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Post by baza on Nov 13, 2017 0:59:54 GMT -5
This is a personal opinion Brother itme . I am not a fan of involving children in adult issues. If this conversation is simply sex ed, then fine. Again, personal opinion only.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 7:59:19 GMT -5
“Doing this could also set them up to better understand their mom/dad's plight when they get a little older. Thoughts??? Any advice is coveted...
Telling the kids the facts about sex and it’s place in a loving relationship: very good idea. There also are age appropriate books you can use. Keep in mind that educating kids about sex is an ongoing process, not one talk. Use movies, news stories as ways of continuing to educate kids about sex. For instance, the #me too campaign is something that you could refer to in other conversations. Incidentally, all kids including boys need to be educated about rape and sexual harassment including how to lower their chances of being victims and what to do if victimized. Boys can be victims, too.
Keep in mind that how you and your wife act together — the physical affection to each other in front of the kids also is educating your kids about sex.
I do not think it is appropriate to directly tell your kids about your sex problems with their mom. I do not think that it’s a good idea to talk to your kids about sex in hopes that some day they will empathize with your marital sex problems. Talk to an individual therapist. Don’t count on your kids some day understanding your marital struggles.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 13, 2017 10:03:02 GMT -5
You can easily find yourself bombarded with double talk about talking sex and divorce with your pre teens and teens.
You will be told: They are two young Don't involve them in your maritial problems. They did nothing to cause this. Don't make them choose sides. They won't understand. They really don't care.
Then you also will be told: Kids see everything. Kids and their behaviors can and do cause a great deal of problems in a marriage. Especially how It should be handled,and who is going to handle it. Kids know much more than you think they know. Kids are getting pregnant in the 7 th grade. I wish my parents would have been more open to me at that age. Kids find out anyways. Would you rather have someone else tell them? Some 14 yr old? The kids see it, and they talk with each other about it, build strong communication lines for the future.
I think it's more of a case by case basis. A trial and error strategy. Stick your toe in the water, tread lightly and see what kind of response you get. Then give it time.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 10:06:17 GMT -5
This is a personal opinion Brother itme . I am not a fan of involving children in adult issues. If this conversation is simply sex ed, then fine. Again, personal opinion only. I agree. My oldest is 17, and when she is an adult, I will have a conversation about her mother and I in the interest of showing where mistakes were made. She will make her own mistakes in her life, but hopefully different ones than I've made. But that is a couple years off. My son is 13 and he hasn't quite discovered girls yet. I will also talk with him about SM and what types of red flags to look for, but only after he is an adult, and only with the intention of providing things to watch out for in a spouse. It will NOT be a bash fest on my ex (who is still their mother, after all), and by that point, several years will have passed since the divorce. Having the conversation with them as children seems as though it would only provide comfort to me explaining lessons to them that they are not yet developmentally equipped to process. Just my 2 cents. Edit: Please note that I do talk about sex with my kids. My daughter just turned 17 and is on birth control (my insistence). We have had numerous talks about sex and are as comfortable as a father and daughter can be talking about it. I just don't talk with her about the dysfunctional sex life I had with her mother (or the re-invigorated sex life I now have with BOC now). If she asks, I have no problem in talking about it, though.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 10:10:31 GMT -5
11 is old to begin telling kids about sex. Sex should be an ongoing, age-appropriate education beginning when kids are preschoolers. For instance telling preschoolers the proper names for genitals and that no one but themselves or someone like a doctor should touch their genitals is appropriate. Elementary school aged kids should be taught pregnancies result from sex, not from angels or the cabbage patch. If they happen to see animals having intercourse, it’s fine to tell them the animals are making babies. Don’t lie and say they are playing.
Sex is s natural part of life and knowledge of its existence needn’t be kept a secret. Include info about your values. For instance, I was very clear with my sons that pregnancies can occur even with birth control, so I recommended that they not become sexually active until they had the wisdom and finances to be able to financially support and be a present father to a child. We also talked about abortion and how the decision is the woman’s, regardless of the man’s beliefs And I told them that love making is an important part of marriage.
One kept trying to find out how often his dad and I had sex. I just responded that was too personal a question to answer.
There are plenty of good books and articles that can help you know how to approach this important subject with your children and can help you do it in a way that doesn’t make it sound shameful.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 10:15:37 GMT -5
One last thing: your kids will probably act embarrassed and like they aren’t interested. Don’t let that stop you. If you give them age appropriate books on sex, more than likely they’ll eagerly read them when you leave the room. My younger son told me years later that even though he acted like he wasn’t interested, he did read the book and was glad I shared it with him.
Keep in mind that your kids may be gay. It really does appear inborn. If you rail against gays, if your child happens to be gay, that could lead to that child’s feeling so rejected as to kill themselves. Yes, that happens. One of my sons is gay. I didn’t learn that until he was 20. I’m glad that I never said bad things against gays.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 10:37:02 GMT -5
Thanks baza and northstarmom . I shouldn’t be forcing my kids to grow up just because I was forced to when I was 11. There is wisdom here ^^^^^^^^
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Post by workingonit on Nov 13, 2017 20:50:36 GMT -5
itme these are important ideas to consider. A break through for me happened when I was discussing the amazing way my parents modelled affection and loving touch to me all the time. My kids have been modelled a complete lack of touch and affection. That is horific to me. Even though I have 2 teenage boys I am the one who has talked to them both about sex. I don't speak about their father but I speak openly with them about sex generally. I am really glad that my youngest has asked me lots of questions about sex. I want my boys to be wonderful loving men and to be confident and attentive lovers without shame.
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Post by TMD on Nov 16, 2017 1:04:21 GMT -5
I think it’s great for a dad talk to his daughters about topics related to the science of the body and sex.
My spouse is uncomfortable with this topic — not surprising. A girlfriend’s husband acknowledged when his daughter got her period, and what it means (she’s old enough to get PG, etc). He was gentle and respectful. That’s damn cool.
Way to go for talking with your girls!
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Post by darktippedrose on Nov 16, 2017 18:30:02 GMT -5
I have 3 autistic children, but one of them is higher functioning. And I have talked to her about sex on and off since around 11. Its seems old to you guys, but she wasn't developed enough yet for this conversation.
I have told her about puberty, how pregnancy occurs. I have told my daughter that sex, and hugs,etc or gifts from God. I don't want my daughter growing up to feel shame about her body. Me having comfortable ideas about sex is defiantly in opposition to my mother lol.
My husband and my mother both act open minded to others, but with me, they are not. And so I want her to see sex and hugs and kisses and cuddles as something beautiful. Being deprived of human touch is a horrible thing.
And I also try to teach her life lessons about friendship, not hurting someone's feelings, being more aware of otehrs, etc.
Some of it she just doesn't get, because, autism, but from an older woman, she said you need MANY discussions with your kids, not just one big awkward conversation.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 17, 2017 8:01:42 GMT -5
itme I am trying to process what you wrote but I am overwhelmed by my own swooning at a man who does dishes and laundry and understands not to yell across the house at someone doing the housework. *sigh* But seriously, good on you for calling her out on her refusal to engage. And yes, a reset may be on the horizon for you. Sounds like she is scenting your empowerment...
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 17, 2017 8:07:13 GMT -5
“Last night I’m doing my daily post dinner dishes/laundry/etc while the ladies predictably lounge around in another room. “
Don’t your daughters have chores? Empower yourself to invite — I.e. tell them to join you and help. You could do this in a nice way, “come help me with the dishes and after we’ll go out for ice cream.” Or , “come help me with the laundry and tell me about your day.” You also could make your kids responsible for washing, folding and putting away their own clothes. That’s what o did with my sons starting at age 10. If they didn’t have clean clothes it wasn’t my problem.
Another option would be rotating the chores among the 3 of you.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 17, 2017 9:23:22 GMT -5
“Last night I’m doing my daily post dinner dishes/laundry/etc while the ladies predictably lounge around in another room. “ Don’t your daughters have chores? Empower yourself to invite — I.e. tell them to join you and help. You could do this in a nice way, “come help me with the dishes and after we’ll go out for ice cream.” Or , “come help me with the laundry and tell me about your day.” You also could make your kids responsible for washing, folding and putting away their own clothes. That’s what o did with my sons starting at age 10. If they didn’t have clean clothes it wasn’t my problem. Another option would be rotating the chores among the 3 of you. northstarmom is dead on with this. when my sons were probably around 8 I started them doing household chores that were directly related to their own needs. I did the laundry but they had to put the clean cloths back in their dressers. they had to pick out their own clothing to be worn that day and when dirtied they put it in the laundry basket to be washed. as they grew I had them vacuuming and dusting their rooms. By age 13 they were making their beds and helping make salads or setting and cleaning off the table following a meal. taking responsibility for maintaining the household is good preparation for when they are teens and possibly have autos that have to be cleaned, require oil changes( yes, your girls can do oil changes) and other maintenance. Children benefit from learning responsibility.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 17, 2017 10:47:37 GMT -5
itme I am trying to process what you wrote but I am overwhelmed by my own swooning at a man who does dishes and laundry and understands not to yell across the house at someone doing the housework. *sigh* Really?......As a man who has always believed in the fair division of labor when possible, (but not a metrosexual) I have always pitched in on the household chores. I enjoy and am a pretty good cook, so over the years I have probably prepared as many meals as my spouses. A lot of guys contribute, they just don't get much credit.... Yelling across the house, only on TV
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 17, 2017 11:08:35 GMT -5
LOL. I was banned from the laundry room. With a house full of women, there are just too many clothes with special washing instructions mixed into the hampers.
I manage the yard, landscaping, gardens, and home maintenance alone. I used to help with the dishes when chasing the "I'm tired" excuse, but now I let them pile up if they are not mine.
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