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Post by mescaline on Dec 24, 2017 11:24:04 GMT -5
How often? Once every 6 to 12 months I think. Though i haven't really ever explained the depth of my feelings in detail. It's something I feel I need to do before dropping the separation bomb.
Just struggling with the words now it's such a big elephant in the room. Really need to avoid the coercion thing, guilt tripping etc. That's the thing that paralyses my mind!
I guess my wife could tell from my behaviour that I'm unhappy, but can't be sure of that given her upbringing.
Difficult times are ahead for sure.
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Post by M2G on Dec 24, 2017 16:39:33 GMT -5
Its only coercion if you threaten to leave if she doesn't want sex with you
You are saying you are leaving now because she doesn't want sex with you. That's not coercion, that's a fact.
Be ready to walk out the door immediately, no matter what she says. If you don't she'll never take you seriously again.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 30, 2017 2:00:32 GMT -5
"Its only coercion if you threaten to leave if she doesn't want sex with you"
I refer my honourable friend to the DARVO thread! You're right though, and it is a threat I would never make, the interpretation of what I say can often be different to the words that come out of my mouth. Another problem in my marriage. Could well be even bigger than the sexless aspect to it.
It is all by-the-by at present anyway, I'm not ready to leave emotionally, financially or morally. Yet. The truth is dawning on me slowly though, and as the scales fall I probably won't be able to deny the reality much longer.
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Post by takestwototango on Dec 30, 2017 8:58:06 GMT -5
I used to bring it up quite often - at least once a week. But now, I just hint around and he rolls his eyes. It's like talking to a brick wall anymore. I'm just so tired of him not hearing me.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 30, 2017 10:32:57 GMT -5
Takes3,
Why bother talking about is over and over since he’s obviously not interested. He daily is demonstrating lack of interest but you aren’t listening to him. He isn’t going to become what you want. Only way you will get good sex is from another person.
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Post by takestwototango on Dec 30, 2017 17:28:05 GMT -5
northstarmom , you are probably correct, but I'm trying not to give up all hope just yet. However, I am prepared to get divorced if he is unwilling to put some of my needs first. Counseling for me starts next week, so I'm going to work on myself to start.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 18, 2018 23:25:55 GMT -5
I've realized that not only do I rarely bring up our SM issues anymore (why bother?) but I rarely even bring up sex in ANY capacity anymore. Even though it is on my mind many many times a day, every day.
It never appears to be on my H's mind and if we do have a rare conversation that is about anything sexual in nature he becomes uncomfortable and tries to change the subject quickly. So I've been sparing him from that by rarely mentioning it.
But I've realized recently that I'm doing this at a detriment to myself and my own authenticity. There is so much unspoken by me in our relationship and it's slowly depleting me of what makes me, me.
So fuck that.
I've begun bringing it up again in regular conversation as NORMAL adults would. A couple examples:
- Not long ago I decided it was time for a new toy. Since he has no interest in me sexually, this really doesn't concern him, but I informed him I was going to the adult store to get myself a present so he wouldn't be confused when he saw the charge show up on our joint credit card. (His response? A quick "That's fine" with nervous laughter and a change of subject.) - Tonight we were discussing a potential remodel of the master bathroom. He described the kind of walk-in shower he'd want: beautiful tiles, glass encased, no door, multiple shower sprays... I told him I fully agree and would love that too, *IF* we were going to be having sex in it. I told him that if the sexlessness in our marriage was going to continue then I didn't want a beautiful sexy new shower like that as it would only make me sad. He was dumbfounded and said "Maybe we can work on that..." and then changed the subject. Fat chance.
So baby steps, but they make me feel good. I plan to stop censoring myself so much and pretending sex and sexuality don't exist. Just because they don't exist for him does not mean they don't exist for me.
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2018 23:49:37 GMT -5
That's a good policy I think Sister choosinghappy . Say what you mean (respectfully) and mean what you say. It's the cornerstone of working your way through this process. It will probably (actually almost certainly) provoke some conversations you'd rather not have, but if you establish your cred - that what you say you mean - it will be a tremendous asset when you get to the pointy end of this deal.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 5:41:48 GMT -5
I love how you are dealing with it, choosinghappy. Not with confrontation but with honesty and insistence that you will not sweep it under the rug to keep the peace. But it helps that your spouse wants to avoid the topic (and knows he is guilty.) For some of us, bringing it up will inevitably start a fight that will not result in any change. Most of our spouses think THEY have the moral high ground. By avoiding the fight, we keep our frustration and anger bottled up inside. Not sure which is less toxic for those of us who are not at the point of planning a divorce.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 19, 2018 7:44:07 GMT -5
For some of us, bringing it up will inevitably start a fight that will not result in any change. Most of our spouses think THEY have the moral high ground. By avoiding the fight, we keep our frustration and anger bottled up inside. Not sure which is less toxic for those of us who are not at the point of planning a divorce. Very good point. My H is definitely in a different place than many other refuser spouses here. He does not feel he has the "moral high ground". And any reminder to him that he is forcing me to be in a celibate marriage does make him feel guilt and shame. This is why I have purposely avoided adding to that by acquiescing and never mentioning sex. But in sparing him negative feelings by doing this, I am compromising myself. I am no longer willing to do that. Maybe it will help to alleviate some of my anger and frustration.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 10:34:04 GMT -5
I've realized that not only do I rarely bring up our SM issues anymore (why bother?) but I rarely even bring up sex in ANY capacity anymore. - Tonight we were discussing a potential remodel of the master bathroom. He described the kind of walk-in shower he'd want: beautiful tiles, glass encased, no door, multiple shower sprays... I told him I fully agree and would love that too, *IF* we were going to be having sex in it. I told him that if the sexlessness in our marriage was going to continue then I didn't want a beautiful sexy new shower like that as it would only make me sad. He was dumbfounded and said "Maybe we can work on that..." and then changed the subject. Fat chance. So baby steps, but they make me feel good. I plan to stop censoring myself so much and pretending sex and sexuality don't exist. Just because they don't exist for him does not mean they don't exist for me. Voice of experience coming through here! Learn from others who can say, I fell for that for way to long-don't let that continue to happen to you!. About 10 yrs ago the tiles started coming loose in our very nice sized, open master bedroom shower. I wanted duel shower heads. After it was redone and installed, It was great! Sadly that also lead to both of us could be in the shower "together" now. What do you think that lead to? More disappointment, more of me washing her down with my soapy body and getting nothing in return. Nothing during the shower, nothing that evening, NOTHING but more avoidance, and rejection. Remember all the jokes about the woman who say " I'll be ready in a minute" and it takes another half an hour? Not my STBX. Clothes on in 30 seconds and ready to run out the door or sit with the computer, and avoid intimacy.
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Post by lostintime on Jan 19, 2018 14:24:53 GMT -5
Once a week.
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Post by skguy on Jan 31, 2018 20:43:50 GMT -5
I never talk about it with my partner. I guess I brought it up years ago - and she used to apologize on occasion.
But it’s just not talked about. My wife is fairly fragile and it’s not worth getting into it.
A couple years ago I started getting really lonely. Missing intimacy, etc. I came on this site and had a wonderful online relationship, with someone wonderful. So that made feel wanted, and I loved making someone else feel special and wanted as well. So I didn’t even care anymore about discussing the elephant in the room anymore.
So I don’t even think about bringing up the subject with my wife. I realize we’re simply good friends and I guess I’ll just leave it that way. Maybe a cop out, but there has been past history that causes me to be very careful.
And also, now I’m not interested in sex with her. It’s gone too long. I don’t think I could get the feelings back. I’m also hurt because I believe my partner deserves to feel amazing- but not having her want anything makes me frustrated.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Feb 1, 2018 17:03:00 GMT -5
How often do you talk with your refuser spouse about your SM? About how unhappy you are, about what you wish your marriage was like, or suggestions for things to try to improve the situation? I’ve been thinking lately that perhaps I’m letting my H “off the hook” by almost never bringing it up. He’s in therapy trying to deal with his issues and hopefully discovering what he may or may not be capable of sexually and intimately in this marriage, and I am just allowing him this time (an undisclosed amount of time that is,) to do this. All while I just play the good little wifey and almost never bring it up so it doesn’t derail whatever progress I am just hoping he’s making. The thing is, I don’t want to upset the peace we have in our household. NO, I’m not happy with our SM -we have talked about it quite a few times - but maybe me not bringing it up regularly is making him think it’s not as big of a deal to me as it is or that it’s not hard for me every single second of the day. So how often do you bring it up? And in what form? Sit down discussions? Snide comments? Screaming fights? I’m not sure any of these would do any good for my situation at the moment beyond just making us both miserable. We never talk anymore because her reaction is so counterproductive and unbelievable that I prefer not to discuss our sexless marriage. I don't know about your musings, but if it is going to help, if there is a chance in your opinion that he will change and he is mature and able to listen to you and discuss, then it's worth it. When I used to bring it up, I'd mention that it had been awhile. At first, this kind of worked positively. When my wife and I tried therapy together, I brought it up and that was when she really went off the rails in her responses. After that, even acting like I needed it when she had not initiated started to be bad. We have had one screaming fight, lots of snide comments from her, some sit down discussions, and even written back and forth in email about it. Right now, things are getting slightly better but still don't want to broach the subject.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 12, 2018 21:27:10 GMT -5
Used to bring it up once a year. Never mattered and just made me feel worse, so I haven't brought it up in three years. Never will again.
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