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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 15:14:55 GMT -5
“Hmmm...perhaps I'm a bit bitter here too. That being said, as for as the original post goes, he is referring to a truly medically diagnosed (if routine) condition - which is different. Her not getting it treated, however isn't much different than my situation.”
Keep in mind that probably he is probably quoting his wife, not her doctor about her medical condition. For all we know, she made up the necessity for surgery. Her own lack of interest in climaxing makes me doubt pain during intercourse is stopping her from piv.
I had painful intercourse during the time I was breastfeeding. After I stopped nursing, the pain stopped, too.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 13, 2017 15:40:11 GMT -5
It has been suggested that your W put on her big girl pants and get her condition fixed. But what if she won't? Then you need to put on your big boy pants and decide if you are going to live the next 50+ years without sex (the blow jobs will stop) or will you get a divorce. There is no magic spell to change her, no bacon scented candles. She has told you that sex is off her table. Believe her.
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Post by h on Nov 13, 2017 15:46:06 GMT -5
It has been suggested that your W put on her big girl pants and get her condition fixed. But what if she won't? Then you need to put on your big boy pants and decide if you are going to live the next 50+ years without sex (the blow jobs will stop) or will you get a divorce. There is no magic spell to change her, no bacon scented candles. She has told you that sex is off her table. Believe her. I agree with this 100%. In a way, thelostone you're lucky because your W has been completely up front and clear about her intentions of cutting sex out of your life forever. You know exactly where she stands on the issue. All you have to do now is decide what action you will (or will not) take. There's no gray area or ambiguity.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 13, 2017 17:37:31 GMT -5
I say you lay your cards on the table and tell her that celibacy is not an option and if she wants the marriage to last then she needs to have the procedure done.
If on the other hand she just doesn't want or like sex then it is a compatibility issue and divorce may be the better option.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 18:09:50 GMT -5
I say you lay your cards on the table and tell her that celibacy is not an option and if she wants the marriage to last then she needs to have the procedure done. If on the other hand she just doesn't want or like sex then it is a compatibility issue and divorce may be the better option. Or keep hammering on open marriage. Bit that will be a no go. Almost always is
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Post by h on Nov 13, 2017 18:14:31 GMT -5
I say you lay your cards on the table and tell her that celibacy is not an option and if she wants the marriage to last then she needs to have the procedure done. If on the other hand she just doesn't want or like sex then it is a compatibility issue and divorce may be the better option. Or keep hammering on open marriage. Bit that will be a no go. Almost always is That's a perfect way to put it though. Give her the three choices and let her decide. Surgery, open marriage, or divorce.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 13, 2017 18:27:20 GMT -5
I say you lay your cards on the table and tell her that celibacy is not an option and if she wants the marriage to last then she needs to have the procedure done. If on the other hand she just doesn't want or like sex then it is a compatibility issue and divorce may be the better option. Or keep hammering on open marriage. Bit that will be a no go. Almost always is I think refused men have a better chance of getting an open marriage OR a don't ask don't tell situation than refused women, especially if their wife view sex as a chore, it's worth a try.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 18:27:30 GMT -5
Or keep hammering on open marriage. Bit that will be a no go. Almost always is That's a perfect way to put it though. Give her the three choices and let her decide. Surgery, open marriage, or divorce. Yup. One thing to always remember is that your spouse is not a child in need of protection. They are an adult who needs to make adult choices and live with the consequences.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 18:53:26 GMT -5
“Hmmm...perhaps I'm a bit bitter here too. That being said, as for as the original post goes, he is referring to a truly medically diagnosed (if routine) condition - which is different. Her not getting it treated, however isn't much different than my situation.” Keep in mind that probably he is probably quoting his wife, not her doctor about her medical condition. For all we know, she made up the necessity for surgery. Her own lack of interest in climaxing makes me doubt pain during intercourse is stopping her from piv. I had painful intercourse during the time I was breastfeeding. After I stopped nursing, the pain stopped, too. Perhaps. Mine lied to my face about her "condition" on the assumption I'd never go to the lady doc. With her. She was right and I was a fool for taking her word for it.
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2017 18:55:33 GMT -5
This will sound strange, but in a warped kind of way, you are fortunate that she has laid her cards on the table, and been honest with you up front. This leaves the ball in your court. You know that you now face a lifetime of celibacy with your wife, which is more than many of us knew in our 30s.
You are only 31, still young. I was 36 (only 5-years older than you) when celibacy was imposed upon me, unless you call having sex 3-4 times a year not sexless, and that was only the first few years. We’d go years without sex, then have reset sex once or twice, before more years would pass, until eventually it stopped completely. I was always the initiator, and it was only to shut me up. On the rare occasions we did have sex, I’d cry myself silently to sleep after the act because it was barren of intimacy and connection.
Why I say you are fortunate to know the truth so early in your marriage is that many “refusers,” including my own, just keep stringing us along, allowing us to believe that one day they will want a sex life with us again. First, it was, “give me six-weeks,” then one excuse after the other, and that six-weeks turned into 25-years. Yes, I was that stupid to live in hope, albeit false hope.
You are not being strung along. She’s given you no hope, unless she changes her mind about surgery, which may happen if she thinks you will end the marriage or have an affair, but without this, at least you know what you are facing. It’s still horrible, still terribly painful, but you know.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 21:21:37 GMT -5
Or keep hammering on open marriage. Bit that will be a no go. Almost always is I think refused men have a better chance of getting an open marriage OR a don't ask don't tell situation than refused women, especially if their wife view sex as a chore, it's worth a try. Depends on the woman. It might be a chore but in some marriages dishing out the stingy sex is the only method of control left. Thst is the last thing they will want to give up.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 13, 2017 21:42:29 GMT -5
Your choices are rather clear cut. Your wife has very firmly told you no sex ever. She has been true to keeping her word for 2 years now. She has however thrown you the small mercy of regular blow jobs. However you obviously are not satisfied with the current scenaro, and i dont blame you.
1) You can either stay accept that there will be no sex in your marriage and accept the blow jobs on offer or 2) You can start planning your exit strategy, visit a lawyer find out some facts and when you are ready pull the plug on this relationship.
There's no right or wrong answer here. The right choice is what makes you happy.
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Post by james on Nov 14, 2017 5:00:22 GMT -5
Maybe 2 years in is a relatively short time, certainly compared with some people on this forum, self included. Maybe also it is too early to assume that your sex life is dead and buried. You might want to think about taking a leaf out of Ester Perel's book (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09bxkhp) and write her a letter. Apologise for things you need to apologise for- anger, resentment, selfishness, putting her under pressure etc etc. Say you love her deeply and want to be with her. Then say that it is very hard for you to live without sex. Understand that she may have a kind of PTSD and need psychosexual or just psychological counselling before she can even think about going to see a doc. Give her a bit of time to respond and see what happens. Meanwhile back off, stay neutral and give her space. If that doesn't work then you have your answer and you can start planning your exit strategy. And you will have spared yourself years, possibly decades, of celibacy. So in that sense, Caris is right- you are lucky.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 14, 2017 8:41:19 GMT -5
She may have a very real phobia of surgery. A lot of people do. Like others here, I suggest that you have to lay it on the line and say this is a huge issue for you and a potential deal breaker. Suggest marriage counselling and perhaps individual counselling to get over the fear of the surgery. In the end, it's her body, her choice. But it's your marriage too and your choice as well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2017 8:57:43 GMT -5
This will sound strange, but in a warped kind of way, you are fortunate that she has laid her cards on the table, and been honest with you up front. This leaves the ball in your court. You know that you now face a lifetime of celibacy with your wife, which is more than many of us knew in our 30s. You are only 31, still young. I was 36 (only 5-years older than you) when celibacy was imposed upon me, unless you call having sex 3-4 times a year not sexless, and that was only the first few years. We’d go years without sex, then have reset sex once or twice, before more years would pass, until eventually it stopped completely. I was always the initiator, and it was only to shut me up. On the rare occasions we did have sex, I’d cry myself silently to sleep after the act because it was barren of intimacy and connection. Why I say you are fortunate to know the truth so early in your marriage is that many “refusers,” including my own, just keep stringing us along, allowing us to believe that one day they will want a sex life with us again. First, it was, “give me six-weeks,” then one excuse after the other, and that six-weeks turned into 25-years. Yes, I was that stupid to live in hope, albeit false hope. You are not being strung along. She’s given you no hope, unless she changes her mind about surgery, which may happen if she thinks you will end the marriage or have an affair, but without this, at least you know what you are facing. It’s still horrible, still terribly painful, but you know. Allow me to add onto this; This is a very controlling," one way street paved with double standards" person you are dealing with. Expect it to flow over into every other aspect of your marriage.
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