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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 18, 2017 10:14:22 GMT -5
Welcome winter 123,.....I am going to assume you are fairly young as you mentioned children. One thing that's confusing to me. You state since your H is staying he needs to make an effort(I assume at intimacy) but that you are so resentful you will not allow it. Can you clarify this? Having "the talk" with one's spouse and it not resulting in any change in the behavior of a sexless spouse is pretty common. The next most common result is that one's spouse performs what is called "reset" sex. This is where you have sex and the clock that keeps the amount of time between acts of intimacy is reset and can start again. Neither outcome is helpful in the long term. If you are both young(under 40) and your H has lost his sex drive and it isn't a medical or psychological problem then you might be right that he has simply lost interest in you. Did things go south slowly or all of a sudden? And to what does your H attribute his loss of desire?
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Post by M2G on Dec 18, 2017 10:36:57 GMT -5
Well - if you can get re-set sex a few times a week that might work?
Humor aside - a little confused too RE: "..but I will not allow any intimacy, that way I don’t live in hope.." - do you mean he just has to admit it, so you don't have to try (and get let down) anymore? (Not that doing so is not advantageous, as I kinda feel that way myself many days, after 6 years with no intimacy).
Also - welcome to the forum that no one wants to need; I hope you find some help, though it never seems (for most) the kind of help you may be initially looking for..
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 18, 2017 10:44:31 GMT -5
Sex is part of marriage if he does not want to treat you like a wife then he needs to accept an open marriage or a divorce. He very well might not be attracted to you but trust me there are plenty of men out there that will be attracted to you and want sex.
Focus on yourself and figure out what you want for yourself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2017 10:57:54 GMT -5
" Saving face for his parents", can be a red flag. Marriage is meant to be "leaving and cleaving". Goodbye little boy, depending on mommy and daddy. Hello Man,Husband, and Father! Being the leader of a family, being independent, being in touch and confident with your own true self. That is someone who would have little trouble in having an open, honest, always available communication with their spouse. Not someone who is concerned with "saving face for his parents".
Are you his Wife-partner in life? Or a substitute mommy? sounds like you are seeing the light, and will have to -as bballgirl said- "focus on yourself and figure out what you want for yourself"
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Post by james on Dec 18, 2017 11:03:38 GMT -5
Hi winter123 and I am sorry you have ended up here. Welcome all the same. A couple of thoughts/questions: -I note that your h has been married before. Is there any hint that this was an issue with his previous partner?-it does sound like you have made it very clear to your husband that you are not happy with the situation. Does he really understand how much pain this is causing you? If not, I suggest you find a way of making sure that he does. -have you been to any sort of couples therapy together? - this can be a good way of getting to understand what the issue is. -having said that, understanding the issue may not prove to be that helpful. If you have been in a SM for 5 years, that in and of itself is a major red flag that this problem could well prove to be unfixable. There are plenty of people here who will testify to that. And given that you have just joined our club, then that will probably apply to you as well. Sorry and hugs. For a lot of people on this site, it boils down to this question: is it bad enough for you to want to leave, or can you stick it out (with or without affairs)? I know, it's not much of a choice, but that is likely the reality that you are facing. All the best.
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Post by h on Dec 18, 2017 11:28:38 GMT -5
@ James - sorry just reread what u asked about my husband’s ex wife. They were married for 4 years and he said that they had no physical relationship after two years of marriage. He said it was down to his ex-wife and him not getting on and that she got into a bad crowd and chose friends over him. Now that I think about it, he probably did to her what he is doing to me. She was just lucky to get out! And just because he told you that was the reason, doesn't make it true. Maybe his last wife started hanging out with her friends as a way to get emotional support for dealing with his lack of physical interest. He then concocted this story of her falling into a bad crowd to cover up the real reason and divert blame. Maybe you should look her up and ask for her opinion on why their marriage ended.
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Post by h on Dec 18, 2017 11:45:22 GMT -5
I just wouldn’t have the guts to get in touch with his ex nor would I want her to know about our problems. She is out of the picture and i want to keep it that way. I could tell my H that I want to get in touch with his ex to get her side of events and see if that perhaps could make him open up. There is nothing that would hirt his pride more than his ex finding out that his second marriage is failing. Sounds good! Even the simple questions: "Is this the real reason your last marriage ended? Did you do this to your last wife and she just refused to stick around and put up with it? Maybe her version of the story is worth finding out..."
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Post by M2G on Dec 18, 2017 11:56:34 GMT -5
@ James - sorry just reread what u asked about my husband’s ex wife. They were married for 4 years and he said that they had no physical relationship after two years of marriage. He said it was down to his ex-wife and him not getting on and that she got into a bad crowd and chose friends over him. Now that I think about it, he probably did to her what he is doing to me. She was just lucky to get out! I would agree. I notice he said "not getting on" but not why or, more importantly, WHO instigated the SM. I'm betting on your H, else he would have said his EX did it. Also, if his EX instigated the SM, then maybe your H is using you to revenge himself upon his EX by proxy - but I think that's a pretty remote possibility. I only put it down here, to illustrate how absurd that sounds - and reinforces the probability of scenario 1 - your H is a serial SM instigator.
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Post by h on Dec 18, 2017 12:33:34 GMT -5
Another thought would be to ask his parents. If avoiding another divorce is important to them and your H, then maybe they will prod him into getting his act together and figuring out what the problem is. Maybe he needs to go to a doctor or to individual therapy. The in-laws could be allies.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2017 13:32:02 GMT -5
1) He has said in the past that he finds it easier to brush difficult conversations aside as he finds it hard to communicate these things. This makes it really hard to get to the crux of the problem. He has however said to me that for him the worst case scenario would be to become a weekend dad and the thought of anyone else being intimate with me. Well I’m sorry but he can’t have his cake and eat it too (or not as in this case!!!) 1) let an outsider (like myself) who has been through the same thing ,had years of counselling and spent (daily) years of reading and discussing this on line tell it to you. This has more truth to it than you can see right now. It's "easy" for him because it works for his way of life. it keeps him in control over you. The only communication that's happening is him manipulating you. Your words don't mean "shit" to him. In one ear and out the other. Words are powerful but actions are even more powerful. You have already mentioned his zero actions. Actually his actions to avoid the subject and place all the blame on you. Known as DARVO. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/
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Post by orangepeel on Dec 18, 2017 13:46:39 GMT -5
You’re in pretty much exactly the same boat as me, except in our case we’re English (are you English?) and the conversations you’ve had we haven’t: it’s just frostily implied.
Welcome! And sorry.
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2017 15:47:38 GMT -5
Hi, I am new here. I have been married for 7 years and been more or less in a sexless marriage for 5 years. I have addressed the issue with my husband so many times and now I just feel like a broken record. I love him but there is now so much resentment that I feel towards him that I am struggling to fight this battle. I am staying strong for our kids. I don’t know how this has happened. My husband says he has lost his sex drive but I don’t buy it. I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. However he has chosen to stay with me so he needs to make an effort. I told him that we can carry on living together for the sake of our kids but I will not allow any intimacy, that way I don’t live in hope and know where I stand and can move forward with my life. This is also for him to save face from his parents as he has been married before and to not lose his kids. He said he wanted to try. It has been nearly two weeks since our last chat and so far no change in his behaviour or actions. I need someone to talk to so look forward to hearing from you x The anecdotal evidence is that waiting for a refusive spouse to "try" is a policy doomed to failure Sister winter123 . In the interests of *certainty*, your idea of slamming the door shut on any further sexual contact makes a lot more sense. Believe me, you will not be inundated by requests for sex from a refusive spouse, so you will know - absolutely - where you stand in this deal if you take over the drivers seat. What you might do after that is going to come down to the 3 choices you (and everyone else here) have available. You stay. You cheat. You leave. Clearly, at this point, you choose to stay, and that is a perfectly legitimate choice to make. In fact, it is the same choice just about everyone makes initially whilst they are trying to navigate this dysfunctional marriage minefield. Whether you keep choosing this course or not is entirely optional. That's probably an issue for another day.
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2017 17:00:50 GMT -5
I guess then, the next thing to think about is the situation as it stands. Do you figure that you and your spouse are modelling a good example for the kids to observe as to how spouses behave toward each other ? Would a fair few more years exposure to the environment be doing them any favours ?
There's a fair bit of evidence that dysfunctional marriages are generational - that is to say the kids (as adults) tend to make similar choices about life partners as their parents modelled for them.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 18, 2017 17:56:02 GMT -5
winter123, there seems to be a lot of concern about how your responses affect others, so I'll toss this out there... If you wait until the kids are in college to take action, your husband will be nearly retirement age at the point that you leave with half, probably plus alimony. He will not be able to recover financially in time, and it will significantly affect the quality of the rest of his life. Would you leave then? Or would you then hope to outlive him? It is never a good / easy / convenient time. Life happens when it must, and we are left to work around it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2017 18:23:57 GMT -5
Yes, you will leave this sight today with a boat load of new things to think about! Take it slow, digest it all, a little at a time. In fact give yourself a season to rethink your position on staying married with your spouse. What's best for everyone, starting with you, then the children, and yes...even your spouse.
If you look up the resources on this sight you will find numerous articles to help you on your new journey.
Knowledge is power! Very few people go into a marriage with a clear understanding of all the pitfalls that can occur. Some of these show themselves in days, some take years. Mental disorders, physical disorders, physical abuse, mental abuse, addictions, crimes,etc.....
Check back in as you progress, if validation is something you desire, you will find plenty!
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