I have to talk about things, but it is difficult
Dec 31, 2017 17:16:45 GMT -5
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tiredoftears likes this
Post by afrogofhope on Dec 31, 2017 17:16:45 GMT -5
“The lack of attention to the girls is a legitimate critique. I am doing less, mostly because I want them to be more independent. “
You have an 18 month old and how old is your other daughter?
18 month olds are very demanding and dependent. If your wife is home all day with them, she might welcome your taking complete responsibility for the kids at least 90 mins a day. This would include your taking responsibility for their messes. When my sons were 18 months old, I couldn’t even use the bathroom alone.
You said your wife had several miscarriages. No matter how long ago they were, I’m wondering she is still suffering from deep grief. That especially could be true if you turned to substances instead of acknowledging your shared grief and supporting her. Childbirth, breast feeding, miscarriages, raising little kids and coping with a substance abusing spouse all are mentally Andra physically exhausting.
How to bring up counseling: by not just focusing on how you want sex: here’s a suggestion: “we have been through s lot over the past years with our miscarriages, babies and my substance abuse problem. I am concerned that we have grown apart. I’d like to go into counseling with you to heal our marriage. I love you and want us to have the best marriage we can.”
Before engaging in this conversation, do the research to find some potential counselors and have a way to pay for them. Also be willing to line up childcare. Don’t leave all of the work of arranging counseling to your wife.
Thank you. Some details are rather lost in my babble.
My oldest daughter is 6. The difference in opinion of attention relates to things like her hobbies and crafts. She like to make things jewellery and artsy things. She's a very creative child but often so gets lost in the details and frustrated.
My wife will sit and work all the way through something with her. Or show her now to play with her toys. Very exact specific things that given the opportunity, my daughter will do on her own. She does her own arithmetic homework alone.
My hands off approach is in relation to things like this. Trying to encourage her problem solving skills and self reliance. Letting her do her own bedtime routine and walking away with a kiss goodnight instead of hovering about and hand holding throughout the process.
The 18 month old? Absolutely agree with you. They all need constant and consistent care, I am there for that. Diapers, meal prep not pulling the bookshelf over on herself everything as needed.
My wife works 40-50hrs a week just like I do. She's the primary financial provider. Well educated and skilled in her profession. We have roughly the same amount of time with the kids in the day; hers more in the morning, mine in the evening.
Again I will acknowledge getting them ready for school and daycare is a substantial effort when you've still got to get to work yourself. I can't be more impressed she manages that.
I'm going to use a dirty word and describe some of my wife's parenting as "helicopter parenting."
It's what she needs it to be, I'm just not convinced it's the severity the kids need.
I try to be forward thinking and inclusive but some of my old school thinking gets in the way.
Having said all that, I am trying to paint a clearer picture, with little vilifying or praise.
Your advice on how to seek counsel is a good perspective. I won't just bring it up and expect her to make arrangements.
The plan is to do the research and see what if our healthcare provider covers and explore options within the network. If I can get the "how to do this" part figured it, maybe she can help me pick the individual.
I think walking in with pamphlets and a schedule might be indelicate.
Thanks again for all the differing opinions perspective really helps.