Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 19:25:45 GMT -5
My therapist asked me to come up with a list of things I would look for in a relationship. So far I have (in no particular order):
Love.
Trust.
Fun.
Empathy.
Shared values.
Security.
Respect.
Partnership.
Understanding.
Passion.
Commitment.
Inspiring (to make the other into a better person.)
Mutual admiration.
Mutual growth.
Mutual attraction
Wanting to make the other happy
Compatible mindset
Sexual compatibility
I imagine that this is pretty much what most people want.
I shared an early version of this list with another person in an SM, and she said that her marriage had about half of these features.
My score was maybe 1, maybe partially another 2, which is quite sobering - and scary.
So, for those in SMs, what is your marriage score out of these 18? And what would you add?
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 18, 2017 19:40:09 GMT -5
I think 7 but maybe more. Not being a mind reader, some are out of my ability to answer.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 18, 2017 20:14:30 GMT -5
Funnily enough, my deal (which turned in to an ILIASM situation) would have ticked all the boxes at one point. I am unsure as to the order the boxes started getting "unticked". But what I DO know is that when the "trust" box got "unticked"' the rest of the boxes got "unticked" at pretty stunning speed.
The "trust" box was what everything else hung off I think. When that fell away, the rest couldn't stand up by themselves. Once the trust went, the rest of it collapsed.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 18, 2017 20:33:24 GMT -5
My marriage is over now, but I scored between 1-3. I loved him, so perhaps that point doesn’t count. We had a few shared values, and there was security, until the last few years. Never had any of the rest, although I admired some of his abilities, but it was not mutual. .
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Nov 18, 2017 21:26:03 GMT -5
My score:
Yes: 8 Maybe: 5 No: 5
Through working on our marriage I think it's possible to make progress in 5/10 areas currently falling into my "Maybe" and "No" categories. The remaining 5 I do not think I will ever have with my H (passion and sexual compatibility being 2 of them unfortunately).
I suppose the "score" doesn't matter as much as whether or not your marriage checks the boxes that are most important to YOU.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 21:39:21 GMT -5
I suppose the "score" doesn't matter as much as whether or not your marriage checks the boxes that are most important to YOU. That is true. It is up to all of us to weight the categories according to our needs and adjust to our own list of things that are important. But I thought that this was a pretty good exercise (and, for me, a sobering one.)
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Nov 18, 2017 21:41:38 GMT -5
I suppose the "score" doesn't matter as much as whether or not your marriage checks the boxes that are most important to YOU. That is true. It is up to all of us to weight the categories according to our needs and adjust to our own list of things that are important. But I thought that this was a pretty good exercise (and, for me, a sobering one.) (((Hugs)))
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Nov 18, 2017 23:17:16 GMT -5
12. A little up right now. Baza you are spot on with the trust issue, so for trust I rate our relationship around 20%, which is up a bit more. In my estimation it will take at least 95% trust to even think about breaking the SM.
Waiting is.
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Nov 19, 2017 0:35:39 GMT -5
16.5 I love my wife and so my perception may be biased and arguably inaccurate. But I'm optimistic its possible.
|
|
|
Post by james on Nov 19, 2017 5:25:48 GMT -5
Shared values (though not about sex obviously) Partnership Security
That’s about it.
On the Trust thing: are we talking about trust meaning that you trust your partner to look after your needs - I think so. Or just trusting them not do do something significant without telling you. (Cheat, spend money etc)
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Nov 19, 2017 6:40:22 GMT -5
I see trust as simple as this: each partner puts the other first in all ways and things, and holds the relationship above all others.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 19, 2017 8:16:18 GMT -5
“ I see trust as simple as this: each partner puts the other first in all ways and things, and holds the relationship above all others.”
I think some of us ended up with selfish partners because we believed in putting our partner first in all ways. I do not want the above. I love my Post sm partner and he loves me but I do not want either of us to put the other first all of the time. Putting another first all of the time causes people to lose themselves and not even know their own preferences. Btdt. It’s important to take care of oneself and to also take care of one’s relationship. For instance I need more time with friends and doing my own thing than my partner would like. But I need those things to avoid depression and to be me. A partner who couldn’t let go with understanding of my needs wouldn’t be the right man for me.
If one of my kids or a very close friend were critically ill or in a similar crisis, I would prioritize that relationship. A partner who didn’t understand wouldn’t be the right man for me.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 19, 2017 8:20:56 GMT -5
“just trusting them not do do something significant without telling you. (Cheat, spend money etc)”
I consider the above kind of trust major. Violation of it would be a dealbreaker.
I expect my partner to treat me with kindness and fairness but I don’t expect him to look after my needs like, for instance, a parent would with a nonadult child. I take responsibility for my health, job, finances and relationships.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2017 8:49:33 GMT -5
I see trust as trusting that the partner has everyone's best interests at heart, as well as just being able to believe them when they discuss things.
My W tends to exaggerate on all matters, big and small. Sometimes a talk starts off with one number and that number gets bigger by the end. Everything is hyperbolic in order for her to ensure that she is listened to ("We will end up on the streets!" "I almost died!")
I take things literally. While I know she isn't consciously trying to deceive me I do think she is trying to manipulate me (and others) with the hyperbole. Therefore I have a hard time trusting her. It is a big problem.
This exercise is really depressing me.
|
|
|
Post by james on Nov 19, 2017 9:15:04 GMT -5
But when you marry someone, you are placing trust in that person that he or she will look after your sexual needs for you- because no-one else can do that - certainly not yourself!
|
|