appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Mar 30, 2018 11:31:30 GMT -5
Hey, so I'm not super active on this forum and many of you may not know my story so here a brief synopsis: I've been married 5 years, have a 4 year old with hubby. My marriage has always been sexless...and our courtship was plagued with issues that I chose to look beyond.
I have discussed the issues with my husband so many times and he promises to try harder. The only improvements are that he makes sure to give me a chaste kiss goodnight and maybe a snuggle...so nothing really.
After joining this forum I started changing f my behavior, I started focusing on my happiness, going out more, learning new skills, paying more attention to how I look. I had lost all my self esteem and now it's back. I get so many compliments from men and women and me. Flirting with me it's crazy. Turns out some people do find me attractive!
I have put my marriage on the line, I let my husband know how much pain our relationship has caused and asked him to work with me to change it or else I will leave. He came up with so many excuse, blamed a lot of it on me, and finally confessed to years of depression. Now he has a dr appointment to seek treatment for that.
At the same time, I got really close to someone on this board, someone who will always be special to me. But the long distance and ambiguity of the relationship was too difficult to maintain. Now I have another man who is seeking to have an affair with me. I have admired him for a long time and was taken aback by his mutual feelings. It's all so confusing! I do not wish to cheat, though at the same time I oddly don't feel like a cheater..,morally that is. How do you cheat on someone when you're not even physically intimate with them? It makes me feel my marriage is a sham.
So now, my husband, who has been plagued with ed issues, has gotten a prescription for viagra. And now, the thought of being intimate with him is so very unappealing! I am beginning to detest those chaste kisses he gives and do not want his unskilled lovemaking! But I asked for this, I begged for this! I'm such a mess 😕
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 30, 2018 11:38:33 GMT -5
1. Viagra does not make someone have a libido. It just allows a man to get erect if he is being sexually stimulated.
2. Fucking around and flirting with others may boost your self esteem and provide you with sex but it’s a distraction from your figuring out whether you want to stay married to your husband. Should your husband or others learn about your flirts/affairs, that may lead to a sudden divorce in which you look like the bad guy including to your child.
3. Men who hit on married women typically aren’t the type of man whom you’d want for a long term committed relationship. That’s a good reason not to expect extramarital hookups to become committed relationships if you leave your husband.
4. If your marriage has always been sexless then figuring out why you chose such s partner would be more productive than trying to expect him to become s different type of person.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2018 11:49:38 GMT -5
I never felt like I was cheating because we weren't having sex. He wasn't interested in my sexuality and he didn't care to share his sexuality with me so I wasn't cheating, I had no guilt, and my sexuality was and still is NONE of his business.
My advice is focus on yourself and figure out what will make your life happy.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 30, 2018 12:00:41 GMT -5
“I never felt like I was cheating because we weren't having sex. He wasn't interested in my sexuality and he didn't care to share his sexuality with me so I wasn't cheating, I had no guilt, and my sexuality was and still is NONE of his business. “
I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting sex elsewhere if one has a spouse who won’t have sex with you.
However, in believe that it’s important to weigh the potential consequences before having an affair. Discovery could lead to a vindictive divorce, difficulty gaining child custody, estrangement from family, church and friends. Even the most careful people get caught.
So weigh the consequences...,
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Post by baza on Mar 30, 2018 17:31:02 GMT -5
I think that in the circumstances you describe Sister appleaday , the simpler you can keep things the better. And from that perspective, adding (or continuing with) an affair - on top of the problem of your primary relationship problems - is a complication you could do without. Getting your primary relationship resolved appears to be the way to go, and that will be a hard enough job all by itself. On the bright side however, it appears from what you write that there are plenty of blokes in your orbit who would be very keen to root you. So were you to get your primary relationship sorted out or ended, it doesn't look like you'd have too much trouble in finding a new person to conduct a sex life with....which makes that aspect of the situation the lower priority. You can rectify that problem at the "right time". Which would be after you've resolved/ended your primary relationship.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2018 18:18:28 GMT -5
“I never felt like I was cheating because we weren't having sex. He wasn't interested in my sexuality and he didn't care to share his sexuality with me so I wasn't cheating, I had no guilt, and my sexuality was and still is NONE of his business. “ I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting sex elsewhere if one has a spouse who won’t have sex with you. However, in believe that it’s important to weigh the potential consequences before having an affair. Discovery could lead to a vindictive divorce, difficulty gaining child custody, estrangement from family, church and friends. Even the most careful people get caught. So weigh the consequences..., The ex and I have a don't ask don't tell arrangement. We love each other and we have our family together. He has a lot of medical problems and no sexual ability. We aren't married anymore so the terms of the divorce are already spelled out and I'm still getting my child support payments every month. But you are right about the situation going nuclear if you are married and not prepared for divorce.
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Post by flounder on Mar 30, 2018 19:01:15 GMT -5
So what do you really want ? If you get a divorce what are you seeking ? Sure those men will flirt,and you may have lots of sex. Do you want sex or do you want to be wanted and needed?
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Mar 31, 2018 0:44:54 GMT -5
1. This has been on my mind an I'm sure on my husbands. I know it won't give him a libido which is why I was saying I am not really interested in lovemaking with him. He is so hesitant with anything physical, or really even emotional. There is no real touching and certainly there will never be any oral on his part. The few times we did have sex were clumsy at best.
2. My fear of getting caught is the biggest thing holding me back right now. I honestly think my husband would be more hurt than angry, but I don't want to cause him that kind of pain. I know the pain he has caused me over the years was not intentional. Having been a refuser in the past I get it, I get that he doesn't grasp the enormity of his withholding affection and intimacy. It doesn't make it easier though. And this other man is also married, and older. He is caught up in a similar situation as mine, though not so severe. To make all of this worse, we all work at the same agency. Not all together, and not even in the same buildings, but I don't want to ruin my reputation at work, or expose my husband to ridicule.
3. I am not looking for any long-term relationship post-separation from my husband (assuming we separate). I have realized I need to get my shit together and I am not emotionally in a place that can handle another real relationship. Honestly, I haven't gotten laid in 4 years and I'm at my sexual peak. Unfortunately, I realized I have allowed myself to develop feelings for this other man...and it is a complication I do not want.
4. Yes! This is so true. I have been realizing that I cannot change my husband, and he may neither truly desire to change or have the capacity to. I have also realized that I have a very long history of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable, and yet I am a highly emotional person who needs to feel that deep connection. Figuring that out is part of getting my shit together. I don't have time or money for regular counseling so I tried online, but it was terrible. You guys are so much more helpful.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Mar 31, 2018 0:53:56 GMT -5
So what do you really want ? If you get a divorce what are you seeking ? Sure those men will flirt,and you may have lots of sex. Do you want sex or do you want to be wanted and needed? Hi Flounder, These are really good questions, and I don't have all the answers yet. I used to want a man who I can love and loved me, and who shared all my passions and dreams. Someone to go through all my adventures with. I realize that is too much and too little to ask for. No one person can be everything. If I could have anything I wanted it would be for my husband to want and desire me, to be open and emotionally available to me. Everything else in our relationship I can live with. But I can't live without those things. We have respect, and caring, and when we aren't actively avoiding each other, we have some things we enjoy doing together as a couple too. So what I really want is to flirt, and have sex, but with a man who respects and loves me, who is open and honest, and who wants me, truly wants me. Abs are a bonus but not necessary
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Post by flounder on Mar 31, 2018 7:46:44 GMT -5
So what do you really want ? If you get a divorce what are you seeking ? Sure those men will flirt,and you may have lots of sex. Do you want sex or do you want to be wanted and needed? Hi Flounder, These are really good questions, and I don't have all the answers yet. I used to want a man who I can love and loved me, and who shared all my passions and dreams. Someone to go through all my adventures with. I realize that is too much and too little to ask for. No one person can be everything. If I could have anything I wanted it would be for my husband to want and desire me, to be open and emotionally available to me. Everything else in our relationship I can live with. But I can't live without those things. We have respect, and caring, and when we aren't actively avoiding each other, we have some things we enjoy doing together as a couple too. So what I really want is to flirt, and have sex, but with a man who respects and loves me, who is open and honest, and who wants me, truly wants me. Abs are a bonus but not necessary Those men that flirt with you, Do you think they will give you all of that ? They might give you mind blowing sex. There is no guarantee on the other. Honey,abs are overrated : )
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Post by csl on Mar 31, 2018 7:47:42 GMT -5
appleaday - “Having been a refuser in the past...” ??
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Post by tirefire on Mar 31, 2018 12:29:38 GMT -5
So what do you really want ? If you get a divorce what are you seeking ? Sure those men will flirt,and you may have lots of sex. Do you want sex or do you want to be wanted and needed? Hi Flounder, These are really good questions, and I don't have all the answers yet. I used to want a man who I can love and loved me, and who shared all my passions and dreams. Someone to go through all my adventures with. I realize that is too much and too little to ask for. No one person can be everything. If I could have anything I wanted it would be for my husband to want and desire me, to be open and emotionally available to me. Everything else in our relationship I can live with. But I can't live without those things. We have respect, and caring, and when we aren't actively avoiding each other, we have some things we enjoy doing together as a couple too. So what I really want is to flirt, and have sex, but with a man who respects and loves me, who is open and honest, and who wants me, truly wants me. Abs are a bonus but not necessary Abs are tough to pull off. I work on them non stop but at the end of the day, it has to do with getting a super low body fat index so the muscle isn't hidden. But I can understand if that is your thing because they do look amazing. 😎
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Post by obobfla on Mar 31, 2018 13:39:22 GMT -5
I had an affair, and it did wonders for my self esteem. But distance ruined that relationship too. Still, I have no regrets.
I can relate to how you feel about your husband. After so many years of being rejected, I built up a resentment to my wife. Had she greeted me at the door naked, begging me for sex, I would not even be slightly interested in her. I loved her, but I was no longer in love with her.
The resentment bled into other parts of my life, stressing me out on the job and affecting my son. Although I couldn’t change my wife, I could work on myself. My emphasis was to work on myself and be with my son.
My marriage ended with my wife’s death, not divorce, last December. Believe it or not, I miss her. I have since started a new relationship that is perfect for where I am at right now. My lady friend lets me cry when I need to, and we have great guilt-free sex at least once a week. I am still grieving, but I am doing ok.
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Post by nyartgal on Mar 31, 2018 20:35:25 GMT -5
It's pretty clear your husband is gay or asexual, probably some degree of the latter. In any case, it sounds like the marriage is over, since you don't seem to really love him at this point. Or whatever love you have is not romantic. So the question is, now what? Spend your sexual peak and rest of your life with a roommate? Why? You are lucky to have such a clear path here, unlike some. Unless there is something not included in your posts, this seems like a "call the lawyer" situation. Lucky!
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 1, 2018 10:16:12 GMT -5
It's pretty clear your husband is gay or asexual, probably some degree of the latter. In any case, it sounds like the marriage is over, since you don't seem to really love him at this point. Or whatever love you have is not romantic. So the question is, now what? Spend your sexual peak and rest of your life with a roommate? Why? You are lucky to have such a clear path here, unlike some. Unless there is something not included in your posts, this seems like a "call the lawyer" situation. Lucky! You could not be more right....literally. Last night we tried some exercises to help us be closer, and it worked in a way. The exercises were supposed to help lead to physical intimacy but they really did the opposite. But! My husband was more real and open then he has ever been. I asked him if he was Ace, and he knew the term, broke down, and confessed he was. He didn't think he could be for the longest time because he is attracted to women...and he thought he reluctance was do to nerves and inexperience. So now we know the truth, I've always suspected, but it's confirmed. We have to decide what to do. I think we can always be friends but he knows I need more than friendship in a marriage. It's a bit overwhelming and emotional now...not sure ehat our next steps will be
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