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Post by h on Jan 12, 2018 20:18:20 GMT -5
Thanks obobfla for the advice. We've been in marital and individual counseling. Sorry for coming on here and letting my story come out in pieces. That's not very helpful. My "old posts" are only a day old. I just got here, but I suppose I've been in the club vicariously for a few decades. Go us! [/sarcasm] I met someone here tonight for drinks, and if he wants to say out loud if I match my pic, I guess that's up to him.... lol If it's okay and anyone cares to listen, I'd like to lay out my story in one post on a new thread. Lay it on us! Closest to laid many of us will get...
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Post by obobfla on Jan 12, 2018 20:43:54 GMT -5
Hope it goes well, surfergirl! I got a date for tomorrow night. First date in years, and I’m nervous. And as h said, we live vicariously through other members’ successes.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2018 0:18:00 GMT -5
Thanks obobfla for the advice. We've been in marital and individual counseling. Sorry for coming on here and letting my story come out in pieces. That's not very helpful. My "old posts" are only a day old. I just got here, but I suppose I've been in the club vicariously for a few decades. Go us! [/sarcasm] I met someone here tonight for drinks, and if he wants to say out loud if I match my pic, I guess that's up to him.... lol If it's okay and anyone cares to listen, I'd like to lay out my story in one post on a new thread. Yes! surfergirl@ matches her pic. She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful, caring personality. Very much like all the fine people who grace these pages. I felt like a "ILIASM spokesperson" due to the years of training I have received on here from many with knowledgeable experiences. I wanted to make sure she understood that she deserves to feel cherished, loved, honored, and respected. Lots of verbal communication went on between us. Good therapy for the both of us. It means more and is easier face to face instead of typing it all out. It's great to see it continue on here.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 15, 2018 16:27:37 GMT -5
So now I have a problem......husband wants to work on things and we have five kids. But know I know the secret....that sex is really super hot. And if I stay, I have to give that up. And there's no hope that I would find someone new. I own a company and have five kids....too intimidating or a hassle for most men. And the affair partner is a no-go because he is a player (albeit a good one). You had a problem before. Your husband doesn't desire you in a sexual way. You still have that problem, even if you have an affair partner. Your husband's "working on things" might help make the household enterprise generally better, but I don't really see how "working on things" leads toward sexual desire for someone you don't dig that way. The idea that there is no hope for you to find a new partner is not based in a reality, though no one can be told this. Being successful in business doesn't really turn off most men (rather, women tend to select upward of their own station, regardless of their own socioeconomic class). Five kids might indeed be limiting in some respects - but in a post-marriage situation, it is unlikely you would have all of them at once anyway. But regardless of whether or not you choose to take a romantic partner, you don't have one now, and the choice to present as having one appears to be causing you distress. Another possibility I might offer is to have no steady romantic partner for a while after a long romantic relationship, and work on establishing yourself as an independent and interesting person. Regarding the "why chasing" - the headline question... This is the behavior usually on the part of the partner who is not averse to sexual intimacy in the marriage, looking for the reason sex has gone off. Presumably, as in my own case, the intention is to fix that reason and thus restore attraction and desire again, like screwing in a replacement lightbulb and completing the current. I think most people come here having noticed the lack of sexual intimacy, and they want to get on it and fix that or they risk losing the marriage down the road. I think that's actually backwards. Sexual desire is something that exists apart from deep investment in a person and leads TOWARD it over time. In fact, it can exist apart from any prospective partner at all (something I know as I'm at present "between girlfriends". People who don't know each other - perfect strangers - can have sexual desire for each other. If a relationship has gone sour to the point of a loss of desire and attraction for a partner, that's not the beginning stage - that's likely the final stage. The beginning stage was a dozen years ago, when you yelled at the kids like his mother did, or the kids yelled at him and he blamed you for it, or when you married him when he didn't really want to, and then compounded it by failing to be the white picket fantasy he envisioned, but were instead a real person. It can be any reason - but it's HIS reason. For your part, you have a relationship in which the person you live with doesn't desire you sexually, and the question of what a marriage is.
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