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Post by rejected101 on Jan 25, 2018 18:22:01 GMT -5
“The rest of the session we talked about Max, since he usually comes with us.” How about leaving Max with a sitter so during the session you can both focus on your marriage. I think it’s meaningful that sex stopped with Max and now Max is becoming the center of your marriage counseling. No matter how well behaved Max is, in your counseling sessions, he is an easy focus to keep you from talking about your sm. He isn’t just an easy focus to stop the talking, he is the ‘perfect excuse’ my wife would use not to in the same scenario. Literally the perfect excuse. She would change the subject to Thomas the tank engine or something.
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2018 18:31:39 GMT -5
“Ugh....as if anyone gives a fuck about my image. What a prick I am.” Another example of how you put yourself down.... On the subject of your affair partner: when you reached out to him were you also imagining he and you eventually would become romantically involved and that would be your gateway to divorce? Keep in mind that you were a married woman. Guys looking for a public girlfriend or eventual wife aren’t likely to view a married woman affair partner that way. They could view her as a way to have no strings easy sex, but for a relationship that’s deeper, they likely would want an unattached woman who hasn’t demonstrated a willingness to lie and cheat on a man she has vowed to have and to hold. You will greatly raise your odds of attracting a long term relationship if you spend time in individual therapy figuring out how you chose to get in and stay in an unsatisfactory marriage. Divorce also would raise your odds of attracting a man who wants more than lays to tide him over until he finds a woman he wants a romantic relationship with. At the risk of laying the boots into you whilst you are on the ground Sister surfergirl, and going back to this other bloke, I seem to recall that you said something along the lines of having *selected* him on a basis that he was a high profile pillar of the community and well respected locally. Personally (and this is only a personal opinion worth jack shit) I find it hard to think of a WORST candidate to conduct a clandestine rooting arrangement with. The last thing you want in a cheating environment is a high profile pillar of the community accomplice. Anyway, that's history now presumably, but there might be something to learn out of it in regard to the selection criteria.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 25, 2018 18:37:44 GMT -5
northstarmom Yes. Bluntly. I arrogantly assumed I was the exception. Thank you. I've been through three therapists over two years (sometimes overlapping) to EMDR my stuff and/or get to the bottom. All my therapists enjoy the entertainment, it seems, though, they use more clinical words and keep me past my appointment times. It was religion mostly. I didn't think I was "allowed" to divorce.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 25, 2018 18:45:41 GMT -5
bazaHe is single/divorced for 5-6 years so it didn't seem scandalous to me. He knew my divorce papers were already filed. But he is my age and now dating a single 23-year-old. I need therapy not to know why I stayed in my marriage (because truly, I don't know a woman alive who would leave my set-up), but to understand why I'd take him back tonight if he offered.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 25, 2018 18:55:56 GMT -5
I've never "rooted" (as baza would say) another guy in my entire 41 years, so I have to push back on this. I wore a white dress to my wedding and it was legit. I get your point, in general, though. Perhaps I'll look into why I keep thinking I'm the exception. My position sounds arrogant, and I'd agree.
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Post by ihadalove on Jan 25, 2018 18:58:04 GMT -5
I need therapy not to know why I stayed in my marriage (because truly, I don't know a woman alive who would leave my set-up), but to understand why I'd take him back tonight if he offered. It's probably because you had hot sex together, and you liked the feeling of being wanted sexually. All the chemicals that come along with that make you feel great, but probably don't work well towards good decision making. What you may need to realize is it's not him you want, it's what he brought to the table that you were missing. As for his actions with this, maybe he just wants to sleep around, or maybe there is a strong emotional component with the other woman.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2018 19:01:34 GMT -5
You don’t know a woman alive who would leave this?
“aggressively pursued him for sex daily (sometimes several times a day) for a few years. This was bad on me -- it was too aggressive, too much, and I didn't "get" the message to back off -- because I had this script in my head that, "All men like sex." I didn't know his performance was uncommon (like 80-90% failure rate) because I didn't have anything to compare it to.
He was masturbating to porn every night for years. He agreed to quit so that maybe it could "work" with me. I think he really struggled with his addiction and had a few relapses, but he did finally kick it.
Instead of our sex life improving, we remained in the same holding pattern: I throw a fit, he caves in and lets me give him a blow job, and then we go sexless for another 6-8 weeks with promises to take care of me in between, but never materializing. Sometimes the dry spells lasted 6-7 months after I had a baby.”
All women aren’t ruled by money. I know that you have a lot of money, but your life doesn’t sound great to me. I’ve been in a sm and I know how miserable it can be. But as bad as mine was, I never saw any evidence that my husband was jacking off to porn nightly while ignoring me.
The only time your husband decides to lavish attention is when you threaten to leave. That means he’s capable of being more involved with you but just doesn’t bother most of the time.
Is the money the reason you think most women would stay in your situation?
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2018 19:09:11 GMT -5
“I’ve never "rooted" (as baza would say) another guy in my entire 41 years, so I have to push back on this. I wore a white dress to my wedding and it was legit.”
But by secretly cheating on your husband, your lover may have assumed you are a practiced liar who had cheated before. Were you and your husband living separately or did you file but still live with him? Am I right that you could not be seen publicly dating your lover?
Were you expecting that your lover would become your next husband?
How did you select the man you had sex with? I know you were acquainted with him and had been for years. How did you approach him about having an affair?
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2018 19:21:09 GMT -5
baza He is single/divorced for 5-6 years so it didn't seem scandalous to me. He knew my divorce papers were already filed. But he is my age and now dating a single 23-year-old. I need therapy not to know why I stayed in my marriage (because truly, I don't know a woman alive who would leave my set-up), but to understand why I'd take him back tonight if he offered. Logic says to me that if you want to conduct a clandestine bit of rooting, you choose an accomplice with no high profile, nor high visibility in your community, and certainly not a pillar of the community. You pick an accomplice with whom you can fly under the radar. The more non-descript, the better. Not even in your community, better still. Whether it was scandalous or not seems to be beside the point. Whether he has a 23 year old girlfriend or not seems equally irrelevant. Whether he knew your marital status or not appears to be redundant information. You had a handful of opportunistic roots with the bloke, you got away without getting sprung, and now, it's done isn't it ?
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 25, 2018 19:40:26 GMT -5
It is not just the money-- there is something else that comes with money and that is a huge amount of freedom. I also have the white picket fence. I think I was addicted to the chaos, the rejection, earning approval. My parents rejected me and I married a man who rejected me. Now that my husband is two-feet-in, I want to pivot and go to a different guy who is rejecting me. It's like my nervous system doesn't feel "right" unless I'm earning approval. I'm not sure. I don't know the answer to this. That's why I'm here. I was publicly separated but still living together. I don't think the non-affair/affair thought I was lying. I did not lie to him. Unfortunately, yes, I am that naive. I asked him if we could talk sometime. I knew that he was "in the dating world" and since I was about to enter it, I wanted some advice. He made the first move during our first meeting, and I was actually STUNNED. (I thought there would be negotiating and banter and a head's up.) He tried to have sex that first day, and I did not "get" that this was how stuff worked. I knew I liked him, but I didn't even shave my legs. (This is how you can know I'm not lying. If I thought I was going to have HOT sex for the first time, I would've shaved my legs. Trust me.) I had no IDEA. I thought he was going to tell me how all this stuff worked.... I got a lesson, alright.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 25, 2018 19:41:46 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2018 19:49:19 GMT -5
“I asked him if we could talk sometime. I knew that he was "in the dating world" and since I was about to enter it, I wanted some advice. He made the first move during our first meeting, and I was actually STUNNED. (I thought there would be negotiating and banter and a head's up.)”
I guess you weren’t aware that lots of men think a newly divorced or a woman who is divorcing will be an easy lay. If you told him about your sm, that added to his belief that you’d be desperate and easy to fuck. That’s all he wanted, not a relationship.
Sounds like you were talking about dating. He was thinking only about fucking.
That’s why I avoided such conversations with straight male friends. I’d heard too many stories from women who turned to straight male friends for divorce advice and then were laid and left.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 25, 2018 19:58:49 GMT -5
northstarmomThank you. That seems to be a correct interpretation. I got played and now I'm embarrassed (and still haven't gotten my panties out of a wad).
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2018 20:06:01 GMT -5
*Wet blanket alert* surfergirl . And still, after this high adventure, the core problem of your marriage remains.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 25, 2018 21:06:21 GMT -5
Sounds like the two of you where on different planets in your "interpretation" of FWB? I have ZERO experience in that area, and SO, SO ,much to learn. Sounds like you are learning too? That is why I suggested to you, "that was his loss and your gain. Learn from it and press on". Easy to say and hard to do.
Some of us are co-dependent, or have been so well trained to constantly give without taking that you /we are going to have to really work on knowing what we need, what we want, what we also have to offer to someone else.
Knowing more about your true self will help with your upcoming choices in how you handle your family, H, divorce, sex, intimacy, commitment, communication etc... when it comes to FWB not everyone is going to take the same approach. When the time is right, personally, I would like an even 50/50 a good balance of both. Giving and receiving a friend when needed, and giving and receiving sex/intimacy when needed.
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