|
Post by M2G on Nov 18, 2017 9:34:38 GMT -5
Also - learn to say "NO." Sometimes that can be a hard thing to do for many people. (Sadly not for all of our refusers) Boundries
Addendum: "I don't appreciate that. It's inappropriate and I will not tolerate it. Stop it now or I will need to report it." Will you hurt his feelings: YES Will you help him to retain his job, and think twice before he tries it on other women in the office: YES
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 18, 2017 14:47:15 GMT -5
“This is probably going to sound very naive, but do you think that he is talking to me about these things because he is attracted to me? “
Yes, he is attracted to you. Take this as proof that you don’t have to settle for a miserable sm. Now that you have that evidence either make yourself available to someone whom you do not work with. You can do this via an affair or divorce.!Don’t continue risking your career and job by flirting (yes that is what you are doing) with someone at work.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 18, 2017 20:38:21 GMT -5
He probably does find you attractive, but this is sexual harassment at a work place. The fact that you have allowed him to do this without reporting him has encouraged him to become bolder. He needs to stop, and/or you should report him.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Nov 18, 2017 22:30:48 GMT -5
Agree with Caris You need to cut him off now. Yes he is attracted to you and you can understand that maybe you let it go this long because of your own SM related issues. But now you need to confront him and put an end to it. You got this girl!
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Nov 22, 2017 10:22:14 GMT -5
For the past couple of months, a married man at work has been coming into my office more than usual to chat. ... I am not attracted to him at all, and I am starting to feel very uncomfortable. The pathetic thing is, I think the reason that I haven't told him to back off is because I somehow feel validated by his attention. I agree with prior comments: he is WAY over the line, and this is a Very Bad Idea to discuss this in the workplace. But I want to address your second comment: your feeling of validation. A) it is understandable that you crave some sexual validation, and yet B) this particular individual may be mostly "validating himself", and you are just someone who has been too polite to kick him out of her office. No: you are not pathetic for wanting the validation of attention. No: you are not pathetic for wanting attention that involves -- even obliquely -- sexual matters. It's just: this is probably not the right guy from which to receive this attention. I suggest as you work on your marriage (and/or figure out your next step out of it), DO find ways that you can have some validations of your sexual attractiveness. I can think of a dozen things off the top of my head... and fewer than half involve infidelity! Examples: read some erotic fiction then try your hand at writing some (and even posting/sharing it). Or: with friends, go out to bars and flirt, but don't plan to go home with anybody. Or: join social groups (such as via " Meetup"), and just find friends who like you -- and even find you attractive. I also suggest that you steer entirely clear of this guy at work. You are already in stormy seas with your marital relationship... and this guy is adding rocky shoals to your already precarious voyage. STEER CLEAR. Politely say: I'm really no longer comfortable talking about such things. If he persists, let him know that your next step will be to discuss his visits with HR. If he still persists: talk to HR. Someday -- if you are ever in a place of sexual confidence -- and you want to get involved with someone like this guy, hey, I'm good with anybody's kink. But at this time, it sounds to me like you are in a confusing enough situation with your marriage; don't willingly take on additional confusion.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2017 17:55:20 GMT -5
For the past couple of months, a married man at work has been coming into my office more than usual to chat. The conversations are getting more and more sexual. At first he brought up the subject of bras, which I thought was odd. Then, about a week later, he mentioned that he wears women's bras and panties. It has increasingly escalated from there. He has told me that he prefers to be submissive, and then showed me this thing called a cage that he wears on his penis. Last week he showed me an actual picture of his penis. I asked him why he was showing it to me, and he said that he was too small to please his wife. Every time that he starts these conversations, I try to act nonchalant or steer the conversation back to his wife somehow. I do not offer any details of my own (non) sex life. I am not attracted to him at all, and I am starting to feel very uncomfortable. The pathetic thing is, I think the reason that I haven't told him to back off is because I somehow feel validated by his attention. This is probably going to sound very naive, but do you think that he is talking to me about these things because he is attracted to me? I am not used to having sexual conversations with men in this way. Women have told me that I am pretty, and sometimes I feel like men are checking me out, but because of my SM situation I always second guess my own attractiveness. Does a man usually talk with women about these things if he doesn't find them attractive? Wow! You sound like a sensible woman. You don't need to stoop so low to find attention. Kick the piece of sh1t away. It is not good for your self esteem.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 29, 2017 18:06:34 GMT -5
On the surface it sounds like reasonable advice, except that in my 20 years of corporate life, one thing I have learned is that HR is there to protect the company's interest not the employee's despite appearances. An easy way to end it would be to go to h-r. Sad but true...
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 29, 2017 18:09:30 GMT -5
For the past couple of months, a married man at work has been coming into my office more than usual to chat. The conversations are getting more and more sexual. At first he brought up the subject of bras, which I thought was odd. Then, about a week later, he mentioned that he wears women's bras and panties. It has increasingly escalated from there. He has told me that he prefers to be submissive, and then showed me this thing called a cage that he wears on his penis. Last week he showed me an actual picture of his penis. I asked him why he was showing it to me, and he said that he was too small to please his wife. Every time that he starts these conversations, I try to act nonchalant or steer the conversation back to his wife somehow. I do not offer any details of my own (non) sex life. I am not attracted to him at all, and I am starting to feel very uncomfortable. The pathetic thing is, I think the reason that I haven't told him to back off is because I somehow feel validated by his attention. This is probably going to sound very naive, but do you think that he is talking to me about these things because he is attracted to me? I am not used to having sexual conversations with men in this way. Women have told me that I am pretty, and sometimes I feel like men are checking me out, but because of my SM situation I always second guess my own attractiveness. Does a man usually talk with women about these things if he doesn't find them attractive? Let me put the question this way... Is this the kind of guy you would be interested in? If not, then "validation" by him shouldn't be worth a damn. Handle the situation accordingly. I don't know ya, but I don't think I'm going on much of a limb to say you can do better. Guys like this really piss me off.
|
|
|
Post by wastedyears on Nov 29, 2017 18:25:50 GMT -5
I really am not attracted to him at all, physically or otherwise. Nor am I into that type of kink. I told him (very nicely) last week that I was afraid of losing my job if we were overheard and ever since he has kept it pretty tame. I think my issue is that I am too nice and have a hard time saying no to people, and I also do not like confrontation. That would be a big part of why I'm still in a SM. I have been pretty down on myself lately, and was looking for any and all validation, but you are right, I am so much better than that. I ended up feeling more icky and uncomfortable than attractive, so I won't make that mistake again. Lesson learned, I hope
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2017 18:31:42 GMT -5
I really am not attracted to him at all, physically or otherwise. Nor am I into that type of kink. I told him (very nicely) last week that I was afraid of losing my job if we were overheard and ever since he has kept it pretty tame. I think my issue is that I am too nice and have a hard time saying no to people, and I also do not like confrontation. That would be a big part of why I'm still in a SM. I have been pretty down on myself lately, and was looking for any and all validation, but you are right, I am so much better than that. I ended up feeling more icky and uncomfortable than attractive, so I won't make that mistake again. Lesson learned, I hope Telling him that you are afraid of losing your job sends a very wrong signal. It implies that, but for job security, you are not averse to sexualised conversations. You need to find your voice to put your foot down, say "no" and in some situations show the finger. These are things one has to learn to do. It is not sufficient if you merely tell yourself that you are going to do all of these.
|
|
|
Post by wastedyears on Nov 29, 2017 19:09:11 GMT -5
I really am not attracted to him at all, physically or otherwise. Nor am I into that type of kink. I told him (very nicely) last week that I was afraid of losing my job if we were overheard and ever since he has kept it pretty tame. I think my issue is that I am too nice and have a hard time saying no to people, and I also do not like confrontation. That would be a big part of why I'm still in a SM. I have been pretty down on myself lately, and was looking for any and all validation, but you are right, I am so much better than that. I ended up feeling more icky and uncomfortable than attractive, so I won't make that mistake again. Lesson learned, I hope Telling him that you are afraid of losing your job sends a very wrong signal. It implies that, but for job security, you are not averse to sexualised conversations. You need to find your voice to put your foot down, say "no" and in some situations show the finger. These are things one has to learn to do. It is not sufficient if you merely tell yourself that you are going to do all of these. wow, you guys are a tough crowd, but your honesty is refreshing and much needed. You are right, i need to work on being more assertive and sticking up for myself
|
|
|
Post by james on Nov 30, 2017 4:00:26 GMT -5
What he has done constitutes sexual harrassment in the workplace without any question at all- it is way over that line. If you work for a company of any size, it will have a policy document on how this kind of thiing should be managed/dealt with. Could I suggest that you get yourself a copy and read it? It will outline the many options that are available to you in this situation. It's perfectly possible to be assertive whilst still being pleasant and polite (up to a point) - this is something that I worked on myself and I assure you it gets easier with practice. And it really helps self-respect. Give it a try!
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Dec 1, 2017 11:06:22 GMT -5
Looking this over again and thinking WOW - A COCK CAGE AT WORK! What's NOT wrong about that? Show him the door and be done with it.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Dec 1, 2017 12:07:41 GMT -5
Looking this over again and thinking WOW - A COCK CAGE AT WORK! What's NOT wrong about that? Show him the door and be done with it. I guess I'm naive here, but what in the holy hell is a cock cage? Yes, I know I could go to urban dictionary, but even without knowing what it is? It does NOT sound like something office-appropriate. Fuck, it doesn't sound sound whorehouse appropriate.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Dec 1, 2017 12:57:02 GMT -5
I guess I'm naive here, but what in the holy hell is a cock cage? Yes, I know I could go to urban dictionary, but even without knowing what it is? It does NOT sound like something office-appropriate. Fuck, it doesn't sound sound whorehouse appropriate. Oh, what a sheltered life shamwow. ;-) Dude is in a BDSM relationship, and he's definitely not the dom...
|
|