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Post by jag2020 on Dec 11, 2017 14:48:31 GMT -5
Im so frustrated... little history married 21 years over the past 16 our sex life had slowly disappeared the last two years I've had intercourse one time. I've tried to be understanding and patient, but him saying I will get more pills it I will...when it takes Iver a year to get to the Dr. For pills that's not acceptable not in my book. I'm 45 he's 53 he doesn't care about sex...I'm starving and feel so left out and alone..I tell myself it's not necessary it's him..but it's taken a serious toll on my self esteem. I decided Saturday I'm not sugar coating my feelings or dissatisfactions anymore. Today he keeps asking me if something is wrong...really.. any thoughts from you all??
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Post by james on Dec 11, 2017 15:03:44 GMT -5
Have you told your husband how unhappy the situation is making you? If you haven't (that would be surprising), then knowing your husband best: what way of communication will he most take note of? Spontaneous talk? Scheduled talk? At home? Away from home? Letter? Card? Choose a method, pick your time and tell him in completely straightforward and unambiguous terms, so that there is no room for guesswork on his part. If he then does nothing, you know the relationship is in deep trouble. If you have already done this, then ditto. Then you are left with a choice- is it bad enough to make you want to leave? In which case leave. Or can you live with it? In which case stay. Or you could cheat. After 16 years, though, this is going to be very, very difficult to turn round. Keep us in the loop, we will be here to support you whatever you decide. My deep sympathies to you, and hugs.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 11, 2017 16:54:11 GMT -5
I'm 45 he's 53 he doesn't care about sex... ...with you. Only it's not that he doesn't care about sex with you - it would seem he actively avoids it with you, and that's not indifference. Don't make the assumption that he doesn't care about sex at all. You can spend a lot of time chasing that down, with little evidence that it's even true. It's pretty damn easy to have sex if you desire your partner that you live with. It's hard to avoid it even.
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2017 21:16:11 GMT -5
You might be able to eyeball your spouse and cajole, berate, manipulate or maneuver him into rethinking his position. Maybe. But, coercion does not a very good record of producing sustainable change. If the motivation for your spouse to reconsider their position does not come from within, then you are likely flogging a dead horse.
Anyway, if you are set on pursuing a coercive strategy, then all I'd suggest is that you do NOT say anything that you don't mean, nor make any threats that you are not prepared to carry out. These situations have no place for brinkmanship or bluff. Whatever you say, you need to deliver on.
For that reason it would be wise to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you BEFORE you eyeball your spouse.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 12, 2017 0:55:17 GMT -5
jag2020, I am sorry to hear of your predicament, but glad that you found us. You know where the relationship has been. Being almost empty nesters, you should probably ask yourself where it is going. When you stand up for yourself, what focus will your words have? Are you ready to separate and if so can you make it on your own? Are you going to pressure him to get hormone injections in the hopes he gets his dive back, and expect him to do kegel exercises regularly to get back his ability to stay rigid? Are you going to ask for an open marriage with clear guidelines he will agree To?
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 12, 2017 7:53:47 GMT -5
If sex with you mattered to him and he had a condition causing ed, he would have run to the doctor to fix it. He also would use hands or mouth to satisfy you. His lack of action means sex with you is of no importance to him.
I was like you — being patient and understanding because I assumed my husband had a medical problem. When I finally got fed up and decided to divorce, years had been wasted. I was 60. He was 62. He revealed he was supporting a toddler he thought he’d fathered!
Do not do what I did. Realize your husband’s actions reflect a lack of romantic love for you. You can not beg, explain or threaten someone into loving you the way you want. You can realize you would be better off alone than remaining alone in a marriage. See a lawyer and find out how a divorce would shake out. The first visit may be free.
I’m now 66 and in a loving and sexual romance with a 65 year old man. Whenhe git age related ed, even though he didn’t then have a partner. He got help from his doctor. When I came into his life, he was ready. When he needs medication adjustments, he gets it without my asking. He enjoys touching me and even seeing my naked body. This is what you deserve. It’s what for reasons beyond either of your control, your husband can’t provide. The sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you can get the courage to make yourself available for the kind of love you want.
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 12, 2017 9:52:40 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your support. All of you wrote things I agree with and hit home ( sadly) he is my best friend I desire him so badly ...daily. it is so sad that he is unwilling, uninterested etc to at least try and fix ' his' issues so that I am not in so much pain.
Update- last evening after coming to bed we we're chatting about stuff going on today and I decided I really needed to speak up..say it like it is. I expressed to him just how much his lack of motivation to fix this affected me..if he loves me like he claims why would he cause so much pain. I used lots of descriptive words to express my sadness and pain. I did have a realization about this whole situation while we were talking and that is I do believe that although I miss the closeness and connection that comes from sex what hurts me the most is his absolute lack of effort in trying to fix this issue. He gives more attention to everything else in his life. I asked him if he were to be diagnosed with God forbid cancer would he go online to try and learn what he can do to fix and or better his condition?? Yes he said. Would you rush to the Dr. If it we're causing you pain, needed more medication or different treatment again his answer was yes. So, I said to him, you mean to tell me it would not take you a year to go to Dr for more pain meds or change in treatment because the current regimine wasnt working? Of course bit was his answer. By this point he was starting to get where I was going with it and he fell quiet. I spoke my peace explained exactly what he could do to fix it. It's up to him. I will give him some time...not 16 years...to show me he loves me ..if after he does/trys all he can to show me and he still can't have an erection well then at least I know he's willing to give me any our relationship at least the same energy that he gives to everyone else and 'thing' in his life.
The good thing is if this ends in divorce I can say I tried/ did everything I could. I will be fine. I graduated from nursing g school a few years ago I am a cardiac RN and currently earn more then the husband. Financially I would be fine..I'm just not ready to go there yet. Thanks again for the support I will let you all know how it goes.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 12, 2017 11:08:15 GMT -5
Update- last evening after coming to bed we we're chatting about stuff going on today and I decided I really needed to speak up..say it like it is. I expressed to him just how much his lack of motivation to fix this affected me..if he loves me like he claims why would he cause so much pain. [...] I spoke my peace explained exactly what he could do to fix it. It's up to him. I will give him some time...not 16 years...to show me he loves me ..if after he does/trys all he can to show me and he still can't have an erection well then at least I know he's willing to give me any our relationship at least the same energy that he gives to everyone else and 'thing' in his life. It sounds like you are moving toward an authentic assessment of the nature of your relationship. It might benefit you both in that discussion to decouple the presence of erections from desire. At my age (late 40's) and circumstance (newer to sex with new partners) and with condoms, my kit has failed me a couple times as well; however, I desired my partner regardless of that and wanted to experience and please her. I adapted until my body and mind relaxed and I was able to go with it. I also got myself some Cialis because I didn't want my kit to fail the next time I put on a condom with a new partner. That's what a person does when they WANT to have sex. And, ya - it's awkward - both buying condoms and talking with my very sexy doctor about ED - but I'd rather be able to have sex that I want to have. The situation with your husband hurts because his lack of interest in procuring ED drugs that he could easily get, shows that he doesn't actually desire sex with you. It suits him NOT to go because it gives him an excuse besides rejecting you to your face. He might well be coerced into getting boner pills, but it still doesn't solve the problem of his aversion to you - which is rightly hurtful in a married or non-married relationship that is assumed to be mutually romantic. Yours isn't. You might also decouple the notion of "love" from desire. It's very normal to have relationships (including ex-spouses) whom you might love, but who you don't desire or no longer desire. It's really easy to get snagged in these conversations by broadly defined concepts like "love" that enable people to be dishonest with themselves and each other. Mrs Apocrypha insisted for years that she loved me - and still holds to that even as an ex and co-parent - under the most dire and intense circumstances around our sexual dysfunction with each other. Because of her insistence, I and perhaps "we" ended up trying all kinds of crazy things for years to solve the puzzle of her sexuality - when in fact she revealed herself eventually to have a robust sexual appetite. Just, not with me. In the post-marriage dating world, I've seen this story repeated very commonly, from various angles. Your husband isn't going to have sex with you to help you avoid pain. Over the long term, sustainable sex is an endeavor of mutual self-interest - it benefits BOTH of you (unless he gets off specifically on being of sexual service to someone he doesn't desire- which is a kink some people have). Your case about the pain it causes is better directed at informing your own awareness of how you feel in this relationship, rather than at him. Such an argument simply doesn't have the gas to make it to a sustainable situation for him. Desire is needed, and you can't ask for that.
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 12, 2017 22:40:05 GMT -5
Just one comment tonight.......I really at this moment just want someone to think I'm attractive again......
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jetcity
Junior Member
Searching for an answer
Posts: 62
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by jetcity on Dec 13, 2017 14:44:59 GMT -5
Does he have to go to the doctor to get the pills? What if you went and got the pills? Give him a “spiked” sandwich and then have a talk. Would this make him mad or very receptive to what you’re saying?
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 13, 2017 15:17:36 GMT -5
He would have to go to the doctor, get examined and have lab tests to get the pills. The medication is like many: it could be dangerous even fatal if given to the wrong person.
Also, medication can help some men with ED get erections. No medication can make another sexually desire s person they are sexually averse to.
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 13, 2017 15:25:06 GMT -5
Over the last several days my husband and I have had several heart to hearts. Last night was no exception. I find it very difficult to type what was revealed to be during a very honest discussion. I had sneaking suspicions and so did many of the members in this group. He finally had the nerve to admit he no longer finds me attractive he is not turned on by me, infact he is quite turned OFF by my appearance. He states it would be nice if I didnt dress like his mom around the house( I wear sweats if I am doing chores around the house) he wishes I would get made up and do my hair and makeup..wear nice clothes etc. He then follows it with we need to buy you new clothes to which I replied...I wear makeup, eye/and lip) I just bought several new clothing items, I like my hair the way I do it...( Down and curly, he likes it flat ironed which takes an hour or more to do)so I ask what else can I do? Would you like me to start wearing foundation and concealer on my face ( the only thing I don't use, never learned)..this is what made him admit the the wt I have gained over the years is the reason. What he seems to want is new to have my size 6, 125lb at 5 foot 9 frame again.i don't get it...he no longer has a six pack abs, his butt has moved to his gut, he has gained some weight, we gave grown older...I am so attracted to him still..regardless of how his body has changed. I don't understand why it doesn't go both ways.. In a side note..so upset, anxious and sick to my stomach over this I threw up at work and came home..now currently in bed trying to sort all this out ..😥
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Post by csl on Dec 13, 2017 15:30:43 GMT -5
Go through your old photos and pull some examples of him having let himself go.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2017 15:50:56 GMT -5
I could say many of the same things about my W. Then there is the flip side. my wrinkles, my receding hairline, my not so firm anything figure. (fortunately I've only gained 10 lbs, in the past 25 yrs) and yet there was always enough positive about my wife ,for me to still desire being with her..
A realization your H will have to come to terms with someday about himself, his own weight/appearance, by himself and most likely from receiving rejection from the outside world. ( a dose of reality!)
However,-a much more important point- my prediction is that you are going to discover that his "problems" go much deeper than that. The same is true for my STBX. She is either asexual or greysexual with a big dose of narcissism.
There is a lot of finger pointing at you,with three more pointing back at him!
You may want to keep digging into the 'why" that's normal. Give it a season or two,and you will be seeking the, "I've neglected myself for years it's time to heal thy self".
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 13, 2017 15:52:09 GMT -5
It’s understandable that what he said hurt. It would be wonderful to have a romantic and love that continued as strong as you got older and experienced the weight gain and other things that tend to come with she.
Still, what he said may be the truth and if it is, you can’t argue him into sexually desiring you. Even if he was for some reason lying to you, his lack of demonstrated interest in sex with you indicates that for whatever reason, he doesn’t sexually desire you.
It’s a big world and there are many men who’d think you are sexy and attractive as you are now. You could choose to let go of the man who doesn’t desire you. You could choose to become available to one that does. You could choose to see what happens if you follow your husband’s suggestions. You could decide that you are fine as you are and a man isn’t worth keeping if his sexual love depends on your looks.
Frankly, I wonder whether he’s being so critical of you because he is involved with a younger woman whom he only sees when she has had time to dress up for him..., he may even fantasize that if he were with a younger woman, he wouldn’t have ed.
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