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Post by solodriver on Mar 9, 2018 22:10:43 GMT -5
I'm having to contemplate this again.
Of course, ideally, we would all say A DIVORCE!
But for those of us in situations where that's not ready to happen yet, what do you do on your refuser's birthday?
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 9, 2018 22:33:56 GMT -5
Gift card
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Post by baza on Mar 9, 2018 23:04:39 GMT -5
What is your aim with this Brother solodriver ? To make some sort of great statement ? To keep the peace ? If it is to keep the peace, then something that most of the sheeple do would be best...something banal and unimaginative and inoffensive would be my suggestion. Sister bballgirl suggests above would fit that rather well. Or some cash in a bland birthday card.
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Post by Dan on Mar 9, 2018 23:28:24 GMT -5
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Post by Dan on Mar 9, 2018 23:45:10 GMT -5
Does your wife love you?
If so, how about a copy of Sting's "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free" as a gift?
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Post by carl on Mar 10, 2018 0:37:13 GMT -5
Whatever you feel you want to ? I would say getting anything of any significance for a partner who doesn’t find sex with you desirable a bit demeaning. But relax, go with your gut don’t have fixed ideas or standards. Something makes me think you will get it just right.
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Post by carl on Mar 10, 2018 0:42:24 GMT -5
Having said that if you know there is something they definitely would really really like (ie you know for sure they are mad about it) I would get it if I could. Life is short. Worst thing I think is a surprise of your own thinking - could further weaken your situation.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 10, 2018 2:15:40 GMT -5
A wellness day for two. For her and a friend. You stay at home and spend the day doing something you really like. Or go out with a friend.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Mar 10, 2018 2:56:14 GMT -5
Nothing, that’s what I get mine.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 10, 2018 8:34:38 GMT -5
Aspirin ? For the headaches. Lol! I get off easy on this one because his birthday falls right around a holiday that we always throw a party on so I just make sure a Happy Birthday cake is part of the desserts. I get him a card from the kiddo and sign my name too. Done.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 10, 2018 8:46:49 GMT -5
Or a beauty treatment!
Or a workshop DIY for single women :-)
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 10, 2018 11:06:38 GMT -5
My refuser and I had the same birthday. I should have known the marriage was over when my idea of a great birthday celebration was him celebrating in Hong Kong while I hosted a party for myself at our home in the states.
Three years after starting that practice we divorced.
I enjoy celebrating our joint birthday by doing things with my post SM partner of 5 years. I've enjoyed a trip to DC, a hot air balloon ride, a horse ride, a surprise birthday party and a weekend in a romantic hotel. And always have enjoyed birthday sex.
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Post by surfergirl on Mar 10, 2018 11:42:42 GMT -5
My wake-up call came on my 40th birthday when my refuser could not say "happy birthday", let alone send a card. When I told him the following day that it hurt me, he said it would, "make me uncomfortable". If saying happy birthday makes someone uncomfortable, I realized SEX, intimacy, or anything resembling a marriage was gone.
That started a two year journey of Resets, therapy, arguing, fighting, promising, gas lighting, etc.
This week, I turned 42 and planned to refile my divorce petition, but instead, ended up firing my lawyer for scalping me. (I checked the invoices and she was ripping me off.) I wanted the poetic justice, but instead, I did what I needed to do. So I'll refile, I just won't get the punctuation mark or poetic part.
You guys. Listen. Life is short.
The reason I freaked out at 40 is because my older sister died of cancer at that age. I had such an emotional time "passing" her in age and I realized that this is it. We are on borrowed time. It is too short to be BEGGING for affection. At some point, we have to realize and value ourselves enough to stand up and say that being ignored, dismissed, and blamed (or whatever technique your refuser uses) is not okay. I want to move on to someone who WANTS me.
I am smart, beautiful, confident, successful. [And humble...haha.] There is a guy out there that will see it and have the guts to say "happy birthday" on my birthday without calling me demanding. He might, actually, ENJOY taking care of me. Ahhhh, the thought of that..... [bliss]
When we are so used to being abused, it's almost like we get USED to it. It's conditioning. It is hard to break out of. That's why we are all here on this forum. We've been brainwashed/conditioned to accept this behavior as normal. It's a literal RE-WIRING that we have to do consciously to break free. It's not easy work.
Good luck to us all.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 10, 2018 19:16:52 GMT -5
A divorce petition will make a great birthday present to yourself, surfergirl. Mine just came, a bit late for my birthday. The person serving the papers never had anyone want to take a selfie with her to commemorate the moment.
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Post by flounder on Mar 10, 2018 19:24:46 GMT -5
“When we are so used to being abused, it's almost like we get USED to it. It's conditioning. It is hard to break out of. That's why we are all here on this forum. We've been brainwashed/conditioned to accept this behavior as normal. It's a literal RE-WIRING that we have to do consciously to break free. It's not easy work.” -Surfergirl
This.
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