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Post by northstarmom on Nov 27, 2017 16:49:16 GMT -5
Today’s column. “Q. No asexuals: I just told my boyfriend that I’m asexual. It’s taken me a long time to accept this about myself, and that it doesn’t mean I’m broken in any way, and saying it aloud feels like a weight off my shoulders. The problem is that now my boyfriend says we have to break up. I’ve told him that even though I don’t want to have sex, it doesn’t bother me to have it sometimes if it makes him happy. But he said that felt gross and “pervy.”
It feels like I’m being punished for realizing something that helped me so much. It also hurts to find out that my boyfriend, who said he loved me, really just liked sex. Is he being unfair? I think I’ve made every effort to make this work, and lots of people have sex when they aren’t that into it, right?
A: I’m genuinely excited for you, that you’ve been able to arrive at a more fully realized sense of your own identity! That’s wonderful. I encourage you to give your boyfriend space to do the same thing. It’s not a value judgment on you as a person if he decides he would prefer to have a partner who is also sexual, rather than willing to have sex periodically for his sake. It just means the two of you aren’t compatible sexually. He’s not trying to “punish” you by ending your relationship, he’s saying, “What you want out of a relationship and what I want don’t really overlap.” Nor does it mean he didn’t genuinely love you! Sex may not be a crucial part of how you experience love, but it clearly is for your boyfriend. Sexual activity isn’t a lesser or baser form of expressing love, and just as you wouldn’t want your boyfriend to judge you for being asexual, don’t try to diminish his experience by saying he must not really love you, or that he just wants to have sex all the time.
Whether “lots of people” have certain sexual arrangements that work for them in their relationships isn’t the point. The point is that what you want, and what your boyfriend wants, aren’t compatible. The upside is, now that you’re out about your asexuality, you’ll be able to bring that self-knowledge and clarity to future relationships—and that’s not a punishment at all.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 27, 2017 17:37:33 GMT -5
I wonder how long she led her boyfriend along before this profound introspection on her part?
Most people realize they don't like dick / pussy before they drag other people into it. Here's hoping this is the last guy she leads down this path.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 27, 2017 18:09:42 GMT -5
"Whether “lots of people” have certain sexual arrangements that work for them in their relationships isn’t the point. The point is that what you want, and what your boyfriend wants, aren’t compatible. The upside is, now that you’re out about your asexuality, you’ll be able to bring that self-knowledge and clarity to future relationships—and that’s not a punishment at all."
This sums up the issue for so many here. We aren't compatible whatever the reason. If both people can accept that then hopefully they can move on to compatible relationships.
It is that acceptance that is the bane of our existence. I keep thinking that something will change and we will return to what we once had. Foolish self-delusion. The only real solution is to sit with her and explain that although I love her deeply and wish her joy and happiness I cannot continue to deny my needs. I must seek the love and physical affection I crave elsewhere. That will initiate the destruction of our marriage and mostly certainly not bring her joy and happiness.
So it is only a matter of when to engage in this necessary madness. When indeed. I am reminded of the song If Ever I Would Leave You from "Camelot" (sung by Robert Goulet). The right time is never now, always some fuzzy future day.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 27, 2017 18:46:41 GMT -5
The girlfriend sounds wonderfully honest to me. She probably just realized she is asexual. After all, most people do not get educated about asexuality. She probably thought that sex was something she would grow to enjoy. When she realized she really has no interest, it sounds like she told him. That is much better than what most people experienced here with their partners. Her partner also was wise to realize that she is not a compatible romantic partner for him. He is wiser than are many people here.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 27, 2017 18:57:22 GMT -5
If only my fiance had been so honest with herself and with me, it would have saved me a lifetime of grief. She was adamant she was ready to start having sex. I do not think she had a clue how important that was to me, but she is a smart woman and I can not accept that she never figured that out, but she sure stayed silent about it.
There has been no further attempts since I told her I was done. I am relieved about that.
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Post by baza on Nov 27, 2017 20:02:36 GMT -5
It reads like the chick in the story would prefer to continue the relationship.
Hopefully she might heed what "Dear Prudence" suggested.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 27, 2017 20:32:35 GMT -5
I agree northstarmom that her self awareness is better than the alternative. But I hope she comes to terms with the stark judgment in her voice about sex. She really does devalue it and looks down on him as shallow that he is interested in it. I am also disturbed by her insistence that providing her BF with an outlet for an orgasm in a begrudging and possibly traumatized hole sometimes is "compromise". I am glad Prudence was able to articulate it well. I would have been harder on her, I think. I wonder about the impact of early messages of sex we receive as girls. I can remember the stark warning from friends and adults "he just wants to get in your pants" or "he just wants sex." With the commonplace nature of sexual assault and date rape I think it is necessary to give girls strong boundaries against the sometimes blind sex drive of teenage boys. However, I also think young girls get a message that "if he values you he won't push you for sex." They associate being approached sexually with something shallow, something that lessens their worth. Not a fully formed thought but something to look at.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 27, 2017 21:17:49 GMT -5
I wonder how the girlfriend would feel about an open relationship. I ask that with a little facetiousnes, because I see very few asexual partners ok with sex outside the relationship. I think the logic is that if they do not want it the other partner should not have it either. Urgh.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 27, 2017 21:19:17 GMT -5
I wonder how the girlfriend would feel about an open relationship. I ask that with a little facetiousnes, because I see very few asexual partners ok with sex outside the relationship. I think the logic is that if they do not want it the other partner should not have it either. Urgh. It is not just that she does not want it. She does not value it as a desire. She looks down on it as a lesser, baser desire that shows him to be a shallow person. She would never take an open relationship, IMO.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 27, 2017 21:54:33 GMT -5
I wonder how the girlfriend would feel about an open relationship. I ask that with a little facetiousnes, because I see very few asexual partners ok with sex outside the relationship. I think the logic is that if they do not want it the other partner should not have it either. Urgh. The professed successful open relationships are based on trust and honest communication. They provide something for each partner. In our typical SM an open relationship would only provide benefit to one side, the high libido partner. The risk to the low libido partner is the real possibility that the HL will fall in love with the AP and seek the end of the primary relationship. The LL is in a lose-lose situation, the only chance to continue the relationship is to convince the HL that things will improve when the 'right' conditions are met.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 27, 2017 21:59:52 GMT -5
"I wonder how the girlfriend would feel about an open relationship. I ask that with a little facetiousnes, because I see very few asexual partners ok with sex outside the relationship. I think the logic is that if they do not want it the other partner should not have it either. Urgh."
Why would her boyfriend want an open relationship when he could end their relationship and be available to a full time love who'd offer and receive the love he wanted? His ex could connect with an asexual who'd love her platonically like she wishes for.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 27, 2017 23:17:23 GMT -5
This is the part that gets me:
"I’ve told him that even though I don’t want to have sex, it doesn’t bother me to have it sometimes if it makes him happy."
Whenever my wife buys a big plant for the yard she asks me to dig the hole. I don't like digging holes but I do it to make her happy. I put it off for as long as possible, then when I actually do it I do it as quickly as possible, dump my load in the hole, and I rarely clean up the mess when I'm done.
If that sounds like a good time to you, don't call me.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 28, 2017 0:48:27 GMT -5
This is the part that gets me: "I’ve told him that even though I don’t want to have sex, it doesn’t bother me to have it sometimes if it makes him happy." Whenever my wife buys a big plant for the yard she asks me to dig the hole. I don't like digging holes but I do it to make her happy. I put it off for as long as possible, then when I actually do it I do it as quickly as possible, dump my load in the hole, and I rarely clean up the mess when I'm done. If that sounds like a good time to you, don't call me. Definitely not fun. The girl is so disconnected from the idea of the sexual experience that she is offering to be a human "Fleshlight".
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 28, 2017 4:39:21 GMT -5
My SM-ex accused me of being shallow for wanting sex. He said he loved me despite the fact that he wasn't attracted to me and that made it a purer love. WTF? I felt deceived.
My current lover - we've both said that if the sex wasn't so good we'd still be together for all the other things in the relationship. And that if all we had was the amazing sex life we have we'd be still hanging around each other, even if the other things weren't so good. But happily, we have a great relationship AND a great sex life and they feed each other in a virtuous cycle.
What the woman in the article doesn't get is that her boyfriend wants the whole package and I think true 'sex people' get a lot of pleasure from pleasing and for me it's so important that I'm pleasing my partner. With my current boyfriend, I'd still have a good time if the mechanical acts were as they are, but it wouldn't be amazing sex unless I knew he was happy, too.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 28, 2017 7:29:47 GMT -5
I wonder how the girlfriend would feel about an open relationship. I ask that with a little facetiousnes, because I see very few asexual partners ok with sex outside the relationship. I think the logic is that if they do not want it the other partner should not have it either. Urgh. Which of course is completely illogical...
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