|
Post by lwoetin on Jan 2, 2018 21:41:12 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? I think so, when my wife got into perimenopause stage. And she doesn't like to be touched or kissed. So I drive her crazy by hugging and squeezing her often. I tell her resistance is futile. Good luck with your therapy!
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Jan 2, 2018 22:22:09 GMT -5
I find these forums so valuable and as a source of comfort. But at the same time, it isn't easy coming here and reading stories like this. It just makes me sad and sometimes I find myself not wanting to even be here because it is so painful and frustrating.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jan 3, 2018 1:20:34 GMT -5
It reads like you are operating on a premise that this is a *joint* enterprise and that your spouse is as committed to bringing the situation to resolution as you are. I'd invite you to critically examine this premise. Mainly because in your postings so far (and from the outside looking in) there does not seem to be any evidence to support a view that your spouse is as committed to bringing the situation to resolution as you are. Quite the reverse appears to be the case. His actions - as your posts have shown - are the actions of a person who is quite happy with the status quo. Now if that's right, I'd invite you to look at the situation from your spouses point of view. In other words put yourself in his shoes. If you were in a relationship that was pretty much delivering on what you wanted, would you be very enthusiastic about the idea of turning the whole thing upside down and making radical changes to your behaviour ? Or do you figure you might be quite resistant to such a proposition ? I do still have hope - it has not completely fizzled out yet. He says he wants things to get better. Couples therapy will reveal for sure whether or not he thinks we both need to make changes, because I know I have not helped matters & have my own issues, as we all do. But I want to see what the therapist thinks of starting couples therapy right away. He did admit yesterday that he should probably see a psychiatrist for his issues. Well, if he's at least willing to do therapy, that's more than a lot of men are willing to do. My H and I are doing couples therapy right now, but I must say my expectations of how much it will improve our situation are not very high. However, that doesn't mean it won't help you two. You mentioned that ED might be giving him performance anxiety and thus causing him to avoid sex, and I think that's a good thing to discuss with the therapist and/or a physician. Good luck!
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jan 3, 2018 1:27:27 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? I think so, when my wife got into perimenopause stage. And she doesn't like to be touched or kissed. So I drive her crazy by hugging and squeezing her often. I tell her resistance is futile. Good luck with your therapy! lwoetin, out of curiosity, did your w ever try hormone replacement therapy or any other strategies to deal with troublesome menopausal issues like vaginal dryness, mood swings and my personal unfavorite, vaginal ATROPHY. Ugh! Nothin' makes you feel less sexy than having your lady parts dry out and shrivel up. However, there are ways to address this, either hormonally or with more foreplay, etc. Even just knowing why it's happening is very helpful. I thought I was a freak or a bad wife or something when it happened to me (stupid, I know) and my husband also freaked out because I guess he thought he wasn't turning me on any more and next thing you know-8 years without sex. Just a thought for you and others to be aware of. takestwototango-didn't mean to hijack your thread, but wanted to get that out there.
|
|
|
Touch
Jan 4, 2018 3:40:33 GMT -5
Post by lwoetin on Jan 4, 2018 3:40:33 GMT -5
I think so, when my wife got into perimenopause stage. And she doesn't like to be touched or kissed. So I drive her crazy by hugging and squeezing her often. I tell her resistance is futile. Good luck with your therapy! lwoetin, out of curiosity, did your w ever try hormone replacement therapy or any other strategies to deal with troublesome menopausal issues like vaginal dryness, mood swings and my personal unfavorite, vaginal ATROPHY. Ugh! Nothin' makes you feel less sexy than having your lady parts dry out and shrivel up. However, there are ways to address this, either hormonally or with more foreplay, etc. Even just knowing why it's happening is very helpful. I thought I was a freak or a bad wife or something when it happened to me (stupid, I know) and my husband also freaked out because I guess he thought he wasn't turning me on any more and next thing you know-8 years without sex. Just a thought for you and others to be aware of. takestwototango-didn't mean to hijack your thread, but wanted to get that out there. we're not into drugs, so I'd rather try the more foreplay route (and England Dan/John Ford Coley music in the background). If it gets anywhere close to 8yrs without sex, I might reconsider. Did you personally do HRT, did it work? It's been 2 months and 1 sex, but AL/GA national championship and NFL playoff games to look forward to.
|
|
|
Touch
Jan 4, 2018 20:31:39 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by flounder on Jan 4, 2018 20:31:39 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? Look into what medications he is taking, there are a lot of meds that mess with his ability to get an erection and affect the libido. He could also be going thru a long term depression from having the heart attack and the depression alone could completely kill how libido. This. My wife has been on meds for depression for about 10 years now. Our sex life went down hill almost overnight.
|
|
|
Touch
Jan 4, 2018 20:50:02 GMT -5
Post by Dan on Jan 4, 2018 20:50:02 GMT -5
I cannot imagine going through life not feeling the craving for touch. Sometimes I want it so bad I think I will go insane. That is usually the only time I really consider outsourcing. I am so sad, too, because if he doesn't crave it, I will always have to ask for it. Similar sentiment on my recent thread " craving a good cuddle". Counseling can't get here soon enough. Perhaps I missed an earlier post of yours: what, exactly, do you suppose counseling will do to ameliorate your situation? Just curious.
|
|
|
Touch
Jan 4, 2018 20:59:42 GMT -5
Post by takestwototango on Jan 4, 2018 20:59:42 GMT -5
I cannot imagine going through life not feeling the craving for touch. Sometimes I want it so bad I think I will go insane. That is usually the only time I really consider outsourcing. I am so sad, too, because if he doesn't crave it, I will always have to ask for it. Similar sentiment on my recent thread " craving a good cuddle". Counseling can't get here soon enough. Perhaps I missed an earlier post of yours: what, exactly, do you suppose counseling will do to ameliorate your situation? Just curious. I'm not totally sure at this point. I guess I am just clinging on the last string of hope that I have. I do still love him & I am still very attracted to him and I know the majority of his problem is psychological. But, if he refuses to do whatever the counselor suggests or decides his portion of counseling is over before myself or the counselor does, I don't see a point in continuing the marriage.
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jan 4, 2018 21:15:08 GMT -5
I'm not totally sure at this point. I guess I am just clinging on the last string of hope that I have. I do still love him & I am still very attracted to him and I know the majority of his problem is psychological. But, if he refuses to do whatever the counselor suggests or decides his portion of counseling is over before myself or the counselor does, I don't see a point in continuing the marriage. My two cents: Individual therapy is AWESOME (*) to work out your feelings, discuss your fears, express your sadness, outline your hopes, and work on steps YOU can take for YOU in your life. You can't fix an SM in individual therapy... but you can learn how to cope, and have a trusted, professional listener help you make a plan for you. (* one caveat: IF you have the right therapist. If you are not spilling your innermost secrets by the third appointment, something isn't working right. You haven't jived with him/her, or he/she is not very skilled. Time to try the next one on the list.) Marital (couples) therapy is... occasionally somewhat useful. And then again: sometimes a total waste... except that you can say "well, I tried that, too." Couples therapy might take several sessions to get him to admit he doesn't like touch. (After all, touch alone is not going to be the only topic.) Then a few more to convey how much the lack of touch is hurting you. Then a few more for him to acknowledge it, and maybe show interest in addressing it. If you catch my drift: this could be a SLOW process, if there is progress at all. Not trying to discourage you... just trying to set your expectations.
|
|
|
Touch
Jan 4, 2018 21:34:11 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by takestwototango on Jan 4, 2018 21:34:11 GMT -5
I agree, Dan - I know it will take some time. I'm willing to give it 3-4 months to see if it goes anywhere. And individual therapy is in the works 😉
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jan 4, 2018 22:23:44 GMT -5
Look into what medications he is taking, there are a lot of meds that mess with his ability to get an erection and affect the libido. He could also be going thru a long term depression from having the heart attack and the depression alone could completely kill how libido. This. My wife has been on meds for depression for about 10 years now. Our sex life went down hill almost overnight. Just a note from a woman who has been on meds for depression for over 2 years now: I’m as into sex as I ever was, maybe more so since it has been so infrequent. The orgasms don’t come (cum? Haha) quite so easily anymore unfortunately but that does nothing to squash my desire. If my libido HAD decreased due to the meds and I had a partner who wanted to be sexual, I would have switched meds until I found one that didn’t have that side effect. Possibly a convenient excuse for your wife?
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jan 5, 2018 0:24:32 GMT -5
Couples therapy might take several sessions to get him to admit he doesn't like touch. (After all, touch alone is not going to be the only topic.) Then a few more to convey how much the lack of touch is hurting you. Then a few more for him to acknowledge it, and maybe show interest in addressing it. If you catch my drift: this could be a SLOW process, if there is progress at all. Not trying to discourage you... just trying to set your expectations. Beware the rabbit trails off into left field, to explore how your spouse is traumatized by the excuse of the week. (On the premise that it could be the underlying conflict.) Meanwhile, the main issue gets no attention while you get taken for a long taxi ride. You'll need to be assertive about keeping the therapist on-track.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jan 5, 2018 12:53:47 GMT -5
This. My wife has been on meds for depression for about 10 years now. Our sex life went down hill almost overnight. Just a note from a woman who has been on meds for depression for over 2 years now: I’m as into sex as I ever was, maybe more so since it has been so infrequent. The orgasms don’t come (cum? Haha) quite so easily anymore unfortunately but that does nothing to squash my desire. If my libido HAD decreased due to the meds and I had a partner who wanted to be sexual, I would have switched meds until I found one that didn’t have that side effect. Possibly a convenient excuse for your wife? Some types of antidepressants had a greater affect on libido. SSRIs are known for killing libidos.
|
|
|
Touch
Jan 7, 2018 11:38:13 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by flounder on Jan 7, 2018 11:38:13 GMT -5
This. My wife has been on meds for depression for about 10 years now. Our sex life went down hill almost overnight. Just a note from a woman who has been on meds for depression for over 2 years now: I’m as into sex as I ever was, maybe more so since it has been so infrequent. The orgasms don’t come (cum? Haha) quite so easily anymore unfortunately but that does nothing to squash my desire. If my libido HAD decreased due to the meds and I had a partner who wanted to be sexual, I would have switched meds until I found one that didn’t have that side effect. Possibly a convenient excuse for your wife? She has tried another med,but to no avail. I’ve often wondered if it was an excuse. Now I’m just wondering if she has become asexual.
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jan 7, 2018 12:23:21 GMT -5
I can’t diagnose your husband, takestwototango. I’m no doctor, and I don’t know your husband. But I can confess that there are times I shy away from touching, even when it’s from a trusted sex partner. If you ever had someone touch you in the back of the neck and recoiled, that is me at times with my entire body. But it happens so rarely that it’s not really a problem. Most of the time, I have no problem touching. I get regular massages and would welcome a lover to grab my Willy early in the morning. I suffered from major depression when I was younger. Today, I still struggle with my head that knows that I am a decent guy and an inner voice that says that I am a repulsive loser who everyone hates. I have learned to shut that voice out by checking in with friends and family. If they are not repulsed, the voice must be wrong. Thank God I can put my logic ahead of those awful emotions. My late wife couldn’t do that, and she suffered for it.
|
|