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Post by recycled on Dec 21, 2017 2:23:29 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
I could probably write a 10 page novella regarding all the ways that both my husband and I are FUBAR in the head lately, but for now I thought I’d ask...have any of you ever created a fully fictional online life to deal with the rejection your spouse gave you, knowing initially it’s fake, but then realized you were actually developing the feelings of your online persona? In short, after 3 years of no sex in 5 years of marriage, I contacted an ex (THE ex actually, the one most of us have, the one I probably never fully got over but broke my heart) and discovered that he’s missed me all these years, just like I always missed him. I’ve been dating/married to my spouse for 15 years, and never contacted this ex until about 7 months ago, despite his attempts to contact me starting about 10 years prior. My spouse is so much more stable in so many ways than this ex ever was... but I don’t think he cares at all about sex, or at least his Catholic upbringing has guilted him into feeling it’s dirty if it is not leading to procreation. Also, he tends to quit jobs frequently, and without my input since we got married 5 years ago, which led to a lot of resentment on my part.
But I ended up lying to this ex and telling him I got divorced...I don’t even know exactly why. It just felt good to entertain the possibility of freedom, I guess? He doesn’t live by me and is like 1500 miles away, so at first it felt like a game...but the kicker is that, when I talk to him, I feel the exact same way I did 20 years ago...alive and excited. I would have married him back then, had he asked, but he was younger than me, and as many young men in their first real relationships do, freaked out. He tells me it’s his biggest regret, not asking me to marry him then.
I’m really starting to hate me, because I’ve never cheated on anyone, and typically don’t lie....and now I’m doing all these things in tandem. When I try to talk to the spouse about the sex life, he just tells me he can’t bear to have sex with me b/c he gained a lot of weight (which is true, but I honestly don’t care, I still find him attractive because despite this other crap, I do love him.) If I think back though, he’s always been weird about sex...I have always had a much higher drive than him, and always want to try things, like oral, that grosses him out. That’s my bad.
I think I know I should not be with either of these guys, but i’m feeling like I love them both; and I guess I just wanted to vent. This forum has been so amazing..I never realized men could also be the refusers until I found you all. It doesn’t excuse my own behavior..i guess I just realize now that being refused for so long has hurt me more than I thought.
happy holidays to you all, may we all find some happiness and stability. Thanks for listening.
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Post by baza on Dec 21, 2017 3:26:41 GMT -5
One thing you can be pretty sure about. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage where even something as simple as sex is an issue, your head is going to be done in, your thinking is going to go haywire and your ability to make sound objective choices will be severely compromised. And all that will recycle through the loop for another lap of the dysfunctional track. And deeper and deeper the hole gets. Give yourself a break Sister recycled . At some point, you are going to stop the bullshit. First, with yourself. Then with your spouse. Then with this other bloke. But that point isn't today. Take a break, think it through. If you can swing it, get away all by yourself for a while and be uncontactable
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Post by james on Dec 21, 2017 4:02:59 GMT -5
You imply that your husband doesn't know about this, recycled ? Two years into my SM deal, that is 8 years ago, I had an emotional, non-physical affair with a work colleague. My W found out about it and the whole thing turned into a huge f*** up. I regret it hugely, and won't do it again. Many people on this site recommend, and I agree, that you it is best to sort out what is happening between self and spouse first. Any kind of affair is only likely to be a distraction from doing this and a risk that could badly blow things up for you (what would your Catholic husband say if he found out?). My feeling about outsourcing is that it is best done with the knowledge and agreement of your partner. There are people on this site who have arranged it that way. Ultimately, my feeling is that although all of us here have been landed a rough deal with our iliasm shitholes, if you can still manage to live truthfully, then it is still possible, just, to look at yourself in the mirror every day while you figure out what to do.
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Post by M2G on Dec 21, 2017 6:00:46 GMT -5
Hi recycled - very sorry to hear about your 3 years of neglect. Given that, your state of mind and using fantasy as an emotional crutch is completely understandable. My advice is to be totally honest with your ex. Bad enough you've got one FUBAR situation to deal with, no need to make it two. If you do end up pursuing your ex as an LDR, don't you think it would be better if you had at least one relationship based on honesty? I agree with Baza and James: take a bit of time by yourself, and think about your own wants and needs before you entertain ideas of outsourcing either emotionally or physically. I'm not against outsourcing by any means but, if you feel that's the way to go, it may be better to have some truth in the outsourced relationship - lest you risk even more emotional turmoil for both yourself and your ex/LDR that isn't fair to him. Keep the stress where it belongs, with your refusing H. PS: Using the Bible to justify spousal sexual neglect is bullshit. The Bible is chock full of admonitions about sex between H & W being both important and sacred - nowhere does it advocate sexual neglect within a marriage.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 21, 2017 6:46:04 GMT -5
Good morning, recycled, and welcome to the club. Most importantly, I do not see anything about you having kids. If this is the case, I highly recommend that you do what you can to avoid getting pregnant. Having kids is a wonderful thing, except that it creates just one more reason to stay trapped in your sexless marriage. You need to sort through both of these relationships. Figure out how you are going to be honest with your LDR. You cannot base a healthy relationship on lies, and sooner or later he will find out. Also, figure out how you will end the marriage that is not and will not meet your needs.
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Post by recycled on Dec 21, 2017 10:25:33 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the replies . A few bits of info...we don’t have any kids, and no, my husband isn’t aware of the other relationship. I agree with those who said that I need to be honest with the LDR b/c this isn’t fair to him at all. I hate hurting people, but it seems now I’ll be hurting three (if you include me.)
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Post by M2G on Dec 21, 2017 12:32:31 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the replies . A few bits of info...we don’t have any kids, and no, my husband isn’t aware of the other relationship. I agree with those who said that I need to be honest with the LDR b/c this isn’t fair to him at all. I hate hurting people, but it seems now I’ll be hurting three (if you include me.) Hurting you, is what was done to you - not your fault. That's a problem for many (myself included): "Why Chasing" - trying to think what you may have done to deserve such treatment, and why you're being treated as a roommate instead of a romantic partner. What did I do to alienate my spouse? What could I have done differently and on and on. He doesn't want to fuck you anymore. It's his issue, not yours. Yours is to figure out what to do about it: Celibacy, Outsourcing, or Leaving. The past is dead. The present is what you need to deal with, in order to have a better, happier future. Hurts - well hell yeah. Get mad if you want to - but if you do, use that energy with a clear head and think through what you want to do next.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 21, 2017 13:33:34 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the replies . A few bits of info...we don’t have any kids, and no, my husband isn’t aware of the other relationship. I agree with those who said that I need to be honest with the LDR b/c this isn’t fair to him at all. I hate hurting people, but it seems now I’ll be hurting three (if you include me.) None of us like hurting people, and I have a theory that that is how we find ourselves in these messes in the first place, and we spend a lot more energy trying to resolve them than we ever spent getting into them. You will still be hurting three people if you stay in the current situation. The situation with your LDR will not stay as it is. I know from experience. If he wants to come visit, he will find a way. Plane tickets are cheap.
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Post by recycled on Dec 21, 2017 14:17:25 GMT -5
You will still be hurting three people if you stay in the current situation. The situation with your LDR will not stay as it is. I know from experience. If he wants to come visit, he will find a way. Plane tickets are cheap. I totally agree; it was this topic that actually led me to post (though I had thought about posting in the past about the SM issue) since I know I’m already hurting him in the current situation. Maybe just admitting it out loud to you guys will help me admit it to him.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 21, 2017 19:57:27 GMT -5
You will still be hurting three people if you stay in the current situation. The situation with your LDR will not stay as it is. I know from experience. If he wants to come visit, he will find a way. Plane tickets are cheap. I totally agree; it was this topic that actually led me to post (though I had thought about posting in the past about the SM issue) since I know I’m already hurting him in the current situation. Maybe just admitting it out loud to you guys will help me admit it to him. It may. At this point, you can figure out how to break it to him, and when. Do you want to decide and begin taking legal action on your current situation first, or just confess you are in a mess and your online persona was a coping mechanism that got out of control? Either way, I hope he is understanding. As I was coming to grips with my situation, I looked up that special girlfriend I never quite got over. I found her, but we never talked, never chatted, so I have no idea how understanding she would have been. She committed suicide twenty years ago.
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Post by recycled on Dec 22, 2017 0:54:42 GMT -5
It may. At this point, you can figure out how to break it to him, and when. Do you want to decide and begin taking legal action on your current situation first, or just confess you are in a mess and your online persona was a coping mechanism that got out of control? Either way, I hope he is understanding. As I was coming to grips with my situation, I looked up that special girlfriend I never quite got over. I found her, but we never talked, never chatted, so I have no idea how understanding she would have been. She committed suicide twenty years ago. I’m sorry to hear that, Iron. Even when this guy and I weren’t talking, I’d think about him now and then, hoping he had a good life. It would be hard to have learned otherwise as in your case. I’m not even sure what I want, honestly. Maybe baza was right about needing a break just with me. It’s been quite a tumultuous few years ...I took a high level vp role, the youngest at my company for said role, moved all the way across country, then got laid off within 7 months, along with my whole team due to a merger. The hubby loves where we are, he says, but has had about 3 jobs in 3 years (he quits them all, never gets fired), leaving me to pay the expenses in a high col area (thankfully I am now employed again). Before we moved here, we were both healthy, energetic, and had an at least regular sex life (though since I’m spilling my guts to you, he’s never been the type to initiate or try new things, and I think he has quite a porn habit.) He just seems like a different person...feuding with his family, diagnosed himself with a very specific personality disorder, gained 100 lbs, and recently quit showering. He is still really affectionate in other ways though...always wants to cuddle at bedtime, listens to my day, takes care of me when I’m sick, tells me I’m the best thing in his life. We were always one of those couples others seemed to marvel at...a lot of shared interests, never really tired of each other intellectually, etc. I hate to see him like this. This other guy...we always had passion, spark..he is also extremely intelligent, but we really don’t have much in common otherwise. Plus, besides me, he’s only had one other longish relationship (6 months, he and I dated 5 years.) He never got married (we’re all late 30’s)...he and I both came from pretty dysfunctional families. Oddly, my husband is from a loving family (though they do have some religious hang ups and don’t like the fact that he now proclaims to be an atheist.) I’m seriously rambling, but I think to answer your question...I just need to come clean with the ex first. I think he probably won’t forgive me, at least for a long while, but I hate lying to him. I’m also starting to realize I probably don’t fit well with either of them, even though I feel like I love them both.
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Post by orangepeel on Dec 22, 2017 7:46:56 GMT -5
Go easy on yourself. The emotional situation with which you’ve been landed - which you didn’t ask for - has wounded you. To heal, you’ve kind of outsourced yourself psychologically, living an exciting scenario which at the very least has potential. In this way you’re giving your true self the hope you’ve been deprived of in the ‘real’ world.
Whatever you do (or don’t do), don’t beat yourself up for the crime of trying to get by.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 22, 2017 7:57:37 GMT -5
Amen. You are doing what you need to do to stay sane in a crazy situation, half of which you did not ask for.
Take some time to sort it out and decide what you want, and what is realistic.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 22, 2017 8:09:07 GMT -5
“ I’m also starting to realize I probably don’t fit well with either of them, even though I feel like I love them both. “
Probably true that your ex isn’t a great fit or he wouldn’t be an ex. Meanwhile it’s obvious that your husband isn’t a good fit either. The ex is also right now just a fantasy. You don’t really know him or how much he has changed or isn’t revealing about his life.
It can be tempting to find a new love as a way to leave a bad marriage. But as you are seeing, that brings its own problems.
Better to focus on yourself by using therapy, a support group like this, journaling or other means to get a clear view of your life and what you want and what actions you can take to give yourself more of what you want. Keep in mind that you can’t change your husband or get him to enjoy sex with you. You are not compatible that way. You can choose to find a way to be content in a sm or you can outsource or divorce.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 22, 2017 8:54:47 GMT -5
I think you need to fess up with Ex & explain it just how you did here. I don’t know why I lied about divorce except that I kinda wish it were true. Take a break (but I say, keep in touch if that’s feasible). Get counseling to gain clarity. Your H sounds erratic. You can’t change that. What you can do is change your circumstance. But right now, clearing up emotional chaos will already take some work on your part. When you have some clarity, based on honesty with self & honest communication with the others involved, then you can make some decisions about what to do next. Welcome to the club no one wanted to qualify for. Good luck navigating.
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