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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 20:02:44 GMT -5
As I was taking a walk today, this popped into my mind: - I will not spend the rest of my life sexless.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without touch.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without intimacy.
- I will not spend the rest of my life living with someone who disrespects me.
- I will not spend the rest of my life being gaslighted.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without being appreciated.
I still don't have a plan, but I just cannot see staying anymore.
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Post by michael on Apr 21, 2018 21:01:07 GMT -5
Is there more to it then just being sexless? I don’t think my marriage is that bad other than being sexless, which sucks for sure, but I am not in a place yet where I want to leave. I just want to get laid once in a while. I bet if that happened then I could even overlook other things that bother me like the house being messy and other things. Anyways I suffer from depression and I think that being in a sexless marriage is a big part of it. Although there are other things in my life that don’t help. I think that I should come home to escape real life for awhile but home for me is just depressing too.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 21, 2018 21:07:10 GMT -5
As I was taking a walk today, this popped into my mind: - I will not spend the rest of my life sexless.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without touch.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without intimacy.
- I will not spend the rest of my life living with someone who disrespects me.
- I will not spend the rest of my life being gaslighted.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without being appreciated.
I still don't have a plan, but I just cannot see staying anymore.
can you share this with your wife?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 21:21:53 GMT -5
can you share this with your wife? I think it is too late. She has some very good attributes but she will never change in most of these aspects. At this point I have given up on repair. I thought that I could survive long term with outsourcing, but outsourcing taught me is what real intimacy is and how it is literally impossible with my wife. And as I try to get closer to my true values, outsourcing is inconsistent with who I want to be. (However it has given me more self esteem and self confidence than years of therapy ever could have.) Up until now, when we had arguments and she threatened divorce, I would argue that I am not interested in it and wanted to work things out. A lot of this was because I knew that they were empty threats - she was lonely and needy and wanted reassurance than I wouldn't leave. If it comes up again, I might be silent but I will not argue. I am too scared at the moment to take the next step, but I'm getting closer. I have, with luck, a few decades of life left and I don't want them to be like the last few.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 21:29:12 GMT -5
Is there more to it then just being sexless? I don’t think my marriage is that bad other than being sexless, which sucks for sure, but I am not in a place yet where I want to leave. I just want to get laid once in a while. I bet if that happened then I could even overlook other things that bother me like the house being messy and other things. Anyways I suffer from depression and I think that being in a sexless marriage is a big part of it. Although there are other things in my life that don’t help. I think that I should come home to escape real life for awhile but home for me is just depressing too. See my last response. While I am not recommending it, I was lucky enough to find in outsourcing much more beyond sex - to find the intimacy that I had been missing my entire marriage. As surfergirl calls it, A Proper Affair. This, more than anything else, helped me get out of my own depression and resignation that I was not in control of my life. I am not the horrible person my wife gaslighted me into thinking I was. Her accusations against me of being selfish were her projecting her own selfishness onto me (for the most part.) Now, between therapy and feedback from my AP, I know that I am not at all that person. Time to try to become the person I am capable of being. (Easier said than done.)
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Post by baza on Apr 22, 2018 0:10:47 GMT -5
As I was taking a walk today, this popped into my mind: - I will not spend the rest of my life sexless.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without touch.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without intimacy.
- I will not spend the rest of my life living with someone who disrespects me.
- I will not spend the rest of my life being gaslighted.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without being appreciated.
I still don't have a plan, but I just cannot see staying anymore.
Could there be some value in re-framing this Brother @shynjdude ? I will spend the rest of my life expressing myself sexually I will spend the rest of my life with touch. I will spend the rest of my life with intimacy. I will spend the rest of my life engaging with people who respect me. I will spend the rest of my life engaging with people who are honest with me. I will spend the rest of my life engaging with people who appreciate me This alternate is from the perspective of what you will do, rather than what you won't. I liked your list, I've just moved the viewing point a little bit. Might help, might not.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 22, 2018 0:26:36 GMT -5
Is there more to it then just being sexless? I don’t think my marriage is that bad other than being sexless, which sucks for sure, but I am not in a place yet where I want to leave. I just want to get laid once in a while. I bet if that happened then I could even overlook other things that bother me like the house being messy and other things. Anyways I suffer from depression and I think that being in a sexless marriage is a big part of it. Although there are other things in my life that don’t help. I think that I should come home to escape real life for awhile but home for me is just depressing too. See my last response. While I am not recommending it, I was lucky enough to find in outsourcing much more beyond sex - to find the intimacy that I had been missing my entire marriage. As surfergirl calls it, A Proper Affair. This, more than anything else, helped me get out of my own depression and resignation that I was not in control of my life. I am not the horrible person my wife gaslighted me into thinking I was. Her accusations against me of being selfish were her projecting her own selfishness onto me (for the most part.) Now, between therapy and feedback from my AP, I know that I am not at all that person. Time to try to become the person I am capable of being. (Easier said than done.) Those are some great insights. I would say keep walking. It's good for your health so you'll live longer and have more years to enjoy hopefully a new relationship, and exercise oxygenates your brain, perhaps making it easier for good thinking to occur. Pro tip- some of us may need to bring our cell phones on our walks so we can dictate good ideas into our voice recorders, lest we forget them by the time we get home. Anyway I hate to hear that your wife is calling you selfish and all that. That's not my impression of you. Besides everybody is selfish that's just human nature. It doesn't sound like she's being appreciative of your needs if she's calling you selfish. I think I need to take a walk tomorrow and every day.
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Post by michael on Apr 22, 2018 0:46:51 GMT -5
Is there more to it then just being sexless? I don’t think my marriage is that bad other than being sexless, which sucks for sure, but I am not in a place yet where I want to leave. I just want to get laid once in a while. I bet if that happened then I could even overlook other things that bother me like the house being messy and other things. Anyways I suffer from depression and I think that being in a sexless marriage is a big part of it. Although there are other things in my life that don’t help. I think that I should come home to escape real life for awhile but home for me is just depressing too. See my last response. While I am not recommending it, I was lucky enough to find in outsourcing much more beyond sex - to find the intimacy that I had been missing my entire marriage. As surfergirl calls it, A Proper Affair. This, more than anything else, helped me get out of my own depression and resignation that I was not in control of my life. I am not the horrible person my wife gaslighted me into thinking I was. Her accusations against me of being selfish were her projecting her own selfishness onto me (for the most part.) Now, between therapy and feedback from my AP, I know that I am not at all that person. Time to try to become the person I am capable of being. (Easier said than done.) Outsourcing is not an option for me. I would love to but this definitely be a deal breaker in our marriage which I said is not something I want. Besides I cringe at the thought of my wife sleeping with someone else. I’m quite sure though that it would make me have a higher self-esteem like it did for you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2018 5:00:40 GMT -5
baza My list helps me focus a little better on what I need to do now. Yours is better for if/when I get out of my deal.
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Manifesto
Apr 22, 2018 23:51:43 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lwoetin on Apr 22, 2018 23:51:43 GMT -5
can you share this with your wife? I think it is too late. She has some very good attributes but she will never change in most of these aspects. At this point I have given up on repair. I thought that I could survive long term with outsourcing, but outsourcing taught me is what real intimacy is and how it is literally impossible with my wife. And as I try to get closer to my true values, outsourcing is inconsistent with who I want to be. (However it has given me more self esteem and self confidence than years of therapy ever could have.) Up until now, when we had arguments and she threatened divorce, I would argue that I am not interested in it and wanted to work things out. A lot of this was because I knew that they were empty threats - she was lonely and needy and wanted reassurance than I wouldn't leave. If it comes up again, I might be silent but I will not argue. I am too scared at the moment to take the next step, but I'm getting closer. I have, with luck, a few decades of life left and I don't want them to be like the last few. the list you wrote down are basic needs and your wife should provide them. I didn't want to be the one talking divorce so I made my wife's life miserable like she did mine. She did mention it to strike fear in me, but she couldn't follow through. I am willing to compromise so I needed her to do the same. Spouses usually change when threatened. Otherwise they'll take the easy route. Change is hard but necessary. How much and how quick depends on how important the marriage is to them. There is no perfect spouse but they can work towards it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2018 9:01:09 GMT -5
the list you wrote down are basic needs and your wife should provide them. I didn't want to be the one talking divorce so I made my wife's life miserable like she did mine. She did mention it to strike fear in me, but she couldn't follow through. I am willing to compromise so I needed her to do the same. Spouses usually change when threatened. Otherwise they'll take the easy route. Change is hard but necessary. How much and how quick depends on how important the marriage is to them. There is no perfect spouse but they can work towards it. If you need to threaten your spouse to get basic needs, isn't that the time to call time of death?
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Post by shamwow on Apr 23, 2018 9:22:32 GMT -5
As I was taking a walk today, this popped into my mind: - I will not spend the rest of my life sexless.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without touch.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without intimacy.
- I will not spend the rest of my life living with someone who disrespects me.
- I will not spend the rest of my life being gaslighted.
- I will not spend the rest of my life without being appreciated.
I still don't have a plan, but I just cannot see staying anymore.
Could there be some value in re-framing this Brother @shynjdude ? I will spend the rest of my life expressing myself sexually I will spend the rest of my life with touch. I will spend the rest of my life with intimacy. I will spend the rest of my life engaging with people who respect me. I will spend the rest of my life engaging with people who are honest with me. I will spend the rest of my life engaging with people who appreciate me This alternate is from the perspective of what you will do, rather than what you won't. I liked your list, I've just moved the viewing point a little bit. Might help, might not. In addition this becomes the foundation of a plan. By their very nature plans are proactive "I will do x y z" rather than "I won't do a b c". Turning around the wording of the phrase changes it from a manifesto to a plan of action. What the action is depends on you.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 23, 2018 11:17:34 GMT -5
the list you wrote down are basic needs and your wife should provide them. I didn't want to be the one talking divorce so I made my wife's life miserable like she did mine. She did mention it to strike fear in me, but she couldn't follow through. I am willing to compromise so I needed her to do the same. Spouses usually change when threatened. Otherwise they'll take the easy route. Change is hard but necessary. How much and how quick depends on how important the marriage is to them. There is no perfect spouse but they can work towards it. If you need to threaten your spouse to get basic needs, isn't that the time to call time of death? I've read that sex is 15% of marriage. The other 85% is really important too. There are no perfect spouses. I want the 85% and I threatened for the other 15%. That was my situation and my best option. Don't throw all away just for the 15%. And it isn't really a threat. I told her we have four years for our son to go through high school. Then let's evaluate our marriage. She summarized it and said... then you are giving me a four year contract? She also said if I outsource, it's over. We just laughed. My job is not guaranteed to be around either.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 23, 2018 11:32:33 GMT -5
I've read that sex is 15% of marriage. The other 85% is really important too. There are no perfect spouses. I want the 85% and I threatened for the other 15%. That was my situation and my best option. Don't throw all away just for the 15%. Perhaps sex itself is 15% but a complete lack of both sex and intimacy (in my case anyway) adds up to SO much more. I think this is correlated to the recent thread about What a good marriage looks like: r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?share_fid=1424778&share_tid=4376&url=http%3A%2F%2Filiasm%2Eorg%2Fthread%2F4376&share_type=tAppreciation, respect, desire, passion are all part of that other 85%. With those subtracted from the total on top of the 15%, there’s not too much left to “throw away”.
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Manifesto
Apr 23, 2018 12:08:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Apr 23, 2018 12:08:27 GMT -5
If you need to threaten your spouse to get basic needs, isn't that the time to call time of death? I've read that sex is 15% of marriage. The other 85% is really important too. There are no perfect spouses. I want the 85% and I threatened for the other 15%. That was my situation and my best option. Don't throw all away just for the 15%. And it isn't really a threat. I told her we have four years for our son to go through high school. Then let's evaluate our marriage. She summarized it and said... then you are giving me a four year contract? She also said if I outsource, it's over. We just laughed. My job is not guaranteed to be around either. Could you articulate some of the parts of the 85 percent?
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