As we were visiting family and friends yesterday on Christmas, I had so many thoughts running through my mind, I wanted to share them with you.
As we approach our 30th anniversary, through the years, I did my best to meet all of my wife's needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in a non-sexual way but it didn't change her rejections when I wanted to be intimate with her. I hinted and prodded...still rejected. In about the 12th year of our sexless marriage, I started searching the internet and found the term "sexless marriage". I learned about a website called Experience Project (the forerunner to this group) and the subsection called "I Live in A Sexless Marriage". I was shocked to learn of so many married men AND women who were suffering and feeling the very SAME things I was. I was in tears reading story after story because I could identify with so much of it. All I wanted was a wife that desired me and wanted to have sex with me and be intimate. Still the rejections continued.
My wife has kept me starved and craving for sexual intimacy. She ignores my pleas and neglects my need for her love. I feel that physical intimacy and the sexual relationship is sharing the deep sense of love, two lives, blending, uniting and bonding in the most wonderful way together. It is so very much more than for reproduction. It is not for the same reasons that animals do it. There is such a wonderful, emotional sharing between two souls who make love together. I think there is a experience of love in the physical intimacy that transcends the physical pleasure that is shared. And my wife's rejection has crushed my soul. No amount of explanation for the past 18 years seems to get through to her. Most people want to love and be blessed by being loved. Nothing can compare to the love between a man and woman who love each other and enjoy expressing love as well as receiving love from one another. Unfortunately for me and many other men AND women, my spouse loves me as SHE defines love and ignores my pleas and explanations. She remains clueless to this day and I continue in my daily struggle with resentment and bitterness.
The desire to unite my heart and soul with my wife's is the height of the love expression. The rejection of that desire cuts deep into my soul. A wife OR husband who does not understand this, does not understand the damage she or he is inflicting on their husband or wife and on their marriage. She or He is being cruel to the person they are supposed to be loving to. My wife's No are for many reasons:
"Not tonight, maybe tomorrow"
"I'm too tired"
"I have too many things on my mind"
etc. etc. etc.
I don't want to ask again and again and risk rejection, but I don't want to accept abstinence either. I can't stand to hear those words "Not tonight, maybe in the morning". She should just say No!
Bitterness is unresolved hurt and anger. And a clueless rejecting husband or wife does not understand that they alone must resolve the problem of their sexless marriage. Because they are so clueless, the rejected husband or wife must bear the burden of coping with the on-going rejection and denial. And "No" always has power over "Yes" Only my wife can solve this dilemma, but she doesn't. I have withdrawn from my wife emotionally to protect myself. Up to that point I allowed her to hurt me over and over and over again. Now I must try to be decent, civil and loving, NOT FOR HER SAKE, but for mine. I do not want to be an asshole. She denies me love and refuses to nurture our relationship beyond what is important to her. I am stuck with a wife of "No". I am not the person I want to be. I cannot be free to express my feelings.
I hate myself for not being stronger to overcome my anger and bitterness, but I so desperately want to be loved by a woman who wants to love me and be loved in return. I mentioned to my wife yesterday that it has been 18 years since we have been intimate and she acted genuinely surprised? "No that's not true" she said. I asked when did she think the last time we were intimate was. After a few minutes there was no response and she started a conversation about something else. I took that as a sign of her uncaring about my thoughts and feelings. She is married. I am her husband. That's as far as she thinks about our relationship. Before her recent problems with a leg injury and the surgery she had for it last week, for me to ask for permission to be intimate would annoy her and stress her. She would know what I wanted and had been waiting for years for, or maybe she doesn't? I am cursed with a clueless wife of "No".
I could easily walk away from this relationship with a blink of the eye. But at the moment, the financial cost and almost impossible recovery from it would only make my life worse, not better. I am constantly fighting thoughts of anger, bitterness and resentment. We live in the same house, but I've made her my roommate as much as possible. I try to be decent and dutiful as a husband but I keep my distance. It's the curse I have to live with for now.
Admittedly, I do love her, but not enough to override my anger for all the misery she's subjected me to. I feel guilty because I don't want to hate my wife. But I hate the feeling of being rejected. I hate being trapped in a sexless marriage with a clueless wife. She is clueless about the damage she is causing to me and our marriage. I hinted, I suggested, I asked, I begged and I pleaded but the answer was the same; "No". She always had excuses, but the bottom line was "No". The promise of "tonight" or "tomorrow morning" never happened.
This is not love. It is the only path offered by a wife of "No".
There are only 2 courses of action to resolve this:
1. SHE has to initiate a love cycle of 'Yes" and bring to an end the rejection cycle. But sadly, after 18 years of rejection, I struggle to even ask my wife again. But if I'm ever brave enough to ask again and the answer is "No". please initiate intimacy as soon as you can. Don't make me ask again. Because I will NEVER EVER ASK AGAIN!, then comes the next action.
2. Divorce because NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE, and the only hope to one day having an opportunity to bond with love and intimacy to another woman who wants and desires my love and who feels the very same way about me.
I hope 2018 will bring us all love, and intimacy in the most wonderful ways that we desire and deserve. I truly care about each of you on here. We share the pain together, but WE ARE NOT ALONE AS LONG AS WE ARE HERE TOGETHER!!!