Wife filing and about to tell the kids. Scared but resolute
Apr 11, 2018 14:27:57 GMT -5
GeekGoddess likes this
Post by james on Apr 11, 2018 14:27:57 GMT -5
Hi all, a further update from me. Sorry it's a long post but most of it is in an optional 'appendix'. I'll try to keep the main bit short. For those who would like background, my previous threads are here:
iliasm.org/thread/3827/threatening-leave-form-coercion
iliasm.org/thread/4115/progressing-more-rapidly-anticipated
iliasm.org/thread/4329/coercion-work-necessarily-bad-thing
My wife has now filed on the grounds of my 'unreasonable behaviour'. I got a solicitor's letter earlier this week.
My wife is not happy because she has found out that I have ‘kept things from her’. Below, I've listed the things I've done that I have kept from her. Some of the things I am not that proud of, though mainly I just think that they reflect the (terminal) state our marriage has reached. Part of me would prefer not to share them because they don't reflect me in a good light, but... full disclosure. The main points are numbered below. I've shoved the detail into the appendix which readers are invited to plough through or ignore, as they prefer.
1. I made free initial consult appointments with two different lawyers last year. The second one I met I was happy with (see iliasm.org/thread/3967/amusing-lawyer-today). I told my wife about this a while back and suggested she also see a lawyer. She was shocked that I had done this, saying that my actions on this 'lacked transparency'. I should have told her I was seeing lawyers. I don't really get this.
2. She discovered that a friend of mine had been sending me naked photos of his wife - see below for a fuller account of this under 'Brian's photos'.
3. I have reached out to a couple of strangers, trying to extend my support network. Recently I met a mum on my son's rugby touchline. Her son had recently started playing for the team. She was very open in telling me that she had been divorced and how it was working out. She had a new partner. She told me she was a personal trainer. I liked her. I asked her if I could sign up for an intro session and she agreed. First one is next week. I told my wife about this- actually, she was ok with it. The person I met on a train- that didn't go ok. In fact it was a disaster and the last straw for my wife. I can't really blame her. I've written an account of it under 'Woman I met on the train', below.
Anyway, now my wife has filed, over my 'unreasonable behaviour'. She didn't lose any time. I think she pretty much called up a lawyer, went to see him, got him to do the filing letter there and then. I'm not sure she's done baza 's due diligence on the divorce thing.
That ‘unreasonable behaviour’ is a funny one, isn’t it? When I look at my behaviour as outlined above, yes, it is ‘not normal’. It is unreasonable that I would do these things without telling my wife. It definitely lacks transparency that I would carry on meeting a woman whom I met on a train.
It makes me think of Andy Dufresne holding his little rock hammer in my avatar picture (Spoiler alert for those who haven't seen Shawshank Redemption (there can't be many)). He was convicted of murder in a properly constituted court and rightly sentenced to a long prison term. OK he was innocent but the jury didn't know that. Instead of accepting his fate as he should have, he did things which ‘lacked transparency’, ‘keeping things from’ his jailors which he should properly have shared with them- the fact that he was digging a tunnel in order to try to escape, for example. His behaviour was ‘unreasonable’, and he should have been more open with people.
Yeah, that’s how unreasonable my behaviour feels.
Anyway, back to the divorce. This Saturday, we are telling the kids. I was reluctant, because I am terrified of this step, but my wife insisted and she is right. I think the kids probably have an inkling that things aren't right, probably more than an inkling actually but I don't know for sure, that's what I'm terrified about. If they are blindsided by it and freak out, I will find that really, reaally hard. It's protecting the kids that has kept me from this step but- here we are. I've been reading 'Parenting through Divorce' by Lisa Rene Reynolds and it's helping me a lot. I also read the whole of shamwow 's T-minus thread pretty much in one sitting, and that was amazing.
It's hard to have perspective when I am so mired in this. I'd love to hear any comments. Thanks for reading, venting this stuff helps.
Appendix
Brian's photos
I have a good mate called Brian, we go back a long way. We both have a bit of a kink and are, possibly unusually for men, never happier than when chatting about them. A few years back, but well into my SM, he started sending me, unsolicited, naked, posed pictures of his wife. My initial reaction was one of mild shock, though not total surprise, knowing Brian. My first question to him was whether or not his wife knew that he was doing this, and whether she had given her consent. He assured me that she did and that she had,. They’re just naked photos, nothing is happening in them. Pretty tame, actually, and also quite tasteful. I liked looking at them. I have never told Brian about my SM though I have the odd fantasy about –ahem- ‘borrowing’ his wife, who is quite a looker. I didn't at any point find it necessary or desirable to tell my wife about the photos that Brian was sending.
One thing about my wife- if I ever pass her my phone to look at a text or whatever, she will always take the opportunity to see what other information she can gather. I really should be wise to this by now. She found a suspicious message from Brian and challenged me about the photos he’d been sending. I fessed up. She was outraged. "This is not normal behaviour for a married man. You shouldn’t have looked at them. You shouldn’t have assumed that Brian’s wife had consented." And so on.
Woman I met on the train
A few weeks back I took a train to go to a concert in London. Heavy snow started falling as I was setting off. Most sane people were following advice and not travelling unless essential, but there was no way I was going to stop – I’d been looking forward to the concert for months. And it was great, too, I’m glad I went. I got the earliest train back the following day, 6.30 am departure. There was just one other person in the carriage, a young woman. We got chatting. She had travelled for an art exhibition and had similar views to mine about bailing out. It was nice to have her company. A journey which would normally take an hour or so ended up taking 6 ½ because the weather had trashed the rail network. Aside from 45 mins on a telecon (annoyingly), we talked to each other for the entire journey.
I asked if we could meet up again and she (Emily, not real name) said ok. Although I was attracted to her I had no intention of trying to start an affair, for all the reasons I’ve given previously. But I wasn’t going to tell my wife I’d met her. My wife has been asking me for years about whether or not I’m having an affair. She often quizzes me aggressively about this. I didn’t want her quizzing me about this woman. Maybe that’s wrong, but I just didn’t, so I didn’t tell her.
When she asked me what I was doing that day, I made up that I had a meeting. That was awkward later on.
Sure, I had fantasies about Emily, she was lovely-looking and she actually seemed interested in me. But that didn’t turn our meetings into an affair (in my view), since I didn't share any feelings for her that I might or might not have. We just chatted about stuff and found we had a few things in common. I asked if we could meet up again and she said ok. The first time we met after the train journey, we just carried on from before, sharing more stuff. I did tell her that I was having marital difficulties and I told her about the SM. She was sympathetic. She told me that she had had some relationship difficulties, and wasn't in one at the time. We agreed to meet again. I really liked her.
The next time it felt different. She seemed ill at ease. I felt awkward. We were meeting in a tucked away café in town, the sort of place that my wife wouldn’t go to at that time, but still, I had an uneasy and unpleasant feeling that we would be discovered. At one point, as we sat there together, I even thought I saw my wife out of the corner of my eye. I was gripped by a horrible fear and had to force myself to turn slightly to look. Imagine my inexpressible relief, dear reader, when I saw that it wasn’t her. I went to the bar to get us both a coffee. As I was waiting to be served, my wife walked in. I thought she hadn’t seen me so I attempted to get back to my table but of course she had seen me and confronted us. I wondered afterwards if she was checking out my location on Find Friends but she says that she just wandered in to use the cafe toilets and I believe her. Anyway, this completely freaked out poor Emily who had assumed that I would be sharing the fact of our meetings with my wife. She asked me not to contact her again. And my wife went to see a lawyer, I think that same afternoon.
iliasm.org/thread/3827/threatening-leave-form-coercion
iliasm.org/thread/4115/progressing-more-rapidly-anticipated
iliasm.org/thread/4329/coercion-work-necessarily-bad-thing
My wife has now filed on the grounds of my 'unreasonable behaviour'. I got a solicitor's letter earlier this week.
My wife is not happy because she has found out that I have ‘kept things from her’. Below, I've listed the things I've done that I have kept from her. Some of the things I am not that proud of, though mainly I just think that they reflect the (terminal) state our marriage has reached. Part of me would prefer not to share them because they don't reflect me in a good light, but... full disclosure. The main points are numbered below. I've shoved the detail into the appendix which readers are invited to plough through or ignore, as they prefer.
1. I made free initial consult appointments with two different lawyers last year. The second one I met I was happy with (see iliasm.org/thread/3967/amusing-lawyer-today). I told my wife about this a while back and suggested she also see a lawyer. She was shocked that I had done this, saying that my actions on this 'lacked transparency'. I should have told her I was seeing lawyers. I don't really get this.
2. She discovered that a friend of mine had been sending me naked photos of his wife - see below for a fuller account of this under 'Brian's photos'.
3. I have reached out to a couple of strangers, trying to extend my support network. Recently I met a mum on my son's rugby touchline. Her son had recently started playing for the team. She was very open in telling me that she had been divorced and how it was working out. She had a new partner. She told me she was a personal trainer. I liked her. I asked her if I could sign up for an intro session and she agreed. First one is next week. I told my wife about this- actually, she was ok with it. The person I met on a train- that didn't go ok. In fact it was a disaster and the last straw for my wife. I can't really blame her. I've written an account of it under 'Woman I met on the train', below.
Anyway, now my wife has filed, over my 'unreasonable behaviour'. She didn't lose any time. I think she pretty much called up a lawyer, went to see him, got him to do the filing letter there and then. I'm not sure she's done baza 's due diligence on the divorce thing.
That ‘unreasonable behaviour’ is a funny one, isn’t it? When I look at my behaviour as outlined above, yes, it is ‘not normal’. It is unreasonable that I would do these things without telling my wife. It definitely lacks transparency that I would carry on meeting a woman whom I met on a train.
It makes me think of Andy Dufresne holding his little rock hammer in my avatar picture (Spoiler alert for those who haven't seen Shawshank Redemption (there can't be many)). He was convicted of murder in a properly constituted court and rightly sentenced to a long prison term. OK he was innocent but the jury didn't know that. Instead of accepting his fate as he should have, he did things which ‘lacked transparency’, ‘keeping things from’ his jailors which he should properly have shared with them- the fact that he was digging a tunnel in order to try to escape, for example. His behaviour was ‘unreasonable’, and he should have been more open with people.
Yeah, that’s how unreasonable my behaviour feels.
Anyway, back to the divorce. This Saturday, we are telling the kids. I was reluctant, because I am terrified of this step, but my wife insisted and she is right. I think the kids probably have an inkling that things aren't right, probably more than an inkling actually but I don't know for sure, that's what I'm terrified about. If they are blindsided by it and freak out, I will find that really, reaally hard. It's protecting the kids that has kept me from this step but- here we are. I've been reading 'Parenting through Divorce' by Lisa Rene Reynolds and it's helping me a lot. I also read the whole of shamwow 's T-minus thread pretty much in one sitting, and that was amazing.
It's hard to have perspective when I am so mired in this. I'd love to hear any comments. Thanks for reading, venting this stuff helps.
Appendix
Brian's photos
I have a good mate called Brian, we go back a long way. We both have a bit of a kink and are, possibly unusually for men, never happier than when chatting about them. A few years back, but well into my SM, he started sending me, unsolicited, naked, posed pictures of his wife. My initial reaction was one of mild shock, though not total surprise, knowing Brian. My first question to him was whether or not his wife knew that he was doing this, and whether she had given her consent. He assured me that she did and that she had,. They’re just naked photos, nothing is happening in them. Pretty tame, actually, and also quite tasteful. I liked looking at them. I have never told Brian about my SM though I have the odd fantasy about –ahem- ‘borrowing’ his wife, who is quite a looker. I didn't at any point find it necessary or desirable to tell my wife about the photos that Brian was sending.
One thing about my wife- if I ever pass her my phone to look at a text or whatever, she will always take the opportunity to see what other information she can gather. I really should be wise to this by now. She found a suspicious message from Brian and challenged me about the photos he’d been sending. I fessed up. She was outraged. "This is not normal behaviour for a married man. You shouldn’t have looked at them. You shouldn’t have assumed that Brian’s wife had consented." And so on.
Woman I met on the train
A few weeks back I took a train to go to a concert in London. Heavy snow started falling as I was setting off. Most sane people were following advice and not travelling unless essential, but there was no way I was going to stop – I’d been looking forward to the concert for months. And it was great, too, I’m glad I went. I got the earliest train back the following day, 6.30 am departure. There was just one other person in the carriage, a young woman. We got chatting. She had travelled for an art exhibition and had similar views to mine about bailing out. It was nice to have her company. A journey which would normally take an hour or so ended up taking 6 ½ because the weather had trashed the rail network. Aside from 45 mins on a telecon (annoyingly), we talked to each other for the entire journey.
I asked if we could meet up again and she (Emily, not real name) said ok. Although I was attracted to her I had no intention of trying to start an affair, for all the reasons I’ve given previously. But I wasn’t going to tell my wife I’d met her. My wife has been asking me for years about whether or not I’m having an affair. She often quizzes me aggressively about this. I didn’t want her quizzing me about this woman. Maybe that’s wrong, but I just didn’t, so I didn’t tell her.
When she asked me what I was doing that day, I made up that I had a meeting. That was awkward later on.
Sure, I had fantasies about Emily, she was lovely-looking and she actually seemed interested in me. But that didn’t turn our meetings into an affair (in my view), since I didn't share any feelings for her that I might or might not have. We just chatted about stuff and found we had a few things in common. I asked if we could meet up again and she said ok. The first time we met after the train journey, we just carried on from before, sharing more stuff. I did tell her that I was having marital difficulties and I told her about the SM. She was sympathetic. She told me that she had had some relationship difficulties, and wasn't in one at the time. We agreed to meet again. I really liked her.
The next time it felt different. She seemed ill at ease. I felt awkward. We were meeting in a tucked away café in town, the sort of place that my wife wouldn’t go to at that time, but still, I had an uneasy and unpleasant feeling that we would be discovered. At one point, as we sat there together, I even thought I saw my wife out of the corner of my eye. I was gripped by a horrible fear and had to force myself to turn slightly to look. Imagine my inexpressible relief, dear reader, when I saw that it wasn’t her. I went to the bar to get us both a coffee. As I was waiting to be served, my wife walked in. I thought she hadn’t seen me so I attempted to get back to my table but of course she had seen me and confronted us. I wondered afterwards if she was checking out my location on Find Friends but she says that she just wandered in to use the cafe toilets and I believe her. Anyway, this completely freaked out poor Emily who had assumed that I would be sharing the fact of our meetings with my wife. She asked me not to contact her again. And my wife went to see a lawyer, I think that same afternoon.