|
Post by Caris on Dec 18, 2017 12:16:31 GMT -5
As the season of goodwill is upon us, and many of you face sharing the holidays with a refusing spouse, my advice to you – which may seem counter intuitive – is to do your best not to allow the “poison” of the marriage to affect your appreciation of your refuser’s gifts.
I did allow it, and though that fills me with regret now, I understand that it was out of my control because until recently I was unaware of what I was actually doing. It’s only being on the outside, with time passed, that I can now see what I did. Hindsight is amazing, when we have time to reflect.
This is my first Christmas without my husband being alive. I miss that he won’t call to tell me his gift is on the way. I regret that all the gifts he bought me, I accepted with distain, at least initially, until I realized how cool and helpful they were to me. I want to thank him for all the wonderful gifts he gave me, and how useful they were, but I can’t do that now. What I can do is share my experience with you, in the hope that sometime down the road – perhaps years from now – you won’t have regrets like me.
The most telling event to explain this is when my oldest son was visiting us for Christmas, one year. I opened a gift that I thought was from my son, and I was so moved by it, I was almost in tears. I thanked him profusely, only for him to say, “mom, that’s not from me, It’s from dad.” My whole attitude changed instantaneously. Tears dried up, my appreciation for the gift was sullied. I thanked my husband for the gift, but I never felt the same about it. The toxicity of the marriage, and how he rejected me, and hurt me with “mind games” over years had caused me to be unappreciative of the good things he gave me. I always thanked him, but sometimes, I would be thinking “what do I need this for? It’s too expensive. Why the hell did he buy me this? It wasn’t until later when I found how much I could use the gifts that I appreciated them.
I won’t beat myself up for my reactions at that time. I was in tremendous emotional pain, and didn’t know any better. You can’t change that which you are unaware of in conscious mind. A case of can’t see the woods for the trees. I will, however, take responsibility for my then attitude, now I can see it in hindsight. I can’t tell him how much I appreciate all the gifts he bought me, and how I still use most of them. Even this device I’m typing on was from him. He’s all around me. Even the car I drive. What he provided for me does not make up for all the unkindness on his part toward me, but he wasn’t all bad. He had good qualities too, just not so much directed at me.
If you can get past the pain (hard, I know, when you are in the thick of it), and appreciate your refuser for their positive traits, this Christmas, your future self will thank you for it.
Merry Christmas. 🎁🎄
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Dec 18, 2017 12:24:05 GMT -5
Very sound advice Caris - thanks for posting
|
|
|
Post by wastedyears on Dec 18, 2017 13:16:05 GMT -5
My H hasn't bought me a Christmas or birthday present (or Valentine's Day or Anniversary) in over 12 years.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Dec 18, 2017 13:35:02 GMT -5
My H hasn't bought me a Christmas or birthday present (or Valentine's Day or Anniversary) in over 12 years. Ok so no physical touch? no gifts? What are you getting out of this relationship? My husband forgot my bday in 2015 and 6 months later we were divorced.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Dec 18, 2017 13:37:39 GMT -5
Really nice message. In most cases our refusers love us to the best of their ability. It really boils down to incompatibility for most cases.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Dec 18, 2017 13:40:39 GMT -5
My H hasn't bought me a Christmas or birthday present (or Valentine's Day or Anniversary) in over 12 years. I’m sorry for that. Do you still buy him gifts and send cards? Would you like these things from your husband? After I stopped putting on a show to the outside world that we were a happy couple, I also stopped sending Anniversary and Valentine cards, including gifts for these occasions. He still sent me cards for years after I stopped, and I put them in a drawer unopened as they seemed meaningless to me, considering the toxicity of the marriage. I did buy gifts for his birthday and Christmas.
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on Dec 18, 2017 13:42:44 GMT -5
The hardest lesson for us on this forum to learn is that if we go down under bitterness, we’ll have brought it in ourselves rather than others inflicting it on us.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Dec 18, 2017 14:26:28 GMT -5
The hardest lesson for us on this forum to learn is that if we go down under bitterness, we’ll have brought it in ourselves rather than others inflicting it on us. I don’t entirly agree that we bring “bitterness,” on ourselves. It’s mostly a defense mechanism against what hurts us, and mostly (until we have done some self analysis) is subconscious. I never chose my reaction to my husband’s gifts. It was instantaneous without thought. The thoughts came after the bodily sensation/reaction. I always verbally thanked my husband for any gift he gave me, but I felt negative about the gift in the initial moments of receiving it. We react to a stimulus. Somewhere in the depths of my subconscious there was a conflict. Reason was saying, “great gifts come from someone who really cares about me.” Reality was saying, “this man hates me, (based on years of behavior), this gift is meaningless. I wasn’t aware of this at that time, this is my own take on it now, but regardless of what parts of my being were in conflict, there was mixed signals occurring in fractions of a second in my subconscious, to bring forth indignation at such hypocrisy. Again, all this analysis is post SM, not at the time. I don’t recall ever feeling bitter. Indignation, a little resentment sometimes, but mostly pain is what I felt, and for those who are bitter, it comes from deep hurts, and most are unaware of it, so although it is hard (maybe impossible sometimes), compassion is what is needed for those who are bitter. Having done some reading – and watching lectures – on neuroscience, I now understand that we don’t have as much free will as we like to think we do. It takes awareness, time, effort, and persistence to re-wire the neural pathways that developed over our lifetime. If we want to change, we have to lay down new neural pathways by constantly engaging in the new behavior or thought patterns, that keep us stuck in useless and life limiting patterns.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Dec 18, 2017 14:48:32 GMT -5
The hardest lesson for us on this forum to learn is that if we go down under bitterness, we’ll have brought it in ourselves rather than others inflicting it on us. I don’t entirly agree that we bring “bitterness,” on ourselves. It’s mostly a defense mechanism against what hurts us, and mostly (until we have done some self analysis) is subconscious. I never chose my reaction to my husband’s gifts. It was instantaneous without thought. The thoughts came after the bodily sensation/reaction. I always verbally thanked my husband for any gift he gave me, but I felt negative about the gift in the initial moments of receiving it. We react to a stimulus. Somewhere in the depths of my subconscious there was a conflict. Reason was saying, “great gifts come from someone who really cares about me.” Reality was saying, “this man hates me, (based on years of behavior), this gift is meaningless. I wasn’t aware of this at that time, this is my own take on it now, but regardless of what parts of my being were in conflict, there was mixed signals occurring in fractions of a second in my subconscious, to bring forth indignation at such hypocrisy. Again, all this analysis is post SM, not at the time. I don’t recall ever feeling bitter. Indignation, a little resentment sometimes, but mostly pain is what I felt, and for those who are bitter, it comes from deep hurts, and most are unaware of it, so although it is hard (maybe impossible sometimes), compassion is what is needed for those who are bitter. Having done some reading – and watching lectures – on neuroscience, I now understand that we don’t have as much free will as we like to think we do. It takes awareness, time, effort, and persistence to re-wire the neural pathways that developed over our lifetime. If we want to change, we have to lay down new neural pathways by constantly engaging in the new behavior or thought patterns, that keep us stuck in useless and life limiting patterns. Nail on the head, that. It takes a LOT of effort, more than I ever imagined, to effect change and undo faulty programming from whatever the source. I break it down by habits like: Today I start (not being judgmental for example) and stick with it till I become somewhat adept at it, and vigilant about breaking it - then add another and so on. It's a lifelong process. It's very easy to get derailed and fall back into old ways. All these nasty habit things, as you say, are there for a purpose - mostly to cope with whatever has harmed you, threatened you, or generally defend you from hurtful or dangerous people or situations. The problem is that, when the harmful elements or people are gone from your life the shields remain in place, to blockade even the good people, and ultimately drive them away.
|
|
|
Post by h on Dec 18, 2017 14:51:15 GMT -5
The hardest lesson for us on this forum to learn is that if we go down under bitterness, we’ll have brought it in ourselves rather than others inflicting it on us. I don’t entirly agree that we bring “bitterness,” on ourselves. It’s mostly a defense mechanism against what hurts us, and mostly (until we have done some self analysis) is subconscious. I never chose my reaction to my husband’s gifts. It was instantaneous without thought. The thoughts came after the bodily sensation/reaction. I always verbally thanked my husband for any gift he gave me, but I felt negative about the gift in the initial moments of receiving it. We react to a stimulus. Somewhere in the depths of my subconscious there was a conflict. Reason was saying, “great gifts come from someone who really cares about me.” Reality was saying, “this man hates me, (based on years of behavior), this gift is meaningless. I wasn’t aware of this at that time, this is my own take on it now, but regardless of what parts of my being were in conflict, there was mixed signals occurring in fractions of a second in my subconscious, to bring forth indignation at such hypocrisy. Again, all this analysis is post SM, not at the time. I don’t recall ever feeling bitter. Indignation, a little resentment sometimes, but mostly pain is what I felt, and for those who are bitter, it comes from deep hurts, and most are unaware of it, so although it is hard (maybe impossible sometimes), compassion is what is needed for those who are bitter. Having done some reading – and watching lectures – on neuroscience, I now understand that we don’t have as much free will as we like to think we do. It takes awareness, time, effort, and persistence to re-wire the neural pathways that developed over our lifetime. If we want to change, we have to lay down new neural pathways by constantly engaging in the new behavior or thought patterns, that keep us stuck in useless and life limiting patterns. I understand the automatic response before the thought. I'm not quite that far into it but I don't particularly get overjoyed when I get gifts from my W. Before I even open it, I already know that it's not what I really want... I go into it with the expectation that I will be disappointed because no matter how many times I tell her what I truly want, I know she would rather buy me something. What I want can't be bought in a store. It's supposed to be FREE!
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Dec 18, 2017 14:59:05 GMT -5
Sorry h but you made me think of something for the female refused:
|
|
|
Post by wastedyears on Dec 18, 2017 15:11:32 GMT -5
My H hasn't bought me a Christmas or birthday present (or Valentine's Day or Anniversary) in over 12 years. I’m sorry for that. Do you still buy him gifts and send cards? Would you like these things from your husband? After I stopped putting on a show to the outside world that we were a happy couple, I also stopped sending Anniversary and Valentine cards, including gifts for these occasions. He still sent me cards for years after I stopped, and I put them in a drawer unopened as they seemed meaningless to me, considering the toxicity of the marriage. I did buy gifts for his birthday and Christmas. I do still buy him gifts, just because I like to, not because I expect reciprocation. I asked him last year for a coat, and I told him what style and size I wanted, but assured him that whatever he got would be fine. He told me it would be better if I bought it myself. I told him that I would prefer for him to buy it for me, that way I would feel like he spent some time thinking about me. He told me he would rather not.
|
|
|
Post by wastedyears on Dec 18, 2017 15:12:32 GMT -5
My H hasn't bought me a Christmas or birthday present (or Valentine's Day or Anniversary) in over 12 years. Ok so no physical touch? no gifts? What are you getting out of this relationship? My husband forgot my bday in 2015 and 6 months later we were divorced. Good question! Besides being controlled, manipulated and rejected, not much!
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Dec 18, 2017 16:00:56 GMT -5
I’m sorry for that. Do you still buy him gifts and send cards? Would you like these things from your husband? After I stopped putting on a show to the outside world that we were a happy couple, I also stopped sending Anniversary and Valentine cards, including gifts for these occasions. He still sent me cards for years after I stopped, and I put them in a drawer unopened as they seemed meaningless to me, considering the toxicity of the marriage. I did buy gifts for his birthday and Christmas. I do still buy him gifts, just because I like to, not because I expect reciprocation. I asked him last year for a coat, and I told him what style and size I wanted, but assured him that whatever he got would be fine. He told me it would be better if I bought it myself. I told him that I would prefer for him to buy it for me, that way I would feel like he spent some time thinking about me. He told me he would rather not. He sounds like an asshole. I wouldn't spend another dime on him. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. I certainly would not buy gifts for someone that did not want to buy me gifts, the same way I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want sex with me. Time to start focusing on yourself, pampering yourself, buying yourself gifts. Maybe we need to love ourselves first so that we can understand what we deserve in a relationship. I'm actually getting back with my ex, though we won't be having sex, he is my best friend and yesterday he asked me what I want for Christmas. I told him some perfume and chocolate which has always been my go to want. He said, "no really think about something different you want this time it's going to be new and improved and better". He is trying and I appreciated the thoughtfulness. Gifts are at the bottom of my love language but for him it's higher after acts of service and quality time.
|
|
|
Post by wastedyears on Dec 18, 2017 16:22:42 GMT -5
He sounds like an asshole. I wouldn't spend another dime on him. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. I certainly would not buy gifts for someone that did not want to buy me gifts, the same way I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want sex with me. Time to start focusing on yourself, pampering yourself, buying yourself gifts. Maybe we need to love ourselves first so that we can understand what we deserve in a relationship. I'm actually getting back with my ex, though we won't be having sex, he is my best friend and yesterday he asked me what I want for Christmas. I told him some perfume and chocolate which has always been my go to want. He said, "no really think about something different you want this time it's going to be new and improved and better". He is trying and I appreciated the thoughtfulness. Gifts are at the bottom of my love language but for him it's higher after acts of service and quality time. Thank you for the advice! I am working on loving myself more and doing things for myself. I have always been kind of independent so hopefully it won't be extremely hard for me to transition when I leave. Even though you are no longer married, I think it is sweet that your x obviously still loves you and cares about you so much.
|
|