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Post by heavyheart on Dec 27, 2017 18:41:27 GMT -5
This forum has helped me cope immensely but occasionally I fall into the depths of despair. Today is one of those days and I desperately need to vent. My hubby/refuser is typically quite affectionate as far as hugs and kisses go but nothing passionate. For over a decade we only have sex less than a handful of times a year IF THAT and only because I pursue it. He has ED and some other minor health issues but I've repeatedly told him I don't mind. There are other ways to connect and satisfy each other. I just want to feel close to him. He has sought medical help but still avoids sex. I've tried talking to him openly about how much this devastates me and he tries for a very short time but it fizzles. Oooh, the tears I have shed over this! It has just shattered me and now I find myself giving up and getting into a depressive state. The constant excuses/rejection are like a brick to the face. I am in my 40's. For Christmas he gave me pyjamas - like something a grandma would wear. I fought really hard not to burst into tears in front of him and our daughter. I don't know if I am being sensitive and overreacting but long sleeved, full coverage grey and white pyjamas? I put on a happy face and managed to entertain a house full of 20 people with no help from him. Lately I find myself turning my cheek when he leans in to kiss me on the lips. Every time he asks me why I turn my cheek I just bitterly tell him to stop with the nonsense. I am certain he knows why. The strange part is I asked if he feels any urges and he admitted he does and can successfully masturbate in the shower. I was floored! Is it me that he is not attracted to anymore? I haven't changed much in the 25 years we've been together. I am no super model but do take care of my appearance head to toe. I look younger than my age and get attention from other men. He says he is very attracted to me and is constantly telling me how pretty I am but his words and actions don't align. Perhaps he's grown weary after 25 years of marriage? I know he's not cheating but the nice looking ladies catch his eye. Is it just me? He thinks no sex between us is not a big deal. I haven't initiated at all for months and he actually seems quite happy as is. I can't even watch a movie with a man passionately kissing a woman without wanting to burst into tears. I feel such a huge void in my life. He wants the hugs and kisses but no sex. So no sex is okay but if I turn my cheek he gets miffed? How could he be so oblivious? I can't figure out what is going on in his head...maybe I shouldn't bother anymore?
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 27, 2017 19:36:38 GMT -5
At least you have some insight into what might be going on but let me give you a male perspective, or this males perspective. There are a myriad of ways to engage in sexual behavior, but I remember when younger it didn't matter to me how skilled my partner was at blowjobs or if she liked anal on a regular basis. I found cumming in a woman's vagina the most satisfying, and that is where I most often wanted to finish. If your H is like me perhaps not being able to enjoy PIV sex is behind his lack of enthusiasm. He may enjoy oral but it might not really gratify him psychologically or emotionally satisfy his need to know he can perform what should be simple copulation with you. You say he tries but it fizzles. After repeated failures he may have simply given up on himself. Rather than get you worked up and then not be able to take care of business he has chosen not to go there. Erections are very much a mindset in a male. It doesn't take much to deflate one if performance doubts are present. It's just speculation on my part but he may actually think he is taking the high ground, not starting something he may not be able to finish.
On a side note if pills are not generally effective then perhaps he should consult with a urologist. There are penile injections that are more effective if the urologist determines he is a good candidate for treatment. Of coarse he has to want to engage intimately with you.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2017 22:28:59 GMT -5
heavyheart, It's not you. If I had to guess, I'd put my money on pornography. Something drives him to prefer the fantasy he uses for masturbation over an actual dedicated loving spouse. You're not the first woman here to describe this phenomenon. A man with an attractive, loving wife and enough health to masturbate regularly, but no interest in the real relationship. He has a problem. Some kind of addiction. Something preventing him from being present enough to engage.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 27, 2017 22:35:47 GMT -5
heavyheart, I empathize with your pain and frustration, but not a lot of sympathy for his behavior. What little you've shared strikes me as "he can't be bothered" when it comes to things important only to you. Only you can evaluate if that's a broader theme. PJs... slightly better than a gift card, in that a little bit of effort was made. But not a lot of thought or consideration for your likes. Is he that out of tune with your interests and activities? Heck, in desperate times there are 100's of deals on Groupon.com for activities that can be purchased without leaving one's recliner, and they at least have the prospect of being interesting / new / different, and not necessarily expensive. Being thoughtful isn't hard. Mind you, I've done PJs before, but they weren't like you describe! More significantly on the effort front, his behavior is a stark contrast to a friend I visited today. My friend also has an ED problem, and Viagra doesn't work for his condition. Did he give up? Hell no. He found a solution that works well - one that requires injecting his penis with a hypodermic needle. Holy crap! And he's happy to do it! *That's* the kind of follow-through a guy will have if he wants sex.
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Post by M2G on Dec 27, 2017 23:51:06 GMT -5
heavyheart - PJ's make me instantly suspicious that he doesn't want to see you naked. Why, we can only speculate, but I would doubt strongly its because he doesn't think you're attractive or why bother covering. Bizarre. I got nothing except maybe he's self shamed by not being able to complete the act so is going for avoidance? Here, we both sleep naked but not at the same time, however we're taking pains not to be seen. Its like we turned into strangers in that way. Really sucks. Anyway, I hear you on the "happy couple remorse." I went through a period like that a couple weeks ago. It was very hard to shake off but can be done.
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Post by james on Dec 28, 2017 4:01:57 GMT -5
heavyheart, I am sorry to hear about the pain that your SM is causing you. Also, it has been going on in an unresolved way for quite a long time- I just checked out your thread of May, 2016, that is nearly two years ago and nothing has changed. One thing that I believe about SM: if it is painful now, that means that it will not stop being painful in the future- you won't get used to it. And if your husband is not helping you with it at all, then your love for him will drain away, gradually, until there is none left. And at that point, if there is still no change in his behaviour, then you will want to leave, and there is a danger that you may regret not doing that sooner. Have you allowed your mind to play around with the idea of leaving him and finding someone else? I really don't like to see people this miserable and unhappy. Hugs, James.
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Post by orangepeel on Dec 28, 2017 5:53:43 GMT -5
He wants to fuck you, but this is outranked by performance anxiety. That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and drives him to the shower, where it’s safe.
He’s too ashamed and humiliated to try.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 28, 2017 9:28:10 GMT -5
Why this is matters little if he has no desire to change things (or even recognize the problem).
Don't beat yourself up over it. It sounds like it's him and not you.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 28, 2017 10:12:55 GMT -5
Has he gone to a doctor to get help with his ED? If he hasn’t or hasn’t followed his doctor’s directions then he doesn’t give a damn. If he cared, nothing would stop him from getting help and following it. My ex had some performance probs and I was patient, thinking he was too shy to get help. Like you, I told my ex that I had patience and would help. When I finally got fed up and asked for a divorce, it ended up he had been having sex with a much younger woman and even was supporting her toddler whom he thought he had fathered (dna test proved he didn’t).
My advice is get out and don’t look back.
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Post by wastedyears on Dec 28, 2017 13:45:02 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My situation is eerily similar. My H also gets performance anxiety, and will sometimes lose his erection as soon as he penetrates me. He can masterbate just fine. He says that it is not my fault, but does not seem open to doing other things (except for asking for the occasional blow job, which just leaves me frustrated when he doesn't reciprocate). He has low self esteem and doesn't feel that he is good at it, even though I assure him otherwise. Even though I know the reason, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't try. I'm pretty sure he has a porn addiction but he denies it. His performance anxiety does go away if he drinks enough.
Unfortunately, after 19 years of this I am no longer willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am planning to move on. I sincerely hope that your H is more willing than mine to address the issue and try to change. I hope that he listens and cares when you tell him the pain that this causes you. I wish you all the best, good luck!!
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listedship
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by listedship on Dec 28, 2017 18:44:54 GMT -5
Hi heavyheart, I am sad to hear of your situation and feel sad and sorry for you. I am sad this has been going on for so long. I would tend to agree with what many of the members before me have said - he either suffers from a porn addiction, or he may have found someone else. It is hard to decide to accept your situation, then decide how you want it to change, and what that means. The Holidays always seem to make a SM even harder for those of us being denied. It is easy to watch the movies, see our friends, and dream about what we could have.
It sounds as if he is communicating with you, and willing to be honest - that is something you are fortunate to have. Not all of us have a denier who is willing to be honest about reality. My denier tries to continuously remind me of "how great our marriage is", then shun the discussion of denying.
I hope the best for you, that something will change the way you would like. Best of luck!
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 28, 2017 19:38:38 GMT -5
“Unfortunately, after 19 years of this I am no longer willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am planning to move on.”
You used the wrong word. It’s “fortunate” that you no longer are in denial about the dead state of the sexual aspect of your marriage. It’s fortunate that you are letting go of a dead marriage and are choosing to make space for the kind of love you desire and deserve.
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Post by takestwototango on Dec 30, 2017 17:58:50 GMT -5
This forum has helped me cope immensely but occasionally I fall into the depths of despair. Today is one of those days and I desperately need to vent. My hubby/refuser is typically quite affectionate as far as hugs and kisses go but nothing passionate. For over a decade we only have sex less than a handful of times a year IF THAT and only because I pursue it. He has ED and some other minor health issues but I've repeatedly told him I don't mind. There are other ways to connect and satisfy each other. I just want to feel close to him. He has sought medical help but still avoids sex. I've tried talking to him openly about how much this devastates me and he tries for a very short time but it fizzles. Oooh, the tears I have shed over this! It has just shattered me and now I find myself giving up and getting into a depressive state. The constant excuses/rejection are like a brick to the face. I am in my 40's. For Christmas he gave me pyjamas - like something a grandma would wear. I fought really hard not to burst into tears in front of him and our daughter. I don't know if I am being sensitive and overreacting but long sleeved, full coverage grey and white pyjamas? I put on a happy face and managed to entertain a house full of 20 people with no help from him. Lately I find myself turning my cheek when he leans in to kiss me on the lips. Every time he asks me why I turn my cheek I just bitterly tell him to stop with the nonsense. I am certain he knows why. The strange part is I asked if he feels any urges and he admitted he does and can successfully masturbate in the shower. I was floored! Is it me that he is not attracted to anymore? I haven't changed much in the 25 years we've been together. I am no super model but do take care of my appearance head to toe. I look younger than my age and get attention from other men. He says he is very attracted to me and is constantly telling me how pretty I am but his words and actions don't align. Perhaps he's grown weary after 25 years of marriage? I know he's not cheating but the nice looking ladies catch his eye. Is it just me? He thinks no sex between us is not a big deal. I haven't initiated at all for months and he actually seems quite happy as is. I can't even watch a movie with a man passionately kissing a woman without wanting to burst into tears. I feel such a huge void in my life. He wants the hugs and kisses but no sex. So no sex is okay but if I turn my cheek he gets miffed? How could he be so oblivious? I can't figure out what is going on in his head...maybe I shouldn't bother anymore? I don't even get the hugs and kisses anymore, after less than 2 yrs of marriage. He says he doesn't masturbate, but who knows. He also said he never gets a boner when he wakes up, but I know that's a lie. Not surprised since lying has become his favorite game these days. My husband is a very good-looking man, so I know he wouldn't have a problem finding someone. The hardest thing for me is just knowing he doesn't find me fuckable anymore, and I'm sure no one else will, so I can't stand the thought of him fucking someone else. However, I have found myself trying to avoid the morning bs of kissing him goodbye and telling him I love him. I just don't see the use in trying anymore.
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Post by baza on Dec 30, 2017 22:18:11 GMT -5
Since May 2016 (your first story) nothing seems to have changed, except you are 1 year, 7 months + a few days older Sister heavyheart . During that period, your options haven't changed, and by December 2018, those options will still not have changed. The only "change" over which you have control and could put into effect is a revision to your present choice to stay. The other matters - your spouses behaviour, your spouses attitude, your spouses disengagement are matters completely out of your control. And - you are not obligated to do anything. Staying is as legitimate a choice as either of the other 2 choices. But if you are staying, then there is not much point in continuing to take his inventory, that'll just drive you nuts. Key is, if you can accept the situation *without resentment*. Most people eventually can't - and that necessitates making a different choice.
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Post by M2G on Dec 31, 2017 6:18:06 GMT -5
Performance anxiety can drive itself: once it happens then fear of it happening again can make it a certainty. In my case, once I got the feeling/message that I was getting duty sex sent the ole' boy into hiding - yet still going solo was not a problem. End of day though, heavyheart - you can only be supportive. The solution has to come via your H and if he's unwilling to address the issue, well - there are the familiar list of options.
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