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Post by brian on Dec 8, 2017 18:35:24 GMT -5
Before I found EP, I would gladly take duty or starfish sex. There was a time that if that was offered, it might have sustained me another decade before I figured out how fucked up the relationship really was. Once I found this group, my eyes were opened and I strted seeing the truth. Duty sex sucks, and at this point I would rather fuck a stranger who wants to fuck me than my roomie who has no desire to fuck at all.
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Post by csl on Dec 9, 2017 8:07:53 GMT -5
Earlier in this thread, I wrote this: That woman was the writer of The Forgiven Wife blog. Like many a blogger, I follow a number of people on my Twitter feed, and last night, an old tweet from The Forgiven Wife crossed my feed that is so appropriate to this topic. Entitled To Duty Sex--and Beyond, FW encourages refusers and avoiders to power through duty sex, because marital healing can be achieved on the other side. I emailed FW last night and she gave me permission to post the link on ILIASM, so here is the link to the Forgiven Wife post.
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Post by M2G on Dec 9, 2017 9:03:45 GMT -5
Earlier in this thread, I wrote this: That woman was the writer of The Forgiven Wife blog. Like many a blogger, I follow a number of people on my Twitter feed, and last night, an old tweet from The Forgiven Wife crossed my feed that is so appropriate to this topic. Entitled To Duty Sex--and Beyond, FW encourages refusers and avoiders to power through duty sex, because marital healing can be achieved on the other side. I emailed FW last night and she gave me permission to post the link on ILIASM, so here is the link to the Forgiven Wife post. Yeah all well and good but duty sex just makes me feel "yucky" for lack of a better word. I already nixed the duty oral that was offered for that reason - made me feel like crap, knowing all through the act that my partner was not into it and refused reciprocation. If for the reason above I might give it a go, but I think it would very hard to do knowing all the while that I can't make her enjoy being with me.
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Post by h on Dec 9, 2017 9:14:53 GMT -5
Earlier in this thread, I wrote this: That woman was the writer of The Forgiven Wife blog. Like many a blogger, I follow a number of people on my Twitter feed, and last night, an old tweet from The Forgiven Wife crossed my feed that is so appropriate to this topic. Entitled To Duty Sex--and Beyond, FW encourages refusers and avoiders to power through duty sex, because marital healing can be achieved on the other side. I emailed FW last night and she gave me permission to post the link on ILIASM, so here is the link to the Forgiven Wife post. I've read on her site before. She's one of the reasons I still have any hope at all for fixing my marriage.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 9, 2017 9:20:33 GMT -5
I moved out of my marital bedroom when my refuser, upon walking in while I was dressing, said, “Excuse me, “ and left.
Looking back, I should have moved out when he started moving as far away as possible when I tried to cuddle him while he was sleeping.
That’s why I cringe at the idea of someone’s having to teach themselves to accept my caresses without rolling their eyes or just enduring my touch. After I moved on from my sm, I discovered the joy of being with someone who lights up when he sees me, savors my kisses and cuddles and strokes my body in his sleep. He loves to make love to me to feel me pleasure him, to give me pleasure. He doesn’t have to do anything special to get himself to love me the way I enjoy. That’s the way he is. This is what it means to be with someone compatible.
I don’t want to be with someone who has to do all of the thinking and planning the blogger does in order to make love to me. I want someone who easily and joyfully makes love to me because I turn them on.
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Post by csl on Dec 9, 2017 10:03:31 GMT -5
Earlier in this thread, I wrote this: That woman was the writer of The Forgiven Wife blog. Like many a blogger, I follow a number of people on my Twitter feed, and last night, an old tweet from The Forgiven Wife crossed my feed that is so appropriate to this topic. Entitled To Duty Sex--and Beyond, FW encourages refusers and avoiders to power through duty sex, because marital healing can be achieved on the other side. I emailed FW last night and she gave me permission to post the link on ILIASM, so here is the link to the Forgiven Wife post. Great article! Except this is different than my concept of duty sex, for to me, some of its defining features are the eye roll, just lying there with her shirt on waiting for it to be over, etc. that the author is trying to avoid. What she is recommending seems deeper and more beautiful than just fulfilling the marital duty. To me. But maybe that’s because there is no standard for what “marital duty” is supposed to mean, and everyone’s mind runs to sex. Other than that I agree. If W would start drinking this kool aid, I might be able to forgive her so we can turn this ship around. One of the things ILIASM has taught me is that there are different terms for sex, such as starfish, reset and duty. I am suggesting that there is actually a distinction between these three types, and that duty sex doesn’t deserve the bad reputation that ILIASM has given it. My distinctions of the three: Starfish sex - of the three, truly the stinkin’ one of the lot. The one with the eye rolling and “Aren’t you done yet?” attitude. Truly rotten, and deserving of its reputation. Reset sex - Wait-and-see sex. You may assume going will or you may assume bad will. Your assumption, whether good or ill, possibly borne of experience or cynic, is still on you. Duty sex - of the three, the most benign. As FW’s blog post indicates, it is often a beginning step in restoration of marital relationships. I get revulsion at starfish sex; I understand the cynicism over reset sex, but I think those who sneer at duty sex are in danger of destroying a salvageable relationship.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2017 10:34:54 GMT -5
I get revulsion at starfish sex; I understand the cynicism over reset sex, but I think those who sneer at duty sex are in danger of destroying a salvageable relationship. Thanks for bringing this to the forum. I've read this article before too. Like h, it would give me hope. However, my STBX sneered at duty sex. I remember it all to well. (I'm not even going to quote it again). There is zero effort on her part to salvage anything. She is so deep in denial to accept any blame for most anything. You can see it in how she handles others and the rest of the family. With that said, there may even be a period of "duty sex" that i will need for myself. There's going to be a period of awkwardness and raw emotions to deal with before things seem natural again with the next person.
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Post by M2G on Dec 9, 2017 10:39:31 GMT -5
I get revulsion at starfish sex; I understand the cynicism over reset sex, but I think those who sneer at duty sex are in danger of destroying a salvageable relationship. Thanks for bringing this to the forum. I've read this article before too. Like h, it would give me hope. However, my STBX sneered at duty sex. I remember it all to well. (I'm not even going to quote it again). There is zero effort on her part to salvage anything. She is so deep in denial to accept any blame for most anything. You can see it in how she handles others and the rest of the family. With that said, there may even be a period of "duty sex" that i will need for myself. There's going to be a period of awkwardness and raw emotions to deal with before things seem natural again with the next person. I tend to agree- it depends on the people involved and their feelings about it in the moment. For me, I would welcome any chance just to be touched.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 10, 2017 7:56:40 GMT -5
“With that said, there may even be a period of "duty sex" that i will need for myself. There's going to be a period of awkwardness and raw emotions to deal with before things seem natural again with the next person. “
If you’d have to force yourself to have sex with your next romantic partner either they would not be the right partner for you (I.e. just because you like them doesn’t mean you find them sexy) or you would have developed a medical or psychological problem and could benefit from therapy or medical treatment. [
When i got a post sm partner, my problem was wearing him out sexually. I was 62. He was 61. We had sex up to 4 times an encounter several times a week. Four years later, we still have sex several times a week, but usually only one encounter a day.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2017 8:27:33 GMT -5
“With that said, there may even be a period of "duty sex" that i will need for myself. There's going to be a period of awkwardness and raw emotions to deal with before things seem natural again with the next person. “ If you’d have to force yourself to have sex with your next romantic partner either they would not be the right partner for you (I.e. just because you like them doesn’t mean you find them sexy) or you would have developed a medical or psychological problem and could benefit from therapy or medical treatment. [ When i got a post sm partner, my problem was wearing him out sexually. I was 62. He was 61. We had sex up to 4 times an encounter several times a week. Four years later, we still have sex several times a week, but usually only one encounter a day. What you say has truth in it,but you misinterpret my quote. I'm speaking of the un-known, when it happens again with someone totally new. It's safe to want a level of understanding from the new person that I will be struggling with a boat load of emotions that where never there before with previous sexual experiences. It may take numerous times to feel back to normal again. That is where asking for "trial and error -some duty sex- relearning, a time of much needed open communication, making a "duty" a top priority.. Understanding that it is okay to touch that person again, as much as you want to. It's going to be okay to want to have sex every time your together because you haven't had sex for over a decade. That it's understandable if you breakdown in tears of joy and sheer thankfulness just to be desired again, being touched again, allowed to touch again ,also to have anxiety about what your new partner says and how they act due to being so paranoid about red flags. I'm not so sure "therapy " is going to fix that. Being with someone who has a knowledge of your background,- and is willing to "give it a season" like the article said- would help eliminate that and fix it. Again all an un-known, speculation, until it happens for those of us who have not had a FWB and are still in a SM.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 10, 2017 8:50:52 GMT -5
“Understanding that it is okay to touch that person again, as much as you want to. It's going to be okay to want to have sex every time your together because you haven't had sex for over a decade. That it's understandable if you breakdown in tears of joy and sheer thankfulness just to be desired again, being touched again, allowed to touch again ,also to have anxiety about what your new partner says and how they act due to being so paranoid about red flags.”
There’s nothing in what you post that is like duty sex. Being afraid that you won’t remember how to have sex or won’t be able to have sex with a new partner: normal after a sm. Also, that’s not duty sex.
Being afraid you won’t know what frequency norms are: normal after a sm.
Being afraid you’ll be too sexually demanding or will overwhelm your partner with your gratefulness: normal after a sm.
Duty sex would be out of desperation going out with a person you find unappealing then forcing yourself to have sex with them because you feel that’s required as part of a date. Duty sex would also be going out with a person you like and are attracted to and having sex with them before you know them well enough or are healed enough to have sex with a new partner. If a person’s touch makes you cringe, don’t have sex with them. You aren’t ready or they are the wrong partner.
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Post by M2G on Dec 10, 2017 9:17:33 GMT -5
Hmmm - with/if W suddenly decided she wanted to give it a go I fear mental issues would strongly interfere. With someone else, not so much. Not looking for someone else though - no desire ATM and and I have enough complications in my life already.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2017 9:37:02 GMT -5
There’s nothing in what you post that is like duty sex. Being afraid that you won’t remember how to have sex or won’t be able to have sex with a new partner: normal after a sm. Also, that’s not duty sex. If a person’s touch makes you cringe, don’t have sex with them. You aren’t ready or they are the wrong partner. Did you read the article? Again......WHITE FLAG! Good luck. Enjoy your intelligence.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 10, 2017 10:42:05 GMT -5
Yes I read and quoted the article. I would not want to have sex with someone who had to go through so much mental work to have sex with me.
This is not a matter of my intelligence. There’s a difference in our preferences. Having been through a sm in which counseling didn’t get my refuser husband to have sex with me, I no longer aspire to have sex with anyone who’d need lots of emotional work to have sex with me. Even if they lovingly do such work, they aren’t a partner I want to be with romantically.
I want to have sex only with a man who desires me because I’m the type of woman who causes him to get hot. If he has to do mental exercises to allow me to touch him, he’s not the man for me. I want to be with someone who thinks I’m so hot that simply my being next to him inspires lustful thoughts makes him want to touch me.
I should have realized the marriage I wanted was over when my sexually capable husband had to resort to counseling in order to try to inspire him to fuck me.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 19, 2017 23:34:11 GMT -5
| Wonderful, loving sex |
| Routine sex |
| Scheduled sex |
| Duty sex |
| Starfish sex |
| Reset Sex | YOU ARE HERE ----> | No possible fucking way sex |
When you are on the bottom, the ones above don't seem so terrible! Late response, but: hahaha! Funny. Hey, if we don't laugh we'll cry, right?
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