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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 20, 2018 23:41:53 GMT -5
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 21, 2018 11:57:28 GMT -5
Good article. I really liked the way she wove it. Since getting sober, I’ve learned better to distinguish certain reactions, vs responses, and getting better at listening to my intuition. It’s a hard trip to make, back to my true self who I buried long ago, but I really believe it is worth every difficult step.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 21, 2018 15:53:40 GMT -5
I have been in a relationship for a little more than a month. So far, it’s been great. We have regular sex, which is something new for me. When I got sick with a bad cold and fever, she came over and took care of me, getting the cold herself. She doesn’t want much and says she is very happy with me. She knows that I am newly widowed and lets me mourn my wife when I need to. She’s not putting any pressure on me to move in with her or get married.
So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows?
I have to tell myself that it would be stupid of me to give up what I have. I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 16:23:28 GMT -5
“So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows?”
While it sounds like she may be a good match for you, the relationship has come very soon after your dysfunctional marriage ended with your wife’s death. You haven’t had much time to heal from the marriage, ease your feelings over your wife’s death, and to rediscover yourself as a person who is independent of being coupled with another. Having doubts makes sense. Maybe you need to slow down.
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 21, 2018 17:01:47 GMT -5
I have been in a relationship for a little more than a month. So far, it’s been great. We have regular sex, which is something new for me. When I got sick with a bad cold and fever, she came over and took care of me, getting the cold herself. She doesn’t want much and says she is very happy with me. She knows that I am newly widowed and lets me mourn my wife when I need to. She’s not putting any pressure on me to move in with her or get married. So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows? I have to tell myself that it would be stupid of me to give up what I have. I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee. I think you should give it some time. Why hurry? Maybe if you let her be happy with you for a while, she will have a chance to see your "warts". And you hers. Just breath for a while.
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Post by h on Apr 21, 2018 17:31:32 GMT -5
I have been in a relationship for a little more than a month. So far, it’s been great. We have regular sex, which is something new for me. When I got sick with a bad cold and fever, she came over and took care of me, getting the cold herself. She doesn’t want much and says she is very happy with me. She knows that I am newly widowed and lets me mourn my wife when I need to. She’s not putting any pressure on me to move in with her or get married. So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows? I have to tell myself that it would be stupid of me to give up what I have. I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee. Maybe it seems strange or unnatural to you because so many years of SM have rewired your brain to a new "normal" and it seems off because it's a healthy relationship. (Not sure if I'm anywhere close to the mark and just throwing ideas out there.)
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 17:43:27 GMT -5
I have been in a relationship for a little more than a month. So far, it’s been great. We have regular sex, which is something new for me. When I got sick with a bad cold and fever, she came over and took care of me, getting the cold herself. She doesn’t want much and says she is very happy with me. She knows that I am newly widowed and lets me mourn my wife when I need to. She’s not putting any pressure on me to move in with her or get married. So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows? I have to tell myself that it would be stupid of me to give up what I have. I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee. One month is the very beginning stages of a relationship hardly enough time to call it a relationship. You are still just getting acquainted. It would be a red flag if marriage or a live in were already being considered.
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Post by baza on Apr 21, 2018 19:43:32 GMT -5
This issue *is this going anywhere ?* is a way better problem to have than *being in an ILIASM shithole*
That seems to be the case generally post ILIASM shithole - you tend to attract *better* (and resolvable) problems - having got rid of the big intractable problem.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2018 19:40:22 GMT -5
I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee. I haven't heard this song in about 30 years. (Thanks for reminding me, I'm listening to the entire Rhymin' Simon album now.) These lyrics mean a lot more to me now than it did the last time I heard them: Some people never say the words
I love you
It's not their style
To be so bold
Some people never say those words
I love you
But like a child they're longing
To be told
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Post by obobfla on Apr 22, 2018 22:18:58 GMT -5
Appreciate all the comments.
I was with my ladyfriend last night. She said she was broken and that I was in a relationship with “crazy ol me!”
I told her with a straight face that she was the sanest woman I had been in a relationship with. She didn’t believe me, but then I told her of my late wife’s schizo-affective disorder, the bipolar girls I dated, and the various co-dependents I had known. We had a good talk about past relationships. She was in a marriage that was emotionally abusive, so she is reticent about making any long term commitments or saying “I love you” to any man. She hasn’t said it to me, but I told her that her actions say it. We’re both happy with where we are right now.
But I owe myself a weekend retreat somewhere - away from her, my son, and everyone else. Since I’m a recovering alcoholic, I am due for a fourth step repeat. For those unfamilair with 12-step programs, a fourth step is where you take a long look at yourself, doing a “fearless moral inventory” and identifying your resentments and faults. The greatest dangers to us addicts and alcoholics are the parts of our lives that can lead us to bouts of self-pity. We also have to stop repeating patterns in our relationships as well.
I spent 17 years taking care of someone who was more like a daughter than my wife. I don’t need to repeat that. Fortunately, my ladyfriend is a lot more self-sufficient that my wife and much more strong emotionally. But I told her I will need to take some time to think about where I’ve been and where I want to go. I don’t know know where or when I will take this weekend, but hopefully soon.
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Post by baza on Apr 22, 2018 22:43:53 GMT -5
Yeah, that step 4 is a real doozie isn't it.
All the steps have their challenges, but #4 particularly.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 22, 2018 23:30:47 GMT -5
It is great news, obobfla, that you found a lady friend & that you are happy spending time with her. And really great that you’ve gotten to reintroduce enjoying sex, too! Do take the retreat. Grieving with your son is one thing, but getting AWAY, on your own or in a group silent retreat, or specifically a recovery retreat, would be a boon to your healing. Self-reflection definitely requires some space away from day-to-day routines, at least: for me to do it right, it does. Nicely uplifting news, this. Take your own pace.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 23, 2018 7:22:01 GMT -5
Obobfla, How'd you meet your new partner? Hearing how you got together would give some hope to those who fear that they will be forever partnerless if they leave their SM. This especially is true of people in longterm marriages who haven't dated in years.
What does your new partner think is crazy about herself?
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Post by obobfla on Apr 23, 2018 16:57:56 GMT -5
Obobfla, How'd you meet your new partner? Hearing how you got together would give some hope to those who fear that they will be forever partnerless if they leave their SM. This especially is true of people in longterm marriages who haven't dated in years. What does your new partner think is crazy about herself? I met her on OK Cupid. The site gives more details than others, so I find it easier to find someone more compatible with me. I tried other sites, but there were a few train wrecks there. My partner had meningitis years ago and has a short term memory issue. However, her memory is not as bad as my late wife’s. My wife could never find where she parked her car. As to my partner, she was married to a man who constantly put her down. Even years after her divorce, she has trouble shaking that or really telling someone how much she loves them. On the surface, she has a great self image. But she is still susceptible to depression and finds it hard to believe that things are going well. In a way, that is fine by me, as I am feeling the same. As we get closer, we may have issues arise. But right now, we are right where we want to be.
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