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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2017 10:57:20 GMT -5
GeekGoddess She will never spend the time to do the research - that's always been my job. So I can't quite ask her to do that. She would happily go to Broadway shows, but the timing doesn't usually work out. I'm just keeping my eyes open more for things that would work for both of us. I have managed to find stuff in the past that we both liked. But it has not been easy. Sounds like you are stuck in a double bind. One example ( i have too many) One day 15 yrs ago my W told me, " we need to stop eating out. it's getting to expensive". Okay. She controls the budget. To this very day I have yet to hear " we can afford it and lets go out together without bringing all the kids'. On top of that when confronted with these same quotes in counselling she pulls a DARVO. She denies/avoids the facts and has a convenient loss of memory or tries to reverse the entire subject. Then she tries to claim " I don't take the lead enough by asking her to go out to eat". Do you see the disrespect and the lack of trust in these situations? I think you do. The sad part is they are okay with that and will remain that way. It keeps you under their thumb.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2017 11:06:04 GMT -5
There definitely has been a lack of respect and trust on both sides. Over the past several months she has tried hard to communicate with me more respectfully (not always successfully.) Very slowly we are learning to talk to each other better, if not always without hurting the other.
I would say baby steps, but more snail's pace. Still, the vector is slowly, slowly turning.
Or I'm fooling myself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2017 11:14:58 GMT -5
There definitely has been a lack of respect and trust on both sides. Over the past several months she has tried hard to communicate with me more respectfully (not always successfully.) Very slowly we are learning to talk to each other better, if not always without hurting the other. I would say baby steps, but more snail's pace. Still, the vector is slowly, slowly turning. Or I'm fooling myself. This is the time to set a dead line. (give it a season) Try setting up smaller boundaries, reversing things you have caved to before, and see how long they last before being broken or continually challenged. This will give you some more answers..Fortunately the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is lifted, and you will be able to spot the red flags, a re--set when it occurs or shortly there after.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2017 11:23:22 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I'm working with my therapist on strategies, both to cope and to make things better. She's played devil's advocate enough with me - I'm not ready to make the move. So at least for now I'm optimizing a bad situation. I'm also getting support from people in similar situations which helps. An emotional affair with a wise woman also helps me truly realize that I'm not the problem. Thanks.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2017 11:31:46 GMT -5
greatcoastal , I'm working with my therapist on strategies, both to cope and to make things better. She's played devil's advocate enough with me - I'm not ready to make the move. So at least for now I'm optimizing a bad situation. I'm also getting support from people in similar situations which helps. An emotional affair with a wise woman also helps me truly realize that I'm not the problem. Thanks. Something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving day!! Support means everything!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 23, 2017 13:32:57 GMT -5
“One example ( i have too many) One day 15 yrs ago my W told me, " we need to stop eating out. it's getting to expensive". Okay. She controls the budget. To this very day I have yet to hear " we can afford it and lets go out together without bringing all the kids'. On top of that when confronted with these same quotes in counselling she pulls a DARVO. She denies/avoids the facts and has a convenient loss of memory or tries to reverse the entire subject.”
Sounds like she doesn’t want to go out with you but doesn’t say that outright.
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Post by elynne on Jun 19, 2018 16:31:46 GMT -5
My therapist asked me to come up with a list of things I would look for in a relationship. So far I have (in no particular order): Love.
Trust.
Fun.
Empathy.
Shared values.
Security.
Respect.
Partnership.
Understanding.
Passion.
Commitment.
Inspiring (to make the other into a better person.)
Mutual admiration.
Mutual growth.
Mutual attraction
Wanting to make the other happy
Compatible mindset
Sexual compatibilityI imagine that this is pretty much what most people want. I shared an early version of this list with another person in an SM, and she said that her marriage had about half of these features. My score was maybe 1, maybe partially another 2, which is quite sobering - and scary. So, for those in SMs, what is your marriage score out of these 18? And what would you add? I think we have shared values (at least some) though h would say our values are completely incompatible. He says this because I view both form and function as important and he only believes function is important. And perhaps we get a weak positive for mutual attraction since once in a blue moon I can seduce him.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2018 16:48:06 GMT -5
I think we have shared values (at least some) though h would say our values are completely incompatible. He says this because I view both form and function as important and he only believes function is important. And perhaps we get a weak positive for mutual attraction since once in a blue moon I can seduce him. so you are saying that your score is roughly one or two halves at best? What do you think about that? Because having that low a score was one of my wake up calls.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2018 17:17:02 GMT -5
"elynne said: I think we have shared values (at least some) though h would say our values are completely incompatible. He says this because I view both form and function as important and he only believes function is important.
And perhaps we get a weak positive for mutual attraction since once in a blue moon I can seduce him."
Let's face it: If you pick 2 random people, they'll have some shared values. But will they share the important shared values.
You and your husband lack shared values on several very important issues. You don't think that father-daughter relationships should be sexualized. Yet he does that with your daughter. You think that a marriage should not include physical, emotional or verbal abuse, yet he does those things. You think that a couple should be open with each other and make financial decisions jointly. Your husband doesn't think that.
Mutual attaction doesn't mean that a spouse grits their teeth and once in a blue moon allows reset sex
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 1:53:10 GMT -5
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Post by elynne on Jun 20, 2018 1:53:39 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 1:58:30 GMT -5
Security and commitment. I guess that's why we made it to our 30th anniversary. but those two things won't be enough to sustain this in the future.
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Post by elynne on Jun 20, 2018 2:11:29 GMT -5
Security and commitment. I guess that's why we made it to our 30th anniversary. but those two things won't be enough to sustain this in the future. I bet @shynjdude’s shrink’s advice to write a list of the qualities one wants in a spouse is good advice for everyone. I think his list is a good one, but different things are important to different folks. I’m considering putting together my own list and scoring it. I wonder if h would consider doing it too. I also wonder if just like love languages and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, what we’re missing or struggling with in our current relationships increases in importance. I think mutual respect, compassion and empathy, and a spirit of cooperation are going to fall pretty high at the top of my list. Being appreciated also ranks high. A recent example of how good it feels to be appreciated: My charity group hosted a 1940’s dance party at a local nursing home last Saturday. I came downstairs in my 40’s style dress, hair curled and pinned up in victory rolls, red peep toe heels and cardigan. My youngest gasped, “Mama! You look beautiful!” I gave her a huge hug and a kiss, “Thanks, Sweetpea. That’s so nice to hear.” H looked up, “Yeah, you look nice.” “Thank you, honey.” It seems a 9 year old can teach my PhD doctor a thing or two about social interaction.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 20, 2018 6:29:44 GMT -5
“I’m considering putting together my own list and scoring it. I wonder if h would consider doing it too. I also wonder if just like love languages and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, what we’re missing or struggling with in our current relationships increases in importance.”
His list doesn’t matter. You continue analyzing him when that is a complete waste of your time. It doesn’t matter what his list is. His behavior is such that you need to get the hell out of that marriage ASAP. If you don’t care enough about yourself to do this, love your daughters enough to. Every day one is increasingly enmeshed in a sexuslized relationship with her dad. Every day the other is verbally abused by him. Every day they are growing up amidst a marriage that normalizes physical, emotional and verbal abuse and controlling behavior.
Your husband’s terrible behavior should be enough for you to realize your most important values don’t match so you are not compatible. Your relationship with him is harming yourself and your daughters. The longer you stay, the greater, too, the likelihood you will permanently lose your daughters in that they will reject you. One will cling to her dad because she wants to continue their warped closeness. She also will continue to model her behaviors on his. The other will reject you for not getting her out of an abusive situation and for your being a coward who insisted on staying with an abuser and trying to appease and change him.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 11:27:54 GMT -5
By the way, my original list for my relationships also included "religiously compatible" but I didn't include it here.
It doesn't make my score any higher.
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