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Post by tirefire on Nov 14, 2017 9:59:21 GMT -5
I'm really feeling like crap today. Woke up after 5 hours sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. Unsettled stomach from worry. I spent my day off yesterday by myself buying clothes. I realised half way through that I was trying to buy happiness. If only I could get just the right look, I'd be so desirable things would get straightened out with the W or someone else. That of course is stupid but I know it was the undercurrent or subconscious thought. It seemed like every store I was in had guys with their wives/GFs caring so much about what they look like. I want to collapse when I see the W reach and touch the man's arm. They aren't thinking about it, they just feel connected. Later in the afternoon had another scrap with the W who said she was mad I didn't ask her to come along. I told her I intentionally went without her because she yelled at me the day before. She was mad and said some crap that was all about me. Might be true because it feels like everything is broken now. And then I froze emotionally. Deer in the headlights. I WAS SCARED. I wanted to say it was time to pull the plug. I wanted to tell her we are making each other miserable. I didn't because I was too scared. Now today I feel I'm trapped forever by my fear. Fear of regret? Is it the right thing to do? Will I regret it later if it doesn't go well with seeing the kids after a separation? I'll never be able to move forward. Or I'll have an emotional barf and things won't go as well as they need to.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2017 10:37:49 GMT -5
Btdt. Used to be hyper aware of loving couples and feel heartbroken that I wasn’t in such a relationship. What helped me feel better and eventually get the confidence to divorce were:
1. Individual therapy with an experienced therapist whom I felt comfortable with and who supported me as I figured out steps to improve my life.
2. Making and maintaining caring, empathic platonic friendships . I kept in touch with those people without involving my husband. I took classes with them and met them for coffee, etc.
3. Treating myself to (nonsexual) Massages and pedicures with people who entered such fields because they enjoyed making people happy. Such body treatments cause ones’ endorphins to increase thus lifting one’s moods.
4. Exercise including walking in nature, another natural mood enhancer.
You are fortunate that you have one means of support that I didn’t learn of until 2 weeks after my divorce: the folks here.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 14, 2017 11:10:15 GMT -5
Tirefire. Sorry to hear about your day. I have been where you are many times. Just keep pushing through one day at time until you are in a position of strength. One thing that has helped me a lot is to establish some boundaries. This is an area that I was not very good in the past. Let her know what is acceptable and what is not, especially from a communicatiin perspective. And that there are consequences if the boundaries are not respected. It wont change things over night, but the dynamics of the relationship do change if ever so subtlely. All the best. I'm really feeling like crap today. Woke up after 5 hours sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. Unsettled stomach from worry. I spent my day off yesterday by myself buying clothes. I realised half way through that I was trying to buy happiness. If only I could get just the right look, I'd be so desirable things would get straightened out with the W or someone else. That of course is stupid but I know it was the undercurrent or subconscious thought. It seemed like every store I was in had guys with their wives/GFs caring so much about what they look like. I want to collapse when I see the W reach and touch the man's arm. They aren't thinking about it, they just feel connected. Later in the afternoon had another scrap with the W who said she was mad I didn't ask her to come along. I told her I intentionally went without her because she yelled at me the day before. She was mad and said some crap that was all about me. Might be true because it feels like everything is broken now. And then I froze emotionally. Deer in the headlights. I WAS SCARED. I wanted to say it was time to pull the plug. I wanted to tell her we are making each other miserable. I didn't because I was too scared. Now today I feel I'm trapped forever by my fear. Fear of regret? Is it the right thing to do? Will I regret it later if it doesn't go well with seeing the kids after a separation? I'll never be able to move forward. Or I'll have an emotional barf and things won't go as well as they need to.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2017 11:43:29 GMT -5
Tirefire. Sorry to hear about your day. I have been where you are many times. Just keep pushing through one day at time until you are in a position of strength. One thing that has helped me a lot is to establish some boundaries. This is an area that I was not very good in the past. Let her know what is acceptable and what is not, especially from a communicatiin perspective. And that there are consequences if the boundaries are not respected. It wont change things over night, but the dynamics of the relationship do change if ever so subtlely. All the best. Very much in agreement about boundaries. I would highly recommend "https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995 and "https://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S Friend, I'm afraid that boundaries of yours are going to be run over like a tank by her. One word you may wan't to instal in your vocab. is "respect" or in our case "disrespect". One major problem with enforcing boundaries is dealing with a gas-lighting controller. You will have to interrupt. Remember facts and quotes. Repeat them constantly. Pin her in a corner to listen at all. Get disrespected by DARVO. Even when you set a boundary it is like trying to grasp oil with your hand. It lasts seconds until you are ignored or attacked by an entirely different subject. It eats away at your very core, your sense of self worth. Actually going out and buying some things for yourself is a good step towards recovery. The day can come when your woman will be complimenting you on your choice of clothes, and be thanking you for just being with you!
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Post by tirefire on Nov 14, 2017 16:52:39 GMT -5
Btdt. Used to be hyper aware of loving couples and feel heartbroken that I wasn’t in such a relationship. What helped me feel better and eventually get the confidence to divorce were: 1. Individual therapy with an experienced therapist whom I felt comfortable with and who supported me as I figured out steps to improve my life. 2. Making and maintaining caring, empathic platonic friendships . I kept in touch with those people without involving my husband. I took classes with them and met them for coffee, etc. 3. Treating myself to (nonsexual) Massages and pedicures with people who entered such fields because they enjoyed making people happy. Such body treatments cause ones’ endorphins to increase thus lifting one’s moods. 4. Exercise including walking in nature, another natural mood enhancer. You are fortunate that you have one means of support that I didn’t learn of until 2 weeks after my divorce: the folks here. Thank you northstarmom. It is nice of you to come back here and support us.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 14, 2017 17:53:51 GMT -5
I was in the same boat. Whenever I was out all I could see happy and loving couples. Why the FUCK couldn't that be me?
Now that I'm out and in a healthy relationship, when I'm out I mainly see couples that are neutral at best and hostile at worst.
The change in perspective makes a tremendous difference in perception.
That said, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, brother.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Nov 14, 2017 18:24:53 GMT -5
tirefire ugh I totally can relate to the happy couples in public thing. FYI, it gets worse once you leave I see all these seemingly happy couples EVERYWHERE and I get sad but then I think while out with my H people may have perceived us to be happy but we weren’t. I’m now focusing on being happy in my own company and you know what? I like myself. Lol as corny as it may sound...it’s a shit ton better than the passive aggressive company I used to hang around with and I know that by leaving my abusive situation I’m giving myself a chance for peace and hope that love will come when I’m ready. Take care of you and don’t be afraid of being alone. I’d choose being alone over feeling sad and alone in my marriage every time. Hugs to you!!
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 14, 2017 19:01:26 GMT -5
Some day you will be part of that loving couple. Except it will be for real unlike those "happily married" fakes that are everywhere. And you will be able to see the difference. And it will be good. Try to hold onto that thought when the FEAR hits. There is life on the other side and it rocks. And some days it sucks. But on the whole it's way, way, way better than where you are now.
Try to picture that. Maybe it will help with the FEAR. We've all been there. Hang tough and do the best you can.
I am hopeful that a message from the "other side" will inspire you to keep going. Make a plan, make it work, blah, blah blah.
Wishing you the shortest, easiest passage through the maelstrom.
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Post by tirefire on Nov 14, 2017 21:58:59 GMT -5
Thank you to everyone for encouraging words. I thought I was stronger mentally but maybe being tired made it harder than usual. It helps knowing others have felt the same. Ever onward. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Post by baza on Nov 15, 2017 2:10:35 GMT -5
Last time out you were trying to source a lawyer Brother tirefire . That may do quite a lot to ease your fear level, so my suggestion is to source a lawyer and get yourself fully informed about how a divorce might theoretically shake out for you.
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Post by darktippedrose on Nov 15, 2017 14:19:13 GMT -5
Hugs. I know this feeling very well. I feel kind of frozen whenever my husband walks in the room, even though he's never hit me. I still feel frozen.
the only time he's nice and aggreable, is during religious discussions. Unless of course I disagree with him or don't understand something. then he treats me like I'm stupid.
Hugs.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2017 15:06:24 GMT -5
“Hugs. I know this feeling very well. I feel kind of frozen whenever my husband walks in the room, even though he's never hit me. I still feel frozen. “
That’s the kind of home I grew up in. When my father came home, I’d go into my room and close the door.
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Post by tirefire on Nov 16, 2017 17:43:07 GMT -5
Last time out you were trying to source a lawyer Brother tirefire . That may do quite a lot to ease your fear level, so my suggestion is to source a lawyer and get yourself fully informed about how a divorce might theoretically shake out for you. Already did the lawyer thing. Found a nice lady I think I'd like to work with. You are right, it has made things a little better.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 16, 2017 21:42:53 GMT -5
Tirefire i can completely relate. A sexless marriage sucks and kills your confidence. Keep up with the lawyer and exit plan.
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Post by M2G on Nov 16, 2017 23:45:39 GMT -5
Tirefire, I feel for you. I read your post and all I could think to say was:"yup."
Hopefully we come out of it all with sanity mostly intact.
The mood swings are making me crazy.
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