|
Post by choosinghappy on Dec 30, 2017 15:58:33 GMT -5
“For some reason I feel less anxious about that happening. Almost like then I’d be able to show him how much I love him by being a caregiver. I could do physical things for him that I’m not “allowed” to do now because he has a problem with touch and sex. Or maybe I just like the idea of him needing me and appreciating me.” What about if you became chronically ill or disabled and he had to take care of you? If He is actually very attentive to my needs when i am sick. I am sure he would continue to be loving if I were chronically sick or disabled. But just as he does not fulfill my intimate and sexual needs now, I would assume he wouldn’t then either. He would be great at providing everything I would logically need but I’m not sure he has the capacity to fill my emotional (or sexual) needs.
|
|
|
Post by takestwototango on Dec 30, 2017 17:31:25 GMT -5
So, here's a couple of questions to ponder. 1. When you think of the idea of retirement and you and your spouse being home together every day, how do you feel? 2. When you think of the possibility of your spouse getting sick or incapable as they age, how do you feel about the idea of taking care of them? 1. We will never retire, so not worried about that one! 2. I don't want to take care of him anymore in that way. Why should I when he doesn't take care of me in any way? He's always the first thought on his mind, from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. I would rather Kevorkian take care of me - at least that way it would be over quickly - lol!!
|
|
|
Post by h on Dec 30, 2017 21:30:08 GMT -5
1: I don't ever expect to be able to afford to retire unless either my employment changes or my W gets a better job.
2: I HAVE been a primary care giver for my W during a very serious illness and several surgeries. I never resented her for it. I don't expect that would change.
2b: It was asked that we consider the reverse. Honestly, I have no doubt that my W would take care of me without resentment. If I were in bad enough health that I required her intensive care, then I would likely not be able to have a sex life anymore. That would end all tension between us since we don't fight about anything else so I know she would be ok with it.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Dec 31, 2017 6:05:47 GMT -5
“For some reason I feel less anxious about that happening. Almost like then I’d be able to show him how much I love him by being a caregiver. I could do physical things for him that I’m not “allowed” to do now because he has a problem with touch and sex. Or maybe I just like the idea of him needing me and appreciating me.” What about if you became chronically ill or disabled and he had to take care of you? If This is where I am curious - how would the group answer - would your partner take care of YOU if you became chronically ill? Would they come to resent you - even to a higher degree than they possibly do now? I am pretty sure I would need paid in home health care and hope my oldest would take care of the logistics and my youngest would come and entertain me occasionally. I believe most of us would be excellent care givers to our spouses/partners. Good question JMX - Honestly I think she'd be supremely happy so long as I gave up my own happiness and trying to have sex with her. Care taking - she's always been wonderful at that and I don't think that would change.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jan 2, 2018 0:25:25 GMT -5
Same answer to both. LOL. That picture!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 2, 2018 7:38:05 GMT -5
“We will never retire, so not worried about that one!“‘
Live long enough and at some point you or your spouse is likely to become disabled and unable to work. It is naive to think that won’t happen. Depending on luck and how well you take care of your life now, the period of infirmity is likely to be from 6 months to several years before dying. Thus, one of you is very likely to have to take care of the other due to the other’s strokes, dementia, breathing or heart problems, arthritis or cancer.
I’m 66 and see my peers getting deblilitated: cancer, heart disease, Parkinson’s, MS, diabetes are just a few of the illnesses friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s have been diagnosed with. For some work, even part time, is not possible or eventually will not be. My ex got kidney cancer 2 years after our divorce.
If you are staying with your mate due to financial fear, ask yourself if caring for them or their caring for you is more tolerable than having less money. Consider whether a drastic step like bankruptcy would be worth being responsible only for your own life..
I’ve been with Post sm partner 4.5 years. He had a heart attack several years before we started dating. He had a ruptured colon 2 years into our relationship. While he is doing well now, I know it’s likely I’ll have to take care of him some day. I love him and would do that willingly and lovingly. I would not have felt that way about my ex.
|
|
tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by tori on Jan 2, 2018 8:32:00 GMT -5
So, here's a couple of questions to ponder. 1. When you think of the idea of retirement and you and your spouse being home together every day, how do you feel? 2. When you think of the possibility of your spouse getting sick or incapable as they age, how do you feel about the idea of taking care of them? Same answer to both. Omg you made my day! Lol!!!
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Jan 2, 2018 9:22:19 GMT -5
“We will never retire, so not worried about that one!“‘ Live long enough and at some point you or your spouse is likely to become disabled and unable to work. It is naive to think that won’t happen. Depending on luck and how well you take care of your life now, the period of infirmity is likely to be from 6 months to several years before dying. Thus, one of you is very likely to have to take care of the other due to the other’s strokes, dementia, breathing or heart problems, arthritis or cancer. I’m 66 and see my peers getting deblilitated: cancer, heart disease, Parkinson’s, MS, diabetes are just a few of the illnesses friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s have been diagnosed with. For some work, even part time, is not possible or eventually will not be. My ex got kidney cancer 2 years after our divorce. If you are staying with your mate due to financial fear, ask yourself if caring for them or their caring for you is more tolerable than having less money. Consider whether a drastic step like bankruptcy would be worth being responsible only for your own life.. I’ve been with Post sm partner 4.5 years. He had a heart attack several years before we started dating. He had a ruptured colon 2 years into our relationship. While he is doing well now, I know it’s likely I’ll have to take care of him some day. I love him and would do that willingly and lovingly. I would not have felt that way about my ex. My father-in-law was declared incompetent mentally and unable to care for himself - ended up in a retirement home and that is nothing short of a cash hemorrhage. Lots of times, no matter how large the nest egg, spouses become impoverished and end up on public assistance - everything they ever worked for, stripped away. The state you live in, determines how all this is handled. Here in NY its a complete farce. They go through past finances (up to 5 years of "look-back") and "demerit you" for spending money on vacations, cars, whatever it may be - then penalize you for spending even if it was done before or without any hint of illness at the time. Absolute financial nightmare for the family. In planning for the end, along with cemetery plots I would strongly recommend consulting and elder law attorney. The state people, will often make (illegal) demands for quick action in liquidating the estate, and may people get fleeced for not knowing the law. Let the lawyer deal with the state, and handle power of attorney issues. My W was so relieved to be able to tell the bastards: "Sorry, you'll need to talk to my attorney." The attorney, was also able to shield a decent amount of cash, as well as protect the life insurance policies. Best policy in NY State: Drop dead suddenly from seeming perfect health.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jan 2, 2018 14:59:20 GMT -5
Dropping dead suddenly is always the best thing, IMHO. Lingering is bad for everyone.
|
|
|
Post by twotimesone on Jan 2, 2018 18:18:16 GMT -5
“We will never retire, so not worried about that one!“‘ Live long enough and at some point you or your spouse is likely to become disabled and unable to work. It is naive to think that won’t happen. Depending on luck and how well you take care of your life now, the period of infirmity is likely to be from 6 months to several years before dying. Thus, one of you is very likely to have to take care of the other due to the other’s strokes, dementia, breathing or heart problems, arthritis or cancer. I’m 66 and see my peers getting deblilitated: cancer, heart disease, Parkinson’s, MS, diabetes are just a few of the illnesses friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s have been diagnosed with. For some work, even part time, is not possible or eventually will not be. My ex got kidney cancer 2 years after our divorce. If you are staying with your mate due to financial fear, ask yourself if caring for them or their caring for you is more tolerable than having less money. Consider whether a drastic step like bankruptcy would be worth being responsible only for your own life.. I’ve been with Post sm partner 4.5 years. He had a heart attack several years before we started dating. He had a ruptured colon 2 years into our relationship. While he is doing well now, I know it’s likely I’ll have to take care of him some day. I love him and would do that willingly and lovingly. I would not have felt that way about my ex. My father-in-law was declared incompetent mentally and unable to care for himself - ended up in a retirement home and that is nothing short of a cash hemorrhage. Lots of times, no matter how large the nest egg, spouses become impoverished and end up on public assistance - everything they ever worked for, stripped away. The state you live in, determines how all this is handled. Here in NY its a complete farce. They go through past finances (up to 5 years of "look-back") and "demerit you" for spending money on vacations, cars, whatever it may be - then penalize you for spending even if it was done before or without any hint of illness at the time. Absolute financial nightmare for the family. In planning for the end, along with cemetery plots I would strongly recommend consulting and elder law attorney. The state people, will often make (illegal) demands for quick action in liquidating the estate, and may people get fleeced for not knowing the law. Let the lawyer deal with the state, and handle power of attorney issues. My W was so relieved to be able to tell the bastards: "Sorry, you'll need to talk to my attorney." The attorney, was also able to shield a decent amount of cash, as well as protect the life insurance policies. Best policy in NY State: Drop dead suddenly from seeming perfect health. For me I am planning on earning and saving as much money as possible and retiring early without my wife. With the kids and all, I think it is short term pain and long term gain. I am not planning to live in the states and live in some 3rd world country as an dirty old man. At my age the extreme cold weather cause my skin to dry up and won't heal until the weather gets warmer.
|
|
|
Post by sojourner on Jan 3, 2018 0:08:44 GMT -5
“For some reason I feel less anxious about that happening. Almost like then I’d be able to show him how much I love him by being a caregiver. I could do physical things for him that I’m not “allowed” to do now because he has a problem with touch and sex. Or maybe I just like the idea of him needing me and appreciating me.” What about if you became chronically ill or disabled and he had to take care of you? If This is where I am curious - how would the group answer - would your partner take care of YOU if you became chronically ill? Would they come to resent you - even to a higher degree than they possibly do now? I am pretty sure I would need paid in home health care and hope my oldest would take care of the logistics and my youngest would come and entertain me occasionally. I believe most of us would be excellent care givers to our spouses/partners. I have shoulder arthritis and will eventually have some shoulder surgery for one shoulder. When talking with my w, she asked me who I would be hiring to help while I recovered from surgery. WTF! People who prove lazy and selfish in bed or cavalier to your sexual needs will be consistent with your other needs. At least, that is what I am experiencing. A quick death without lingering is all I can hope for, when the inevitable happens.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 3, 2018 5:31:56 GMT -5
“a quick death without lingering is all I can hope for, when the inevitable happens. “
Hope is not your friend. A solid plan allowing for you to be taken care of if you become ill or disabled is what you need. I saw with my parents how ugly life is when one becomes disabled and has to rely for years on a person who resents you.
In addition to having a plan, it’s important to eat, exercise and otherwise maintain your health. People who do these things are more likely to have a short, not long period of disability at the end of their life.
|
|
|
Post by sojourner on Jan 3, 2018 17:40:44 GMT -5
“a quick death without lingering is all I can hope for, when the inevitable happens. “ Hope is not your friend. A solid plan allowing for you to be taken care of if you become ill or disabled is what you need. I saw with my parents how ugly life is when one becomes disabled and has to rely for years on a person who resents you. In addition to having a plan, it’s important to eat, exercise and otherwise maintain your health. People who do these things are more likely to have a short, not long period of disability at the end of their life. Agreed, hope is not a good strategy. I do believe my w would act in her best interest and find the best and most expedient and beneficial financial exit, were my becoming disabled and unable to make money were to happen. I go to to the gym and do resistance and cardio 4 to 5 times per week, for the most part I watch what I eat. No guarantees though. I was unaware of the short versus long disability at end of life based on this. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jan 4, 2018 10:44:25 GMT -5
Living a bit of this now, my H hurt his back really bad last weekend. I am helping him put on his socks and shoes, and taking care of most of the household duties - he is humbled and hates this. I can't imagine having an attitude about it. I do know I have to keep taking care of me, too, though. This weekend he wants to try to hike with me but if he can't, I have to go. Have to. That may seem selfish, but I LOVE WINTER and I don't want to miss it when I can just sneak away for a few hours, hike, get my fresh air on and return home happy and rejuvenated. I would never make him feel bad about it, though, or demean or make fun of him. In our marriage, it might seem like "no fun," but we don't do the typical "spousal jokes" that are out there. Sarcasm is also not allowed. It's all toxic and there is always a bit of "truth" in jokes. And sarcasm is just another way to be passive aggressive in my opinion. Been there done that with my ex. Never again. We are genuine and appreciative. I want the best for him, I help him right now because he needs it while he is healing. He is loving through it all, too, though, not shut out or shut down. I wouldn't be able to handle that. Bodies shutting down, it will happen, but don't shut down from our relationship. (I suppose that's the "don't quit" that Elle talks about). It does scare me to think of it though -- if something happened and he had to be on disability, unable to do most everything we enjoy, wow -- that's the "for worse" I guess we vow to stick by our spouse through in marriage vows. I love him, I will stick by him, I am just hopeful he will heal. I am starting to do Yoga every day, hoping when he is better he will follow suit with me again - it's DDP Yoga - not your momma's yoga.. lol. He has to want it, too, though, but I know him - if I am doing it, he will do it. Anyway, yeah -- stuff happens! On insurance and retirement - if you are you are young, don't be stupid, get to planning. We are in our 40s and struggling to get something in place for ourselves. But, I did tell my H that I just need good insurance because no one in my family lived past 60 - although my mom is now blowing that out of the water at 72. So, yes, we lose a lot of our income on retirement and insurance. Adulting stuff -- no fun.
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jan 4, 2018 12:24:42 GMT -5
1. When you think of the idea of retirement and you and your spouse being home together every day, how do you feel? I'm not crazy about it. She wants to retire soon (says she is "tired of her job", and she is several years older than me); I'm mildly resentful of the idea that she'll be home, and I'll still be working, likely with kids still in college. To top it off, she really wants to substantially downsize to save money, even so far as to consider a "tiny house". I can't stand the idea of being in what amounts to a trailer or studio apartment with her, as she tends to have the TV on during any time that is "down time" for her. If we were divorced and she needed certain help post-divorce (car trouble, for example), I'd considering offering my occasional time/support. Not willing to be a full time medical caregiver. Despite me being younger, she taken a bit better care of her body, so I'll probably develop health issues first; maybe I'll be lucky and get sick and die first. (I know: that's dark. But I actually really think that way: "lucky if I go first".)
|
|