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Post by brian on Jan 17, 2018 9:25:25 GMT -5
I feel a need to say a bit more. I can, and do, have “fun” with my roomie. We can play cards, or board games, and have an enjoyable time. We can have a meal together and be happy. Life isn’t misery with her... it’s just... life with a roommate. The problem comes in with the fact that I married her to have so much more... a romance, passion, a partner that helps me through the bad times and rejoices with me in the good.
I could only hold up the romance without passion for so long.
She deals with adversity and stress the exact opposite of how I do, and we therefore have a difficult time truly helping each other.
Because of the above, it’s difficult to see the “good” or the life “wins” as “ours” and they are instead, his and hers.
So I go through life more alone than I thought I would be being married.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 17, 2018 9:47:09 GMT -5
I feel a need to say a bit more. I can, and do, have “fun” with my roomie. We can play cards, or board games, and have an enjoyable time. We can have a meal together and be happy. Life isn’t misery with her... it’s just... life with a roommate. The problem comes in with the fact that I married her to have so much more... a romance, passion, a partner that helps me through the bad times and rejoices with me in the good. I could only hold up the romance without passion for so long. She deals with adversity and stress the exact opposite of how I do, and we therefore have a difficult time truly helping each other. Because of the above, it’s difficult to see the “good” or the life “wins” as “ours” and they are instead, his and hers. So I go through life more alone than I thought I would be being married.That last line really hits home for me brian. This is why when thinking of a username, "lonelywifey" came to me immediately. It is a bit tragic to feel alone when you are married. I also married with the intention that our marriage would be so much more than it is. And through being on this forum and talking to others in real life about my situation I have learned that I did not have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be. That was affirming for me even if it doesn't positively effect my relationship.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 17, 2018 10:43:18 GMT -5
“That last line really hits home for me brian. This is why when thinking of a username, "lonelywifey" came to me immediately. It is a bit tragic to feel alone when you are married. “
Being lonelywify is a choice you are making just like you chose your name. You don’t have to spend your free time with a husband who ignores, is indifferent or doesn’t emotionally connect with you. You can choose to get involved without your husband in activities and friendships that interest you.
When I did that, I blossomed into the woman I always wanted to be. I also realized I was happier out of my husband’s presence than in it. I also realized I’d be happier single even unpartnered for the rest of my life than I’d be happy in my intimacyless marriage.
It was a process that took several years and lots of courage in venturing out to do things on my own or with my women friends.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 17, 2018 11:21:38 GMT -5
“That last line really hits home for me brian. This is why when thinking of a username, "lonelywifey" came to me immediately. It is a bit tragic to feel alone when you are married. “ Being lonelywify is a choice you are making just like you chose your name. You don’t have to spend your free time with a husband who ignores, is indifferent or doesn’t emotionally connect with you. You can choose to get involved without your husband in activities and friendships that interest you. When I did that, I blossomed into the woman I always wanted to be. I also realized I was happier out of my husband’s presence than in it. I also realized I’d be happier single even unpartnered for the rest of my life than I’d be happy in my intimacyless marriage. It was a process that took several years and lots of courage in venturing out to do things on my own or with my women friends. This is exactly what I do northstarmom and also what I am learning through doing so.
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Post by Casiyessie on Jan 17, 2018 20:43:25 GMT -5
Yeah I have fun with him. We joke around a lot and laugh a lot especially with our girls. I usually feel the reality once I’m laying down on my side of the bed.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 23:34:28 GMT -5
For some reason, I’m reluctant to admit that yes, we do sometimes have fun together. It’s usually (maybe always) with kids involved, but we go to games, concerts, movies, and out to eat. At home, we cook, play board games, eat meals, and joke around together. I like to think it’s because I’m a fun girl (and I am!) but my H, when he’s in the right mood, can also be fun.
So there you have it. The complicated mess that is SM. Coexisting states of sexlessness, disconnection, and... fun family times = ambivalence and indecision.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 5:05:09 GMT -5
So there you have it. The complicated mess that is SM. Coexisting states of sexlessness, disconnection, and... fun family times = ambivalence and indecision. That's the reason I asked the question. As always, it comes down to whether the lack of sex is important enough to divorce over. Everyone will value their own sex life differently - and they will also value their married life without sex differently.
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2018 5:24:53 GMT -5
That's essentially it I reckon. "How much value do you put on the sexual component of your marriage ?"
Most of us (me included back in the day of my ILIASM deal) say that it is very important. But most of us (me included back in the day of my ILIASM deal) aren't prepared to do much about it.
That's why I had (back in the day of my ILIASM deal) a sneaky admiration for those who cheated...or left. They put their money where their mouth is. Clearly, they really DID regard sex as very important. Important enough to act on.
Although I must say that personally, it was a number of issues that were the dealbreaker for me. Sex was one of them. None of the reasons were enough as single issues to get out. But the totality of ALL the issues was.
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Post by h on Jan 18, 2018 6:13:20 GMT -5
It has to be truly unbearable. Otherwise we'll keep tolerating it...
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2018 6:34:39 GMT -5
I think it is more of an accumulation.
For example - Your missus may be a spendthrift. Causes problems but not in and of itself a dealbreaker. She might also be emotionally distant. Again, probably not a dealbreaker in and of itself. She might be a rotten parent. Serious, but not a dealbreaker in and of itself. She might also be bone lazy. Not a dealbreaker in and of itself. She might be rude to your family. Awkward but not a dealbreaker. (you can start adding in your own favourites here) And on top of all that, no sex. Not a dealbreaker - usually - in and of itself.
But if you take a step back to view the whole picture, you might seriously think that in total, you have a dealbreaker.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 18, 2018 7:48:24 GMT -5
When there was no more fun with him — when we took a beach vacation together and stayed in separate beds noodling on our laptops; when we had nothing to say while dining by the ocean - that was the death knell of our marriage. I had more fun with friends or being alone. When I heard his steps approaching our house, I felt dread. I asked for a divorce a month later.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 18, 2018 8:37:27 GMT -5
For some reason, I’m reluctant to admit that yes, we do sometimes have fun together. It’s usually (maybe always) with kids involved, but we go to games, concerts, movies, and out to eat. At home, we cook, play board games, eat meals, and joke around together. I like to think it’s because I’m a fun girl (and I am!) but my H, when he’s in the right mood, can also be fun. So there you have it. The complicated mess that is SM. Coexisting states of sexlessness, disconnection, and... fun family times = ambivalence and indecision. yes ,in looking back things where okay with kids involved. Relatively fun, but could have been more fun with an intimate relationship going on. Yet once the kids get older, doing things with kids becomes less and less. Then on those rare occasions when you do go out together and try to have some one on one time you get accused of your conversations being "useless dribble"? NO THANK YOU. I may only be speaking for a few but that's more of what the FUTURE holds.
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 18, 2018 9:02:56 GMT -5
Yes. But she restrains herself so the fun doesn't culminate to the bedroom. Her muscles are naturally so tense. She needs to learn to relax and surrender.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2018 13:18:37 GMT -5
Yes. But she restrains herself so the fun doesn't culminate to the bedroom. Her muscles are naturally so tense. She needs to learn to relax and surrender. Here is the crisis of Empiricism in the approach to diagnosing a sexless marriage. 100% of her marital interaction with you indicates restraint and tension so you both assume that's just the way she is generally. It is impractical to test whether her traits of restraint, tension, and inability to surrender persists apart from her marriage to this partner while still being engaged in a monogamous relationship with him.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2018 13:33:37 GMT -5
I think it is more of an accumulation. For example - Your missus may be a spendthrift. Causes problems but not in and of itself a dealbreaker. She might also be emotionally distant. Again, probably not a dealbreaker in and of itself. She might be a rotten parent. Serious, but not a dealbreaker in and of itself. She might also be bone lazy. Not a dealbreaker in and of itself. She might be rude to your family. Awkward but not a dealbreaker. (you can start adding in your own favourites here) And on top of all that, no sex. Not a dealbreaker - usually - in and of itself. But if you take a step back to view the whole picture, you might seriously think that in total, you have a dealbreaker. I like this, but rather than a balance sheet of debits and credits about the value of the relationship (non-specific), I prefer to look at the marriage (specific) as having a pass/fail pre-requisite - a threshold that must be met. To qualify as a lived marriage, it must be a mutual, uniquely attracted sexually-intimate relationship with an intention to continue it indefinitely. I can have sex with a person who doesn't want me, or who I'm not actually involved with, otherwise. That's not a marriage - and it's why I focus upstream from the presence or absence of sex when discussing these things. I can have other kinds of invested relationships (parents, kids, co-workers, lovers, friends, landlords, ex-spouses), that involve shared finances, emotional investment, parenting, ambitions, families etc, and the thought of a sexual expectation would never cross my mind. They don't qualify as a marriage. So it then comes down to what it means to me that my partner (who almost certainly has a sex drive) avoids this one thing. Am I involved involved in a a mutual, uniquely attracted sexually-intimate relationship? If not, then I may have had a wedding, but the relationship as lived is not qualifying as a marriage. In fact, it's unlikely I would even bother with a dating relationship that continued past an unreasonable point, measured in a matter of weeks or at maximum - months. I can then dispense with the elaborate calculus needed to decide whether I value the relationship or not. Rather, I can reframe the question to whether or not I am living in a marriage. If I attend to sorting the question of the marriage and make corrections to the format accordingly (by not being married anymore), the question of whether I retain the relationship (though perhaps not as a marriage) or not, will be worked out downstream.
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