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Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 11, 2017 19:08:00 GMT -5
An update...
I've been away for a while. My marriage was "good enough" for about 2 years. It's not "good enough" anymore. My line in the sand has been obliterated slowly.
I really need some resolution. My new years resolution is to get some resolution to this problem. I deserve answers... or a divorce. I can't play this game anymore. I'm really just feeling ready to bring this problem to a close... one way or another.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 20:18:23 GMT -5
I hear you Chatter Fox. I, too, would like resolution. Limbo land is a tough place to exist. Good to see you again.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 11, 2017 21:31:14 GMT -5
I hear you Chatter Fox. I, too, would like resolution. Limbo land is a tough place to exist. Good to see you again. Good to see you too. Still staying strong and working the plan?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 22:16:52 GMT -5
Working the plan anyway! Strong? Some days. I’m hoping 2018 is a resolution year for both of us!
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2017 22:53:42 GMT -5
Have just been going back through your stories Brother Chatter Fox . I may have missed it, but it appears that you haven't seen a lawyer yet (?) That's probably a good starting point.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 12, 2017 7:57:36 GMT -5
In virtually all cases here, the answer is obvious: your spouse does not want to fuck you. Thus, it’s virtually 100 percent likely that neither she nor you can change her aversion to you, the question you need to answer is whether to remain married or to divorce.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 12, 2017 9:47:51 GMT -5
An update... I've been away for a while. My marriage was "good enough" for about 2 years. It's not "good enough" anymore. My line in the sand has been obliterated slowly. I really need some resolution. My new years resolution is to get some resolution to this problem. I deserve answers... or a divorce. I can't play this game anymore. I'm really just feeling ready to bring this problem to a close... one way or another. www.crazybusters.com/2017/07/28/the-narcissist-codependent-trap-having-boundaries-ends-the-relationship/I hope reading this helps you with your goals for the new year!
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 12, 2017 11:47:01 GMT -5
Have just been going back through your stories Brother Chatter Fox . I may have missed it, but it appears that you haven't seen a lawyer yet (?) That's probably a good starting point. I think for many folks (thinking personally) that might be a bridge too far, when operating from the standpoint of unrequited romantic investment. It's not wrong - but people commonly avoid it for a reason. A way to boil the frog more slowly might be to focus first on decoupling one's own marital expectations. Much as pre-op transgender folks must "live as a member of the opposite sex" - dressing and acting the part for an extended period to try it on first - I think there is value in going through the rituals of decoupling. Sleep separately - alone - without making a show of it. Remove the wedding ring. Make plans to do things you want to do, irrespective of your partner. Don't reserve time blocks with the hope of having sex. Stop trying to have sex, or enacting the ritual of rejection - but also remove all physical intimacy (kissing, cuddling, handholding - if there are any of those) that you associate with romantic feelings (usually a partner will propose alternatives in lieu of an engaged sexual scenario - as a consolation prize - just don't, if what you really want is the sex resulting from your partner's desire). Stop trying to figure out the precise code or formula to turn your partner on. Begin whatever self improvement initiatives you might try to make yourself desirable to others. Have interests, activities, friends and prioritize them over your marriage. Stop making long term or significant investments of time or money in the household enterprise. If family vacations to tropical beaches make you sad, maybe take the kids camping on your own, and plan your own things. Run that program for long enough and the fog will lift, and you will see your partner as a normal person again - rather than as an ideal romantic partner, if only they would X. And that's a much more even ground from which to negotiate a relationship.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 12, 2017 12:01:39 GMT -5
Sleep separately - alone - without making a show of it. Remove the wedding ring. Make plans to do things you want to do, irrespective of your partner. Don't reserve time blocks with the hope of having sex. Stop trying to have sex, or enacting the ritual of rejection - but also remove all physical intimacy (kissing, cuddling, handholding - if there are any of those) that you associate with romantic feelings (usually a partner will propose alternatives in lieu of an engaged sexual scenario - as a consolation prize - just don't, if what you really want is the sex resulting from your partner's desire). Stop trying to figure out the precise code or formula to turn your partner on. Begin whatever self improvement initiatives you might try to make yourself desirable to others. Have interests, activities, friends and prioritize them over your marriage. Stop making long term or significant investments of time or money in the household enterprise. If family vacations to tropical beaches make you sad, maybe take the kids camping on your own, and plan your own things.”
Exactly what I did during the last years of my marriage. I treated my husband like an acquaintance who happened to be my roommate. I learned how to live and grow independently of him. I noticed that these actions increased my happiness. One day, I woke up and realized I wanted a divorce. I emailed him. He agreed. I guess he had long ago disengaged from me. We had a polite divorce and went our separate ways. I’ve never missed him.
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Post by warmways on Dec 24, 2017 13:47:21 GMT -5
That’s what I’ve been doing with some setbacks. I tried to divorce but wasn’t strong enough and now I’m stuck again but I still live in a separate room and I am treating myself better and gaining strength and resources for the next go around.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 24, 2017 14:52:26 GMT -5
Have just been going back through your stories Brother Chatter Fox . I may have missed it, but it appears that you haven't seen a lawyer yet (?) That's probably a good starting point. I think for many folks (thinking personally) that might be a bridge too far, when operating from the standpoint of unrequited romantic investment. It's not wrong - but people commonly avoid it for a reason. A way to boil the frog more slowly might be to focus first on decoupling one's own marital expectations. Much as pre-op transgender folks must "live as a member of the opposite sex" - dressing and acting the part for an extended period to try it on first - I think there is value in going through the rituals of decoupling. Sleep separately - alone - without making a show of it. Remove the wedding ring. Make plans to do things you want to do, irrespective of your partner. Don't reserve time blocks with the hope of having sex. Stop trying to have sex, or enacting the ritual of rejection - but also remove all physical intimacy (kissing, cuddling, handholding - if there are any of those) that you associate with romantic feelings (usually a partner will propose alternatives in lieu of an engaged sexual scenario - as a consolation prize - just don't, if what you really want is the sex resulting from your partner's desire). Stop trying to figure out the precise code or formula to turn your partner on. Begin whatever self improvement initiatives you might try to make yourself desirable to others. Have interests, activities, friends and prioritize them over your marriage. Stop making long term or significant investments of time or money in the household enterprise. If family vacations to tropical beaches make you sad, maybe take the kids camping on your own, and plan your own things. Run that program for long enough and the fog will lift, and you will see your partner as a normal person again - rather than as an ideal romantic partner, if only they would X. And that's a much more even ground from which to negotiate a relationship. You are spot on apocrypha.....But I am also in agreement with baz,....I don't see why spending an hour with an attorney would be harmful to him....
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 24, 2017 15:13:29 GMT -5
I've been "love" (making copies for my attorney) a number of houses in my kids school zones, getting ready for the "D". For the over a year, I've been looking, thinking about what's "affordable" while prices continue to rise greatly, as my W delays our divorce by going through attorney after attorney.
A friend -not my attorney- pointed out to me how much my W. will be keeping and how very little she wants me to have, so it's time to "fight back."
A big issue is where we live, and school districts. We live on an island, river and beach properties. Much more expensive than the main land. however only one school district reaches to the mainland the other does not.
If I buy on the mainland there will be no school bus. That means I will need to transport my daughter to school,and pick her up, every school day, when she is living with me. I was 'willing' to do all that. Once again giving,showing empathy, going above and beyond. Is my STBX doing any of that? HELL NO! I'd actually like driving my daughter to school, being with her, but it comes at such a price.
I want to show "fair " housing on the island to the judge. Why should I have to severely limit my career and housing choices due to having to transport my child to school and back, while my STBX gets to continue without a single change in her life style?
2018 will bring change!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 24, 2017 19:04:19 GMT -5
Not to take away from Chatter Fox's original post but I just realized "this will be my last Christmas, married to my W."
2018 may be with the kids and no W, or I may be by myself, or with new friends. I doubt any "co-parenting at Christmas will be happening".
It's all rather bitter sweet.
My "Hope" is that next year/Christmas there will be no "fake happiness in order to keep the peace" going on. Instead there will be real peace and joy. Even if I am totally alone, I can live with that.
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Post by orangepeel on Dec 25, 2017 1:22:59 GMT -5
I’ve got this weird ability to compartmentalise like fury: when I’m living in one compartment, the others don’t impinge - much. The good news is that this is a superb coping mechanism (I can even enter other compartments when we’re both in the same place and she’s giving me the cold treatment); the bad news is that the sealing mechanisms aren’t perfect and lines do slowly blur with concomitant ‘leakage’. I reckon I could go on for years, though.
Don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing.
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