really should have just been friends. Your situation may be different, but be sure you're not trying to rekindle good times that in reality were never that great, firefollower .
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 19, 2018 14:44:58 GMT -5
Not entirely true Brother rejected101 . Brother timeforliving2 has a credible case of his deal doing a 180. He was a reasonably regular contributor to the group, but I haven't seen him around since about January this year. But you need to take that in context. There are 1,088 members here. Brother timeforliving2 represents 00.09% baza Thanks for the shout out... It has been quite a while since I was on this site. My apologies... One of my kids had big health issues while work was going crazy.
rejected101 It was only after joining the predecessor site to this one (EP) and reading and chatting for many months that I began to (1) get enough wisdom to understand the situation better, and (2) knew that I had to take a stand / shake the pot / be ready and willing to leave... in order for any change to actually happen. If you are not ready and willing to leave your SM then (1) often a refuser may not take your needs seriously, and (2) you are overlooking a real and viable option, which you must be willing to pursue (in my opinion).
Bottom line: Yes, when people have turned the corner on a SM and have improved it to make things better, often we may forget to check back in here... because our situations are not in dire need anymore. And I have been absent for a long time.... so I apologize. I know people out there are hurting and could really benefit from some insight I may have. Kudos to baza for still being on these boards. He was one of many people who offered wisdom I needed to make a change.
I will try to check back in here more regularly, perhaps weekly. I know it won't be daily but I will do what I can to help others / pay it forward.
TL2
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 19, 2018 15:13:14 GMT -5
For me, it was like a switch flipped when we got married. Before marriage we referred to ourselves as the “naked bed people”. The sex was good and frequent. Not knock-your-socks-off fantastic, but good. Easy. Comfortable.
My husband was sexually abused as a child, and he believes it was by his mother. After a lot of reading here on this forum and elsewhere, and a lot of reflection and thinking, I believe that the act of getting married transformed me into a maternal figure and triggered his fear of intimacy/sex with me/maternal figure. We both have kids from previous marriages, so I was already a mama—and he loved that about me, that I was a good mom—but until we married he saw me as “girlfriend”.
My situation is a little different from most here who have spoken up, in that the change was sudden and complete, without reset sex.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 15:32:39 GMT -5
Wedding day Bait N Switch. Went from twice a week to once a month overnight. Sex once on two week fantasy destination honeymoon.
I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years...
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 19, 2018 15:34:58 GMT -5
I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years... WTF?!
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 15:36:59 GMT -5
I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years... WTF?! Yeah I get that a lot when I tell this mini story. She was “different”. Even in the context of SM refuser psychos.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 19, 2018 16:51:38 GMT -5
Wedding day Bait N Switch. Went from twice a week to once a month overnight. Sex once on two week fantasy destination honeymoon. I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years... I didn't bother asking. Didn't really care what the lie would have been. Just happy to be out and not be asking why anymore.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 17:02:31 GMT -5
Wedding day Bait N Switch. Went from twice a week to once a month overnight. Sex once on two week fantasy destination honeymoon. I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years... I didn't bother asking. Didn't really care what the lie would have been. Just happy to be out and not be asking why anymore. Interestingly the convo where that came up was instigated by her after I announced it was over. She insisted on arguing/justifying herself. I would have been happy to exit without the big last argument. But if you insist....
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2018 18:36:55 GMT -5
No, gradually, from a C- in both quantity and quality to an F in both.
Since she was my first, I was happy with the C-, not knowing any better.
It was only when I was 56 that I learned what good sex was.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 19, 2018 20:11:43 GMT -5
Pretty much went from okay to dead the day I said "I do". What little post-wedding sex we have had has been unsatisfying at best.
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Post by ted on Jul 19, 2018 20:29:25 GMT -5
Mine was always sexless. We were good Christian kids and didn't have sex before marriage. I didn't realize that masked an actual aversion to sex until our wedding night. And then I was trapped, or so I thought, because as a good Christian kid I couldn't divorce. Good plan, Jesus.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 20:35:17 GMT -5
Not entirely true Brother rejected101 . Brother timeforliving2 has a credible case of his deal doing a 180. He was a reasonably regular contributor to the group, but I haven't seen him around since about January this year. But you need to take that in context. There are 1,088 members here. Brother timeforliving2 represents 00.09% I used to be an accountant too, but I’m better now Lol
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 19, 2018 21:19:21 GMT -5
Mine was always sexless. We were good Christian kids and didn't have sex before marriage. I didn't realize that masked an actual aversion to sex until our wedding night. And then I was trapped, or so I thought, because as a good Christian kid I couldn't divorce. Good plan, Jesus. My wife and I have always been good Christians too and conservative upbringing played a role in our former SM as well... my wife and her family being more conservative. The preaching against pre-marital sex is something that *is* just crazy and *drives me crazy* as a "modern day" Christian. Completely impractical and ignores ingrained biological needs and physical compatibility. So what's better to the Christian churches these days: (1) having people abstain from sex and accordingly "gamble" that they are physically compatible, or (2) making sure they are physically compatible so that they don't divorce later, breaking up families / kids and parents in the process?
I didn't believe in divorce either until, after many years, I reached such a breaking point I think the conflict was literally about to destroy me inside. That's when I generously set a 1 year time frame for things to turn around otherwise I decided I was going to separate and then likely divorce. And as fate would have it, in the 11th hour a counselor was able to help get through to my wife that my needs were real and she might want to reconsider her thinking before I head out the door.
Ted - Don't worry about what anyone "thinks" about if you were to divorce (e.g. parents, in-laws, friends, pastor, people at your church, etc.). They don't have to live your life. Divorce *is* an option, despite the "preaching" that you may hear. *They* don't have to live the rest of *your* life.
TL2
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Post by workingonit on Jul 19, 2018 21:29:27 GMT -5
Ted mine was always sexless too. Or really problematic sexually. We also did not have sex before marriage though he was not my first.
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Post by Carol on Jul 20, 2018 0:17:58 GMT -5
I have to admit that I was the one who stopped sex at first. I’ve been fighting depression pretty much my entire life. About three years into our marriage I just felt fat and ugly. I gained a considerable amount of weight since we got married. I fought getting professional help for years but finally broke down and got on medication. I have to say he was very patient with me through the whole thing. We never got back to where we used to be and whenever I would try to initiate anything in later years is when I started getting refused by him, not that he didn’t love me, he just couldn’t perform. Then I got hurt by the rejection and now I’m not attracted to him at all. The whole situation is pretty f’ed up. I feel that I’ve totally screwed up everything.
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