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Post by takestwototango on Jan 7, 2018 18:06:52 GMT -5
In one of our few discussions about divorce, my wife (not interested in a divorce at all), declared "think of what you'd be throwing away." I guess I see what she is trying to say, but I guess I don't see it that way. I mean, I'll still take the good memories of our relationship, times together, and successes in raising a family. I'm not "throwing away" any of that. OK: assuming I start seeking another LTR, I'll have to "start over" with building up communication skills, shared positive experiences, and learning (my new partner's) likes and dislikes, quirks and cutenesses. But frankly: that sounds great. I think I'd LIKE to do that. Anyway: I didn't bother to dispute her point. In discussing a possible split, has your spouse dropped that on the table to dissuade you from thinking about divorce? What is your thinking, and/or what was your reply? My husband doesn't dispute getting a divorce at all. He is sick of my "whining & bitching." Right now the main thing keeping me here is finances. I do love him, but the relationship is stagnant and I really don't think he will be willing to change. At this point I won't say he never will. I guess it is remotely possible, but he would be perfectly happy if I never brought up the issue of our sm. I am working on an exit plan, but it is very hard when he spends every dime we make. And we haven't been married long enough for me to get any kind of alimony.
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Post by baza on Jan 7, 2018 18:52:26 GMT -5
There's the thing Sister takestwototango . You stay because your finances are a mess. Your finances are a mess because "he spends every dime we make". It is very hard to see how staying with a spendthrift can do anything else other than keep you impoverished. Now, if you were to part, leaving you to paddle your own financial canoe, that would give you a realistic shot at returning your finances to good health - presupposing you were working to a sound financial plan.
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Post by takestwototango on Jan 7, 2018 19:47:45 GMT -5
There's the thing Sister takestwototango . You stay because your finances are a mess. Your finances are a mess because "he spends every dime we make". It is very hard to see how staying with a spendthrift can do anything else other than keep you impoverished. Now, if you were to part, leaving you to paddle your own financial canoe, that would give you a realistic shot at returning your finances to good health - presupposing you were working to a sound financial plan. Right. The problem is, I am in a temp job that could end tomorrow. Working on getting permanent work. Then my plan can begin to take real form.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 8, 2018 10:39:33 GMT -5
I have thought about it. I am waiting for any lawyer I have contacted to give me an estimate of what I will be throwing away financially. I know which friends I will lose. I had a brief chat with one of my friends about what a terrible person I was, but she never responded after I asked how much chronic pain a man would have to be in to look at everything I knew I had to lose and say, "it's worth it."
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Post by h on Jan 8, 2018 11:22:31 GMT -5
I have thought about it. I am waiting for any lawyer I have contacted to give me an estimate of what I will be throwing away financially. I know which friends I will lose. I had a brief chat with one of my friends about what a terrible person I was, but she never responded after I asked how much chronic pain a man would have to be in to look at everything I knew I had to lose and say, "it's worth it." Your description kind of sounds like, how far does the gangrene have to spread before un-anesthetized amputation is preferable.
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 11:30:44 GMT -5
This is why it's important to truly know yourself - those kinds of comments can stop positive action dead in your tracks. The doubt monster is there anyway, then you get those comments and it grows. Time away helps. Have you had that for yourself, Dan? Sorry for asking, I can't keep track of everyone's stories with my (serious) "Dory mind" (it scares me how forgetful I am, actually). I know I felt strongest after a weekend alone, a day, night, even. You can hear your true self. It helps. Find that inner strength and stay in tune with your mantra for life - don't let others squelch it.
It's a big decision, obviously, but I agree with the others, there is nothing "being thrown away."
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Post by baza on Jan 8, 2018 19:05:39 GMT -5
I have thought about it. I am waiting for any lawyer I have contacted to give me an estimate of what I will be throwing away financially. I know which friends I will lose. I had a brief chat with one of my friends about what a terrible person I was, but she never responded after I asked how much chronic pain a man would have to be in to look at everything I knew I had to lose and say, "it's worth it." It might help if you could re-frame the premise. The divorce settlement is NOT a matter of YOU giving away half *your* money to your missus. Any more than it is your missus giving away half *her* money to you. In reality, the money does not belong to *you*, nor does it belong to *her*. It belongs to "the partnership". It never belonged solely to you, or her. So it is not really a matter of "you giving away half your money" Rather, it is a matter of "getting your right whack out of the net assets the partnership has accrued".
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 8, 2018 19:20:08 GMT -5
Your wife was most likely projecting on what she'd be losing. Her meal ticket, her cook, cleaner, babysitter, etc. Basically she was saying you cant divorce me. Think about how you would crush my cosy little world if you were to leave.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 8, 2018 20:03:01 GMT -5
Maintenance will likely be 30% of my income. That is all. Heck, she gets more than that right now just for play money, and can't even make it on that with me covering the bills with the rest of my income. Half of our common property? Heck, I could burn my half and be ahead before I hit retirement.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 8, 2018 20:17:44 GMT -5
Maintenance will likely be 30% of my income. That is all. Heck, she gets more than that right now just for play money, and can't even make it on that with me covering the bills with the rest of my income. Half of our common property? Heck, I could burn my half and be ahead before I hit retirement. Best $300,000 I've ever spent. Not including the $100k+ in child support by the time they're grown. A man takes care of his kids.
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Post by Dan on Jan 8, 2018 22:08:52 GMT -5
Your wife was most likely projecting on what she'd be losing. Her meal ticket, her cook, cleaner, babysitter, etc. Basically she was saying you cant divorce me. Think about how you would crush my cosy little world if you were to leave. Apparently, you've met my wife.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2018 0:52:38 GMT -5
My guess is the "think of what you will be throwing away" part is why we stay....
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 9, 2018 3:16:56 GMT -5
Early on, one reason I did stay was because I did not want to take a financial loss. Five years in, before kids, my losses would have been in the thousands, not hundreds of thousands with perpetual maintenance. I love my kids, but if I only knew then what I know now...
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Post by shamwow on Jan 9, 2018 8:36:55 GMT -5
Early on, one reason I did stay was because I did not want to take a financial loss. Five years in, before kids, my losses would have been in the thousands, not hundreds of thousands with perpetual maintenance. I love my kids, but if I only knew then what I know now... Same here until I thought hard about how I would feel on my deathbed. Covered in cash and regrets. And in all likelihood in that deathbed far sooner than anticipated. Finally I decided better sorry than safe. As it turns out I am not sorry at all and am far more safe in the long run had I stayed.
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Post by warmways on Jan 9, 2018 11:04:14 GMT -5
I would be throwing away all the time wasted on trying to figurie out how to leave and focus on bigger endeavors and being more of a friend to others and grow in ways that I couldn’t while spinning my wheels. I would be throwing away the idea I have that I’m not strong enough to leave and the idea that I don’t want to “hurt” him if I leave while giving him false hope that we may stay together as we just finished our third couples counseling last night.
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