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Post by idgaf96 on Dec 10, 2017 23:34:19 GMT -5
I was sitting here thinking about the past 36 hours. I picked up my ldr partner at the airport yesterday morning at 11:45 am. We had an incredible time. Great sex, OMG mind blowing sex, seamless communication and many laughs. We were called gross for making out in public which made us both laugh. We played at sunrise in 70ish mile an hour winds while the sun rose over the mountains and river below us. No matter what we are doing we are almost always touching in one way or another. He is amazing and it is like we can not stop touching. Holding hands, sitting next to each other while out, hands resting on legs or around each other. I love his affection. I love how he enjoys my touch. I am a terrible sleeper. It's hard for me to sleep at all. Many things contribute, my marriage, my work, sickness in my family, ect... I have so many things that I am worried and stressed about I haven't slept much in months. While sleeping in my lovers arms I woke many times. I sometimes wake trembling and feeling lost. Just reaching up and touching his sleeping face i felt safe and secure. He would pull me in tighter and just hold me. It's hard not to compare what I have with my outsourced ldr with my husband. I think of times I have tried to hold his hand or just sit next to him and be close enough to have an arm on his leg or my foot next to his. It's met with the worst kind of rejection. He flinched and pulls away like I am a virus. When I ask why he has a variety of lame excuses. I startled him, he's hot, he didn't mean to or sometimes he is what I assume is closer to honest and says we don't need to show off......Its hard to go home to this cold man. I know it is what it is and I really don't want his affection and don't reach out for it often anymore but it still hurts. It Hurst knowing I repulse him that much. It hurts knowing I can't leave yet. I have 7 years left in my escape plan. Every day I know you makes it harder to believe that I can make it 7 years in this situation. Thank you for your touch.
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Touch
Dec 11, 2017 3:56:31 GMT -5
Post by james on Dec 11, 2017 3:56:31 GMT -5
Your situation and timeframe are quite similar to mine, idgaf96, with the exception that you have managed to oursource, with your husband effectively turning a blind eye. From my perspective, I think you are lucky: you have an exciting partner and wonderful sex. Grass is always greener, though- you don't sound that happy and the countdown to leaving is maybe now more difficult for you than it is for me. What do you think? Does your h know that you are planning a departure? I guess he must given that you left once before. I guess he can't have a frank conversation with you about it?
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Post by M2G on Dec 11, 2017 5:31:33 GMT -5
I think of times I have tried to hold his hand or just sit next to him and be close enough to have an arm on his leg or my foot next to his. It's met with the worst kind of rejection. He flinched and pulls away like I am a virus. When I ask why he has a variety of lame excuses. I startled him, he's hot, he didn't mean to or sometimes he is what I assume is closer to honest and says we don't need to show off......Its hard to go home to this cold man. I know it is what it is and I really don't want his affection and don't reach out for it often anymore but it still hurts. It Hurst knowing I repulse him that much. The flinching I think is the worst blow to self esteem for me - sorry to hear that my W and your H share that same "quality." Glad to hear your ldr is providing you some comfort though. Best wishes!
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 11, 2017 5:51:20 GMT -5
I believe what you are describing is what others get at when they talk about one of the “pitfalls” of outsourcing: It makes you realize how great it CAN be and it makes your own SM situation that much harder to endure. I am happy for you that you are receiving happiness and what you need from your ldr. But as for me, I have actively avoided this. I have pushed away an emotional affair that could have led to exactly what you describe for fear of it making my “real life” unbearable. I’m not sure which is worse: Never having what you are describing, or having it for just a moment and then constantly longing for it the rest of the time?
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Post by petrushka on Dec 11, 2017 6:23:30 GMT -5
I believe what you are describing is what others get at when they talk about one of the “pitfalls” of outsourcing: It makes you realize how great it CAN be and it makes your own SM situation that much harder to endure. I am happy for you that you are receiving happiness and what you need from your ldr. But as for me, I have actively avoided this. I have pushed away an emotional affair that could have led to exactly what you describe for fear of it making my “real life” unbearable. I’m not sure which is worse: Never having what you are describing, or having it for just a moment and then constantly longing for it the rest of the time? Well that old quote "better to have loved and lost" .... If a lover like that was available, I'd jump in with both feet. Never mind if it was for a fortnight or for four years, or forty. Carpe diem; don't avoid living for fear it might hurt. Well, that's me. What do I have to lose? A life, sitting under the table with a tin foil hat on my head, and a tin of bully beef, a candle near by Just In Case? That's how my parents lived and life just passed them by. "Later, later" they said, until it was too late for anything. No joy for them, never mind happiness. Not for me, that. That "pitfall" is no kind of pit to me.
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 11, 2017 8:15:35 GMT -5
I think the biggest pitfall of outsourcing is that while you're getting those needs addressed, you're not getting out and finding something stable and available.
I did outsource and I don't regret it, but I wonder if it kept me stuck. I'm so very happy with my current partner, that in a way I can't regret the timing of the end of my SM, but still I think my long term affair gave me more comfort than was possibly good for me - well, after a while anyway. It was a necessary thing though to help me feel desirable again.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 11, 2017 16:32:20 GMT -5
Life has a lot of choices, and most of those choices are compromises, not ideal solutions.
I cannot bear the thought of messing up the happy home my kids have. I have no hope of having the sort of connection with my wife that I crave. I saw outsourcing as my only way of coping with the situation.
In my case, it won't extend the time I spend in my shit hole, but it will make it more bearable, and may shorten it. I let my wife know that I am indeed having an affair and have no intention of giving it up. I am sure she is weighing her options.
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 11, 2017 16:36:28 GMT -5
Life has a lot of choices, and most of those choices are compromises, not ideal solutions. I cannot bear the thought of messing up the happy home my kids have. I have no hope of having the sort of connection with my wife that I crave. I saw outsourcing as my only way of coping with the situation. In my case, it won't extend the time I spend in my shit hole, but it will make it more bearable, and may shorten it. I let my wife know that I am indeed having an affair and have no intention of giving it up. I am sure she is weighing her options. Wow. I know you have been “out there” with outsourcing, not hiding your picture on sites, etc., but is this the first time you have confirmed to her that you are having an affair? I hope whatever this situation leads to will end up being what’s best for you. I can absolutely identify with your thoughts about feeling like outsourcing is the only way to cope.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 11, 2017 17:12:40 GMT -5
This is the first time on this site, choosinghappy. It is not the first time I have mentioned that I was looking, by any means, but it is the first time I have confirmed any suspicions. Society frowns upon it. My wife is upset that I am "destroying two families," because she knows my partner is also married with children. I don't see it that way. Both of our families are already broken, but we love our children enough to go through the motions. We are providing something to each other that our spouses, of all people, do not do, and It's not just sex. For the first time in decades, I am loved the way I crave to be loved. I understand privacy, and don't want to encourage anyone to be as reckless as I am about their online identity. In my case, I have gone through my worst case scenarios of what would happen professionally and privately if I was identified, and I am comfortable with the repercussions. It will all work out, one way or another. Which path we take is not in my control, but I want to be honest as we work through that.
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Post by idgaf96 on Dec 11, 2017 20:30:45 GMT -5
your not destroying my family. My husband and I have spent many years doing that. Your amazing and have brought happiness to my life.
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Post by baza on Dec 12, 2017 0:59:08 GMT -5
Your run of stories so far is very interesting Sister idgaf96 . You seem to have trialled all the options. Staying Leaving (for 6 months at one point) Outsourcing. Usually the leaving option is the end of the ride. Usually, it is the "last resort" not the "second last resort". It is the outsourcing option that can - and usually does - spin things off at odd and unpredictable tangents, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. Though it can throw a further layer of complication over an already complicated situation. Can you spin it out another 7 years ? and if you can, what might be the emotional cost of so doing ? and what opportunities might you miss out on as a result of that time frame ? Could a case be made for you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish - (a) - how a divorce would shake out for you now (b) - how a divorce would shake out for you in 2023 The info would at least give you something to consider.
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Post by idgaf96 on Dec 12, 2017 13:22:09 GMT -5
I don't know if I can make it the full 7 years. I have to make it as long as possible. If I leave now I'm splitting up my kids family. Who will live where, who get the kids. How is the time divided. Will my kids feel like they have to choose between us? Will he find someone who mistreats MY kids. Will I choose someone who mistreated MY kids?? My husband struggles with masculinity. I am sure him not being able to preform sexually has made this worse. He treats our daughter different than our son because she is a girl. At least I am here to discuss it with her and stand up for her. If he has them on weekends or whatever I don't think I will be able to monitor or sensor him. At the moment I work days and he works nights so someone is always home with them even in the summer when there is no school. I have to protect my kids as much as possible. I can't do that as well if we are separated.
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Post by Dan on Dec 12, 2017 18:08:10 GMT -5
....Its hard to go home to this cold man. I know it is what it is and I really don't want his affection and don't reach out for it often anymore but it still hurts. It Hurst knowing I repulse him that much. It hurts knowing I can't leave yet. I have 7 years left in my escape plan. Every day I know you makes it harder to believe that I can make it 7 years in this situation. Please be careful. Not about the outsourcing.... but depriving yourself of the chance at true companionship for that long. I think my "inner self" gave up on my marriage about two or three years ago. My exit-horizon is two more: I have some kids I need (and deeply want) to launch. In the mean time, the self-deprivation is really weighing on me. I am really putting my duties as a father above my own comfort. I know that if I do the opposite, I may never forgive myself. So that makes the self-deprivation possible. I know that I'm deciding to stick with it -- the sexlessness is chosen, not imposed. But even with that more-healthy mindset... I think the lack of touch and intimacy is taking a real toll on me: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So... please be aware of THAT risk as you tread this path. I am happy for you that you are receiving happiness and what you need from your ldr. But as for me, I have actively avoided this. I have pushed away an emotional affair that could have led to exactly what you describe for fear of it making my “real life” unbearable. I’m not sure which is worse: Never having what you are describing, or having it for just a moment and then constantly longing for it the rest of the time? Weirdly: my personal experience is the *opposite* of what you suspect will happen if you outsource. I *allowed* myself to outsource when I felt the marriage was savable. And -- yes -- the wonderful experiences there were an important part of me realizing "I'll never have that in my marriage". But for me, no, this did not make "real life unbearable". Rather, it has served as Exhibit Number One in the battle between my inner voices, one saying "stay" the other saying "leave". Now that I'm strongly leaning "leave", I don't feel I have the time or energy to outsource. It would be a distraction: I need to focus on my exit plan... formulating it, and executing it.
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Post by baza on Dec 12, 2017 18:57:09 GMT -5
I don't know if I can make it the full 7 years. I have to make it as long as possible. If I leave now I'm splitting up my kids family. Who will live where, who get the kids. How is the time divided. Will my kids feel like they have to choose between us? Will he find someone who mistreats MY kids. Will I choose someone who mistreated MY kids?? My husband struggles with masculinity. I am sure him not being able to preform sexually has made this worse. He treats our daughter different than our son because she is a girl. At least I am here to discuss it with her and stand up for her. If he has them on weekends or whatever I don't think I will be able to monitor or sensor him. At the moment I work days and he works nights so someone is always home with them even in the summer when there is no school. I have to protect my kids as much as possible. I can't do that as well if we are separated. Seeing a lawyer would give you the answers to the question of "Who will live where, who get the kids. How is the time divided" etc in theoretical terms. And having that information does not commit you to anything. It is just information gathering so you can make a fully informed choice about what you might then do. Something else to consider is this - Your spouse apparently is engaging in belittling behaviour toward your daughter in the current and actual environment. It doesn't read like the actual environment right now is all that great for the kids. Your fears about what "could" happen in the event of a split definitely need to be considered. So does the actual fact of what IS happening in the current environment likewise need to be considered.
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Dec 13, 2017 9:43:20 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2017 9:43:20 GMT -5
I might be speaking out of turn, here.
The issue with the kids is tricky. Her husband is not the sharpest tool in the shed, and could end up with joint custody, then end up accepting the attention of any woman that was looking for someone to take advantage of. It is a frightening prospect for any mother concerned about her children's well-being.
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