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Post by jim44444 on Dec 13, 2017 20:19:17 GMT -5
Does he have to go to the doctor to get the pills? What if you went and got the pills? Give him a “spiked” sandwich and then have a talk. Would this make him mad or very receptive to what you’re saying? Depending on your jurisdiction this approach could result in being charged with several felonies. The equivalent of giving roofies to your date. Any man who won't talk to his doctor about ED is an idiot and not worth the effort.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2017 20:54:15 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your support. All of you wrote things I agree with and hit home ( sadly) he is my best friend I desire him so badly ...daily. it is so sad that he is unwilling, uninterested etc to at least try and fix ' his' issues so that I am not in so much pain. Update- last evening after coming to bed we we're chatting about stuff going on today and I decided I really needed to speak up..say it like it is. I expressed to him just how much his lack of motivation to fix this affected me..if he loves me like he claims why would he cause so much pain. I used lots of descriptive words to express my sadness and pain. I did have a realization about this whole situation while we were talking and that is I do believe that although I miss the closeness and connection that comes from sex what hurts me the most is his absolute lack of effort in trying to fix this issue. He gives more attention to everything else in his life. I asked him if he were to be diagnosed with God forbid cancer would he go online to try and learn what he can do to fix and or better his condition?? Yes he said. Would you rush to the Dr. If it we're causing you pain, needed more medication or different treatment again his answer was yes. So, I said to him, you mean to tell me it would not take you a year to go to Dr for more pain meds or change in treatment because the current regimine wasnt working? Of course bit was his answer. By this point he was starting to get where I was going with it and he fell quiet. I spoke my peace explained exactly what he could do to fix it. It's up to him. I will give him some time...not 16 years...to show me he loves me ..if after he does/trys all he can to show me and he still can't have an erection well then at least I know he's willing to give me any our relationship at least the same energy that he gives to everyone else and 'thing' in his life. The good thing is if this ends in divorce I can say I tried/ did everything I could. I will be fine. I graduated from nursing g school a few years ago I am a cardiac RN and currently earn more then the husband. Financially I would be fine..I'm just not ready to go there yet. Thanks again for the support I will let you all know how it goes. Did he just give you simple "yes" answers to some very deep questions? Sounds like he's giving in to get along. Saying what needs to be said to shut you up. A typical " yes dear", while thinking " leave me alone and go away, I'm not going to change anything, and I'm safe for now". He bought more time. It's a delay tactic that i used as a teen against my "bi-polar" mother. Full retreat mode. Detach yourself. I would stare at the clock on the wall and stand in silence, knowing that the more you ever tried in the least, to defend yourself, your words meant nothing, no matter how true or accurate, because she was the boss. Please, please, don't take that the wrong way! You may very easily not be that way, but he knows how to control your words, and actions to reverse all blame making him the victim and you the offender by cowering and and avoiding. Giving him time will be your weapon. Make it a season, at most. Put strict boundaries along with it. Send him an email, something you can fall back on. Go with him, make the appointment, and start seeing an attorney, yesterday. Find out from a free consultation the advantages and disadvantages, financially about staying married. Especially if your income is going to be greater than his. Knowledge is power. Do it for yourself! You deserve no less! let the healing begin.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 13, 2017 21:54:09 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your support. All of you wrote things I agree with and hit home ( sadly) he is my best friend I desire him so badly ...daily. it is so sad that he is unwilling, uninterested etc to at least try and fix ' his' issues so that I am not in so much pain. Update- last evening after coming to bed we we're chatting about stuff going on today and I decided I really needed to speak up..say it like it is. I expressed to him just how much his lack of motivation to fix this affected me..if he loves me like he claims why would he cause so much pain. I used lots of descriptive words to express my sadness and pain. I did have a realization about this whole situation while we were talking and that is I do believe that although I miss the closeness and connection that comes from sex what hurts me the most is his absolute lack of effort in trying to fix this issue. He gives more attention to everything else in his life. I asked him if he were to be diagnosed with God forbid cancer would he go online to try and learn what he can do to fix and or better his condition?? Yes he said. Would you rush to the Dr. If it we're causing you pain, needed more medication or different treatment again his answer was yes. So, I said to him, you mean to tell me it would not take you a year to go to Dr for more pain meds or change in treatment because the current regimine wasnt working? Of course bit was his answer. By this point he was starting to get where I was going with it and he fell quiet. I spoke my peace explained exactly what he could do to fix it. It's up to him. I will give him some time...not 16 years...to show me he loves me ..if after he does/trys all he can to show me and he still can't have an erection well then at least I know he's willing to give me any our relationship at least the same energy that he gives to everyone else and 'thing' in his life. The good thing is if this ends in divorce I can say I tried/ did everything I could. I will be fine. I graduated from nursing g school a few years ago I am a cardiac RN and currently earn more then the husband. Financially I would be fine..I'm just not ready to go there yet. Thanks again for the support I will let you all know how it goes. In a funny/not funny kind of way my ex-wife was the opposite. When I finally reached my breaking point she used the cancer argument on me. "If I had cancer and I wasn't seeking treatment would you force me to go to the doctor to get it treated?" To which I replied "this isn't cancer." It was a nice attempt to try to make me feel guilty by equating the two, but one is a life threatening condition and the other was a quality of life issue. Not the same at all. Her decision resulted in my decision. Cause meet effect.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 13, 2017 22:20:03 GMT -5
Does he have to go to the doctor to get the pills? What if you went and got the pills? Give him a “spiked” sandwich and then have a talk. Would this make him mad or very receptive to what you’re saying? I'm not sure you understand how ED pills work. As a general rule, popping the pills do not cause an erection, but cause you to keep an erection long enough to do the deed so to speak. If you can't get an erection in the first place? Could be a physical or mental condition. His physician can rub a variety of tests to determine his ED is likely physical or mental. But bottom line is medication cannot cause one person to WANT another.
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 14, 2017 9:24:26 GMT -5
Over the last several days my husband and I have had several heart to hearts. Last night was no exception. I find it very difficult to type what was revealed to be during a very honest discussion. I had sneaking suspicions and so did many of the members in this group. He finally had the nerve to admit he no longer finds me attractive he is not turned on by me, infact he is quite turned OFF by my appearance. He states it would be nice if I didnt dress like his mom around the house( I wear sweats if I am doing chores around the house) he wishes I would get made up and do my hair and makeup..wear nice clothes etc. He then follows it with we need to buy you new clothes to which I replied...I wear makeup, eye/and lip) I just bought several new clothing items, I like my hair the way I do it...( Down and curly, he likes it flat ironed which takes an hour or more to do)so I ask what else can I do? Would you like me to start wearing foundation and concealer on my face ( the only thing I don't use, never learned)..this is what made him admit the the wt I have gained over the years is the reason. What he seems to want is new to have my size 6, 125lb at 5 foot 9 frame again.i don't get it...he no longer has a six pack abs, his butt has moved to his gut, he has gained some weight, we gave grown older...I am so attracted to him still..regardless of how his body has changed. I don't understand why it doesn't go both ways.. In a side note..so upset, anxious and sick to my stomach over this I threw up at work and came home..now currently in bed trying to sort all this out ..😥 Chicken/egg Which came first the refusal or the weight gain? I ballooned up BECAUSE of the refusal. “Emotional overeating”. Within the past six months I got focused and dropped 40 pounds. But it wasn’t for her. Just planning to be ready to put myself back on the market in due time. I suspect it’s just a bullshit excuse and if you suddenly walked in looking like your 18 year old self he would come up with another bullshit excuse.
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 14, 2017 9:30:56 GMT -5
Yes you are right about the weight gain. It happened after he began with holding sex. I have always been a very sexual person when he started rejecting me I started to gain wt. Well now I've got some wt to lose for me..not for him. Btw I went from 125 at 25 years old I'm 5 foot 9. To 150-160 at 45 years old. I've given birth to 4 sons in this time. I know that seems like a lot but I was under wt to start with..I will feel better if I lose. Not worried at this point about him. I've wasted too many years waiting to be wanted sexually.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 14, 2017 10:39:17 GMT -5
“Btw I went from 125 at 25 years old I'm 5 foot 9. To 150-160 at 45 years “
Btw you are within the range of a healthy, normal weight for your height. Lose if that would make you feel better, but know you aren’t overweight.
For example, at 154 pounds, 5’5, I’m 2 pounds overweight.
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Post by h on Dec 14, 2017 11:11:52 GMT -5
Yes you are right about the weight gain. It happened after he began with holding sex. I have always been a very sexual person when he started rejecting me I started to gain wt. Well now I've got some wt to lose for me..not for him. Btw I went from 125 at 25 years old I'm 5 foot 9. To 150-160 at 45 years old. I've given birth to 4 sons in this time. I know that seems like a lot but I was under wt to start with..I will feel better if I lose. Not worried at this point about him. I've wasted too many years waiting to be wanted sexually. Your weight isn't the issue. I'm only about 10 pounds heavier than I was when I was married and look almost identical to our wedding photos yet my W wasn't interested in me for the entire time we've been married. She has gained much more weight than I have but my desire for her has remained. Desire is about more than just weight and I think your H is just making excuses. (150-160 does not seem overweight to me for what it's worth.)
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 15, 2017 11:01:35 GMT -5
He finally had the nerve to admit he no longer finds me attractive he is not turned on by me, infact he is quite turned OFF by my appearance. He states it would be nice if I didnt dress like his mom [...] I like my hair the way I do it... [...]..this is what made him admit the the wt I have gained over the years is the reason. What he seems to want is new to have my size 6, 125lb at 5 foot 9 frame again.i don't get it...he no longer has a six pack abs, his butt has moved to his gut, he has gained some weight, we gave grown older...I am so attracted to him still..regardless of how his body has changed. I don't understand why it doesn't go both ways.. I'm sorry - that's hard to hear. It's good that you seem to have some sense of how difficult it likely was for him to tell you that. I can tell you in the dating world, a lack of physical attraction usually ends up as a break up without even bothering to get to a discussion about it. I get the sense, reading this, that you are more vested in arguing against what he has taken a risk to tell you is turning him off. When you say "What he seems to want...". did he actually say that - "size 6, 125 lbs? Or is that your hyperbolic extrapolation of him admitting his aversion to your present appearance - whatever that is? I don't know your present state, but is there a reasonable medium between whatever you were before, and the place you are at now, if you are at an unhealthy weight (it doesn't strike me that 160/5'" is unhealthy or unattractive to me, but I don't matter). How do *you* feel about your weight, style and appearance? You have indicated that you are still attracted to him despite his weight changes - I'm not sure though how the idea of what's fair counts whatsoever in terms of what a person is attracted or turned off by. Presumably, we are attracted to people for our own reasons. Some of those might be rooted to physical appearance and some might be anchored to other attributes. I'm sure there are nice guys from your past who felt it wasn't fair that you didn't return their romantic attention, right? You didn't owe them. Whenever someone - particularly a woman - posts on this that she is overweight (and I note that you have not said that here) - they are inundated with support and validation for their weight. I'm not one to do that. I've seen what happens in the dating world with women who are overweight compared to women and men who keep to an athletic or average weight and fashion sense, and I don't think it's helpful advice. I will offer though, that while he might not be untruthful in his statements about being turned off by your appearance, that might also be in addition to whatever made him divest from the initial attraction. That means, you might get help with stylists, shopping and personal shoppers, gym and coaches - and transform yourself fully - but still find that he's divested. A new reason moves to the top of the list (whatever was in second place before). That's a pretty common result (and one that I experienced after my then-wife had an affair). He's said he is not attracted to you - and is even turned off by you - that much you know is true. The rest of it may be a bigger iceberg than appears even to him at first. Rather than doing it all for him, try out this mental exercise. Suppose you got divorced tomorrow, or maybe he died. Your mind eventually returns to your future romantic and lifestyle prospects as a single person. Do you make changes in your life? Do you shuffle priorities with greater emphasis on yourself? Seems to me that most people who split off start hitting the gym, shave their heads (if they are dudes with a Ceasar or combover), get some clothes, and pull themselves together? Why not start those now, irrespective of what he thinks? Is there a downside to that?
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 15, 2017 11:06:39 GMT -5
Yes you are right about the weight gain. It happened after he began with holding sex. I have always been a very sexual person when he started rejecting me I started to gain wt. Well now I've got some wt to lose for me..not for him. Btw I went from 125 at 25 years old I'm 5 foot 9. To 150-160 at 45 years old. I've given birth to 4 sons in this time. I know that seems like a lot but I was under wt to start with..I will feel better if I lose. Not worried at this point about him. I've wasted too many years waiting to be wanted sexually. Your weight isn't the issue. I'm only about 10 pounds heavier than I was when I was married and look almost identical to our wedding photos yet my W wasn't interested in me for the entire time we've been married. She has gained much more weight than I have but my desire for her has remained. Desire is about more than just weight and I think your H is just making excuses. (150-160 does not seem overweight to me for what it's worth.) How would you know that? And why does your own preference matter if you are not in that relationship? You are arguing what seems right and proper to find attractive rather than what someone says they DO find attractive. Is that an argument you can really win? You could suggest you are a better person (I gather that's what you are saying), but assigning blame or guilt doesn't change what another person does or doesn't find attractive. And there is likely more than one issue. But I do know know that if there is another significant issue (like, maybe I don't want to be married, or a loss of respect happened because of XYZ), it certainly doesn't HELP to be not attracted to someone physically.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 15, 2017 11:11:22 GMT -5
Still, what he said may be the truth and if it is, you can’t argue him into sexually desiring you. Even if he was for some reason lying to you, his lack of demonstrated interest in sex with you indicates that for whatever reason, he doesn’t sexually desire you. THIS. He has said he doesn't sexually desire you. It's now on both of you to decide what to do in a married relationship in which sexual desire is not present in one party, and what that means.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 15, 2017 11:21:18 GMT -5
Over the last several days my husband and I have had several heart to hearts. Last night was no exception. I find it very difficult to type what was revealed to be during a very honest discussion. I had sneaking suspicions and so did many of the members in this group. He finally had the nerve to admit he no longer finds me attractive he is not turned on by me, infact he is quite turned OFF by my appearance. He states it would be nice if I didnt dress like his mom around the house( I wear sweats if I am doing chores around the house) he wishes I would get made up and do my hair and makeup..wear nice clothes etc. He then follows it with we need to buy you new clothes to which I replied...I wear makeup, eye/and lip) I just bought several new clothing items, I like my hair the way I do it...( Down and curly, he likes it flat ironed which takes an hour or more to do)so I ask what else can I do? Would you like me to start wearing foundation and concealer on my face ( the only thing I don't use, never learned)..this is what made him admit the the wt I have gained over the years is the reason. What he seems to want is new to have my size 6, 125lb at 5 foot 9 frame again.i don't get it...he no longer has a six pack abs, his butt has moved to his gut, he has gained some weight, we gave grown older...I am so attracted to him still..regardless of how his body has changed. I don't understand why it doesn't go both ways.. In a side note..so upset, anxious and sick to my stomach over this I threw up at work and came home..now currently in bed trying to sort all this out ..😥 Fuck him and the high horse he is on. It's great that you got your "why" answered and now focus on yourself. In my eyes it sounds like he let himself go A LOT more than you did. Now it's time for you to focus on yourself and counter strongly to his - "I'm not attracted to you". You need to lose your attraction to him for your own sanity. I could never be attracted to someone that doesn't desire me. If a man wants me they have to earn it. I am quite a bit more overweight than you and I had no trouble finding a man in the dating world that was attracted to me as well some men wanted a committed relationship but I was not interested. Show your husband that one man's trash is another man's treasure. Fuck him!
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 15, 2017 12:41:16 GMT -5
This thread is really making me mad. Is marriage picking and choosing the parts of it that you want?
So sex wasn't part of the deal for him but getting the tax benefit, healthcare benefit, perhaps you cooking for him.
How has this marriage benefitted you? That is the question.
Time to get a little selfish and look out for yourself and what you want in your life.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2017 12:49:11 GMT -5
This thread is really making me mad. Is marriage picking and choosing the parts of it that you want? So sex wasn't part of the deal for him but getting the tax benefit, healthcare benefit, perhaps you cooking for him. How has this marriage benefitted you? That is the question. Time to get a little selfish and look out for yourself and what you want in your life. YUP!! Don't gloss over the husbands "Mr ED denial" attitude. It all sounds manipulative, ( DARVO going on ) and lacking respect, trust, and honesty.
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Post by baza on Dec 15, 2017 19:15:33 GMT -5
"Is marriage picking and choosing the parts of it that you want?"
In many ways, yes it is.
And, as long as both people are picking and choosing the same things, there's no reason why that wouldn't work out just great. Say if they both pick "robust sex life" and "financial responsibility" for example.
Where the thing becomes a fuck up is where they pick and choose different things. For example one picks and chooses "robust sex life" and "financial responsibility" - but the other picks and chooses "mutual celibacy" and "spendthrift expenditure" A big fuck up ensues.
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