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Post by idgaf96 on Dec 17, 2017 21:03:36 GMT -5
I understand and can relate. My husband and I never cuddle. I love to cuddle. I hope it would lead to sex as I love great sex as well but being held and cuddled is so important to me. Just today I had a surprise free day. The kids got invited to their uncle's to play cards and hang out. I was so excited as my husband had the day off and even though I know better I got my hopes up that he would want to spend the day with me. He decided a nap alone was more important that spending a rare day alone with me. I even after all these year and after deciding a long time ago I was done with him still have a desire to have him want me and have to force myself to not let it ruin my day. I would have loved to spend the day snuggling. I get mad at myself for having unrealistic expectations. I know better after 15 years.
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 18, 2017 4:13:09 GMT -5
My SM spouse did like cuddling in bed. I was the one who put an end to it, because it almost never led to sex. I was so frustrated I couldn't deal with it anymore and my body and my head were telling me different messages. Head - don't get too excited, you'll only be disappointed. Body - want sex. Head - wouldn't sex be nice. Then eventually, body - nothing - hard to get aroused because I no longer saw him as a sexual partner. I left the marital bed which led to him being very angry. Whatever, I was angry, too.
My post SM partner loves cuddling, affection, etc and while it's no substitute for sex, we have a whole range of 'touch expression' from hugs to sex and cuddling sits in there somewhere. We have enough sex in our relationship, so when we do just have snuggles (as we did last night and this morning as he's too tired/busy for a couple of days running an event with 16hr days+ 2 hrs travel) it's not frustrating - it's just nice. And I don't have to wonder, I know we'll have sex again by Wednesday latest. He also knows I'm still scarred from my SM, and so we had a chat about the lack of sex for a three day period beforehand. I told him any sex was a bonus.
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Post by theexplorer on Dec 19, 2017 16:08:34 GMT -5
We usually hug two or three times per day. Sometimes there is a little cuddling in bed before we go to sleep. Often this is in the winter when one of us is cold. My wife is quite satisfied. She is receiving all the affection she desires. I would LOVE to have more physical affection. Of course, I'm one of those folks who wants LOADS of physical affection!! I love to touch and be touched.
One thing that has helped a little bit is going for regular massages. My massage therapist is a lesbian, so my wife has no reason to be jealous. A massage is different than the touch of a lover, but it is far better than not being touched. Of course, I typically have some sore muscles, so the therapy is helpful. I always experience a wonderful nights sleep after a massage. It could be due to the release of muscle tension. I suspect there is also an emotional benefit due to the human contact.
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Post by M2G on Dec 19, 2017 16:18:23 GMT -5
I understand and can relate. My husband and I never cuddle. I love to cuddle. I hope it would lead to sex as I love great sex as well but being held and cuddled is so important to me. Just today I had a surprise free day. The kids got invited to their uncle's to play cards and hang out. I was so excited as my husband had the day off and even though I know better I got my hopes up that he would want to spend the day with me. He decided a nap alone was more important that spending a rare day alone with me. I even after all these year and after deciding a long time ago I was done with him still have a desire to have him want me and have to force myself to not let it ruin my day. I would have loved to spend the day snuggling. I get mad at myself for having unrealistic expectations. I know better after 15 years. I can so relate - all I ever get is a peck goodnight and maybe some other incidental contact that I always innate. I get the sense though that my W is just being tolerant and the touch really means nothing at all to her. Hurtful, that.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 16:34:48 GMT -5
Massage lifts endorphins. High endorphins = happiness. That’s one reason sex makes most people happy. It’s also why getting things like massages or pedicures or hugs from friends or stroking a pet can be a good way to feel better in a sm.
Whether or not your massage therapist were a lesbian why would your spouse feel jealous? Why would you even bother to tell your spouse you get professional nonsexual massages? Even when I was in a sm and had a male massage therapist, I never mentioned it nor did it cross my mind that my refuser could get jealous. I view it like going to a doctor or hairdresser. It’s a pleasant experience but not like going to a hooker. I still go to massage therapists now so does my Post sm partner. We do it to reduce physical pain. I don’t care if he sees a woman for that. I just hope his pain is eased.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Dec 20, 2017 7:32:23 GMT -5
I understand and can relate. My husband and I never cuddle. I love to cuddle. I hope it would lead to sex as I love great sex as well but being held and cuddled is so important to me. Just today I had a surprise free day. The kids got invited to their uncle's to play cards and hang out. I was so excited as my husband had the day off and even though I know better I got my hopes up that he would want to spend the day with me. He decided a nap alone was more important that spending a rare day alone with me. I even after all these year and after deciding a long time ago I was done with him still have a desire to have him want me and have to force myself to not let it ruin my day. I would have loved to spend the day snuggling. I get mad at myself for having unrealistic expectations. I know better after 15 years. I can so relate - all I ever get is a peck goodnight and maybe some other incidental contact that I always innate. I get the sense though that my W is just being tolerant and the touch really means nothing at all to her. Hurtful, that. I can relate to the hurt. I’ve been separated for 2 months and I’d give anything for a hug. It feels like a punishment. I imagine if I ever become involved with anyone in the future, they’d probably consider me clingy,sex craved and overly affectionate. Lol
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 20, 2017 10:30:17 GMT -5
I miss moments like this, too. The intimate connection of just being together, those little romantic, familiar touches that happen with being close and in love. Yep, Bunny could use a little romance and mushy-ness...sigh I remember seeing a post about a guy that told a friend that he was in a sexless marriage, and his friend, not realizing the extent of the problem, asked how the blowjobs were. It is not just the PIV sex that is missing. When someone wants you and you want them, that attraction manifests itself in so many intimate ways that are painfully missing in a sexless marriage. That would be my post. The friend now understands the extent of the problems.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 22, 2017 12:32:14 GMT -5
What I want right now so much more than sex is just to hold someone. Be held. Sitting next to her on the couch as we watch TV. Spooning and caressing under the covers. Holding hands in the car. Arm in arm at the theater. Stroking her hair, or she stroking mine. Side by side on a blanket looking up at the stars... someplace warm and beautiful, of course! Because it isn’t really about the sex after all, is it? It’s these intimacies that demonstrate love and generate closeness. That closeness leads to sex. But without the physical and emotional intimacy first? It all goes to hell in short order. I’m sorry. I’m right there with you. Here’s to brighter days ahead! Oh, it is about the sex. And the cuddling and kissing and the unnecessary touching. All are expressions of desire.
They are all ways in which desire is experienced. "Let's just cuddle tonight" can be weaponized as a boobyprize just as much as a starfish lay can indicate how little desire (or how much active aversion) is present in the sex and cuddling you are having. The desire is the the thing, in all the ways it is expressed.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 22, 2017 12:34:04 GMT -5
Because it isn’t really about the sex after all, is it? It’s these intimacies that demonstrate love and generate closeness. That closeness leads to sex. But without the physical and emotional intimacy first? It all goes to hell in short order. I’m sorry. I’m right there with you. Here’s to brighter days ahead! Oh, it is about the sex. And the cuddling and kissing and the unnecessary touching. All are expressions of desire.
They are all ways in which desire is experienced. "Let's just cuddle tonight" can be weaponized as a boobyprize just as much as a starfish lay can indicate how little desire (or how much active aversion) is present in the sex and cuddling you are having. The desire is the the thing, in all the ways it is expressed. The lack of it for you, is the reason you don't have sex.
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