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Post by rejected101 on Jan 10, 2018 19:23:41 GMT -5
“Think what you’d be throwing away”
Translation - don’t leave me. I don’t want you to but I’m not prepared to make a change.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jan 12, 2018 20:01:45 GMT -5
I feel your pain My husband has said among other statements:(after I try to speak my truth) (which I know I have to give up on because he’ll never truly hear me). He has said after we argue/discuss/and repeat the same circular stuff You want to just throw it all away? Don’t write us off just yet. I’m not ready to throw in the towel. What about our wedding vows? Now I get it that it’s just about buying time and throwing me off course and keeping him in control. He says he's not ready... "don't write us off". If you are waiting for him to be "ready" - just how long will that be? If you are "ready" - why are you waiting on him? So, maybe you're not "ready" either. But come to your answer for you - if you wait on him it will never happen.
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Post by warmways on Jan 13, 2018 0:42:47 GMT -5
I’m not waiting for him to be ready. I know he can never be and even if he could be I can’t stay. I’m not waiting on him. I’m preparing for leaving I’m thinking of myself and protecting myself right now emotionally and getting stronger.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 15, 2018 17:12:28 GMT -5
In one of our few discussions about divorce, my wife (not interested in a divorce at all), declared "think of what you'd be throwing away." I guess I see what she is trying to say, but I guess I don't see it that way. I mean, I'll still take the good memories of our relationship, times together, and successes in raising a family. I'm not "throwing away" any of that. OK: assuming I start seeking another LTR, I'll have to "start over" with building up communication skills, shared positive experiences, and learning (my new partner's) likes and dislikes, quirks and cutenesses. But frankly: that sounds great. I think I'd LIKE to do that. Anyway: I didn't bother to dispute her point. In discussing a possible split, has your spouse dropped that on the table to dissuade you from thinking about divorce? What is your thinking, and/or what was your reply? It's worth thinking about. Your history has happened. It's not going anywhere. If you are talking about divorce, then it's unlikely your "present" is in any place worth saving. So what are you throwing away? You are throwing away the lie, and perhaps the daydream of the future you thought you were going to have. If marriage is distinguished from other kinds of intimate and/or familial relationships by the romantic element and mutual investment in a household enterprise, then you are throwing away the fiction that you present to each other and outwardly to others. You can't throw away something you don't have - I doubt either of you took a vow of celibacy on the altar. The marriage is gone - you are throwing away the pretense. You both share a number of associated benefits that result from a marriage that neither of you live, but that you both struggle to present. Those benefits associated with marriage are risked - because they are likely to be affected. None of this really has anything to do with some other prospective partner that might come down the road. That's a separate issue to deal with later.
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Post by Dan on Jan 15, 2018 17:16:27 GMT -5
If marriage is distinguished from other kinds of intimate and/or familial relationships by the romantic element and mutual investment in a household enterprise, then you are throwing away the fiction that you present to each other and outwardly to others. Thanks, Apocrypha . I've sometimes summarized it this way: "After 25+ years of marriage, you can tell we are still married because we share the same debts and yell at the same kids." In the case where intimacy has been lost, that about sums it up!
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 15, 2018 17:22:17 GMT -5
If marriage is distinguished from other kinds of intimate and/or familial relationships by the romantic element and mutual investment in a household enterprise, then you are throwing away the fiction that you present to each other and outwardly to others. Thanks, Apocrypha . I've sometimes summarized it this way: "After 25+ years of marriage, you can tell we are still married because we share the same debts and yell at the same kids." In the case where intimacy has been lost, that about sums it up! Identical to what I have with my ex-wife at this point in our separation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2018 6:38:37 GMT -5
You would be throwing away the FOG. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) That is why I say "the fog has been lifted".
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Post by lostintime on Jan 18, 2018 22:01:34 GMT -5
Divorce for me equals to no house and kids will have to go to school that is not as good. I will see kids less and have less free time.
If I won the lottery I would not have to work and would dedicate time to kids, me and would not have to worry about health plan, schools, time etc.
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Post by merrygoround on Jan 19, 2018 3:23:12 GMT -5
I had a similar thing said to me by ex husband :
"You're just trashing 24 years".
What I could not reconcile was this statement against the times I begged him to work on the marriage "I don't want to do counselling - why drag up the past?";the time I asked him to consider a doctor's appointment "if they suggest medication, I am not taking it as I don't want the side effects"; on marriage therapy " what is the point? There's no guarantee it will work", to the death blow "I lost desire for you after our youngest was born".....and countless rejections over the years.
Excuse me....but he does not get the right to say "You're just trashing 24 years".
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 9:50:26 GMT -5
I had a similar thing said to me by ex husband : "You're just trashing 24 years". What I could not reconcile was this statement against the times I begged him to work on the marriage "I don't want to do counselling - why drag up the past?";the time I asked him to consider a doctor's appointment "if they suggest medication, I am not taking it as I don't want the side effects"; on marriage therapy " what is the point? There's no guarantee it will work", to the death blow "I lost desire for you after our youngest was born".....and countless rejections over the years. Excuse me....but he does not get the right to say "You're just trashing 24 years". Can you say, "double standards, and hypocrisy"? So glad the FOG lifted and it's gone for you. You deserve better!!
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