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Post by autumnday on Nov 16, 2017 3:20:53 GMT -5
I have been married for 20 years , the last 12 are sexless due to husband being unhygienic and basically not really knowing I exist except for meals and clean clothes . He thinks this is the norm and acceptable. I started to dabble in online forums as my sex drive needed an outlet and I am now more miserable than I ever was . I met a wonderful man , 2 in fact . One I just talk too now sporadically as he is busy with his family and work but we there for each other when feeling low so more friendship really and another who I love and luckily get to see a few times a year .
But my life just feels so unfulfilled . This man I meet is not the answer, he too lives in a sexless relationship but is very close to his wife. I can’t leave my husband as he threatened suicide before . He himself has no family as all deceased and he was only child . I just can’t let him live out rest of his years alone but I’m dying inside .
I try to make the best of my life but it’s tough right now . Anyway I thought joining here might help me get some insight to others lives and how to cope .
I feel guilty meeting another man and chatting to my friend but it’s the only thing keeping me going even though it points out to me how hopeless my life is sometimes
Thanks for listening
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Post by james on Nov 16, 2017 3:54:01 GMT -5
Autumnday, you do sound miserable, I am really sorry to hear. I am sure you will find some help on this site though. He sounds awful. Perhaps you could start by explaining why you are still with him?
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Post by h on Nov 16, 2017 5:16:43 GMT -5
Could his suicide threat be just a coercion tactic to prevent you leaving?
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Post by M2G on Nov 16, 2017 6:07:12 GMT -5
Welcome autumnday - sorry you ended up here. This is serious - normal well-adjusted people do not threaten suicide. Suicide threats can be a sign of many things: coercion as h says above, or a controlling tactic (does he often or always have to have things his own way? Does he get upset in general when you disagree with him? Do you ever feel the need to just go along with him in order to avoid conflict?) Alternatively, suicide threats can be a symptom borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD afflicted people may have a tendency to threaten violence against themselves or their partner, and many times may act out on those threats, especially if the relationship is threatened. Try taking this online test for him: BPD Test
If you suspect he may have BPD, do not tell him - but try to get into counseling quick as you can so a professional can make a proper assessment - BPD is no joke, it can be very serious, sometimes dangerous. Typical extreme example: the movie "Fatal Attraction." In any case, what his is doing is called emotional blackmail - a form of emotional abuse and a way to maintain control over you. You have absolutely no power to change him. He's left you without a lot of choices: affair, leave him, or live with it. If you choose to live with it, then counseling may be a good place to start. Unhygienic - I don't know what to say; are you able to elaborate? Anyway - my best wishes are with you as you try to sort your life. You landed in a good place. The people here are wonderful. PS: here is another resource you may be able to use in dealing with him: Medium Chill
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 16, 2017 7:28:09 GMT -5
Welcome. Is your husband getting help for depression? If not, I suggest you try to encourage him to do so. Both the unhygienic aspects and the suicide threats are huge red flags and it sounds like he needs help.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2017 7:50:22 GMT -5
I suggest that you get individual therapy for support and to help you more fully perceive your options and figure out what’s best for you.
Your husband’s behavior - suicide threats, lack of hygiene, lack of friends could indicate he has a mental illness. You can not cure him. You can help him to get treatment. If he threatens suicide, believe him and have him hospitalized.
You can not take responsibility for his happiness by staying with him because you don’t want him to be alone. All marriages end in death or divorce. He could outlive you. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 16, 2017 8:03:25 GMT -5
Given what you have said, you are far more committed to your husband than he is to you. If he refuses to provide for your needs within the marriage, you need not feel guilty about having your needs met outside the marriage.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 16, 2017 8:21:42 GMT -5
Welcome and I'm sorry you have found yourself here. Individual therapy may be a good idea for you. This shit just sneaks up on you like a fog lifts and where did twenty years go? I was married for 23 years and I've been divorced for 2. I believe we are all happy for our own happiness however the people that we have in our lives should bring happiness in some way or ways and if they don't then we do not need them in our lives. That goes for spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings, friends, relatives, co workers, etc. It's up to us though to filter relationships for our own lives and if someone is not treating you well then they need to be made aware of your unhappiness. Ultimately it boils down to the same 3 choices: stay, leave, cheat. Leaving can be difficult due to finances and kids but if that's not an option being celibate should not be an option either. I believe if he doesn't want to meet those needs for you then find someone who will with enthusiasm, fun, and focus on your pleasure!
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Post by james on Nov 16, 2017 8:59:47 GMT -5
Autumnday my apologies I somehow missed the bit in your post about not being able to leave your husband as he has threatened suicide before. Agree with Northstarmom's point- is he suffering from mental illness? And whether he is or he isn't, that kind of emotional blackmail is no reason to stay with him. Have you got a therapist/counsellor?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 16, 2017 11:11:30 GMT -5
Welcome to the SM express train where despite appearances some do manage to off board in happyville.
You are among a merry but eclectic bunch who can relate to many of the things you are experiencing. With that said, I do hope you'll find some solace with the company we keep.
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Suicide is a serious issue. I dont believe there is anyone on the forum qualified to directly assist in that regard. I would urge you to seek out appropriate support and guidance. Of course we are all ears otherwise.
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 16, 2017 17:36:31 GMT -5
You've been married for 20yrs, and he threatened suicide and you are dying inside. Hopefully you find the courage to make changes in your lives because you will likely not make it another 20 yrs together. I hope you find something useful from the experiences of others here. Good luck.
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Post by baza on Nov 16, 2017 19:06:15 GMT -5
There was a post a week or so ago dealing with the question - "is threatening to divorce coercion to force your spouse to have sex with you ?" Well here's the other side of the coin. "Is threatening to top yourself if your spouse leaves you coercion ?" The answers are "Yes and "yes". It would seem that in your deal Sister autumnday , your spouse not being in the picture wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily. You are not going to change him by attempting to coerce him into being a decent person. He is not going to be able to change you into a willing doormat by coercion either. What you now choose to do is entirely your call which you entirely own. You stay (or leave) because that's your choice, that's what is in your longer term best interests. You do NOT own what he may then choose to do. That, is on him and no-one else. There is only coercion if you allow it. We - all of us - own our own choices. We do not own other peoples choices.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Nov 16, 2017 20:56:48 GMT -5
Just as the solution to SM boils down to 3 choices of stay, cheat, leave, threats of suicide come down to two possible choices. 1- they are trying to control you, emotionally blackmail you, coerce you. They won't kill themselves and you need to run far from such a person. 2- they are mentally unstable and need professional help, now, whether you leave them or not.
Threatening suicide is not funny. You're either doing it because you're a controlling psychopath or because you're mentally ill and need fixing.
If he's 1 then run a mile quickly. If he's 2 then get him booked in for help, voluntary or involuntary, and then make your exit or stay it's up to you.
Either way, suicide threat = professional help. If he won't go voluntarily then have him committed. If he was a #1 then he will talk his way back out by which time you should be running for the hills. If he gets help then you can choose to stay and support him or leave him in the hands of the pros...
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 16, 2017 21:38:22 GMT -5
Welcome to the group nobody ever thought they would be part of. I certainly understand your need for a relationship, release, companion. Nobody is going to judge you on seeking company outside of your marriage. However i would strongly advise that you visit a Divorce Lawyer and gain some advice on how a divorce will shake out for you. From there you might be able to start an exit plan. You see your husband might one day find out about your friendship with another man and blow a head gasket like you have never seen before. At least you would have been prepared.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 17, 2017 5:49:09 GMT -5
Welcome! I don't have anything too new to add. Suicide threats are the worst type of coercion. A useful question for yourself to explore is why you feel so guilty for him being alone. Are there other ways you feel responsible for his choices? Are there other ways he is using guilt as a covert or overt control mechanism?
I have noticed lots of us start to see other issues as the SM comes out of the dark shame corner we have stashed it. Things can start to unravel.
Best of luck!
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