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Post by warmways on Dec 25, 2017 16:30:51 GMT -5
I just want to be on my own no matter how bad it would be but how can I extricate from 17 years where I was conforming and accommodating in order to keep the peace changing into something ultimately untenable . A marriage without love peace sex and reciprocity? No give and take. I may have stayed past the point of return. It could be too late, and now His health is failing and I don’t want to abandon him I spent too much time chasing the whys and “scented candles”and therapy and trying to make the marriage work on my own and being an advocate. I created this entrenchment and the granite walls I built may be too daunting. Or I could just let go. Just forgive myself and walk away slowing unwinding the massive tangled ball of yarn.
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Post by M2G on Dec 25, 2017 17:22:38 GMT -5
These things seem always a massive entanglement. Mine for example is 37 years in the making, SM for over 6 years.
Leaving a spouse in poor health is a foggy entanglement for sure, don't know what to say there. On my side, W hasn't worked since 95. Also sticky, even though the choice was hers.
My 1st step is to consult a lawyer. Most will do a first consult no charge and I plan to consult several this week. A good start, and you haven't committed yourself to do anything except gathering info. Maybe you will find a way to start untangling things.
Good luck and best wishes.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 25, 2017 19:28:21 GMT -5
warmways - I was with my Ex for 25 years, married the last 17 of them. Seek a therapist to get clarity (not to fix him, or the marriage- you can’t do the first & you can’t do the second solo) and a lawyer to get information. Then you could make better decisions. I left my marriage after the prostate cancer diagnosis & serious treatment. It was right before the time that cells maybe would begin coming back. I knew that if I stayed and that reappearance began, I would feel “stuck” & unable to leave during that process. I got out while I could. I’ve been gone for about 2 yrs, & I’ve not gotten any health news from him (that is normal, to me, & I really wouldn’t expect to hear). Good luck with decisions- they are yours to make, & yours alone.
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Post by warmways on Dec 25, 2017 20:05:29 GMT -5
Thank you GeekGoddess andM2G. GG, I have a therapist but I need to go more often and M2G, I did see a lawyer one time and she’s there when I need her. My friend was saying to detach with love and love yourself first and that I still can leave which I know deep down I can it’s just getting out of my uncomfortable comfort zone. It’s me and me alone who can make a change.
Good luck, M2G with your lawyer consults this week. 🍀🌟🙂
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 25, 2017 22:26:54 GMT -5
warmways, it's an oversimplification, but you don't have to be married to be supportive. As Baza points out, all marriages end, whether though death or divorce. If you keeled over tomorrow, he'd find a way to cope because he'd have to. The biggest obstacle is probably dealing with your own guilt over the decision - that's one to work through with your therapist.
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Post by emptynside on Dec 26, 2017 6:33:02 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of your pain and hurt. I too struggle with hope in the situation. I am sensing what is making it more difficult right now is that you are the only one trying to work on the marriage where he is sitting on the fence watching life go by and is not jumping in. I think this is the most frustrating issue in therapy is that, yes, there is much that we can work on ourselves, but if every single instance in trying to get closer to one's spouse is rejected or not even acknowledged, there is no hope. Hope only comes when too are willing to work together, but he cannot be forced, just as I cannot make my wife change. I can change my attitudes but I cannot change them. But you still need hope.... Your in a difficult place. I hope you find some new hope and energy soon
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Post by h on Dec 26, 2017 7:02:10 GMT -5
Be Physically Affectionate and Intimate.This includes sex, but is not limited to just sex. Any physical touching or gesturing triggers our bodies to produce and release oxytocin. This hormone is sometimes referred to as the “love hormone” because of the good feelings it gives you. This will draw the two of you closer to each other, strengthening your bond. We all need a willing partner for that...
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Post by M2G on Dec 26, 2017 9:32:59 GMT -5
Thank you GeekGoddess andM2G. GG, I have a therapist but I need to go more often and M2G, I did see a lawyer one time and she’s there when I need her. My friend was saying to detach with love and love yourself first and that I still can leave which I know deep down I can it’s just getting out of my uncomfortable comfort zone. It’s me and me alone who can make a change. Good luck, M2G with your lawyer consults this week. 🍀🌟🙂 It's been said that you can't really love anyone else unless you love yourself first, and I wholly believe that. It's a major part of the work I'm doing now. TY on the lawyer - waiting or a callback. Likely it will come some time when W is in the room Also new development - W acting weird all day yesterday, then later stops everything after dinner and says (paraphrased) - The problem is that I don't trust you, with all the drunken yelling over the years (as I bit my tongue on commenting on hers) but you've been getting a lot better lately but it's going to take time. Well - I can live with that.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 12:02:55 GMT -5
I just want to be on my own no matter how bad it would be but how can I extricate from 17 years where I was conforming and accommodating in order to keep the peace changing into something ultimately untenable . A marriage without love peace sex and reciprocity? No give and take. I may have stayed past the point of return. It could be too late, and now His health is failing and I don’t want to abandon him I spent too much time chasing the whys and “scented candles”and therapy and trying to make the marriage work on my own and being an advocate. I created this entrenchment and the granite walls I built may be too daunting. Or I could just let go. Just forgive myself and walk away slowing unwinding the massive tangled ball of yarn. Absolutely forgive yourself, for all of it. I believe we each chose our situations because we had something to learn about ourselves or others. Take those lessons for the value they add to your life, to your understanding of you and what you need in order to thrive. When you're ready for something different, there will be no other choice and you'll take the leap of faith. Sometimes, a situation that doesn't appear healthy to others (or even to ourselves), is serving a purpose that we may not even be able to identify. That's OK too. As for your H's health... That's a tough one. I'm a caretaker too and would have a tough time walking away from an ill spouse. But I can share a cautionary tale from a girlfriend of mine who is now stuck caring for an ill husband who managed to alienate all his friends and family and has no way to support himself. Their home is filled with the dark energy of hatred and resentment. She wishes she had left when he was younger (her H is probably 20 years older than she is) but now it's too late. His healthcare bills now threaten to bankrupt her. It's a very sad situation. She is filled with regret and sees no way out. She won't put him on the streets and I can't say I would either. My girlfriend's constant message to me is - if you need and want to leave and you decide that's what is best for you, do it before it's too late. And I think we also need to be careful not to enable someone to damage their own health. In some cases, leaving might even give the spouse ownership of their own health and well-being. Hugs to you. This is tough. I'm right there with you. Stuck, but somehow moving forward at my own pace and trying to honor my process. As my therapist always reminds me, it takes years to extricate oneself from a difficult marriage. Looking at the membership here, even those who have left have been through those years. We'll leave when we're ready. Until then, at least we have the support of this forum to discuss these things which are taboo subjects in polite company.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 26, 2017 12:25:34 GMT -5
“annecathers said:Be Physically Affectionate and Intimate.This includes sex, but is not limited to just sex. Any physical touching or gesturing triggers our bodies to produce and release oxytocin. This hormone is sometimes referred to as the “love hormone” because of the good feelings it gives you. This will draw the two of you closer to each other, strengthening your bond.”
Anne, I notice your profile has a link to an adult toy shop and you list your birthday as Valentines Day. If you are here thinking this is a good place to sell adult toys to help people’s faltering marriages, you’re in the wrong place. This is the place of last resort for people who have tried everything including bacon scented candles like your wares.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 27, 2017 11:19:24 GMT -5
Definitely forgive yourself. That's all I got since others said everything I would have said, too. Sorry you find yourself at this cross road, but take care of yourself and try to embrace life. Wishing you the best!
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Post by warmways on Dec 28, 2017 0:16:02 GMT -5
warmways , it's an oversimplification, but you don't have to be married to be supportive. As Baza points out, all marriages end, whether though death or divorce. If you keeled over tomorrow, he'd find a way to cope because he'd have to. The biggest obstacle is probably dealing with your own guilt over the decision - that's one to work through with your therapist Thank you, Dry Creek. This* speaks to me. Yes. It boils down to some guilt. I hadn’t even fully realized that that is the biggest part of it until I read this. 🙏
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Post by warmways on Dec 28, 2017 0:18:23 GMT -5
Definitely forgive yourself. That's all I got since others said everything I would have said, too. Sorry you find yourself at this cross road, but take care of yourself and try to embrace life. Wishing you the best! *thanks!! Forgiving is a tough one for me and so this really helps. 💛 😀
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Post by warmways on Dec 28, 2017 0:21:48 GMT -5
I just want to be on my own no matter how bad it would be but how can I extricate from 17 years where I was conforming and accommodating in order to keep the peace changing into something ultimately untenable . A marriage without love peace sex and reciprocity? No give and take. I may have stayed past the point of return. It could be too late, and now His health is failing and I don’t want to abandon him I spent too much time chasing the whys and “scented candles”and therapy and trying to make the marriage work on my own and being an advocate. I created this entrenchment and the granite walls I built may be too daunting. Or I could just let go. Just forgive myself and walk away slowing unwinding the massive tangled ball of yarn. Absolutely forgive yourself, for all of it. I believe we each chose our situations because we had something to learn about ourselves or others. Take those lessons for the value they add to your life, to your understanding of you and what you need in order to thrive. When you're ready for something different, there will be no other choice and you'll take the leap of faith. Sometimes, a situation that doesn't appear healthy to others (or even to ourselves), is serving a purpose that we may not even be able to identify. That's OK too. As for your H's health... That's a tough one. I'm a caretaker too and would have a tough time walking away from an ill spouse. But I can share a cautionary tale from a girlfriend of mine who is now stuck caring for an ill husband who managed to alienate all his friends and family and has no way to support himself. Their home is filled with the dark energy of hatred and resentment. She wishes she had left when he was younger (her H is probably 20 years older than she is) but now it's too late. His healthcare bills now threaten to bankrupt her. It's a very sad situation. She is filled with regret and sees no way out. She won't put him on the streets and I can't say I would either. My girlfriend's constant message to me is - if you need and want to leave and you decide that's what is best for you, do it before it's too late. And I think we also need to be careful not to enable someone to damage their own health. In some cases, leaving might even give the spouse ownership of their own health and well-being. Hugs to you. This is tough. I'm right there with you. Stuck, but somehow moving forward at my own pace and trying to honor my process. As my therapist always reminds me, it takes years to extricate oneself from a difficult marriage. Looking at the membership here, even those who have left have been through those years. We'll leave when we're ready. Until then, at least we have the support of this forum to discuss these things which are taboo subjects in polite company.
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Post by warmways on Dec 28, 2017 0:30:04 GMT -5
Elle, I agree with every single word. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. My therapist says the same. A big turning point recently has been a shift in me from resentment blame and guilt and depression towards myself for being in this entanglement to just taking a leap of faith in my mind that I do have choices and that I can extricate from it in a steady thoughtful way.
I’m with you too. Hugs back to you and be gentle towards yourself. My therapist said “We can have compassion and love for someone without taking in all their pain and problems. Those are their problems and no one else’s. We have our own.
That helped me and maybe others who tend to get overly empathetic or at least take on another’s pain/ not keepin* good boundaries: (me)!
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