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Post by shamwow on Nov 30, 2017 14:55:24 GMT -5
Fortunately, my ex-wife never had a major medical issue during the 20 years we were married. The closest she had was a moderate car accident. She totalled the car and still suffers some minor effects. When that happened, I received her call. I was in a meeting but as soon as I heard the phrase car accident I was already on my feet and out the door. I was across town in record time. She wanted me to pick up the kids first. I did that and then got to where she was to make sure she was OK. She didn't have to go to the hospital, so I went to the store with my daughter and got bandages, salves, and whatever else I thought would make her more comfortable. I continued to do this and let her rest for days. This happened about 6 months prior to me telling her I wanted a divorce. When I totaled my motorcycle a few years ago, my head hit the pavement a mere 8 inches away from where a Tahoe would have run it over. I know this from the helmet and skid marks on the pavement. In an adrenaline-fueled shaking, I called her and she told me she'd be by as soon as she ran a couple errands. Even the cop had a "WTF" expression on his face (call was on speakerphone since I was bleeding from my road rash). She eventually came and gave me a lift home. The only surgical procedure I've ever had involved removing my appendix. I was in the hospital overnight and when it was time to pick me up, it was my mother who came despite the fact my ex-wife was a stay at home mom. To this day, I have no idea why. So I suspect that any care in the event one of us got sick would be a one-way affair. Like ballofconfusion, if either her or I was seriously ill, the other would be on the next flight. It's hard to explain, but when she is hurting, I hurt. I know it is the same way with her. But let's say she wasn't available. I'd much prefer my parents or even a stranger to the mercy of my ex-wife (even when she didn't have the ex title).
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Nov 30, 2017 18:35:31 GMT -5
I’m separated from my H and to answer the question...No, I wouldn’t want him to look after me. I believe my H to be a narcissist/sociopath. No empathy or genuine concern would ever be shown to me. I think he’d be counting the days til he can deposit my life insurance check. I just shuttered...scary thought right there. As far as me caring for him, I suppose I would seeing as though I’m a decent human being, compassionate and kind. Which I believe made me a prime target to the predator I married. There is a positive side to this. You offer a detached relationship with your ex as you move forward with other men. I will be offering the same to other women.. Like yourself,and others, my W behavior to my near death experience, and her treatment of her father's ailing health makes it crystal clear that I am making the right choice. Especially with my W's detached attitude towards others. The selfishness of her behavior becomes clearer every day. Being there for my STBX in the future for health issues? Perhaps for the benefit of the children. (more than I would want to do.I am going for as much detachment as possible) It's going to be quite a mind game trying to decipher the emotions/compassion/sympathy/caring/understanding you would have for someone you spent decades of your life with, especially when you can have the same feelings towards a complete stranger. There's a lot of teaching, training, experience, religion,morals, and ethics that have been instilled in us for our entire lives. My guess is it will take even more trial, error, and counselling. It goes back to boundaries and "healing thyself". I haven’t even thought about other men yet but when I’m ready to be loved, respected and honored...I hope I find a kind, honest, frisky man oh and he must be straight lol!
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Post by workingonit on Dec 1, 2017 10:08:04 GMT -5
choosinghappy I am so sorry for your loss. Ironically just last week my h told me he was having a symptom that, because I am in health care, I know could be something serious. The symptoms have since resolved which is only somewhat reassuring as if it is cancer the symptoms generally tend to come and go prior to getting serious. For now I am relieved as it very well may be something benign. I am sharing this to say that as soon as he showed me the symptoms my first thought was "Oh shit, this changes everything." It is not in me as a person to leave him if he has something like cancer. Not at this moment. Of course, we are still married and are, in fact, working on our SM so maybe if that were not the case I would feel differently. I don't think I would want my h to take care of me if I were sick. I think he would have a deer-in-headlights expression all the time and I would have to reassure him and end up taking care of him. I think that is a pretty significant picture of the relationship. But maybe things are changing? Anyway, I think it is clear you are not ready for divorce. That is fine! Make the decision to stay work for you though by clarifying what you need to work on in yourself while you are there. And maybe he will wake up?!
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Post by shamwow on Dec 1, 2017 10:30:37 GMT -5
There is a positive side to this. You offer a detached relationship with your ex as you move forward with other men. I will be offering the same to other women.. Like yourself,and others, my W behavior to my near death experience, and her treatment of her father's ailing health makes it crystal clear that I am making the right choice. Especially with my W's detached attitude towards others. The selfishness of her behavior becomes clearer every day. Being there for my STBX in the future for health issues? Perhaps for the benefit of the children. (more than I would want to do.I am going for as much detachment as possible) It's going to be quite a mind game trying to decipher the emotions/compassion/sympathy/caring/understanding you would have for someone you spent decades of your life with, especially when you can have the same feelings towards a complete stranger. There's a lot of teaching, training, experience, religion,morals, and ethics that have been instilled in us for our entire lives. My guess is it will take even more trial, error, and counselling. It goes back to boundaries and "healing thyself". I haven’t even thought about other men yet but when I’m ready to be loved, respected and honored...I hope I find a kind, honest, frisky man oh and he must be straight lol! Those are some picky-ass requirements. By having such rigid standards you likely limit yourself to only a couple billion men.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 1, 2017 10:43:56 GMT -5
“ it made me think about if I or my H were to get sick. That could happen at any time, you never know what’s on the horizon. And I realized if I were sick, I’d want my H there and to be the one caring for me. And vice versa: if he were sick I’d want to be there and care for him too. It’s no secret there is still a lot of love in our marriage... “
One of my friends divorced her longtime husband because he got addicted to prescription drugs and then turned to heroin. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly after the divorce, she lovingly cared for him til he died.
You’ve said your husband can’t stand any kind of touch. What kind of caregiver could he be for you if you get sick? What kind of caregiving could you offer him if you get sick? Intimate Touch ID typically part of caring for someone who’s seriously ill.
All marriages end in death or divorce. Why cling to an unsatisfactory marriage because decades later one of you is likely to get sick and need care?
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Post by Dan on Dec 4, 2017 15:55:13 GMT -5
How do/would you feel about the [idea of being a caregiver for your spouse, even if you are in an SM]? My plan is to get sick and die first. That way, I can see how kind/good she is to me -- despite our marital friction -- so I can decide if I reciprocate when she gets terminally ill....
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Post by h on Dec 4, 2017 16:59:03 GMT -5
How do/would you feel about the [idea of being a caregiver for your spouse, even if you are in an SM]? My plan is to get sick and die first. That way, I can see how kind/good she is to me -- despite our marital friction -- so I can decide if I reciprocate when she gets terminally ill.... That sounds like my plan! 😂
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