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Post by ironhamster on Sept 25, 2018 19:45:39 GMT -5
Time to heal up from a C-section or other birth trauma, check. That is a pretty valid reason, for maybe eight weeks or so.
Exhaustion from tending to a newborn or other young ones might be real, but I can be pretty tired and still have a sex drive.
Beyond that, excuses, excuses. But, the kids will hear. Ok, let's go out to the van. That's not comfortable. How about a motel room. It's illegal unless someone is here to watch the kids. So we have friends take the kids on a date night swap, and we have a good meal and conversation and that's it time to pick the kids up... The excuses do not end when they are more motivated to not have sex, whether they admit it or not.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 25, 2018 19:51:29 GMT -5
DTR has not been on for awhile but this is still a good conversation to have. I know when I was nursing I had no libido. But I would have still enjoyed a nice slow fucking if he initiated. My body felt so used up I just could not generate much desire. But of course he never initiated so I don't know...
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Post by saarinista on Sept 26, 2018 13:56:23 GMT -5
IF I recall she'd mentioned in AK AK=Alaska?
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Post by javba on Sept 26, 2018 14:28:45 GMT -5
IF I recall she'd mentioned in AK AK=Alaska? That's what I got out of that - OTOH, she's been curiously missing from here
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Post by saarinista on Sept 27, 2018 16:30:56 GMT -5
Time to heal up from a C-section or other birth trauma, check. That is a pretty valid reason, for maybe eight weeks or so. Exhaustion from tending to a newborn or other young ones might be real, but I can be pretty tired and still have a sex drive. Beyond that, excuses, excuses. But, the kids will hear. Ok, let's go out to the van. That's not comfortable. How about a motel room. It's illegal unless someone is here to watch the kids. So we have friends take the kids on a date night swap, and we have a good meal and conversation and that's it time to pick the kids up... The excuses do not end when they are more motivated to not have sex, whether they admit it or not. what if you only have a car and not a van? hahaš okay, not a funny joke. I hope dtr is okay.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 27, 2018 17:56:52 GMT -5
Time to heal up from a C-section or other birth trauma, check. That is a pretty valid reason, for maybe eight weeks or so. Exhaustion from tending to a newborn or other young ones might be real, but I can be pretty tired and still have a sex drive. Beyond that, excuses, excuses. But, the kids will hear. Ok, let's go out to the van. That's not comfortable. How about a motel room. It's illegal unless someone is here to watch the kids. So we have friends take the kids on a date night swap, and we have a good meal and conversation and that's it time to pick the kids up... The excuses do not end when they are more motivated to not have sex, whether they admit it or not. what if you only have a car and not a van? hahaš okay, not a funny joke. I hope dtr is okay.Ā Well, at the time we had a van, and plenty of room for comfort. Now that I have moved out, I have only a car, and I can assure you that car sex can be quite amazing with a great partner.
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 12, 2018 1:03:45 GMT -5
I'm in the USA. AK does mean Alaska.
When I first decided to stay for the sake of the kids, it wasn't as bad as it is now. Not even a little bit. I naively thought it couldn't any worse. Oh how wrong I was. I admit I was incredibly naive in that. I haven't been on lately as my children have been going through some really tough times lately.
as for being autonomous, I have become quite a bit more independent than when i got married. I didn't realize how much my husband had cut me off from people and how dependent on me him he had made me. My grandma is completely shocked at how much more independent I am now.
So while I'm not where I should be, I have made progress.
Right now, i"ve had issues with some of mykids and its thrown me for a loop,.
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2018 1:23:38 GMT -5
Like some of the other Sisters in this group, it seems that, to all intents and purposes, you are a single mother - but without any of the benefits....still legally tied in to the oxygen thief husband. He doesn't seem to "value add" to your life in any way...not that you've mentioned at least.
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 12, 2018 1:31:34 GMT -5
the main benefits he gives me are rides to the grocery store, getting meds when I need them or the kids need them, and sometimes emergency items from the grocery store.
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2018 1:48:20 GMT -5
Given the list of his other bullshit behaviours over the years you have detailed Sister darktippedrose , "rides to the grocery store, getting meds when I need them or the kids need them, and sometimes emergency items from the grocery store" doesn't read like much of a trade off.
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 12, 2018 14:39:40 GMT -5
darktippedrose Mh heart breaks for you. Thatās a terrible place to be in, and sounds familiar to me. I was caught in the same mindset as you. I was desperate clinging to the āgood thingsā my spouse did for my family. And my oldest is special needs also (adhd plus a smorgasbord is sensory processing disorders). I truly and genuinely thought I should be grateful for what I had. It was only when I started to pay attention to my own needs, realized I was connecting with so many women emotionally (effortlessly and joyfully), and that people at work did not treat me the same as my āpartner ā at home did. That contrast became real evident. What I hear in your story is that probably subconsciously your spouse is telling you (and you have conditioned yourself into reinforcing) that what he is doing is enough. Itās insidious. Itās low grade emotional abuse. I put up with it for the better part of a decade. Plain and simple abuse. Itās hard to see that or believe it when you first become aware of it. Iād encourage you to start reading on narcissism, self worth, giving reciprocal in relationships, and ask yourself what you want. Bottom line: do you want to live with a spouse who never touches you? Doesnāt sound like you do. And if thatās the case, donāt talk yourself into being miserable. Life is short. Also, separate your kids from your family in your head. I love my kids and they are my family. I am letting go of my spouse. She is no longer a part of my family. And looking honestly , I realize she was never going to be the part of our family that she claimed. Oh also: 1. Does he say I love you, 2. Will he change for you, 3. Do his words and actions meet up (most important)? If no, Iād recommend leaving. The last time I talked to my grandma she told me, that since he didn't molest the kids, he couldn't be that bad. He didn't leave me while I had 3 kids with autism. So she doesn't feel too bad about how he treats me. And that is that. she doesn't see him as the sociopath he is. And now my step-daughter got mad at me because I told my daughter that I wanted her to have a good husband. Not like her dad. My step-daughter doesn't see him as doing anything bad.
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jetcity
Junior Member
Searching for an answer
Posts: 62
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by jetcity on Oct 13, 2018 0:54:42 GMT -5
DTR, i know it sounds horrible to say it, but you are going to be in this shitty situation as long as YOU allow it. REMEMBER, you live in America,there are resources and people out there to help you. You do not have to tolerate an abusive , cheating shit bag husband. Get proof of what heās doing and then divorce him. He will have to continue to support you and the kids (alimony & child support ). I understand your situation is particularly hard with you having artistic children and being a Muslim with all that entails, But the length of your journey through hell really is up to you.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 13, 2018 1:05:05 GMT -5
It will be difficult to leave this marriage, but i see no indication that it will get any better from what youve written, dtr. and it's probably killing your soul.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2018 9:10:18 GMT -5
ā The last time I talked to my grandma she told me, that since he didn't molest the kids, he couldn't be that bad. He didn't leave me while I had 3 kids with autism. So she doesn't feel too bad about how he treats me. And that is that. she doesn't see him as the sociopath he is. And now my step-daughter got mad at me because I told my daughter that I wanted her to have a good husband. Not like her dad.
My step-daughter doesn't see him as doing anything bad. ā
Your family is very dysfunctional so you will never get their support for leaving the man they arranged for you to marry. Turning to them for help or support is a waste of your time.
A while ago, I posted for you a link to an online site with low cost therapy from licensed mental health counselors. They also had extra help to make more affordable for low income people. I no longer have that info but you probably could google and find it. There also is free help available through domestic abuse hotlines.
You are the only one who can change your life. Your husband isnāt going to become nicer. Your extended family will not become more supportive. You are in a very difficult situation that is not going to improve unless you take steps under your control to get out of it. That includes talking to a lawyer to find out your rights.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 13, 2018 11:01:43 GMT -5
I do not know what the laws of Alaska allow, but in Illinois they throw the book at the income earner. You need to visit a divorce lawyer to see how things would shake out. I bet you'd do ok and be much happier.
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