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Post by northstarmom on Nov 29, 2017 7:02:03 GMT -5
“It may take more than a month to get together 3 or more times.”
Then making the first sexual overture then makes sense to me. My post sm lover and I had sex for the first time 3 months after our first date. We’d known each other before our first date: we were in the same theater troupe but we didn’t know each other very well.
We both were busy —in rehearsal for different plays— and not desperate so once we started dating, our dates were casual and spaced far apart. Second sorta date was about 3 weeks after our first: he invited me to a small Oscar party at his house. Third sorta date I invited him and other friends to see a play with me. After the play, he and I had drinks and our first kiss. Great kiss, but he didn’t make a pass, which was a relief to me because I definitely wasn’t ready.
First pass was a couple of weeks later after I saw him in a show. I still wasn’t ready. We went out a couple of weeks later and I told him I’d have sex with him after he got std tested. (I think people are idiots who don’t get tested and who don’t use condoms until they really know they are in s monogamous relationships. I not only had gay friends who died of aids, I have a hetero woman acquaintance who got it from her secretly womanizing boyfriend).
A couple of weeks later, he invited me over for dinner and to see a movie and we were intimate for the first time. Best sex in my life.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 29, 2017 7:05:27 GMT -5
“Also - I get the railing against the "piece of meat" and all, but ladies: what's wrong with being a piece of meat? “
It means the woman would only care about her getting off on your dick. Who you are - your life, hopes and dreams, whether you had a good day, whether you even were enjoying the sec wouldn’t matter to her. She’d just want to get off and then leave and probably forget you. Sound like fun?
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Post by shamwow on Nov 29, 2017 7:38:00 GMT -5
You give her far more credit than I am willing to Fair enough. I agree that she could be equally manipulative vs clueless. Certainly, even if she were aware, it's in her interests to manipulate to gain the life she wants irrespective of his desires. Then again, if she were really that manipulative, she might have thought twice before openly declaring the end of sex. Maybe she's also a poor strategist. I come to the discussion with a different perspective because I live with the clueless variety of asexual, who just simply has no concept of the joy and unity that's possible in real intimacy. For W, the spigot didn't turn off after the wedding; rather, it never turned on like I expected it to when we moved in together after the wedding. W is also not as self-aware as this gal regarding her asexuality. Then again, maybe she's just a smarter strategist. I know a number of asexuals (male and female) who are essentially single their entire lives. I've got no problem with that at ALL. I would wager that if this young lady ever decides she wants kids, security and companionship she will find a man, have willing (if unenthusiastic) sex with him, have the kids, then completely cut off the tap. In a stroke of irony, perhaps the gentleman will find himself here in a decade or two. The reason I say this is not because she is unaware of her own situation. I say this because in her letter never once did she worry about him or even "us". It was me my I the entire letter. Although it is FAR from the only formula, narcissism + asexuality = SM.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 29, 2017 7:53:38 GMT -5
“I would wager that if this young lady ever decides she wants kids, security and companionship she will find a man, have willing (if unenthusiastic) sex with him, have the kids, then completely cut off the tap.”
I give her more credit than that. First, she is fortunate to be young during a time in which asexuality is being discussed as a sexual orientation and there are asexual organizations and online info. She can probably find an asexual who will love her the way she loves.
This is a different world than what most of us had when young. I didn’t even know that asexuality was real until I read about it on EP 4 years ago.
People here who are married to asexuals probably are married to people who honestly didn’t realize they were asexual. They may have thought everyone endured sex or went through the motions. They may have thought real sexual feelings would blossom after marriage. They may have thought you would lose interest after procreating.
Also some of the refused here were warned before marriage but thought you could change your mate. Some here still are trying to inspire lust in mates who have clearly stated they have no sexual feelings. Even if a mate hasn’t said they are asexual what’s the point in continuing to try to have sex with s person who never is interested?
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 29, 2017 8:04:52 GMT -5
personally....I want to have all my cards on the table by the third date. At least a lot of open, honest communication about what's to be expected and that an agreement is being reached! I've mentioned this before but perhaps it's worth saying again. And this is just one male talking about his own experiences since re-entering the dating world in the piedmont area of North Carolina. When I meet or speak with a new dating prospect I make it a point to introduce my expectations concerning intimacy early in the process. When I created my profile on POF I mentioned intimacy. So if we haven't at least talked in a round about way about sex when emailing or in our conversations on the phone, then for sure at the 1st coffee or adult beverage meet we are going to be discussing her feelings and attitude about intimacy. And she will be hearing mine. I've had a # of 1st meets and I have only met one woman who was not receptive to discussing sex. So far it seems like they are just as interested as me in clearing the air either to say what constitutes an acceptable time frame before sex can happen or to make sure I am capable and interested in engaging her sexually. I have had a couple ladies bring up the subject before I did. So don't be worried that women are some fragile and delicate flowers that require a gentile, sensitive and extended courtship before sex is on the table, or the couch or the kitchen counter. I would say don't waste a lot of time (actually don't waste any) dating a woman if she hasn't stated she enjoys sex in a variety of forms and places, unless you just enjoy this woman's presence or conversation. Have that conversation at the start of a potential relationship. My experience is that if the chemistry is there, then it's appreciated by person across the table from you. You're not a teenager any more. Don't date someone in the hopes of maybe you might have sex with her, date her with the expectation that there will be sex with her in the near future. Nothing says sexy to a woman more than confidence in a male. PS>>>In the event you are caught or captured I will disavow any knowledge of your actions or this conversation.
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Post by RexCorvus on Nov 29, 2017 10:13:49 GMT -5
I thought of an analogy last night. Let’s say I am at dinner and there is an absolutely mouthwatering, divinely decorated chocolate cream pie for dessert. I FUCKING LOVE THE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE! I turn to my friend and tell them you must try this pie! It is SO AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS and just look at how beautiful it is!
My friend looks at the pie and see that it really is divinely decorated. They know and keenly appreciate the effort and artistic skill that was needed to perform such work. They also note something that I didn’t, that it smells lovely and that the crust has been made so that it has a perfectly flaky texture. They decide that they want a piece of the pie as well and they order some…
After eating the pie I ask my friend, wasn’t the pie GREAT??!! They smile and respond, “Yes it was. Thank you for telling me about it”. I respond, I’m so full but FUCK IT, I want another piece, it is so DELICIOUS!! My friend strongly appreciates my enthusiasm for such an amazingly crafted dessert, but she has no desire to gorge herself on another piece. She experienced the texture, and appreciated the intricacies and layers of the decoration. She smiles as I run off to order another slice.
What I don’t realize in this exchange is that she lacks the ability to taste anything. She has no concept of “TASTE”. To her the experience is completely different, though both of us enjoyed the pie, they were for different reasons and at completely different levels of enjoyment. Mine is an intrinsic savoring of the consumption of the pie for its taste, whereas hers is and extrinsic appreciation of the skill, construction and associative happiness that it brought her friend.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 29, 2017 10:24:59 GMT -5
personally....I want to have all my cards on the table by the third date. At least a lot of open, honest communication about what's to be expected and that an agreement is being reached! I've mentioned this before but perhaps it's worth saying again. And this is just one male talking about his own experiences since re-entering the dating world in the piedmont area of North Carolina. When I meet or speak with a new dating prospect I make it a point to introduce my expectations concerning intimacy early in the process. When I created my profile on POF I mentioned intimacy. So if we haven't at least talked in a round about way about sex when emailing or in our conversations on the phone, then for sure at the 1st coffee or adult beverage meet we are going to be discussing her feelings and attitude about intimacy. And she will be hearing mine. I've had a # of 1st meets and I have only met one woman who was not receptive to discussing sex. So far it seems like they are just as interested as me in clearing the air either to say what constitutes an acceptable time frame before sex can happen or to make sure I am capable and interested in engaging her sexually. I have had a couple ladies bring up the subject before I did. So don't be worried that women are some fragile and delicate flowers that require a gentile, sensitive and extended courtship before sex is on the table, or the couch or the kitchen counter. I would say don't waste a lot of time (actually don't waste any) dating a woman if she hasn't stated she enjoys sex in a variety of forms and places, unless you just enjoy this woman's presence or conversation. Have that conversation at the start of a potential relationship. My experience is that if the chemistry is there, then it's appreciated by person across the table from you. You're not a teenager any more. Don't date someone in the hopes of maybe you might have sex with her, date her with the expectation that there will be sex with her in the near future. Nothing says sexy to a woman more than confidence in a male. PS>>>In the event you are caught or captured I will disavow any knowledge of your actions or this conversation. Agreed. If you want a completely no-bullshit relationship (and talking about intimacy should be completely no bullshit), it needs to be that way from the get-go. Once bullshit starts flying, it it notoriously difficult to scrub off.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 29, 2017 10:50:11 GMT -5
“I would wager that if this young lady ever decides she wants kids, security and companionship she will find a man, have willing (if unenthusiastic) sex with him, have the kids, then completely cut off the tap.” I give her more credit than that. First, she is fortunate to be young during a time in which asexuality is being discussed as a sexual orientation and there are asexual organizations and online info. She can probably find an asexual who will love her the way she loves. This is a different world than what most of us had when young. I didn’t even know that asexuality was real until I read about it on EP 4 years ago. People here who are married to asexuals probably are married to people who honestly didn’t realize they were asexual. They may have thought everyone endured sex or went through the motions. They may have thought real sexual feelings would blossom after marriage. They may have thought you would lose interest after procreating. Also some of the refused here were warned before marriage but thought you could change your mate. Some here still are trying to inspire lust in mates who have clearly stated they have no sexual feelings. Even if a mate hasn’t said they are asexual what’s the point in continuing to try to have sex with s person who never is interested? I agree 100% that when growing up, there were basically only two kinds of sexuality. Straight and gay. It was referred to as orientation, just as a compass needle points in two directions: north and south. Nowadays, there are all kinds of sexuality including transsexual, asexual, etc...Your sexuality can be whatever you want it to be. It is a spectrum. I think this more nuanced view is probably more accurate. It also makes it confusing as fuck (pun intended). I do think that even back then asexuality was recognized in women, however, it didn't go by that label. Back then, they were simply referred to by the slur of "frigid". The more clinical term "asexual" takes much of the stigma from that particular sexuality. That is a good thing IMHO. I think we are born with the sexuality we have and because of that shouldn't be held "responsible" for it. However, I do have some difficulty buying that someone just wakes up one day and "realizes" they are asexual. I also don't believe that someone wakes up one day and "realizes" they are gay. I sure as hell didn't wake up one day and realize I'm "straight" (I've liked women since puberty). I think that quite often folks who are not of the "standard" heterosexual orientation try to fit themselves into that mold like a square peg in a round hole. They may try heterosexual relationships with others just wanting to be "normal". There is tremendous societal pressure to conform in this regard (although much less today than when I was growing up). Perhaps this girl is reaching the point where she simply accepts her sexuality and either seeks out a asexual man or decides to stay celibate. However, from her letter blaming her boyfriend for "just wanting sex", though, I think this unlikely. She might be self aware enough to know her orientation, but doesn't seem to give a crap about the needs of others. As long as she stays out of the heterosexual pool, I've got absolutely no problem with either choice. But if she decides to jump back in and get a boyfriend / husband knowing her own nature (perhaps because she is looking for some of the benefits of a marriage)? Well, then she is fucking with someone else's life and deserves whatever scorn is heaped upon her.
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Post by h on Nov 30, 2017 5:48:50 GMT -5
I thought of an analogy last night. Let’s say I am at dinner and there is an absolutely mouthwatering, divinely decorated chocolate cream pie for dessert. I FUCKING LOVE THE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE! I turn to my friend and tell them you must try this pie! It is SO AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS and just look at how beautiful it is! My friend looks at the pie and see that it really is divinely decorated. They know and keenly appreciate the effort and artistic skill that was needed to perform such work. They also note something that I didn’t, that it smells lovely and that the crust has been made so that it has a perfectly flaky texture. They decide that they want a piece of the pie as well and they order some… After eating the pie I ask my friend, wasn’t the pie GREAT??!! They smile and respond, “Yes it was. Thank you for telling me about it”. I respond, I’m so full but FUCK IT, I want another piece, it is so DELICIOUS!! My friend strongly appreciates my enthusiasm for such an amazingly crafted dessert, but she has no desire to gorge herself on another piece. She experienced the texture, and appreciated the intricacies and layers of the decoration. She smiles as I run off to order another slice. What I don’t realize in this exchange is that she lacks the ability to taste anything. She has no concept of “TASTE”. To her the experience is completely different, though both of us enjoyed the pie, they were for different reasons and at completely different levels of enjoyment. Mine is an intrinsic savoring of the consumption of the pie for its taste, whereas hers is and extrinsic appreciation of the skill, construction and associative happiness that it brought her friend. Did you intentionally use "cream pie" or was that just a happy accident? (snickering)
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 30, 2017 7:45:40 GMT -5
It had to be intentional, h. He knows that lights up on our radar screen.
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Post by h on Nov 30, 2017 7:48:03 GMT -5
It had to be intentional, h . He knows that lights up on our radar screen. I was laughing so hard after the salad that the cream pie seemed just too perfect.😂
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Post by RexCorvus on Nov 30, 2017 10:10:49 GMT -5
I thought of an analogy last night. Let’s say I am at dinner and there is an absolutely mouthwatering, divinely decorated chocolate cream pie for dessert. I FUCKING LOVE THE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE! Did you intentionally use "cream pie" or was that just a happy accident? (snickering) LOL! I wish that I could claim that the use of "cream pie" was an intentional writing technique to draw readers into the story, but unfortunately it truly was just a happy accident.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 8, 2017 19:20:42 GMT -5
What will happen is very simple. She will not disclose any of this to her next boyfriend because such a disclosure will drastically limit who is willing to become romantically involved with her. She will allow the relationship to become serious, marry him, have children with him and feed him just enough sex to prevent full starvation from overwhelming him. He will never ever be happy but, he will be faced with 3 options. Cheat and risk being the ‘bad guy’, leave and lose his children or stay and suffer it. She’ll be just fine either way.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 19:24:36 GMT -5
No one can predict what she will do. Unlike choices available to many of our refusers when they were looking for mates, there now is easily available info about asexusls and it’s even possible to list on dating sites the fact that one is asexual. Heck, maybe she’ll end up with the refuser ex of someone here.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 9, 2017 5:22:31 GMT -5
My wife never wanted to talk about our histories. My history, or her history. I have no proof, but no doubt that she had an experience where a boyfriend broke up with her because she was a cold fish. Maybe more than one. She learned her lesson. Keep the game going until the ring is on.
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