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Post by ladytjb on Dec 3, 2017 11:06:44 GMT -5
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years, married for 5 years. The first half of our relationship we had a fairly normal and frequent sex life. It’s something we never even had to worry about as we just connected sexually and in every other way. Fast forward to now and it’s completely different. My husband is the one who is not interested in sex whatsoever. While he and I are both on antidepressants, which can zap a sex drive, we’ve both been on these meds long before these issues arose. My husband and I will joke about our lack of intimacy and often speak the line “what is sex again?” but it doesn’t make it any less painful. I have tried to do whatever I could to make him more interested. I’ve suggested role playing, but he says he feels silly. I’ve suggested scheduling a weekly session and he says it’s not spontaneous and that puts pressure on....like we should let it happen naturally. So after several different attempts to change things up, I’ve stopped trying. The rejection from my husband has become too painful.
This lack of sex between us has a very apparent negative effect on our relationship. We can no longer communicate as well as we used to. I have tried to discuss this with him but it always gets brushed aside or not taken seriously enough. I have told him how much I miss him even though he is by my side. I’ve told him that I ache for his touch. I ache for us to reconnect.
And the thing is that when we have sex it is always wonderful. We have always had an incredible connection and spark between us, but it’s been so long since I last felt it. And I fear my husband could care less about sex or anything having to do with sex and intimacy. After not seeing him for almost a week, he arrived home super late last night. He got inside and as he was dancing around trying to get to the bathroom to pee, he proclaimed that if I gave him a back rub and helped rub his sore back, that he would have sex with me. I don’t think he realized how much that actually hurt. He was basically telling me that he wanted a back rub but felt guilty asking so he’d “have sex with me”. Geez, it’s not a damn chore!
I’m sorry I’m all over the place. I’m just at a loss right now. I know he’s not cheating on me and I trust him completely. But I am so damn lonely in this marriage. I would never cheat on him either, yet a piece of me can understand how a person gets to that point.
Thoughts? Wisdom? Similar experiences? I’m desperate here so anything you can tell me is sincerely appreciated! Thank you in advance!
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Dec 3, 2017 14:34:37 GMT -5
I know how you feel... There's no easy answer.
There's the eternal 3 choices, stay, cheat, leave. I stayed, but it's cost me. I couldn't cheat. I was almost ready to leave when she called it quits.
Staying is expensive emotionally. Leaving is expensive financially. Cheating can cost you everything.
Weigh up the options and make a choice, but it's not easy.
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Post by baza on Dec 3, 2017 16:34:07 GMT -5
"This lack of sex between us has a very apparent negative effect on our relationship" - you say Sister ladytjb . It is clear that this has had a negative effect on you, but it is far from clear that it has had a negative effect on him. In fact it reads like it hasn't had any negative effect on him at all. He appears to be quite happy with things just as they are right now. On what basis would you figure he would want to make some radical change to the situation, when the situation is one that he is quite happy in ?
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Post by Neotericgal on Dec 3, 2017 16:49:55 GMT -5
First, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Its hard to summarize 5 years of sadness, loneliness and pain into a brief post, but you have explained it well enough for me to empathize with you.
This forum is a great resource, full of folks with varying stories that are either in a sexless marriage too, or have made it out of one - I am from the latter group.
I suspect that you are at the point where you know you need support, but are unsure of where to go from right here.
I can completely relate to parts of your story because I lived it too. It sounds like you have reached the point where you need to have some sort of serious, deep discussion with your husband about trying to identify if there is a possible medical reason for his growing disinterest in sex, like low testosterone (Which is easily treatable) or if there might be another treatable cause like stress or depression.
This is also a good time for you to determine where you personally are willing to 'draw the line'. If he tells you he has no desire for sex, is this something that you can see yourself living with for the whole next year? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? I welcome you to read my rant letter to Hubby post, you will see some similarities.
I can also relate to the insult of a mercy 'romp'. My H (now EX) would do something sexually to me if I asked him to, (did I mention that he actually told me that if I wanted anything sexual I had to ask for it cause he didn't need it?) but he was unable to actually make it seem anything other then a complete chore. In fact, my BOB had a bit more appeal, but neither did anything to build the excitement or anticipation or make me feel utterly desirable and wanted and needed.
I kindly suggest that you take some time for yourself to figure out what your deal-breakers are in your relationship. Here are some questions that you can do some soul-searching on. Can you live with the lack of intimacy? And, What are you willing to do if you find that you cannot?
Are you willing / able to come up with an exit strategy in case you find that he is unwilling or unable to work on the state of your marriage too? He has to be 100% invested in working on it as well, it requires nothing less then that from both people to rebuild it.
I've seen it suggested to write a letter to your partner and put your feelings down on paper (or a word document) to help you frame exactly what you would like to say to him about how you are feeling. Also, decide on what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not - you only have one life to live so choose wisely for you!
Good luck to you.
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Post by takestwototango on Dec 3, 2017 17:47:54 GMT -5
ladytjb, your husband sounds very similar to mine. We have only been married 17 months now, but our issues started the day we got married, unfortunately, so I didn't even get a good year in! Before the marriage, though, he was a several times a week person. Now, I'm lucky to get it once a month, but even that is becoming very rare. Last week I suggested to him that we schedule a couple days a week for sex and he was all for that. The first night we had scheduled, he couldn't get an erection. The next scheduled night (3 days later), he wanted a back rub instead. I was not willing to oblige. The next day he woke up with an erection, which he says never happens, so I tried to take advantage of it, but he said I was only making him want to go pee, so that ended that. By the third scheduled night, the next week, I was pretty frustrated and we argued, so naturally, no sex. Our next scheduled night is tomorrow night, but because we are still arguing, I'm sure it won't happen. Plus he is having a stress test in the morning, so there is his next excuse! There are days I am just ready to quit, but I want to get started on counseling (in January) and eventually get into couple's counseling - if I can last that long. I love my husband very much, but this sexless marriage is killing me. And like everyone else here, it's not only the sex that I miss. There is no affection at all. I am trying to learn how to curb my frustration and I'm hoping counseling will help, because I know it is a problem when I start arguing with him. It only gives him more fuel. But, my Italian blood comes to a boil quickly these days. It's like a horrible cycle!! No sex = frustration = anger = fighting = no sex. Our sex isn't even wonderful anymore. It's not horrible, but there is rarely PIV. It seems he would rather use my toys on me, which gets old fast.
Like baza said, my husband would be perfectly happy to not have sex ever again - with me - I believe. If I never brought it up, I know he wouldn't. But, I know I need counseling at least for myself. If he decides to join, that is going to be his choice. I will invite him once. If he decides not to go, I will begin making my exit plan. I cannot make this marriage work on my own. Marriage is a two way street - both have to be willing to put in effort and admit to their mistakes. Counseling is my last resort. I know that many might think I haven't given this marriage enough time, but I have a very low tolerance for being treated like shit. This ain't my first rodeo and may not be my last! Everyone's tolerance is different. It amazes me how some people last 10-20 years or more in a sexless marriage, because I know it's not just sex that is missing. Not having affection is THE worst. It rips out your heart and soul. I can't live like that anymore. I'm hoping individual counseling will help me control my frustration and anger issues, then, if he chooses (or we last that long!) we can do couple's counseling. There is no other way through it. I do wish you the best, though. No one wants to be here. I hate having to be here. But I am SO glad I am not the only woman in the world whose husband does not want to have sex with her. I really thought there was something wrong with me for a while there. Now I realize it's not just me (even though I don't always help the situation). There is something wrong with him, mentally. I would love to see him get into individual therapy, because I know he desperately needs it, but he refuses to admit right now that he has any issues. At this stage in life, he may never change, but that doesn't mean I have to live with his issues, too!
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 3, 2017 17:51:31 GMT -5
"This lack of sex between us has a very apparent negative effect on our relationship" - you say Sister ladytjb . It is clear that this has had a negative effect on you, but it is far from clear that it has had a negative effect on him. In fact it reads like it hasn't had any negative effect on him at all. He appears to be quite happy with things just as they are right now. On what basis would you figure he would want to make some radical change to the situation, when the situation is one that he is quite happy in ? I say that the lack of a sex life has an apparent negative effect because we are completely different people entirely when there’s no intimacy. We’ve discussed it before at different times. However, you are right. He may not see it as as much of a problem as I do and could be happier than I even realize with how things are between us. These last few weeks have been full of some hard truths as I call them. We are spending most of our time apart as we are in the middle of moving three hours away, back to our “home” area where our families are. Since finding the right jobs and the right home aren’t something that happen overnight, we’ve split our time and he’s gone up (north from here) before me. This time apart has given me a lot of time to think about what I think I need to work on as well as what I’m willing to continue to deal with. Thanks for the honest reply. I appreciate it!
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 3, 2017 19:29:03 GMT -5
ladytjb, your husband sounds very similar to mine. We have only been married 17 months now, but our issues started the day we got married, unfortunately, so I didn't even get a good year in! Before the marriage, though, he was a several times a week person. Now, I'm lucky to get it once a month, but even that is becoming very rare. Last week I suggested to him that we schedule a couple days a week for sex and he was all for that. The first night we had scheduled, he couldn't get an erection. The next scheduled night (3 days later), he wanted a back rub instead. I was not willing to oblige. The next day he woke up with an erection, which he says never happens, so I tried to take advantage of it, but he said I was only making him want to go pee, so that ended that. By the third scheduled night, the next week, I was pretty frustrated and we argued, so naturally, no sex. Our next scheduled night is tomorrow night, but because we are still arguing, I'm sure it won't happen. Plus he is having a stress test in the morning, so there is his next excuse! There are days I am just ready to quit, but I want to get started on counseling (in January) and eventually get into couple's counseling - if I can last that long. I love my husband very much, but this sexless marriage is killing me. And like everyone else here, it's not only the sex that I miss. There is no affection at all. I am trying to learn how to curb my frustration and I'm hoping counseling will help, because I know it is a problem when I start arguing with him. It only gives him more fuel. But, my Italian blood comes to a boil quickly these days. It's like a horrible cycle!! No sex = frustration = anger = fighting = no sex. Our sex isn't even wonderful anymore. It's not horrible, but there is rarely PIV. It seems he would rather use my toys on me, which gets old fast. Like baza said, my husband would be perfectly happy to not have sex ever again - with me - I believe. If I never brought it up, I know he wouldn't. But, I know I need counseling at least for myself. If he decides to join, that is going to be his choice. I will invite him once. If he decides not to go, I will begin making my exit plan. I cannot make this marriage work on my own. Marriage is a two way street - both have to be willing to put in effort and admit to their mistakes. Counseling is my last resort. I know that many might think I haven't given this marriage enough time, but I have a very low tolerance for being treated like shit. This ain't my first rodeo and may not be my last! Everyone's tolerance is different. It amazes me how some people last 10-20 years or more in a sexless marriage, because I know it's not just sex that is missing. Not having affection is THE worst. It rips out your heart and soul. I can't live like that anymore. I'm hoping individual counseling will help me control my frustration and anger issues, then, if he chooses (or we last that long!) we can do couple's counseling. There is no other way through it. I do wish you the best, though. No one wants to be here. I hate having to be here. But I am SO glad I am not the only woman in the world whose husband does not want to have sex with her. I really thought there was something wrong with me for a while there. Now I realize it's not just me (even though I don't always help the situation). There is something wrong with him, mentally. I would love to see him get into individual therapy, because I know he desperately needs it, but he refuses to admit right now that he has any issues. At this stage in life, he may never change, but that doesn't mean I have to live with his issues, too! You definitely know what I’m going through. Unfortunately he’s my first marriage and my patience has been tested for a lot longer than most. While 90% of me says that I married him “for better or for worse”, this lack of sex and sincere affection has the other 10% of me wondering what life would be like if I were to leave. I love him so much that the thought crushes me. And he has always been adamant about loving me and not being able to think about living without me. However, he’s not great at showing that to me anymore and frankly, words are hard to believe when there’s no action to back them up. I can only get rejected by my husband so many times before it makes me feel like it’s me. Like he isn’t attracted to me anymore. Like he doesn’t see me as anything but his best friend. I miss the passion and the love between us. When we kiss, it’s almost out of habit. He does it so quickly and without thought. While it’s nice to get a quick kiss, it’s hard to not feel anything from him when he kisses me. We’ve been apart for a bit while we navigate our upcoming move, (he’s there and I’m still here) and we got to see each other for four hours. (That’s when he gave me the whole “give me a back rub and I’ll have sex with you” offer). When he was leaving to go back, I held on to the kiss just a few seconds longer and I instantly started to tear up. There was such a sense of longing and all I wanted was for us to be back to the loving, passionate times from when we were new.....to be back to a time when I knew with every inch of my being that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 3, 2017 19:37:05 GMT -5
First, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Its hard to summarize 5 years of sadness, loneliness and pain into a brief post, but you have explained it well enough for me to empathize with you. This forum is a great resource, full of folks with varying stories that are either in a sexless marriage too, or have made it out of one - I am from the latter group. I suspect that you are at the point where you know you need support, but are unsure of where to go from right here. I can completely relate to parts of your story because I lived it too. It sounds like you have reached the point where you need to have some sort of serious, deep discussion with your husband about trying to identify if there is a possible medical reason for his growing disinterest in sex, like low testosterone (Which is easily treatable) or if there might be another treatable cause like stress or depression. This is also a good time for you to determine where you personally are willing to 'draw the line'. If he tells you he has no desire for sex, is this something that you can see yourself living with for the whole next year? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? I welcome you to read my rant letter to Hubby post, you will see some similarities. I can also relate to the insult of a mercy 'romp'. My H (now EX) would do something sexually to me if I asked him to, (did I mention that he actually told me that if I wanted anything sexual I had to ask for it cause he didn't need it?) but he was unable to actually make it seem anything other then a complete chore. In fact, my BOB had a bit more appeal, but neither did anything to build the excitement or anticipation or make me feel utterly desirable and wanted and needed. I kindly suggest that you take some time for yourself to figure out what your deal-breakers are in your relationship. Here are some questions that you can do some soul-searching on. Can you live with the lack of intimacy? And, What are you willing to do if you find that you cannot? Are you willing / able to come up with an exit strategy in case you find that he is unwilling or unable to work on the state of your marriage too? He has to be 100% invested in working on it as well, it requires nothing less then that from both people to rebuild it. I've seen it suggested to write a letter to your partner and put your feelings down on paper (or a word document) to help you frame exactly what you would like to say to him about how you are feeling. Also, decide on what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not - you only have one life to live so choose wisely for you! Good luck to you. Thank you for your response. I have actually started writing him a letter just today. Per some of my other replies to other comments on my post, we are currently spending the majority of our time apart. We are in the process of moving back home but it’s not something that can happen overnight. He’s been working up there and staying at his parents while I’m still in our apartment working down here. We live three hours south of where we will be moving back to/where he is right now. The housing market where we are moving exploded recently so availability is rare. There’s even a wait list for storage units. So needless to say it’s going to take a little time for us to fully transition. Thankfully this is coming when I need a break from him the most. He can’t handle the thought of me not wanting to be with him so I don’t make it sound that way. I just remind him that we are doing what we have to do and time apart is always a good thing. I am working on this letter and trying to find the right way to tell him that I can’t live like this any longer. I cannot continue to live in this torturous cycle of being so attracted to my husband only to be rejected and have no sex life or intimacy for years on end. I don’t want to hurt him but I cannot keep this bottled up any more. It makes me feel dirty to ask for sex but then I remind myself that it’s not dirty, it’s healthy and an important part of any marriage/relationship. He’s the only man I ever want to be with, and I am happy to show him how I feel. But I NEED him to start showing me how he says he feels or this marriage may not make it.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 3, 2017 20:33:11 GMT -5
“I don’t want to hurt him but I cannot keep this bottled up any more. “
Once you let him know how much he is hurting you, you will know whether he’s as concerned about hurting you as you are concerned about hurting him.
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Post by Neotericgal on Dec 3, 2017 21:42:19 GMT -5
“I don’t want to hurt him but I cannot keep this bottled up any more. “ Once you let him know how much he is hurting you, you will know whether he’s as concerned about hurting you as you are concerned about hurting him. This exactly. Also falls in line with the question that baza posed to you in his response about your H. You have every right to have an expectation of intimacy in your marriage. If your vows were like mine, you Both promised each other to have and to hold. If someone is withholding (that part that makes you feel like he desires you and wants to be with you intimately and in life) then that person probably isn’t as concerned about your needs or keeping promises they made to you. What you didn’t sign up for was to live a forced celibacy that you didn’t ask for when you chose your husband as your life partner, made even worse because you desire sex with him.
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Post by baza on Dec 3, 2017 21:49:20 GMT -5
"I have actually started writing him a letter just today" you say Sister ladytjb . What are your expectations about this letter ? The evidence in the membership is that the letter strategy will not serve as an agent for change by your spouse, but can be a very valuable means of you getting your thoughts down on paper in some sort of order and also to give yourself a bit more clarity about the situation. It is a worthwhile exercise in and of itself - even if you never give it to him. If, once you have drafted it, you choose to actually give it to him, I would suggest that in it, you do NOT say anything that you are not presently prepared to do. That is to say, don't make any threats that you are not prepared to carry out. In short, don't say anything you don't mean.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 3, 2017 23:46:06 GMT -5
...He was basically telling me that he wanted a back rub but felt guilty asking so he’d “have sex with me”. Geez, it’s not a damn chore! I’m sorry I’m all over the place. I’m just at a loss right now. I know he’s not cheating on me and I trust him completely. But I am so damn lonely in this marriage. I would never cheat on him either, yet a piece of me can understand how a person gets to that point. Thoughts? Wisdom? Similar experiences? I’m desperate here so anything you can tell me is sincerely appreciated! Thank you in advance! Greetings, ladytjb, and welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. I would like to offer a perspective on what others call "cheating". Just for some quick background, my marriage was sexless from day one, and I was faithful in thought and deed for twenty-three years, and in deed for twenty-four. I could only stay faithful until my misplaced hope ran out. Cheating is breaking a deal. My deal in my marriage was that my wife was going to be intimate with me. I did not break the deal. She did. An almost universal truth here is that we love our spouses. That is one thing that makes it difficult, but back up and look at your relationship. You have needs and your spouse is refusing to meet them. You would not keep someone you loved in agony. Why do you accept agony from him? If my wife had needs I could not fulfill, I would encourage her, or even help her to find a way to fulfill them, even if it meant opening up the marriage.
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Post by james on Dec 4, 2017 4:10:47 GMT -5
I have tried to do whatever I could to make him more interested. I’ve suggested role playing, but he says he feels silly. I’ve suggested scheduling a weekly session and he says it’s not spontaneous and that puts pressure on....like we should let it happen naturally. So after several different attempts to change things up, I’ve stopped trying. The rejection from my husband has become too painful. Welcome ladytib, I am sorry that you have ended up here. The above look like red warning flags to me. He is really not interested. You don't say whether you got to this point gradually or suddenly (maybe as soon as you got married?) but either way it's the outcome, the current situation that is important and that is not looking good, I'm afraid. Here are some reasons that get discussed on this site periodically, you might want to get back to us with your best guess: - He has a medical reason (mental health, erectile dysfunction, low testosterone)
- He is having an affair
- He is gay or has become asexual
- He has an addiction, especially porn addiction
- He was sexually abused as a child
- He has a personality disorder
- Doubtless other reasons that others can add
- There is no reason, that is just how things are
Unfortunately, unless he is firmly in the first group with a treatable condition, then it doesn't really matter what the reason is: the fact is that you are have been in a sexless relationship for long enough to get you onto this site. I suggest that you stick around for a while, you will find a lot of support and understanding here, and help with whichever course of action you decide to take.
Good luck and hugs.
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Post by M2G on Dec 4, 2017 6:04:44 GMT -5
You definitely know what I’m going through. Unfortunately he’s my first marriage and my patience has been tested for a lot longer than most. While 90% of me says that I married him “for better or for worse”, this lack of sex and sincere affection has the other 10% of me wondering what life would be like if I were to leave. Hello @ladytib and very sorry to hear of your situation. That marriage vow "for better or worse" in my opinion pertains couples who are united against a common problem or a problem internal to the marriage that both partners recognize as such and work together to fix. That vow - and all others, suppose that certain other things are in place. Faithfulness is one. Intimacy is another - and when one spouse retracts intimacy from the other, this is emotional abuse. Just as bad as cheating, it is emotional abandonment. He is cheating you out of what he promised to you when you both took your marriage vows. You can say "he/she doesn't mean it that way," or "he/she isn't doing it intentionally to hurt me," but the outcome is the same. The mental cruelty is the same. The devastating effects on your self esteem are the same, as are the feelings of worthlessness. If he fights changing or working on himself, then he DOES mean it that way - no way to sugar-coat it. No way you can fix it. The fix has to come from your H.
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 4, 2017 8:28:10 GMT -5
....like we should let it happen naturally. I've heard that exact line before. It must have been 2 years ago. Guess what never happened naturally (or at all)? Sex just doesn't come naturally to the sexless. Thank you!! Sometimes the reality is that you have to schedule the time together. The act itself can be as spontaneous as you make it.
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