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Post by ladytjb on Dec 4, 2017 8:37:52 GMT -5
I have tried to do whatever I could to make him more interested. I’ve suggested role playing, but he says he feels silly. I’ve suggested scheduling a weekly session and he says it’s not spontaneous and that puts pressure on....like we should let it happen naturally. So after several different attempts to change things up, I’ve stopped trying. The rejection from my husband has become too painful. Welcome ladytib, I am sorry that you have ended up here. The above look like red warning flags to me. He is really not interested. You don't say whether you got to this point gradually or suddenly (maybe as soon as you got married?) but either way it's the outcome, the current situation that is important and that is not looking good, I'm afraid. Here are some reasons that get discussed on this site periodically, you might want to get back to us with your best guess: - He has a medical reason (mental health, erectile dysfunction, low testosterone)
- He is having an affair
- He is gay or has become asexual
- He has an addiction, especially porn addiction
- He was sexually abused as a child
- He has a personality disorder
- Doubtless other reasons that others can add
- There is no reason, that is just how things are
Unfortunately, unless he is firmly in the first group with a treatable condition, then it doesn't really matter what the reason is: the fact is that you are have been in a sexless relationship for long enough to get you onto this site. I suggest that you stick around for a while, you will find a lot of support and understanding here, and help with whichever course of action you decide to take.
Good luck and hugs.
Thank you for your thought out response. As far as the list you mentioned, I know he has issues with low testosterone. This lack of a sex life was non-existent for the first five years of our relationship. But he went through a bout of mania and depression and from then on, it’s been getting worse and now to non-existent. He and I have discussed his low t and that he should seek supplements or go back to the doctor for something stronger. He always seemed open to it but we just never got there. I know it’s naive of me to say that I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. I’ve known that my husband can be a selfish person from early on. He wasn’t that selfish that often, but I had seen that side of him every once in a while, but it wasn’t anything that frequent. He has become more selfish than ever before. He’s made more selfish decisions and now acts like I’m an after thought. I’m so confused and hurt. I have never loved anyone so much and I can’t even imagine my life without him. But I also can’t live in this sexless marriage anymore. I crave his touch and his love so much it hurts. Thank you for your help. It definitely helps knowing I’m not alone even though I would never wish this on my worst enemy.
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 4, 2017 8:40:29 GMT -5
...He was basically telling me that he wanted a back rub but felt guilty asking so he’d “have sex with me”. Geez, it’s not a damn chore! I’m sorry I’m all over the place. I’m just at a loss right now. I know he’s not cheating on me and I trust him completely. But I am so damn lonely in this marriage. I would never cheat on him either, yet a piece of me can understand how a person gets to that point. Thoughts? Wisdom? Similar experiences? I’m desperate here so anything you can tell me is sincerely appreciated! Thank you in advance! Greetings, ladytjb, and welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. I would like to offer a perspective on what others call "cheating". Just for some quick background, my marriage was sexless from day one, and I was faithful in thought and deed for twenty-three years, and in deed for twenty-four. I could only stay faithful until my misplaced hope ran out. Cheating is breaking a deal. My deal in my marriage was that my wife was going to be intimate with me. I did not break the deal. She did. An almost universal truth here is that we love our spouses. That is one thing that makes it difficult, but back up and look at your relationship. You have needs and your spouse is refusing to meet them. You would not keep someone you loved in agony. Why do you accept agony from him? If my wife had needs I could not fulfill, I would encourage her, or even help her to find a way to fulfill them, even if it meant opening up the marriage. I appreciate your response. You are right in that they (our spouses) broke their vows by not providing that intimacy and connection. Recently the thought of finding someone who will love me the way I know I deserve is getting stronger. However, the thought of leaving him hurts more than anything else. I am stuck and want a solution. I just don’t know if I want the solution that I fear is coming.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 4, 2017 8:55:50 GMT -5
"I am stuck and want a solution. I just don’t know if I want the solution that I fear is coming."
None of this is easy, but, we take the path of least resistance. As long as you have hope things will get better, you will probably tough it out. In my case, losing hope was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because my new paradigm gave me a more realistic hope that there was a way out, and a way to make life tolerable until I can get out.
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Post by baza on Dec 4, 2017 20:54:20 GMT -5
Sister eternaloptimism made a very relevant point a day or two ago. It was along the lines 0f an ILIASM shithole being where - "people have a tendency to stay not because things are “good enough” but because they didn’t get “bad enough” yet". That's a pretty accurate summation. Chances are that your spouse is not going to pull a fresh bit of idiot behaviour that propels things into "bad enough". More likely it will be the continuation of their present behaviour that will - accumatively and painfully - steadily and surely inch you toward "bad enough" And that, is a long and painful process.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2017 21:09:29 GMT -5
Thank you for your thought out response. As far as the list you mentioned, I know he has issues with low testosterone. This lack of a sex life was non-existent for the first five years of our relationship. But he went through a bout of mania and depression and from then on, it’s been getting worse and now to non-existent. He and I have discussed his low t and that he should seek supplements or go back to the doctor for something stronger. He always seemed open to it but we just never got there. I know I'm a sample size of one, but my testosterone was incredibly low when I was tested. Which surprised me because I wanted sex, and if wife would have wanted some I would have jumped (so to speak) at the opportunity. If a guy wants to make his wife happy, low-T is no excuse, IMHO. Testosterone gel has improved my life, but not my sex life (which is mostly out of my control.) It did make me more assertive, both at work and at home, where I was a doormat before taking it. Your mileage may, and probably will, vary.
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Post by james on Dec 5, 2017 4:11:17 GMT -5
I would say that the point is not the low testosterone- the issue is his seeming lack of interest in fixing the problem.
Shynjude, I think that I probably have a low testosterone at the moment, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were evidence out there somewhere that living in a sexless marriage for a man (and maybe also a woman, IDK) has the effect over time of reducing testosterone levels, such that libido will tend to fall gradually for the refused partner. Interesting that you took testosterone- for me I would be cautious about wanting to do something that would increase my sex drive - and therefore levels of frustration.
If I were in the position where I could find a new partner, I would take testosterone then... fireworks...!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2017 4:38:09 GMT -5
There are health benefits to T, james. But I had the same thought that perhaps the SM caused the low T levels. No medical evidence I'm aware of, but the body does have coping mechanisms that aren't understood....
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Post by h on Dec 5, 2017 5:56:53 GMT -5
I'm with james on taking testosterone. I don't really care what the health benefits are. I would never dream of taking something that could increase my desire for something that I'm not going to get. If anything, I would want to lower it. (Eating less meat and more soy does this.)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2017 10:33:14 GMT -5
ladytjbThis is probably an oversimplification but I don't see how: Let your husband know how much pain you are in. Don't hold back. Tell him what you are telling us. Whether it is in a letter or in person. Make sure he understands the depth of your pain. If he still loves you he will take action. He will cry at your pain. How can he not? The person he loves is in pain, because of his inactivity, how can he let this happen? Maybe there's a medical issue or a psychological issue. But if he loves you then he is the one that should be trying to fix this...for the woman he loves. If he doesn't care, blows you off, makes excuses, laughs it off....then you have a much bigger problem. But better to know it sooner than later. There are a lot of bitter people in your situation for years. Don't become one of us.
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Post by h on Dec 5, 2017 10:45:19 GMT -5
ladytjb This is probably an oversimplification but I don't see how: Let your husband know how much pain you are in. Don't hold back. Tell him what you are telling us. Whether it is in a letter or in person. Make sure he understands the depth of your pain. If he still loves you he will take action. He will cry at your pain. How can he not? The person he loves is in pain, because of his inactivity, how can he let this happen? Maybe there's a medical issue or a psychological issue. But if he loves you then he is the one that should be trying to fix this...for the woman he loves. If he doesn't care, blows you off, makes excuses, laughs it off....then you have a much bigger problem. But better to know it sooner than later. There are a lot of bitter people in your situation for years. Don't become one of us. I'll second this ^^^^^^. I'm working on building more open communication with my W in the hopes of either saving the marriage or gaining the clarity that it is unable to be saved. I wish I had found this place and started this work 9 years ago. Speak your mind now and often. Don't hide and pretend that everything is ok. Doing so only prolongs your pain.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 11:52:03 GMT -5
“I'm with james on taking testosterone. I don't really care what the health benefits are. I would never dream of taking something that could increase my desire for something that I'm not going to get. If anything, I would want to lower it. (Eating less meat and more soy does this.)”
Low t is not just linked to low libido, it also is linked to depression, fatigue and muscular weakness. Post sm lover had all of those symptoms a year before dating me. He was not in any kind of sexual relationship then. However, he wanted to feel like himself again, went to his doctor, found out he had low t so started using t. I think this is the way many men would react if they value being sexual, having energy and being assertive and not depressed.
If you have low t and don’t take it, you are sacrificing s lot more than your libido.
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Post by h on Dec 5, 2017 11:57:25 GMT -5
“I'm with james on taking testosterone. I don't really care what the health benefits are. I would never dream of taking something that could increase my desire for something that I'm not going to get. If anything, I would want to lower it. (Eating less meat and more soy does this.)” Low t is not just linked to low libido, it also is linked to depression, fatigue and muscular weakness. Post sm lover had all of those symptoms a year before dating me. He was not in any kind of sexual relationship then. However, he wanted to feel like himself again, went to his doctor, found out he had low t so started using t. I think this is the way many men would react if they value being sexual, having energy and being assertive and not depressed. If you have low t and don’t take it, you are sacrificing s lot more than your libido. Some would argue that it's worth the trade off if you haven't had any symptoms bad enough yet.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 5, 2017 14:42:03 GMT -5
"This lack of sex between us has a very apparent negative effect on our relationship" - you say Sister ladytjb . It is clear that this has had a negative effect on you, but it is far from clear that it has had a negative effect on him. In fact it reads like it hasn't had any negative effect on him at all. He appears to be quite happy with things just as they are right now. On what basis would you figure he would want to make some radical change to the situation, when the situation is one that he is quite happy in ? You know, I've had an incremental change in the way I tend to frame this - tiny but significant. I think that people in this situation - no matter on which side of they table they sit - are unhappy with their sexual deal. There are people who want to have sex with their partner but can't, and feel trapped in an unsatisfying relationship that lacks intimacy. There are people who don't want to have sex with their partner, who also feel trapped in an unsatisfying relationship that lacks intimacy. In both cases, the cost of being authentic with themselves and each other about their scenario is that the other benefits of their relationship are threatened. In both cases, the preservation of those benefits is prioritized, with each side feeling they are making the greater sacrifice for the other and for the household enterprise as they pull toward opposite corners in sexual intimacy. I don't think it's established that he's "quite happy" (though he might be), or even "content". In my own experience, FWIW, my partner wasn't happy at all. In the scenario described, there's at least awareness over the brewing difference between them. The "sex as currency" slip reveals that he's well aware of the ledger and the tension - enough to use it as a bargaining chip. Which means he knows he wants it less (with her). To the OP, I think we tend to overcomplicate this question, myself included - maybe more than most even. Your partner has, or at least had, a sex drive. You know this much. You know that your partner no longer desires sex with you. Your partner knows that too. You feel pain in being reminded that partner no longer desires sex with you - a reminder that happens each time you try. And even when HE tries, he finds passive-aggressive ways to remind you that he doesn't WANT to. So, knowing that he doesn't want to have sex with you, what does that now mean for the kind of relationship you have? Because it's not just the lack of sex that causes the pain, it's the knowing that he doesn't WANT to with you. That knowledge exists ALL the time, whether you are having sex with him or not.
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Post by tirefire on Dec 5, 2017 17:44:26 GMT -5
ladytjb, welcome to a group of friends. Your posts in this thread really resonate with me. I hear ya'. I recommend that you push hard for change. Things will not get better. One day you will realize you love your spouse as family, not romantically, not as a potential lover. It is a sickening feeling. If you want to fix things, try to do it before that happens. Rejection makes us not want what we wanted before. I guess it is a defence mechanism. Anyway, welcome aboard the SS Iliasm.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 18:18:18 GMT -5
“Things will not get better. One day you will realize you love your spouse as family, not romantically, not as a potential lover. It is a sickening feeling. “
I experienced it as liberating. Once I lost romantic feelings for my husband who didn’t love me romantically, I was able to divorce him and find someone with whom I could be in a mutual romantic relationship. I no longer pinned my hopes and love in a man who was incapable of romantically loving me.
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