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Post by ironhamster on Dec 8, 2017 1:07:01 GMT -5
My wife and I scheduled sex one time, early this year before I realized the hopelessness of the situation.
She has a long standing rule that if she is asleep she is not to be woken up. When I got home, she was not waiting up for me. I went to her bed and roused her gently from her slumber. She was angry about being woken, and I reminded her of our date. She wanted to put it off, and I said, "until When? I am working sixteen hour days the rest of the week." She grudgingly obliged, but the resulting attitude made it not worth the effort.
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Post by james on Dec 8, 2017 3:40:43 GMT -5
What wife and I scheduled was evenings going early to bed with no interruptions, candles, gentle music and time just for each other. I believe the candles may even have been bacon-scented. So strictly speaking, we didn't schedule sex exactly, we scheduled the conditions in which sex might happen. Therefore, for my wife to say that "this is creating an expectation that we will have sex" is not as stupid as, for example, saying "scheduling a holiday abroad is creating an expectation that we will not be living in our house for a week"- but I do agree that, from the point of view of a refused spouse, it is so little different that we can safely ignore any distinction between the two.
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Post by brian on Dec 8, 2017 6:29:05 GMT -5
What wife and I scheduled was evenings going early to bed with no interruptions, candles, gentle music and time just for each other. I believe the candles may even have been bacon-scented. So strictly speaking, we didn't schedule sex exactly, we scheduled the conditions in which sex might happen. Therefore, for my wife to say that "this is creating an expectation that we will have sex" is not as stupid as, for example, saying "scheduling a holiday abroad is creating an expectation that we will not be living in our house for a week"- but I do agree that, from the point of view of a refused spouse, it is so little different that we can safely ignore any distinction between the two. I used to try and schedule time sort of like this, although none of our scheduled evenings had anything to do with going to bed. I would schedule card night, game night, movie night, or whatever, just to try to rekindle some... any... interest. She started blowing them off after the second one, so I stopped scheduling.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 6:57:41 GMT -5
Now that I’m years out of a sm and several years into a normal relationship, I know from experience that with people who like sex, scheduling it is as much fun as scheduling a vacation.
If I ever again am with a partner who dodges scheduled sex or thinks scheduled sex is too much pressure, I’ll know that’s not the man for me.
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Post by takestwototango on Dec 8, 2017 8:00:14 GMT -5
Q: For a refuser, what's the difference between scheduling sex and scheduling a root canal? A: They will keep the appointment for the root canal. Soooo true! Tried that once. Only lasted one day!
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 8, 2017 8:06:57 GMT -5
Now that I’m years out of a sm and several years into a normal relationship, I know from experience that with people who like sex, scheduling it is as much fun as scheduling a vacation. If I ever again am with a partner who dodges scheduled sex or thinks scheduled sex is too much pressure, I’ll know that’s not the man for me. Amen! Recently getting into an LDR, the only sex I get is scheduled sex, and, the anticipation is tremendous. Neither of us are dodging it. We are jonesing for it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 8, 2017 8:15:03 GMT -5
I think there are some women who don't have a lot of spontaneous desire, but still have responsive desire - and scheduling might work for them. I have read articles about women who say they don't FEEL like having sex, but commit to doing it anyway and then get into it. My X said that to me once. That she had no desire for sex as a spontaneous out of the blue activity between us. But that when I was insistent and once the foreplay was underway then she experienced arousal and enjoyed having intercourse. I thought it was something I could work with. Unfortunately I made the mistake of signaling before bedtime, that just brought the response of "don't even think about that". So I stopped trying to preset a mood or expectation and once in bed tried again to just start some foreplay. That just resulted in an excuse(headache, backache, too tired, etc.). Eventually to avoid the potential foreplay gambit, she moved into another bedroom. At that point intimacy went on the quarterly schedule of every 3 months when she was "in the mood".
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 8, 2017 8:18:37 GMT -5
I think there are some women who don't have a lot of spontaneous desire, but still have responsive desire - and scheduling might work for them. I have read articles about women who say they don't FEEL like having sex, but commit to doing it anyway and then get into it. ... At that point intimacy went on the quarterly schedule of every 3 months when she was "in the mood". Sex in our home was on a quarterly basis some years, but it was precipitated by her recognising I was at my breaking point.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 8, 2017 8:26:38 GMT -5
... At that point intimacy went on the quarterly schedule of every 3 months when she was "in the mood". Sex in our home was on a quarterly basis some years, but it was precipitated by her recognising I was at my breaking point. I wondered about the rational behind the quarterly timeframe for her being "in the mood". It just didn't seem logical after she told me her doctor found her hormones to be "fine. I never asked her about it but I speculated it was probably her calculation of the minimum sexual activity required to keep me in the marriage. It was a miscalculation.
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Post by csl on Dec 8, 2017 9:24:02 GMT -5
The scheduling will only work for a couple if they both have a desire for sex. The schedule prevents other facets of their life from precluding the sexual aspect of the union. I disagree with your "only". If both husband and wife are truly good-willed and desire the relationship, then the actual desire for sex isn't required.
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Post by h on Dec 8, 2017 9:51:48 GMT -5
The scheduling will only work for a couple if they both have a desire for sex. The schedule prevents other facets of their life from precluding the sexual aspect of the union. I disagree with your "only". If both husband and wife are truly good-willed and desire the relationship, then the actual desire for sex isn't required. And duty sex is enough to make for a healthy relationship?
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Post by csl on Dec 8, 2017 10:23:30 GMT -5
I disagree with your "only". If both husband and wife are truly good-willed and desire the relationship, then the actual desire for sex isn't required. And duty sex is enough to make for a healthy relationship? Desire for relationship trumps "duty sex". Notice I said "good-willed"? Duty sex presumes less than good will.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 13:31:39 GMT -5
Duty sex can occur when a person provides out of love sex to a person they have no sexual desire for ever. No matter how hard the person tries, they can’t provide the kind of wonderful sex that occurs when two people love each other and sexually desire each other.
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Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2017 13:44:36 GMT -5
| Wonderful, loving sex |
| Routine sex |
| Scheduled sex |
| Duty sex |
| Starfish sex |
| Reset Sex | YOU ARE HERE ----> | No possible fucking way sex |
When you are on the bottom, the ones above don't seem so terrible!
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Post by csl on Dec 8, 2017 14:26:16 GMT -5
Duty sex can occur when a person provides out of love sex to a person they have no sexual desire for ever. No matter how hard the person tries, they can’t provide the kind of wonderful sex that occurs when two people love each other and sexually desire each other. I get that you have your experience, but you are talking out of your hat. I'm not trying to diminish what you have experienced, but I do know of others who have different experiences. One woman who is a very prolific blogger was a gatekeeper and refuser for 20 years. Seven/eight years ago, she had an epiphany of the damage she was doing to both her marriage and her husband, and began the journey to turning herself and her marriage around. She has written about having to talk herself through sex, in the beginning, but knew what she was working toward. Among other things she has written, she has said that she is the higher drive spouse know, as her husband is dealing with health issues. But the kicker is that she is now HIGHER drive, as in "wanting." So your ukase, while coming from your valid experiences, can not be supported, as there are others whose experiences directly contradict your pronouncement, whose experiences are no less valid than your own.
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