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Post by northstarmom on Dec 18, 2017 19:45:10 GMT -5
“ If you wait until the kids are in college to take action, your husband will be nearly retirement age at the point that you leave with half, probably plus ali..””
That may, however leave her in a better position financially than if she leaves earlier. Most women earn less than men because sex discrimination causes lower pay for women. Women also are more likely to accept lower paid work than they could get. They do this as a trade off: having a less demanding job gives them more flexibility in handling household responsibilities including childcare. Her taking in those responsibilities can free her husband to accept a more demanding job with higher pay.
The woman is likely to get lower social Security or pension savings. If she divorced when her kids are young having primary custody will reducer what she can take in at work and that likely will reduce what she will get in retirement.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 18, 2017 20:09:29 GMT -5
Hi, I am new here. I have been married for 7 years and been more or less in a sexless marriage for 5 years. I have addressed the issue with my husband so many times and now I just feel like a broken record. I love him but there is now so much resentment that I feel towards him that I am struggling to fight this battle. I am staying strong for our kids. I don’t know how this has happened. My husband says he has lost his sex drive but I don’t buy it. I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. However he has chosen to stay with me so he needs to make an effort. I told him that we can carry on living together for the sake of our kids but I will not allow any intimacy, that way I don’t live in hope and know where I stand and can move forward with my life. This is also for him to save face from his parents as he has been married before and to not lose his kids. He said he wanted to try. It has been nearly two weeks since our last chat and so far no change in his behaviour or actions. I need someone to talk to so look forward to hearing from you x Wow, you have been brave! Congratulations on taking back some control by putting an end to all intimacy. Can I ask (because this is very similar to my situation), does your H ever seem to want sex at all? My wife does but it’s not often (maybe once every 6 weeks, maybe even 8 weeks).
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 19, 2017 3:17:44 GMT -5
Thank u everyone for ur comments. I am in my mid thirties and my husband in his early forties. Basically I have been telling him how living in a sexless marriage is not right for the past few years. Although he is caring he is just not affectionate ie no passionate kisses, cuddling or caressing. When I raised this all again with him last week I said that if things don’t change then we just continue to live as roommates which is what it has been like. The reason why I said no intimacy to him was that its not fair on me to keep waiting on him and having the hope that things will change. I wanted him to feel like I wasn’t going to wait forever and thought he might end up wanting what he can’t have if I restrict him. This did strike a chord with him and he didn’t want that and wanted to try. He did exactly what i expected and initiated sex a few days later. This is something he always does after I have a chat with him and make the effort to communicate. I said ‘no’ as he can’t just jump in bed and it will make everything alright. He has to earn the affection and start with basic ie hugs, kisses etc. The sex would just be a one off where he would have months of a dry spell and for me I need the assurance that he wants ‘me’ and not just doing it because we’ve had a conversation about it. When I told him this he agreed and understood and said he was being spontaneous. What i want to hear is that ‘he wants me’ not because he’s feeling pressurised of losing me. We both have pressurised jobs, my husband did a Masters (which is when things really started going downhill) and young children make things difficult. However the lack of affection has made things unbearable and the stresses we have are nothing out of the ordinary and what most couples/families go through. I can’t read him as he finds it hard to talk about these things and only a few months ago he said he had lost his sex drive. I feel like i’m getting mixed messages as he initiated sex a few days after our chat. He says he loves me and I know he can’t live without me as we get on well and have the same views/outlook in life. I just don’t know what has gone sooo wrong. Anyone can say they love you but you have to believe it. But it's good that he says he loves you, and he needs to do so in the way you need it. Is he a good father to your kids? With him losing his sex drive, it will be rough going. But I'm around couples who don't seem too sexual and their marriage is still good. Marriage is based on love and some marriages can even do without sex. You're unlikely to turn your spouse into high desire sexual partner but would a low desire sexual partner work? My wife is not into sex much but she was pretty wild during periods in the past. But she is so much more than my sex toy. She indulges me in my needs though (reluctantly). We have two kids and we are a happy family. I do give my wife a hard time with her lack of sexual desire do. And vice versa. I tell her she is hhottt all the time. hahahahha. She says my proclamation of love and worship is cheap. Maybe I'll marry a pornstar in my next life to make up for this one. Pain is necessary for change and transformation to happen, otherwise we'd do everything the same. Good luck with fixing your marriage. There is another site called Talk About Marriage that has a lot more members and hence more success stories. It's pro-marriage, hence its name but definitely have folks who divorce as well. They have a Sex in Marriage section. I participate there at times but some can give the tone of "sucks to be you" so knowing about others' successes is not always good. I like it here better. There's around a 50% average of marriages that will and won't work, so it's a roll of the dice anyway. Deal with your situation as best you can.
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Post by h on Dec 19, 2017 5:19:46 GMT -5
winter123 I sincerely hope that it works out for you. The fact that he acknowledged his part in it is a good sign. I hope he's going to follow through and not just give up after a few months. Keep the pressure on so he doesn't get complacent. All the best wishes for you!
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 19, 2017 6:06:15 GMT -5
The best laid plans of mice and men oft' go awry.
I had a four year plan. At this point, I doubt we will last one more year. My AP had her plans, but doubts she will be able to keep them. I have seen others here with plans that start as years and turn into months.
It might go the other way, too. I talked to one woman that ended up sticking it out with her husband after planning to leave. Her situation never improved, but she was not comfortable with any other option.
I think it is important to have a plan. Think about what you want, and move toward that, but realize that plans can change as your situation does.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 19, 2017 6:19:47 GMT -5
. He says he is still actracted to me and has a desire for me. He has just got into a habit of not being intimate and he recognises that it needs to change. He is trying to be more affectionate with me and we are really trying. I think this is the 1st time I have heard of a man in his early 40's just getting into the habit of not being intimate. Normally males at this age should have an active libido and be seeking intimacy frequently. Has he seen a doctor for blood work to eliminate obvious hormonal or other physical/chemical issues that could bring about a loss of desire? Eliminating medical/psychological causes narrows the discussion going on in your head as to "what happened". Does he have any obvious causes like work or financial stress that could give him doubts about being able to perform. It doesn't sound like it but eliminate everything possible and what ever is left could point you in the direction of "what happened".
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2017 8:50:10 GMT -5
1) Work, studying and kids have always been a stress. 2) I thought things would get better once he completed his Masters but in fact they got worse. 3) Main thing now is that he acknowledges it and wants to improve the situation. 4) I do think I need to tell him that it’s worth him seeing a doctor about his lack of sex drive tho at least that will be beneficial for him too. 1) Just another mans point of view for you, (i think I speak for many) the answer to that stress is having intimacy and sex with my wife. The only one on the planet for me to do that with. The natural way to relieve stress, to feel respected, desired, wanted and needed. All factors to deal with studying,work,and kids. I put my marriage and self first, the rest fall into place. 2) His Masters was no longer a viable "excuse" for whatever the real problems he has in avoiding sex/intimacy. Evidence of more manipulation, and control over you. These are major game changers in a marriage. Your trust in him is being abused so naturally it gets to be harder for you to give that trust, it grows to be less and less. You still desire and need to have someone you can give your trust to,but you MUST receive back as well. That is not happening. Does it have to be even? No, not all the time. However at the end of the day, or the week there must be a balance. 3) Actions , my friend, you need to see actions and results. Set boundaries. Your job will be to enforce them, and then take action for your own well being if he fails. Not by his standards but by yours. Take ground, find your joy, by believing in yourself. 4) Do it for both of you. Guard your heart, by limiting your trust. He must earn it back from you, you deserve no less! Do not sit back and wait, and believe whatever excuses he tells you.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 12:10:33 GMT -5
For sexually healthy people who are attracted to their partner, sex is a stress relief. People who are sexually attracted to their partner want to touch their partner. They don’t need reminders.
One can’t make oneself sexually desire someone. One can force oneself to sexually engage with a person one isn’t sexually attracted to. What results then at best is starfish or poke her then roll over sex.
One can platonically love someone or enjoy their companionship, financial help or homemaking abilities. One might marry or stay married due to such reasons. That doesn’t mean one feels or can feel sexual desire forvone’s partner.
My belief is that if one’s partner has to force or remind himself to hold your hand, you are not sexually compatible.
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